It sounds from what you've shared over the course of your thread that your Mom worried a lot about what you said about her to whom. So it makes sense to me that you're still worrying about that. Even after their death, our parents continue to shape who we are. It took me a long time to accept that I didn't have to worry anymore about what my Dad thought about me. I remember once in therapy talking to my therapist about one of my parents, I don't remember the details, but I remember that I was whispering and didn't even realize it until she pointed it out to me. That was how powerfully I'd absorbed the rule in my family to keep secrets, that I could be alone with my therapist in a private room and still be whispering. And I remember, too, that feeling that it was so hard to believe that my parents were really gone. You may still be in shock. Shock can be a blessing in the aftermath of such a big loss. Reality will probably hit you slowly. One thing that really helped me in the months after my father's death was having school to concentrate on. Are you still planning to go to school?