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Not even sure how to explain this...

Old 10-24-2014, 08:55 AM
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Not even sure how to explain this...

xAH's antics have hit the local news... Info about his history of violence, his abuse of alcohol and its impact on his career (working with kids) and it's ALL extremely public now.

I feel like crawling into a hole.

I should be happy that he's been exposed. But I am not. I am embarrassed, ashamed, feel guilty, wish I had been less of a codie for so long bc maybe he would have hit bottom a long time ago and gotten help. I covered for him, lied for him, protected him, subjected my kids to domestic violence and still stayed for a long time even then...

Now it's just all ugly, public and the news is on line too so people have added comments to the story and it appears that it is NOT a surprise to all that many that he has a problem with alcohol, anger, arrogance etc...

I feel like I have a hand in some of this happening and feel guilty... I feel like I should have kicked him out long before I did, not lied to the police all the times I did (to protect him from being arrested bc of fear he would lose his job-- a job he has now lost anyway), I feel like I should not have fought and argued and tried to control his drinking and in doing so been abused, sometimes in front of my kids for it...

Im not sure my post even makes sense... I just feel sad and confused and ashamed for MY part in his total, utter downfall and I dont know if that is normal or if I am just totally insane...
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:01 AM
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((((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry you are feeling badly about this; however, you are not to blame for any of it. You did what you felt was right at the time and that's really all any of us can do.

On the positive side, this may enable you to get full custody of the girls and other things he would otherwise fight you tooth and nail for.
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:04 AM
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You did all you could. You were protecting your children, that has always been first in your heart. He is suffering the consequences of his bad behavior.

I am so sorry. Please don't place any blame on yourself, you cannot control what has happened in HIS past.

Tight Hugs.
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:06 AM
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That's your Inner Codie talking, WTBH.

I felt a lot of shame & humiliation when RAH's antics were laid bare for my family & friends to examine & judge. But eventually I realized that instead of keeping me down, this actually FREED me from the chains of secrecy. Instead of being weighed down by it, it made me lighter & more able to move forward. I hope you get to that point too.

((((HUGE HUGS))))
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:09 AM
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WTBH, like they say, when we know better, we do better. When you "protected" him all those times, it was likely b/c you didn't know any better.

Interesting that you jumped thru all those hoops to keep people from "finding out about his problem" and now it turns out that people knew anyway, right?

And bottom line to ALL of it? HE is the one who made all of those bad decisions. You didn't force him into any of it. And it was never your job to prevent it, whether by covering up for him or by NOT covering up for him.

I hope your feeling of guilt and shame about his antics passes soon.
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
wish I had been less of a codie for so long bc maybe he would have hit bottom a long time ago and gotten help.
You don't know that at all...there is no telling how your lives might be different if things happened another way.

You are safe & healthy, your children are safe & healthy...that is all that matters. Had another path been taken, maybe you or your children wouldn't be safe & healthy right now.

You only know what you know, and you've done the best you can with what you had.

You're a hero!
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:22 AM
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So sorry you're going through this.

"Very few people could stay sane in your home. You are not a failure "
-Tobi Rice Drews, Getting Them Sober

I don't know if this quote resonates with you or not, but it is a good reminder for me that I am doing the best I can, even when I feel I've enabled too much, and when I feel others are judging the choices I've made... People who have never been through what we have been through don't understand how horrific it can be.
You did the best you could in an extremely difficult situation.
Hold your head high and be good to yourself.
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:23 AM
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Thanks for the responses.... I know in my mind I am not to blame etc... and that I am being irrational by being upset for him since it was inevitable... But how I feel emotionally and what I know in my rational mind aren't lined up today...

Lots and lots of gossipy people asking for details, people messaging me who I NEVER talk to just bc they want to be on the "in" with the story... Its been an exhausting and emotional week.

Coming on the heels of his BS with refusing to let the girls go to their event Im just worn out like I havent felt in a long time.
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:32 AM
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I should be happy that he's been exposed. But I am not. I am embarrassed, ashamed, feel guilty, wish I had been less of a codie for so long bc maybe he would have hit bottom a long time ago and gotten help. I covered for him, lied for him, protected him, subjected my kids to domestic violence and still stayed for a long time even then...
Babe, I know that feeling. It's the one I'm working on right now. Forgiving myself.

One thing I found somewhat relieving after I left AXH was the number of people who spoke up and told me they always knew something was wrong. That they had suspected he was an addict. Abusive. Etc. In a way, it gave me verification that I hadn't imagined it. In another way, though, it made me feel STUPID for having stayed so long.

Just remember this: The people who blame YOU for any of what HE did are people you don't need to worry about. And there are many, many women out there for whom this story going public means they'll go "if HIS wife could leave, then so can I."

(((hugs)))
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:48 AM
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I sort of know how you feel. Mine didn't have anything to do with the media but I come from an overbearing italian family riddled with cousins and they may as well be the media.

I don't know if you have read any of my posts but about 12 of us (family) went to the beach this summer and he went off the rails down there. off the freaking rails.

I.was.mortified.

Absolutely mortified. I am not sure I really understood the feeling of true embarrassment. The incident was at night, and there was a lot of drama so day 1 was pretty well taken care of.

But the next day. Oh my god the next day. A lot of my younger cousins were there who look up to me (22-23) they are my childrens godparents. My MOTHER. Ugh god I wanted to throw up.

Looking back I TOTALLY saw that as a reflection of me. without a doubt. His shame was my shame. his fall from grace was my fall from grace. But I know that isn't true now. In fact it didn't take me too long to get rid of that feeling.

Especially when I returned home from the trip - Ain't no way in hell I was dealing with it anymore.

One of his quacks was that I was choosing "my family" over him (as if this were his first time screwing up)

And yes, I was choosing them over him. Was I going to lose my family for HIM? (I wanted out anyway)
I will never forget my cousin, who I emotionally raised like a good codie said to me "If you stay with him, I will lose all respect for you" I will never forgot she said that. I needed her to say that. And I remembered it. It helped me. If I stayed with him, *I* would lose all respect for me.

But the mortification (is that a word?) the embarrassment, I was absolutely humiliated and am SO glad to be beyond that part. And you will get beyond it too. HE made a fool of himself, not me. HE embarrrassed himself, not me.

Those feelings will pass - it's not a reflection on you just like it's not a reflection on me.

My family was more sad (at least that is there story) that I was going through all I was going through. They didn't judge me. Because they respect me.

The same will be for you. Hang in there.
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:53 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You know you are not responsible for his actions.

Now he is facing the reality of what HE HAS BROUGHT UPON HIMSELF.

I think it speaks volumes aabout your huge loving heart that you still have sympathy for this man.

You are an amazing woman
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:54 AM
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I come from an overbearing italian family riddled with cousins and they may as well be the media.
Meggem, that made me laugh out loud. That sounds like my family. I know what you mean!
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Old 10-24-2014, 03:12 PM
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A word of warning - I suspect that no matter how much you feel you have contributed to his situation, and how badly you feel for him, I am guessing he feels a million times worse, and guess whose fault he is going to say it is?

Batten down the hatches, it's gonna be a storm.

Take care, and remember he got himself into this, you were just dragged along for the ride.
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Old 10-24-2014, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Thanks for the responses.... I know in my mind I am not to blame etc... and that I am being irrational by being upset for him since it was inevitable... But how I feel emotionally and what I know in my rational mind aren't lined up today...

Lots and lots of gossipy people asking for details, people messaging me who I NEVER talk to just bc they want to be on the "in" with the story... Its been an exhausting and emotional week.

Coming on the heels of his BS with refusing to let the girls go to their event Im just worn out like I havent felt in a long time.
WTBH-

I just want to commend you for your growth. Some time ago you were hoping for some of this to come out to the public.....in essence so you did not feel like you were the only one seeing this split person. Recently it has been less about what others see/think and you trusting your gut a whole bunch more.

The other thing that I am grateful for in reading your post is the taking it all on. In my therapy appt yesterday I finally said outloud that though I KNOW logically many things are no longer my fault, in the center of my being I still believe they are. My knee jerk reaction is from that place, my little girl still believes that.

I am hoping as we both work through this and grow that this will stop being our knee jerk reaction any longer. It is an old place for me that has been hidden. I am ready to look at it and bring it to the light so I can let it go. I hear the same for you.....you posted it.

Thanks again.
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Old 10-24-2014, 05:49 PM
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I'm so sorry you're hurting. I hope you can let go of the shame. He got himself into this predicament and it is not your fault. Regardless of what's happened in the past, what's done is done. Please do something nice for you and take good care of yourself this weekend. Ignore the idiots who are contacting you about it. Ugh. That kind of thing is just gross. They're the ones who look like a-holes, not you.

HUGS. xoxo
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Old 10-27-2014, 12:54 PM
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Want, I was going to respond to this thread earlier, but am still waiting for internet in my new place, so I'm writing from work today.

I'm going through something very similar with my XH, he got a DWI recently that has gotten a ridiculous amount of attention in the local media. (And then our divorce was final two days later. Talk about a double whammy.) He has court this week, so I am bracing for it to start all over again on the news.

I feel some of the same feelings you do-- exposed, both to the general public and to those acquaintances who become vultures. I feel sad, upset for him, wishing I could somehow help him. However, these were his decisions & actions and they are not my fault or my responsbility.

If you have to tell yourself a million times, "these are the natural consequences of his actions," then do it. You had no part in this- you have no responsibility or blame here. I know that in your logical brain, you know this, and believe me it took quite a while for me to squash the evil codie version of myself. Girl, you even managed to blame yourself for him abusing you! Nu-uh! Stop that--- you have to take that Evil Codie WTBH and SQUASH her.

His actions, his choices, his unfortunate consequences. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about (but I understand, I am there too and I get it, so major *hugs*).

I guess I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. ((Hugs))
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Old 10-27-2014, 01:16 PM
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He got himself into this. You got away. His behavior is not a reflection of you, your decisions, your worth. Your ability to tease out fact from fiction and make a decision that was best for your kids, and for you as their primary caretaker, is a testament to your grit.

When you describe your ex, the guy I think of is the one who gave you a verbal beat down in a parking lot in front of your kids while you were supposed to be exchanging them for visits. He leveled you emotionally. He was so out of line then -- it was a matter of time before he did something extreme enough for others to see it. Seeing it play out in the media (and social media I presume!) must be surreal.

You feel bad for him because it's a shame, and you loved him once. That's a sign you still have some human compassion in you for him, and recognize the illness for what it is. I think that in itself, considering his actions towards you in recent years, tell others what you understand about recovery and healing and the work you've done on yourself.
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