xAH using/hurting kids as retaliation...
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xAH using/hurting kids as retaliation...
xAH, in retaliation for my adhering to a boundary I set with him, got back at me by refusing to take the kids to their FINAL game (they play on a fall sports team) of the season yesterday and made them miss their post game celebration too.
I was there at the field, waiting for them to arrive. I realized a while in, that they were not coming. I called him and texted. No reply. I left in tears, heartbroken for my kids.
When I got the girls from him about an hour after that that they were distraught. They were fully dressed for their game. They had been told by him they were going and he had told them I was supposed to come get them and hadnt shown up. He blamed ME for why they didn't go. I guess he played it off that by the time he realized I wasnt coming, it was too late anyway.
It took every bit of self restraint to not say a word to him. I would like to say "what kind of man does this?" but clearly I know what kind of man does it. xAH.
Once I had the girls alone, I tried as calmly as I could to let them know that it was a "mystery" as to why Daddy had not taken them. That's the new phrase their therapist uses with them. A "mystery". I told them I was so sorry they missed their game and that since it was Daddy's time with them and because Daddy had said he would be getting them to the game, I assumed he would take them. As an aside, I had asked him MANY times in days leading up to it to be SURE he recalled they had this big game and party and he assured me he would have them there EARLY. I had offered to help or bring them myself if he wanted and he said he was all set.
I didn't throw him under the bus but I told the girls that if I had known they needed me to drive them I would have. And I told them and showed them that I had called and texted to see if they needed me to come.
My anger is immense right now. He is upping the ante of how he is hurting them and there is literally NOTHING I can do to stop it.
I was there at the field, waiting for them to arrive. I realized a while in, that they were not coming. I called him and texted. No reply. I left in tears, heartbroken for my kids.
When I got the girls from him about an hour after that that they were distraught. They were fully dressed for their game. They had been told by him they were going and he had told them I was supposed to come get them and hadnt shown up. He blamed ME for why they didn't go. I guess he played it off that by the time he realized I wasnt coming, it was too late anyway.
It took every bit of self restraint to not say a word to him. I would like to say "what kind of man does this?" but clearly I know what kind of man does it. xAH.
Once I had the girls alone, I tried as calmly as I could to let them know that it was a "mystery" as to why Daddy had not taken them. That's the new phrase their therapist uses with them. A "mystery". I told them I was so sorry they missed their game and that since it was Daddy's time with them and because Daddy had said he would be getting them to the game, I assumed he would take them. As an aside, I had asked him MANY times in days leading up to it to be SURE he recalled they had this big game and party and he assured me he would have them there EARLY. I had offered to help or bring them myself if he wanted and he said he was all set.
I didn't throw him under the bus but I told the girls that if I had known they needed me to drive them I would have. And I told them and showed them that I had called and texted to see if they needed me to come.
My anger is immense right now. He is upping the ante of how he is hurting them and there is literally NOTHING I can do to stop it.
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Just keep documenting these events for your court date with the judge. Including that crazy text the other day.
Your ex is truly an *******.
He reminds me a bit of my dad who has always made promises he rarely keeps. That dynamic has been one of the hardest things for me to overcome as a person and has been a HUGE reason I have dated men who do the same. It took me a long time to realize that. My suggestion is for you to talk honestly with the girls as they get older and re-enforce your own honesty and steadfastness with them. They need to know they can trust people and people will keep their word.
Sorry for you guys.
Your ex is truly an *******.
He reminds me a bit of my dad who has always made promises he rarely keeps. That dynamic has been one of the hardest things for me to overcome as a person and has been a HUGE reason I have dated men who do the same. It took me a long time to realize that. My suggestion is for you to talk honestly with the girls as they get older and re-enforce your own honesty and steadfastness with them. They need to know they can trust people and people will keep their word.
Sorry for you guys.
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Just tell them that you will NEVER fail to pick them up when there is an agreement about it, and that they need to write that on their hearts.
It really stinks when they start to learn the truth about their parents, and there is no way to protect them from it. It is really, really hard.
It really stinks when they start to learn the truth about their parents, and there is no way to protect them from it. It is really, really hard.
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Your ex is truly an *******.
Seconded. My head almost exploded reading that.
I was also reminded of my dad and his family doing things to my brother and me that were deliberately cruel as payback to my mom for leaving him.
So sorry your daughters had to experience that. Are your girls old enough for a cell phone so they can stay in contact with you while they are with him? That might help prevent future "misunderstandings."
Seconded. My head almost exploded reading that.
I was also reminded of my dad and his family doing things to my brother and me that were deliberately cruel as payback to my mom for leaving him.
So sorry your daughters had to experience that. Are your girls old enough for a cell phone so they can stay in contact with you while they are with him? That might help prevent future "misunderstandings."
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Cell phone is priority #1 for DD9 this weekend. Precisely.
The girls, especially DD9, understand that I would NEVER purposefully fail them and I dont think either of them believed xAH that I actually refused to get them... But it doesnt mean they arent TERRIBLY confused and hurt and sad...
They both, especially DD6, love their dad... So they are conflicted where they feel love for him and want to believe he is all the good things they want him to be, and then they see how he acts and are confused... Of course all his ****** actions are directed attributable to me and he blames me ENDLESSLY for his antics...
It has been eating me up all day thinking about this and rehashing it in my mind and I just had to get it out and tell you all for my own sanity... So that I can go get the girls from school soon and deal with the hurt feelings I am sure are spilling over the top from seeing their teammates with their goodies from the party....
The girls, especially DD9, understand that I would NEVER purposefully fail them and I dont think either of them believed xAH that I actually refused to get them... But it doesnt mean they arent TERRIBLY confused and hurt and sad...
They both, especially DD6, love their dad... So they are conflicted where they feel love for him and want to believe he is all the good things they want him to be, and then they see how he acts and are confused... Of course all his ****** actions are directed attributable to me and he blames me ENDLESSLY for his antics...
It has been eating me up all day thinking about this and rehashing it in my mind and I just had to get it out and tell you all for my own sanity... So that I can go get the girls from school soon and deal with the hurt feelings I am sure are spilling over the top from seeing their teammates with their goodies from the party....
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
Your ex is truly an *******.
Seconded. My head almost exploded reading that.
I was also reminded of my dad and his family doing things to my brother and me that were deliberately cruel as payback to my mom for leaving him.
So sorry your daughters had to experience that. Are your girls old enough for a cell phone so they can stay in contact with you while they are with him? That might help prevent future "misunderstandings."
Seconded. My head almost exploded reading that.
I was also reminded of my dad and his family doing things to my brother and me that were deliberately cruel as payback to my mom for leaving him.
So sorry your daughters had to experience that. Are your girls old enough for a cell phone so they can stay in contact with you while they are with him? That might help prevent future "misunderstandings."
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I had asked him MANY times in days leading up to it to be SURE he recalled they had this big game and party and he assured me he would have them there EARLY. I had offered to help or bring them myself if he wanted and he said he was all set.
Maybe he doesn't like to be told MANY times and purposely didn’t get them there.
I’m certainly NOT putting the blame on you just offering a possible view from his ill side of things.
Moving forward, anything that is that important to your kids, he should be left out of the responsibility of transporting them and you just do it yourself.
My ex was a nasty SOB and he would intentionally do things or forget on anything I would ask him to do. Childlike but sadly this was HIS mentality – all about him – never about his kids.
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Originally Posted by atalose
IF you have to say it more then once, it's nagging............
Maybe he doesn't like to be told MANY times and purposely didn’t get them there.
I’m certainly NOT putting the blame on you just offering a possible view from his ill side of things.
Moving forward, anything that is that important to your kids, he should be left out of the responsibility of transporting them and you just do it yourself.
My ex was a nasty SOB and he would intentionally do things or forget on anything I would ask him to do. Childlike but sadly this was HIS mentality – all about him – never about his kids.
Maybe he doesn't like to be told MANY times and purposely didn’t get them there.
I’m certainly NOT putting the blame on you just offering a possible view from his ill side of things.
Moving forward, anything that is that important to your kids, he should be left out of the responsibility of transporting them and you just do it yourself.
My ex was a nasty SOB and he would intentionally do things or forget on anything I would ask him to do. Childlike but sadly this was HIS mentality – all about him – never about his kids.
My "nagging" is because far too often I hear "you should have reminded me". When it comes to my kids I am ok with being a nag if it means he cant make that as an excuse for hurting them. He also asked me to "remind him" when their game was, then "checked in" about "is it x time or y time" so I made DAMN sure he was clear (bc he was asking).
The point here is that he knew precisely when and where this was and that it was really important to them and he purposefully did not take them.
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Another head almost exploding here.
I am so, so sorry. Those poor kids. And right now, it's probably little consolation that they will not forget this. I still hear about the birthday party AXH didn't take one of the kids to because "it was too far to drive" (15 minutes). And that was about three years ago.
My ex has accused me of deliberately turning the kids against him. I've had the same hardline you have -- never badmouth him in front of the kids, but if they vent about him, listen. But this is the kind of behavior that ruins a parent's relationship with his kids. He doesn't need any help doing it. He's completely capable of doing it on his own.
I have so many bad words I'd like to say about him.
I am so, so sorry. Those poor kids. And right now, it's probably little consolation that they will not forget this. I still hear about the birthday party AXH didn't take one of the kids to because "it was too far to drive" (15 minutes). And that was about three years ago.
My ex has accused me of deliberately turning the kids against him. I've had the same hardline you have -- never badmouth him in front of the kids, but if they vent about him, listen. But this is the kind of behavior that ruins a parent's relationship with his kids. He doesn't need any help doing it. He's completely capable of doing it on his own.
I have so many bad words I'd like to say about him.
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Right wanttobehealthy, when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time!!
Learn from this. Next time show up at the house and wait outside while the kids get ready. The kids will know that you are always there for them and would get in the car with you if dad "couldn't find his car keys". I am sure you will never let this happen again.
So just learn that you can not trust him to do something like this as he is not responsible enough. I would get her the phone, charge it before hand and have her hide it in their underwear. He will take it from them if they new they had it. (more drama). Show her how to text so if she can't call she can text you that she is ok.
Try for the future to be proactive not reactive and they will be ok.
Keep the Faith!!!
Learn from this. Next time show up at the house and wait outside while the kids get ready. The kids will know that you are always there for them and would get in the car with you if dad "couldn't find his car keys". I am sure you will never let this happen again.
So just learn that you can not trust him to do something like this as he is not responsible enough. I would get her the phone, charge it before hand and have her hide it in their underwear. He will take it from them if they new they had it. (more drama). Show her how to text so if she can't call she can text you that she is ok.
Try for the future to be proactive not reactive and they will be ok.
Keep the Faith!!!
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Ugghhh! It is absolutely horrible that he hurt the kids to get back at you.
My kids play on fall sports too so I can totally relate. They would be equally as devastated if they missed their last celebration and game. I am so sorry for you and them.
Could you possibly email or contact the team for a "final" end of season celebration at maybe a pizza place or local kid friendly restaurant or even host it at your house and have it a potluck? That might give your kids a chance to participate in the fun they missed.
Hugs to you. All I have to say is I believe in Karma, what comes around goes around.
My kids play on fall sports too so I can totally relate. They would be equally as devastated if they missed their last celebration and game. I am so sorry for you and them.
Could you possibly email or contact the team for a "final" end of season celebration at maybe a pizza place or local kid friendly restaurant or even host it at your house and have it a potluck? That might give your kids a chance to participate in the fun they missed.
Hugs to you. All I have to say is I believe in Karma, what comes around goes around.
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I feel you. I'm so sorry. My NPDX did this over and over with DD15 when he was really little, and I was always just gobsmacked. Like yours, if he didn't take them it was my fault, and if I didn't remind him over and over it was my fault. If I didn't hand him instructions it was my fault.
Eventually, my codependent, enmeshed parents got tired of seeing it happen and started transporting DD15 where he needed to go for NPDX, including taking DD15 to school and events on NPDX's weekends so he could sleep in or do whatever. I hated (still hate) this arrangement and it has turned out to be complicated and awful for me. Since I can't control any of them and they don't respect my wishes, and it's NPDX's parenting time, I let it go.
For accountability's sake, I keep a shared Google calendar with DD15's visitation time, events, sports games, days out of school, that he can see but not edit. If he has beef with me because he "didn't know," it's his fault.
Unfortunately, according to the state, it's his time and he can **** it up as he sees fit. There's not a lot you can do except exactly what you did. You informed him, gave friendly reminders, and were where you were supposed to be when you said you'd be there.
A couple of maybe things to look forward to: NPDs calm down as they get older, and he will lose interest in messing with you through the kids as he moves on to other relationships. He loves the negative supply through you, but positive supply somewhere else would be preferable.
Maybe set him up on OKCupid! HA. Mine met someone online from another city, and she moved here to live with him after three months. They've been happily ever after (as long as she shuts up and does everything for him) ever since. I feel bad for her and her kids, but I admit it has taken his attention off of me and mine. I'm almost a non-entity to him now, after being under his intense focus for a decade.
Eventually, my codependent, enmeshed parents got tired of seeing it happen and started transporting DD15 where he needed to go for NPDX, including taking DD15 to school and events on NPDX's weekends so he could sleep in or do whatever. I hated (still hate) this arrangement and it has turned out to be complicated and awful for me. Since I can't control any of them and they don't respect my wishes, and it's NPDX's parenting time, I let it go.
For accountability's sake, I keep a shared Google calendar with DD15's visitation time, events, sports games, days out of school, that he can see but not edit. If he has beef with me because he "didn't know," it's his fault.
Unfortunately, according to the state, it's his time and he can **** it up as he sees fit. There's not a lot you can do except exactly what you did. You informed him, gave friendly reminders, and were where you were supposed to be when you said you'd be there.
A couple of maybe things to look forward to: NPDs calm down as they get older, and he will lose interest in messing with you through the kids as he moves on to other relationships. He loves the negative supply through you, but positive supply somewhere else would be preferable.
Maybe set him up on OKCupid! HA. Mine met someone online from another city, and she moved here to live with him after three months. They've been happily ever after (as long as she shuts up and does everything for him) ever since. I feel bad for her and her kids, but I admit it has taken his attention off of me and mine. I'm almost a non-entity to him now, after being under his intense focus for a decade.
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My ex stayed around for about 18 months and then left. While it is very sad for my boys to not have a father they can see, I believe it is in some ways for the best - and this is one of the reasons why. He still tries to do some of that blame shifting stuff with me and he saw them for 11 days this year.
I will say that once I let it go - really and truly all of it - my kids were also able to let a lot of it go. There was so much less anxiety and more acceptance which brought some relief for all of us. I like Florence's Google Calendar idea. Refuse to remind etc. It is all a game of control, shifting of responsibility, and blame.
Once my kids were able to adjust their expectations to match the reality they had less hurt. Well maybe a different kind of hurt but it was a resigned hurt and not a fresh resentful confused hurt. As long as I was trying to be in the middle they did not see the reality - or they saw me trying to control the reality so they did too maybe? I'm not articulating very well.
I'm so sorry. There is a special place in hell for people that do things like this to their kids.
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
The event occurred on HIS parenting day. I offered to take them well before yesterday and he said he was all set. Thanks to a legal system that thinks parents "rights" supercede what is best for kids, I have no control over whether they get to events on "his" day or not....
My "nagging" is because far too often I hear "you should have reminded me". When it comes to my kids I am ok with being a nag if it means he cant make that as an excuse for hurting them. He also asked me to "remind him" when their game was, then "checked in" about "is it x time or y time" so I made DAMN sure he was clear (bc he was asking).
The point here is that he knew precisely when and where this was and that it was really important to them and he purposefully did not take them.
My "nagging" is because far too often I hear "you should have reminded me". When it comes to my kids I am ok with being a nag if it means he cant make that as an excuse for hurting them. He also asked me to "remind him" when their game was, then "checked in" about "is it x time or y time" so I made DAMN sure he was clear (bc he was asking).
The point here is that he knew precisely when and where this was and that it was really important to them and he purposefully did not take them.
Once my kids were able to adjust their expectations to match the reality they had less hurt. Well maybe a different kind of hurt but it was a resigned hurt and not a fresh resentful confused hurt. As long as I was trying to be in the middle they did not see the reality - or they saw me trying to control the reality so they did too maybe? I'm not articulating very well.
I'm so sorry. There is a special place in hell for people that do things like this to their kids.
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Dear god, how does this man live with himself??
Shades of my father - he seemed to enjoy using us as pawns.
It was very confusing, especially since he behaved "normally" in public.
In my 6 year old mind EVERYONE'S dad must be like that.
I really believed that ALL familys were like mine.
WTH is wrong with these people?
Shades of my father - he seemed to enjoy using us as pawns.
It was very confusing, especially since he behaved "normally" in public.
In my 6 year old mind EVERYONE'S dad must be like that.
I really believed that ALL familys were like mine.
WTH is wrong with these people?
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My heart just hurts for you and your kids.
My X does not pull this, but I did put in our parenting plan we are both required to get our children to sports, including practices, social events, doctors visits, and counselors. Thankfully he does all of that.
I can only say that if he sees you not react to him much, hopefully he won't use your children as pawns in the future. I agree, what an A$$!
Hugs my friend, tight hugs.
My X does not pull this, but I did put in our parenting plan we are both required to get our children to sports, including practices, social events, doctors visits, and counselors. Thankfully he does all of that.
I can only say that if he sees you not react to him much, hopefully he won't use your children as pawns in the future. I agree, what an A$$!
Hugs my friend, tight hugs.
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Originally Posted by littlesister1
Dear god, how does this man live with himself??
Shades of my father - he seemed to enjoy using us as pawns.
It was very confusing, especially since he behaved "normally" in public.
In my 6 year old mind EVERYONE'S dad must be like that.
I really believed that ALL familys were like mine.
WTH is wrong with these people?
Shades of my father - he seemed to enjoy using us as pawns.
It was very confusing, especially since he behaved "normally" in public.
In my 6 year old mind EVERYONE'S dad must be like that.
I really believed that ALL familys were like mine.
WTH is wrong with these people?
Don't know if that is what is going on here, but maybe.
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Woah, this is disgusting. What an a-hole. Eventually your children will realise which parent has their backs, but it won't mitigate the hurt that they must be feeling now, the poor kids.
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Originally Posted by Missus
Woah, this is disgusting. What an a-hole. Eventually your children will realise which parent has their backs, but it won't mitigate the hurt that they must be feeling now, the poor kids.
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I am so sorry this happened. My heart aches for your kids, and I feel your anger and appreciate it.
My kids are grown now, but when I was divorced from their dad, my first husband, not an alcoholic, but just not very present as a parent, I tried to make it right for them for what he didn't do.
If he didn't get them birthday presents, I would do it. I would tell them he didn't mean to miss X,Y,or Z.
In retrospect, I think it just confused them. Their intuition was telling them that he was not a good dad and he just didn't care enough to put their needs before his own. And that was the truth.
But when I tried to make up for him, they wanted to believe me, too, even though it didn't square with what they knew and felt. So they, especially my daughter, doubted herself and her perceptions.
It wasn't worth it to anybody. He was who he was, and that was it. Once he volunteered to pick our daughter up from college and bring her stuff home. Except that his house was closer to the college (3 hours) than our/her house was. He got tired of driving, so only went as far as his home. He unpacked her stuff on the driveway and went in and took a nap. She had to call us and we had to drive down with extra cars, repack her stuff, and take her et al home.
That was who he always was. You don't have to be mean or pejorative about why their dad did what he did, but it is okay to say it outloud. Your kids are feeling outraged and hurt and those feelings need to be validated because they are TRUE.
Let the chips fall where they may with him, but protect your kids with honesty. Shakespeare said "true compassion is ruthless" and I have come to believe that and wish I understood it long ago.
ShootingStar1
My kids are grown now, but when I was divorced from their dad, my first husband, not an alcoholic, but just not very present as a parent, I tried to make it right for them for what he didn't do.
If he didn't get them birthday presents, I would do it. I would tell them he didn't mean to miss X,Y,or Z.
In retrospect, I think it just confused them. Their intuition was telling them that he was not a good dad and he just didn't care enough to put their needs before his own. And that was the truth.
But when I tried to make up for him, they wanted to believe me, too, even though it didn't square with what they knew and felt. So they, especially my daughter, doubted herself and her perceptions.
It wasn't worth it to anybody. He was who he was, and that was it. Once he volunteered to pick our daughter up from college and bring her stuff home. Except that his house was closer to the college (3 hours) than our/her house was. He got tired of driving, so only went as far as his home. He unpacked her stuff on the driveway and went in and took a nap. She had to call us and we had to drive down with extra cars, repack her stuff, and take her et al home.
That was who he always was. You don't have to be mean or pejorative about why their dad did what he did, but it is okay to say it outloud. Your kids are feeling outraged and hurt and those feelings need to be validated because they are TRUE.
Let the chips fall where they may with him, but protect your kids with honesty. Shakespeare said "true compassion is ruthless" and I have come to believe that and wish I understood it long ago.
ShootingStar1
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