I want to so badly to just drive to her mothers house and look her in the eye and say "I was with your daughter for 3 years and begged you to help her and i have been to ALANON meetings, counseling and done a tone of research to try to help her... She is 28 years old what have you done besides ignore her problem and pretend it doesn't exist!"
you couldn't HELP her (fix her, cure her) so why do you want to shift the blame to her mom?? there's only one person who can fix your EX....and that is the 28 year old lady herself. if her family wants to be in denial, that is their choice.