Wife got a DUI with my 7yo son in the car
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Scubadad, I am so very glad to read your update! I'm happy that your wife and you found help in AA and Alanon. My RAH and I have often talked about how much we both get out of those same two programs. I've learned so much for my own growth, whether it relates to my A or not.
Thanks for keeping us in the loop, and I hope you will do so in the future! I wish you both continued strength and clarity.
Thanks for keeping us in the loop, and I hope you will do so in the future! I wish you both continued strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Nice! Right there with you wrt Alanon. You'd think being 46 I'd have learned a few things about myself and how my personality works, turns out not so much.. 
I'm in the 4th step w/ sponsor now, going thru the Blueprint book- it'll be a long process.
But you (and the program) are right... things can improve. The marriage situation on the other hand will end up being what it ends up being.
So I know what you mean. Thanks for the update, c&c and I have often wondered how things were going w/ you.
I'm in the 4th step w/ sponsor now, going thru the Blueprint book- it'll be a long process.But you (and the program) are right... things can improve. The marriage situation on the other hand will end up being what it ends up being.
So I know what you mean. Thanks for the update, c&c and I have often wondered how things were going w/ you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Great news Scubadad. As Schnappi (I'm the AW) said we've often wondered how you are doing. Digging deep into ourselves is HARD work but well worth the effort. Quitting drinking is really just the tip of the iceberg from the addict side. Getting real and honest with ourselves and changing the patterns that led to the addiction in the first place. I wish you both well.
Peace,
Cookies
Peace,
Cookies
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I was going to edit my earlier response and add onto it but fifteen minute edit time was over so better late than never;-)
One additional thought. Somewhere down the line when you're further down the path your wife may find it very interesting to attend an Al-Anon meeting herself. I attended one a few weeks ago with my hubbie (Schnappi) and it was enlightening to say the least. Its one thing to read about "your side" online but an entirely different animal to walk into a room and SEE the faces of those affected by alcohol. Its another animal to HEAR the stories of the ACOA's whose lives have been inexorably altered and affected by absentee parents or those who are verbally and emotionally abusive by addicts. I'm quite sure that evening Schnappi didn't feel comfortable sharing with the group in front of me, and I can't quite blame him but for a onetime thing it was good for me-call it aversion therapy if you will. As addicts we get very wrapped up in our own little world of justifications, and blaming our s/o's for not being emotionally supportive enough of us and all the other garbage we come up with. That said that was why I personally found it helpful to attend a group with a bunch of other complete strangers and hear their stories. At the same time what I found extremely heartwarming by that meeting was with all the pain I saw, I HEARD a lot of genuine love. That night just so happened to be my six month "sobriety-a-versary" and I shared that. I nearly cried when the room clapped for me. That said maybe someday your wife may choose to go to a meeting so see the long reaching affects of addiction. Personally I've added it to my "toolchest for reasons not to drink."
Peace,
Cookie
One additional thought. Somewhere down the line when you're further down the path your wife may find it very interesting to attend an Al-Anon meeting herself. I attended one a few weeks ago with my hubbie (Schnappi) and it was enlightening to say the least. Its one thing to read about "your side" online but an entirely different animal to walk into a room and SEE the faces of those affected by alcohol. Its another animal to HEAR the stories of the ACOA's whose lives have been inexorably altered and affected by absentee parents or those who are verbally and emotionally abusive by addicts. I'm quite sure that evening Schnappi didn't feel comfortable sharing with the group in front of me, and I can't quite blame him but for a onetime thing it was good for me-call it aversion therapy if you will. As addicts we get very wrapped up in our own little world of justifications, and blaming our s/o's for not being emotionally supportive enough of us and all the other garbage we come up with. That said that was why I personally found it helpful to attend a group with a bunch of other complete strangers and hear their stories. At the same time what I found extremely heartwarming by that meeting was with all the pain I saw, I HEARD a lot of genuine love. That night just so happened to be my six month "sobriety-a-versary" and I shared that. I nearly cried when the room clapped for me. That said maybe someday your wife may choose to go to a meeting so see the long reaching affects of addiction. Personally I've added it to my "toolchest for reasons not to drink."
Peace,
Cookie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Thanks so much for your update. I have to tell you that your story helped keep me sober. Maybe you can tell your wife for me? When I was really low and thinking about drinking I saw your post. Your wife was me.but I hadn't got caught ....yet. I'm 83 days sober and life is great. Husband and I are working hard but getting stronger in our marriage. I am so thankful to your for your post!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 37
Hi all,
I got an update and its not good. My wife filed for divorce about 45 days ago while I was out of town for work. Two days before we were working on a family vacation. She even tried to file a restraining order claiming that I threatened to kill her, committed domestic violence and forced sex on her. All totally false, so much so that the judge banned her attorney from even asking me questions about it once we got to court. But for 31 days I could not get into my house without her calling the police and I only saw my kids for four days out of 31. The police would not stop me from going in my house, but they said "look, all she is going to do is just keep calling us. If you want your kids to watch this kind of stuff then you can keep coming. We can't tell you what to do, but it might be best to get what you need out of the house and leave." All so crazy. Women can make any claim and the police have to take it seriously. I totally understand why, it is just not fair when it is such a lie.
Everything was going good with us until around October/November. She decided to do some "consulting" for free. Pretty crazy huh. I asked her why and she said she wanted to help people. Mind you we are not rich and in no way do we have the money to work for free. I didn't agree with it but I didn't try to stop her. I have been a faithful member of Al Anon and I am working my 12 steps. I know I cannot control another person, I can state my opinion once and leave it at that.
By mid January I started to think that she might be cheating on me again. I sometimes travel for work and when I would be back in town she became less and less available to meet with me for lunch. On the weekends she would go early and stay late at her AA meetings. Many weekends the kids and I would just hang out all morning without her. She stopped going to bed with me, she would fall asleep with the kids and then come in later. Finally our sex life pretty much vanished. It was driving me crazy to think that she would cheat again. I asked my sponsor if I should talk to her about it and he said "why?". I said because it is killing me. He said "all she will do is tell you no, even if she is cheating, she lied to you once why do you think she would ever tell you the truth?". He told me that if God wanted my wife and I to be separate He would show me a sign. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't take it. I finally asked her in early March. She said no, I told her that if she wanted to be with somebody else to just tell me, give me that dignity. She just walked away. She came back later and said that I torture her with the fact that she cheated on me. I almost never brought it up, and when I did it was because her behaviors would make me think she was cheating again. She asked me if I believe she was, I said no, that I only think she is. She wanted to know what the difference was, I said if I really believed she was then I would just want to be divorced. Seven days later she filed.
For 31 days I could not get in the house. She took all of my belongings and moved them to the basement. If you came in our house you would not even know I lived there. She took all of my clothes and put them in the basement. She took pictures down of me with the kids and put them in the basement. She took our wedding pictures down and threw them in my office on the floor. She canceled my lifelock. She took me off the family membership at the gym. She changed the alarm codes at the house. She put a deadbolt lock on our bedroom door. It was like she was trying to erase me from the earth. It is all so crazy.
The court forced her to let me back in the house. We are doing a thing called "nesting". We rotate in and out of the house while the kids stay in it full time. It is not ideal, but it at least got me out of my parents basement and I get quality time with my kids. When we went to court she brought up all the bs lies where she said I threatened to kill her, committed domestic violence and forced sex on her. When my attorney asked her why she never reported any of this she had no answer. Why not report it while she was in jail, or rehab or with her therapist over the last three years. Nothing. Finally my attorney asked her if she was ever afraid of me. Nope, never. The judge stopped the proceedings and pulled both attorneys aside and told them that they were done with that topic and her attorney was not allowed to ask me one question about it.
Now her plan is to say I am unfit father because I travel for work. How crazy is that. What was I supposed to do. This is the type of work I have been doing for the last 18 years. She knew it when we met. But now it is bad. And it is a battle in court. Her offer for custody was every other weekend and one weekday night. I told them nothing less than 50/50. We are still fighting on it. All because she filed and I was out of town for training. Nothing about he DUI with our son matters, because I did nothing about it back in June of last year. I kick myself for that everyday. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to help her and keep our family together. I should have left her in jail, filed for divorce and filed a restraining order. But I tried to do a noble thing and it totally backfired. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.
So now I am stuck waiting for her to do anything about the divorce. I am ready to be done. I just want to be finished with her and this marriage. She refuses to sit down and talk to the kids about it as a family. When I ask her why she said we should have done it on the first day. On that day she was trying to get me falsely arrested. She is so crazy. I don't think she is drinking. I think she is either in a dry drunk or is bi-polar. Either way it is totally crazy. She refuses to do anything. All she does is take the kids to bowling alleys are arcades. She told the court she was working but to my knowledge she is doing nothing. There is no food in our house when I come in. There is no toilet paper. There is no soap. It is nuts. Her dogs is destroying our house. He has dug the carpet down to bare concrete. When I ask her to not allow that she says I am being silly.
The only good thing is that I am having more fun with my kids than I ever had before. We are doing what I want to do and not worrying about her. She would never go and do the fun stuff that we like to do (hiking, zip lines, museums, camping, dinner outside with the dog, walking the dog). She is such a selfish person. I will never understand her.
Keep me in your prayers. I could really use it. If I had one wish it would be to just get this done and start the next chapter in my life.
I got an update and its not good. My wife filed for divorce about 45 days ago while I was out of town for work. Two days before we were working on a family vacation. She even tried to file a restraining order claiming that I threatened to kill her, committed domestic violence and forced sex on her. All totally false, so much so that the judge banned her attorney from even asking me questions about it once we got to court. But for 31 days I could not get into my house without her calling the police and I only saw my kids for four days out of 31. The police would not stop me from going in my house, but they said "look, all she is going to do is just keep calling us. If you want your kids to watch this kind of stuff then you can keep coming. We can't tell you what to do, but it might be best to get what you need out of the house and leave." All so crazy. Women can make any claim and the police have to take it seriously. I totally understand why, it is just not fair when it is such a lie.
Everything was going good with us until around October/November. She decided to do some "consulting" for free. Pretty crazy huh. I asked her why and she said she wanted to help people. Mind you we are not rich and in no way do we have the money to work for free. I didn't agree with it but I didn't try to stop her. I have been a faithful member of Al Anon and I am working my 12 steps. I know I cannot control another person, I can state my opinion once and leave it at that.
By mid January I started to think that she might be cheating on me again. I sometimes travel for work and when I would be back in town she became less and less available to meet with me for lunch. On the weekends she would go early and stay late at her AA meetings. Many weekends the kids and I would just hang out all morning without her. She stopped going to bed with me, she would fall asleep with the kids and then come in later. Finally our sex life pretty much vanished. It was driving me crazy to think that she would cheat again. I asked my sponsor if I should talk to her about it and he said "why?". I said because it is killing me. He said "all she will do is tell you no, even if she is cheating, she lied to you once why do you think she would ever tell you the truth?". He told me that if God wanted my wife and I to be separate He would show me a sign. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't take it. I finally asked her in early March. She said no, I told her that if she wanted to be with somebody else to just tell me, give me that dignity. She just walked away. She came back later and said that I torture her with the fact that she cheated on me. I almost never brought it up, and when I did it was because her behaviors would make me think she was cheating again. She asked me if I believe she was, I said no, that I only think she is. She wanted to know what the difference was, I said if I really believed she was then I would just want to be divorced. Seven days later she filed.
For 31 days I could not get in the house. She took all of my belongings and moved them to the basement. If you came in our house you would not even know I lived there. She took all of my clothes and put them in the basement. She took pictures down of me with the kids and put them in the basement. She took our wedding pictures down and threw them in my office on the floor. She canceled my lifelock. She took me off the family membership at the gym. She changed the alarm codes at the house. She put a deadbolt lock on our bedroom door. It was like she was trying to erase me from the earth. It is all so crazy.
The court forced her to let me back in the house. We are doing a thing called "nesting". We rotate in and out of the house while the kids stay in it full time. It is not ideal, but it at least got me out of my parents basement and I get quality time with my kids. When we went to court she brought up all the bs lies where she said I threatened to kill her, committed domestic violence and forced sex on her. When my attorney asked her why she never reported any of this she had no answer. Why not report it while she was in jail, or rehab or with her therapist over the last three years. Nothing. Finally my attorney asked her if she was ever afraid of me. Nope, never. The judge stopped the proceedings and pulled both attorneys aside and told them that they were done with that topic and her attorney was not allowed to ask me one question about it.
Now her plan is to say I am unfit father because I travel for work. How crazy is that. What was I supposed to do. This is the type of work I have been doing for the last 18 years. She knew it when we met. But now it is bad. And it is a battle in court. Her offer for custody was every other weekend and one weekday night. I told them nothing less than 50/50. We are still fighting on it. All because she filed and I was out of town for training. Nothing about he DUI with our son matters, because I did nothing about it back in June of last year. I kick myself for that everyday. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to help her and keep our family together. I should have left her in jail, filed for divorce and filed a restraining order. But I tried to do a noble thing and it totally backfired. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.
So now I am stuck waiting for her to do anything about the divorce. I am ready to be done. I just want to be finished with her and this marriage. She refuses to sit down and talk to the kids about it as a family. When I ask her why she said we should have done it on the first day. On that day she was trying to get me falsely arrested. She is so crazy. I don't think she is drinking. I think she is either in a dry drunk or is bi-polar. Either way it is totally crazy. She refuses to do anything. All she does is take the kids to bowling alleys are arcades. She told the court she was working but to my knowledge she is doing nothing. There is no food in our house when I come in. There is no toilet paper. There is no soap. It is nuts. Her dogs is destroying our house. He has dug the carpet down to bare concrete. When I ask her to not allow that she says I am being silly.
The only good thing is that I am having more fun with my kids than I ever had before. We are doing what I want to do and not worrying about her. She would never go and do the fun stuff that we like to do (hiking, zip lines, museums, camping, dinner outside with the dog, walking the dog). She is such a selfish person. I will never understand her.
Keep me in your prayers. I could really use it. If I had one wish it would be to just get this done and start the next chapter in my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I have you in my prayers I am so very sorry for what you have endured.
There are certain attributes that I personally find to be more alarming that others, one is driving intoxicated with children in the car. IMO that is a deep level alcoholic.
Secondly, when an affair is involved its hard to believe that it isn't caused by the alcoholism but its not. That is an issue that has nothing to be with being an alcoholic. I am not surprised you are back and why I believe your suspicions were accurate.
I am appalled by your STBXW behavior toward you. I hope that Lexie Cat will chime in with some advice I don't understand why her DUI (with the kids in the car) was pertinent less than a year ago but not now. It seems to me that your children are living in an environment that borders on dangerous with lack of food and necessities. As far as working has she not had to produce a paycheck or say where she is working? How old are your children? It seems like you might need to address this in a different manner with the courts. I haven't had to navigate that so will wait for others who have chime in
I hope this is over quickly, I will keep you in my prayers scubadad.
There are certain attributes that I personally find to be more alarming that others, one is driving intoxicated with children in the car. IMO that is a deep level alcoholic.
Secondly, when an affair is involved its hard to believe that it isn't caused by the alcoholism but its not. That is an issue that has nothing to be with being an alcoholic. I am not surprised you are back and why I believe your suspicions were accurate.
I am appalled by your STBXW behavior toward you. I hope that Lexie Cat will chime in with some advice I don't understand why her DUI (with the kids in the car) was pertinent less than a year ago but not now. It seems to me that your children are living in an environment that borders on dangerous with lack of food and necessities. As far as working has she not had to produce a paycheck or say where she is working? How old are your children? It seems like you might need to address this in a different manner with the courts. I haven't had to navigate that so will wait for others who have chime in
I hope this is over quickly, I will keep you in my prayers scubadad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
ScubaDad,
I am so sorry to hear all of this. I've thought of you often and wondered how you & the kids were doing. I know this must be hard but it sounds like you are doing what you need to do for the kids. They will always remember that. You cannot control your STBXW actions, only yours. It sounds as if the judge is onto her so bide your time, hold your ground and it will all work out. Keep us updated.
I am so sorry to hear all of this. I've thought of you often and wondered how you & the kids were doing. I know this must be hard but it sounds like you are doing what you need to do for the kids. They will always remember that. You cannot control your STBXW actions, only yours. It sounds as if the judge is onto her so bide your time, hold your ground and it will all work out. Keep us updated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I am also sorry to hear this and will be keeping you and your children in my prayers.
I was in an abusive relationship also. I just want to say that when it is a woman who is abusive, sometimes, that is worse, because no one wants to hear that. I'm happy for you that the cops so far are believing you. Are you carrying around a recorder with you. I know in some states this might not be admissible in court. Thing is, if she ever files phoney charges, the cops may listen to them. Protect yourself. Please keep coming back and update us. We got your back here.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
I was in an abusive relationship also. I just want to say that when it is a woman who is abusive, sometimes, that is worse, because no one wants to hear that. I'm happy for you that the cops so far are believing you. Are you carrying around a recorder with you. I know in some states this might not be admissible in court. Thing is, if she ever files phoney charges, the cops may listen to them. Protect yourself. Please keep coming back and update us. We got your back here.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I am so sorry ScubaDad that this is happening, you must feel like you are in a living nightmare. You are doing an awesome job with your kids, but I'm sorry to hear that you are having to go through this awful process to ensure your kids are safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 37
Thanks everyone. And yes, I now carry a video camera with me. It has already come in handy. When I came to the house the first time she had been sitting in her car in the driveway for hours waiting for me. Once I pulled in she called the police. She told her attorney that I was banging on her window mi have video of me barely tapping on the window. She had changed the alarm code on the house and would not tell me the new code or get out of the car to turn it off. It was all such a show. She is a very sick person. I really believe that she believes all of the nonsense that she has made up. I think for her to look at herself and see what kind of mother and wife she became is too much for her to deal with. She has to blame others for her faults. She is incapable of accepting any blame for herself. Very sad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 37
I agree SisterBobby, I should have left her in jail. I know that now but at the time I was still in denial about who she really was. I know there is no way I could have handled this differently. I did what I thought was right and I will never have to think "what if?". I did what she should be doing now, I acted like a human being and tried to save my family. She is an alcoholic and probably mentally unbalanced. She may never be able to see how bad of a person she is. I know I did what was right and if she had an ounce of worth she would have appreciated it and never stopped repaying our family for all of us sticking by her. But she didn't and there is nothing I can do about that.
I now know without a doubt that she is not worth any amount of my effort. I think there is a very good chance that she will relapse. There is no way she is working her 12-step program with the kind of hateful behavior that she is demonstrating now. There is no "rigorous honesty" in her actions at all. It is 100% selfish. I think she will relapse and go down even farther than she did before. I will never help her in any way for any thing. She needs to learn how to handle her own life without me there to financially fix any mistakes. She is 44yo and can't seem to figure any of that out. I predict in a year she will either remarry and take that person's money or be on the street. It is all so pathetic.
I now know without a doubt that she is not worth any amount of my effort. I think there is a very good chance that she will relapse. There is no way she is working her 12-step program with the kind of hateful behavior that she is demonstrating now. There is no "rigorous honesty" in her actions at all. It is 100% selfish. I think she will relapse and go down even farther than she did before. I will never help her in any way for any thing. She needs to learn how to handle her own life without me there to financially fix any mistakes. She is 44yo and can't seem to figure any of that out. I predict in a year she will either remarry and take that person's money or be on the street. It is all so pathetic.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
