He's Cheating :(. Guidance?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
He's Cheating :(. Guidance?
I feel almost guilty posting this because I feel like I'm not a good, consistent contributing member to this board. But I'm so sad and alone right now and don't know where to turn.
Just found email confirmations of hotel stays on AH email acct that I didn't know anything about. 2 of them. I've been completely in denial. Also an ashleymadison acct (barf.... That site is so cheesy).
He's an alcoholic (binging every 2-3 months then back to decent husband, so I thought), bulimic (at least it doesn't embarrass me in public), and now a cheater.
The weird thing is I despise the thought of divorcing. My parents split when I was 6 and it was soooo hard
. We have a wonderful little boy that's 18 months that thinks his dad hung the moon. And he's a great dad, always playing, very involved.
We've been together since I was 18 (32 now). I'm smart, funny, attractive, well employed, and I didn't get fat after marriage (lol)..... Why the need to cheat?? He's been to a lot of rehab and I've done my alanon half. Where do I even start? He's drunk now just drove off I'm our car. So definitely not confronting him in the immediate future but I know he'll blame drinking and have no recollection (eye roll).
We're supposed to go on vacation Saturday. A cruise that I've been looking forward to for a longgggg time. Sigh..... Mind spinning. What are my first steps? See an attorney? Move in with family? They live 3 hours away :-/
Thanks so much for any tidbit. Change is so scary for me. I hate being alone!! There I said it.... So classically Codie
Just found email confirmations of hotel stays on AH email acct that I didn't know anything about. 2 of them. I've been completely in denial. Also an ashleymadison acct (barf.... That site is so cheesy).
He's an alcoholic (binging every 2-3 months then back to decent husband, so I thought), bulimic (at least it doesn't embarrass me in public), and now a cheater.
The weird thing is I despise the thought of divorcing. My parents split when I was 6 and it was soooo hard
. We have a wonderful little boy that's 18 months that thinks his dad hung the moon. And he's a great dad, always playing, very involved. We've been together since I was 18 (32 now). I'm smart, funny, attractive, well employed, and I didn't get fat after marriage (lol)..... Why the need to cheat?? He's been to a lot of rehab and I've done my alanon half. Where do I even start? He's drunk now just drove off I'm our car. So definitely not confronting him in the immediate future but I know he'll blame drinking and have no recollection (eye roll).
We're supposed to go on vacation Saturday. A cruise that I've been looking forward to for a longgggg time. Sigh..... Mind spinning. What are my first steps? See an attorney? Move in with family? They live 3 hours away :-/
Thanks so much for any tidbit. Change is so scary for me. I hate being alone!! There I said it.... So classically Codie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HH- First off, You don't have to post often. Reading and helping yourself does just as much good.
First off, you need to do what is best for you. I was with my XAH since I was 15 years old, and just divoced and I'm 50. It really doesn't get better with an A, only worse. I thought I could fix him and let me tell you I tried. If you really think it will get better with him, it won't. You say that your 18 mo. son thinks he's awesome, he won't when he see's what Dad does, and how he hurts mom. Go read the forum on children of alcoholic parents. It is not pretty, these kids (adults now) have a lot of issues.
I know you are afraid to be alone. First off, you have child, so you will NEVER be alone again. He should be your priority and do everything to make him a stable healthy child. You say that you are afraid to be alone. Look at your life, aren't you now, alone? Is there companionship, support, understanding, and respect? I never had that as my A, he took care of one person and that was not me. That's all that matters, and even till this day he thinks only of himself. He even tells me how selfish he is.... do you really want that life?
I thought how could I divorce my A after 34 years together. I had to because I was the one going insane, not him. Mom was the crazy one, Dad was the fun loving, irresponsible drunk.
You need to hit some alanon meetings, open AA meetings, hit the Alcoholic and new to recover forums. Learn everything you can about this terrible disease. I am sorry, but the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place.
Hugs my friend, it will slowly get better!!
First off, you need to do what is best for you. I was with my XAH since I was 15 years old, and just divoced and I'm 50. It really doesn't get better with an A, only worse. I thought I could fix him and let me tell you I tried. If you really think it will get better with him, it won't. You say that your 18 mo. son thinks he's awesome, he won't when he see's what Dad does, and how he hurts mom. Go read the forum on children of alcoholic parents. It is not pretty, these kids (adults now) have a lot of issues.
I know you are afraid to be alone. First off, you have child, so you will NEVER be alone again. He should be your priority and do everything to make him a stable healthy child. You say that you are afraid to be alone. Look at your life, aren't you now, alone? Is there companionship, support, understanding, and respect? I never had that as my A, he took care of one person and that was not me. That's all that matters, and even till this day he thinks only of himself. He even tells me how selfish he is.... do you really want that life?
I thought how could I divorce my A after 34 years together. I had to because I was the one going insane, not him. Mom was the crazy one, Dad was the fun loving, irresponsible drunk.
You need to hit some alanon meetings, open AA meetings, hit the Alcoholic and new to recover forums. Learn everything you can about this terrible disease. I am sorry, but the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place.
Hugs my friend, it will slowly get better!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HH- I have walked in your shoes, as many of us have. Take your time and do what you need to do. Alanon suggests that you make no important decisions for at least 6 months, as you are really kind of 'crazy" right now.
We all love our A's but that doesn't mean that we can still live in their crazy world. Do lots of reading and asking questions. Even go and ask questions of the A's. They will tell your right off, until it really "hurts" the A will not even think of stopping.
Hugs to you and reach out if you need me!!
We all love our A's but that doesn't mean that we can still live in their crazy world. Do lots of reading and asking questions. Even go and ask questions of the A's. They will tell your right off, until it really "hurts" the A will not even think of stopping.
Hugs to you and reach out if you need me!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Let me tell you what someone told me in my first marriage (not an A) but the father of my three children. It was a horrible situation and someone came to me and said "do you want your children growing up thinking this is normal? Because this IS their normal. And your daughters will grow up and if a man treats them nice and with kindness they will think something is wrong with him. Your son will treat girls and his wife the way your husband does now".
That was all I needed to hear! I filed for divorce the next day after 15+ years of marriage and never regretted it for a second. My son, who was six when we divorced, had a horrible attitude towards women. He was very chauvinistic. And I'm sure if I didn't constantly show and tell him a different way of treating women he would evidentially grow up to be abusive to his wife or be alone because no women will take what he dishes out. Since being away from that environment, all three of my children seem to be healthier in their thinking and hopefully realize that is not the norm.
And my first husband cheated also. It has nothing to do with you. I have heard, sometimes when a man has married someone "out of their league" they cheat to boost their ego. I know the pain of your spouse cheating. I know it doesn't help, but I promise it truly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how horrible he feels about himself.
That was all I needed to hear! I filed for divorce the next day after 15+ years of marriage and never regretted it for a second. My son, who was six when we divorced, had a horrible attitude towards women. He was very chauvinistic. And I'm sure if I didn't constantly show and tell him a different way of treating women he would evidentially grow up to be abusive to his wife or be alone because no women will take what he dishes out. Since being away from that environment, all three of my children seem to be healthier in their thinking and hopefully realize that is not the norm.
And my first husband cheated also. It has nothing to do with you. I have heard, sometimes when a man has married someone "out of their league" they cheat to boost their ego. I know the pain of your spouse cheating. I know it doesn't help, but I promise it truly has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how horrible he feels about himself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think your first step is to talk to your husband.
You don't have to decide anything this second. Have the conversation, then you can start thinking about what to do next. Not everyone ends a marriage due to infidelity. I know people who HAVE successfully worked that through. You may decide you don't want to do that, but first things first.
Is there any way you can cancel/postpone the cruise? It doesn't sound like you'll enjoy it much until this gets resolved.
If it were me, I think I'd let the cops know he's driving drunk.
Hugs, sorry you're going through all this.
You don't have to decide anything this second. Have the conversation, then you can start thinking about what to do next. Not everyone ends a marriage due to infidelity. I know people who HAVE successfully worked that through. You may decide you don't want to do that, but first things first.
Is there any way you can cancel/postpone the cruise? It doesn't sound like you'll enjoy it much until this gets resolved.
If it were me, I think I'd let the cops know he's driving drunk.
Hugs, sorry you're going through all this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Easier said than done but take the cheating out of the equation, and your son out of the equation -how would you describe your marriage and are you happy in it?
If you are then I would do as Lexie says and talk with your husband about what you found and the see if you are both on the same page toward repairing the damage. If you aren't happy to begin with then you need to figure out if this is the "last straw" so to speak.
"Working things out" with an active alcoholic is never easy, and it sounds like with the mention of "rehabs" that his problems have probably been at the core of your your marriage for awhile.
Its better to come from a broken home than live in one. Your son will be affected by your husbands alcoholism no matter how nice or how good a dad he is, how is dad treating mom? There will come the day that your son sees Dad driving drunk too.
When it comes to infidelity what you are as a person to spouse has nothing to do with it (most of the time I'd say there are some exceptions). The most beautiful, successful, charismatic women (and men) through out history have been cheated on. It doesn't matter what you look like, or that you didn't gain weight. Doesn't mater that you financially contribute, that you are a great mom, likable, or smart. Unfortunately I have seen in my profession many clients who are dealing with infidelity. Often the affair is with women who couldn't hold a candle to the wives in looks, education, or really much of anything yet their husbands are with them. In other words his infidelity is NOT about you at all. Its only about him. If you can grasp that concept and hold on tight to it from the get go you will be a step ahead when the blaming starts that this is due to something you have done or not done.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
If you are then I would do as Lexie says and talk with your husband about what you found and the see if you are both on the same page toward repairing the damage. If you aren't happy to begin with then you need to figure out if this is the "last straw" so to speak.
"Working things out" with an active alcoholic is never easy, and it sounds like with the mention of "rehabs" that his problems have probably been at the core of your your marriage for awhile.
Its better to come from a broken home than live in one. Your son will be affected by your husbands alcoholism no matter how nice or how good a dad he is, how is dad treating mom? There will come the day that your son sees Dad driving drunk too.
When it comes to infidelity what you are as a person to spouse has nothing to do with it (most of the time I'd say there are some exceptions). The most beautiful, successful, charismatic women (and men) through out history have been cheated on. It doesn't matter what you look like, or that you didn't gain weight. Doesn't mater that you financially contribute, that you are a great mom, likable, or smart. Unfortunately I have seen in my profession many clients who are dealing with infidelity. Often the affair is with women who couldn't hold a candle to the wives in looks, education, or really much of anything yet their husbands are with them. In other words his infidelity is NOT about you at all. Its only about him. If you can grasp that concept and hold on tight to it from the get go you will be a step ahead when the blaming starts that this is due to something you have done or not done.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi! So glad you reached out. Don't feel bad about lack of participation. I am here too much so claim some of my time as your own.
I am really sorry for what you are going through. I agree with Lexie. First thing you need to talk to him about what you know. Second, you need to get to a doctor or clinic and get yourself tested. I have heard too many stories about women who were unaware of any infidelity until they got an std.
As far as divorce is concerned I realized for me it wasn't that my parents divorced that was so terrible it was how they behaved after the divorce that made things miserable. Your son is so young if you divorced he would adapt quickly especially if the two of you worked together to make sure it worked.
I would really consider cancelling the cruise. Do you really want to be trapped with him in a small cabin on a ship with all the booze available?
One other thing do not let him drink and drive ever again. What if he kills someone
I am really sorry for what you are going through. I agree with Lexie. First thing you need to talk to him about what you know. Second, you need to get to a doctor or clinic and get yourself tested. I have heard too many stories about women who were unaware of any infidelity until they got an std.
As far as divorce is concerned I realized for me it wasn't that my parents divorced that was so terrible it was how they behaved after the divorce that made things miserable. Your son is so young if you divorced he would adapt quickly especially if the two of you worked together to make sure it worked.
I would really consider cancelling the cruise. Do you really want to be trapped with him in a small cabin on a ship with all the booze available?
One other thing do not let him drink and drive ever again. What if he kills someone
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Good for you that you reached out! That is what we are all here for 
We've been together since I was 18 (32 now). I'm smart, funny, attractive, well employed, and I didn't get fat after marriage (lol)..... Why the need to cheat??
^^This, right here....hon, you could be Mrs. America and he could / would still cheat on you.
Earthworm was right, his cheating is not about your education or your looks, it is who he is.
On the flip side of that comment, I am glad you see yourself in a positive manner.
We've been together since I was 18 (32 now). I'm smart, funny, attractive, well employed, and I didn't get fat after marriage (lol)..... Why the need to cheat??
^^This, right here....hon, you could be Mrs. America and he could / would still cheat on you.
Earthworm was right, his cheating is not about your education or your looks, it is who he is.
On the flip side of that comment, I am glad you see yourself in a positive manner.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi HH, every marriage is different and you probably have an idea whether his infidelity is a one-off or a habit. Is it serious or a fling? Does it matter to you either way?
If it's any comfort, most people struggle with a decision to end their marriage because the stakes are high, especially with children. It would come down to how you both feel, and how much value you put on marriage.
I'm divorced myself, and although it was hard for everyone, it can be done in a manner that spares the children a lot of stress. It has to do with whether the parents can remain on good terms.
I would worry about the alcoholism just as much as the infidelity because it tends to escalate as time passes.
If it's any comfort, most people struggle with a decision to end their marriage because the stakes are high, especially with children. It would come down to how you both feel, and how much value you put on marriage.
I'm divorced myself, and although it was hard for everyone, it can be done in a manner that spares the children a lot of stress. It has to do with whether the parents can remain on good terms.
I would worry about the alcoholism just as much as the infidelity because it tends to escalate as time passes.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HHTexas......What do you WANT to do?
What are your plans...so far....?
After reading your past posts.....this infidelity business has been going on for a long time....and, you have been going to alanon for a long time....
dandylion
What are your plans...so far....?
After reading your past posts.....this infidelity business has been going on for a long time....and, you have been going to alanon for a long time....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Thanks for all of the replies. He's been out all night so the house is peaceful. Who knows if he's in a ditch somewhere.....
What do I want?? I want to rewind my life and never show up for our first date. I think I'm still in shock. Not surprised. But denial is so comfortable. And I really want to go on the ******** vacation. Work has been so stressful lately. Bleh, we'll see.
I'm apprehensive about confronting him. I wouldnt do it when he's drinking (pointless) but when he's drying out, I'll get the "can we talk about this later" response...
What do I want?? I want to rewind my life and never show up for our first date. I think I'm still in shock. Not surprised. But denial is so comfortable. And I really want to go on the ******** vacation. Work has been so stressful lately. Bleh, we'll see.
I'm apprehensive about confronting him. I wouldnt do it when he's drinking (pointless) but when he's drying out, I'll get the "can we talk about this later" response...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HHTexas,,,,,it sounds, to me, like you are comfortable enough in the marriage that you are not wanting to "rock the boat".
I do believe that it is true...that....we will make changes when the fear to remaining the same is greater than the fear of change.....
Humans tend to prefer what is most comfortable......
I know you have been to alanon.....I have noticed that so many on this forum have recommended individual therapy for their individual issues in addition to alanon.
I don't think it could hurt......
dandylion
I do believe that it is true...that....we will make changes when the fear to remaining the same is greater than the fear of change.....
Humans tend to prefer what is most comfortable......
I know you have been to alanon.....I have noticed that so many on this forum have recommended individual therapy for their individual issues in addition to alanon.
I don't think it could hurt......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
I am glad you joined us and I know you have a million thought in your head right now.
I agree no decisions need be made right this second.
Except, getting yourself tested pronto for std's. Take care of you.
I agree no decisions need be made right this second.
Except, getting yourself tested pronto for std's. Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi HH- ((((HUGS)))
I'm sorry you're going through this. I have been where you are. It hurts like nothing else I've ever felt and you don't deserve it!!!
As others have already said, his cheating is not about you- or anything you are doing or not doing. It is about him.
I think the advice from maia about not making any decisions for at least six months is good. I know for me, last summer when AH was cheating, I knew he was cheating while it was going on, for a good portion of that time, but I was not ready to take any action (still not quite there). When you are dealing with all the crazyness that comes along with living with an active A, you are just trying to get through the days, get through the binges, and the abuse, and keep your child's life as "normal" and as healthy as you can.
Having to process the cheating too is just too much when you're in the thick of if... at least it was for me.
Just wanted to make a comment about this...
"He's drunk now just drove off I'm our car"
My AH drove drunk all the time. In my car (taken without my permission) and in his truck. I never called the police to report that, but I wish I would have. I didn't want him to blame me, be angry with me. I also didn't want him to get another DUI (he already has 2) and lose his job. He ended up getting arrested three times in three months without me having to call, but not for DUI.
But not reporting that is one of my big regrets.
If he got arrested and had to spend a couple of days in jail it might give you a chance to clear your head... just sayin...
Take care of you and your little one!!!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I have been where you are. It hurts like nothing else I've ever felt and you don't deserve it!!!
As others have already said, his cheating is not about you- or anything you are doing or not doing. It is about him.
I think the advice from maia about not making any decisions for at least six months is good. I know for me, last summer when AH was cheating, I knew he was cheating while it was going on, for a good portion of that time, but I was not ready to take any action (still not quite there). When you are dealing with all the crazyness that comes along with living with an active A, you are just trying to get through the days, get through the binges, and the abuse, and keep your child's life as "normal" and as healthy as you can.
Having to process the cheating too is just too much when you're in the thick of if... at least it was for me.
Just wanted to make a comment about this...
"He's drunk now just drove off I'm our car"
My AH drove drunk all the time. In my car (taken without my permission) and in his truck. I never called the police to report that, but I wish I would have. I didn't want him to blame me, be angry with me. I also didn't want him to get another DUI (he already has 2) and lose his job. He ended up getting arrested three times in three months without me having to call, but not for DUI.
But not reporting that is one of my big regrets.
If he got arrested and had to spend a couple of days in jail it might give you a chance to clear your head... just sayin...
Take care of you and your little one!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
What bothers me is you can't talk to him when he is drunk. Cause why bother. He won't talk to you about it when he isn't drunk. So, you are stuck. This isn't like he got drunk at a bar, picked someone up, and had a quickie in his car. He actually got a room. He planned this. Do you really want to be blindsided by coming home from work one day and his stuff is gone? You need to know where you stand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
I think I'm ready. Trying to decide some first steps to take. Maybe finding a counselor, chatting with an attorney about LM (little man), scoping out a few apartments. Ideally, I'd like to live apart for a little while and see how things go. Do people really pay a mortgage AND rent??
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by HHTexas 
I think I'm ready. Trying to decide some first steps to take. Maybe finding a counselor, chatting with an attorney about LM (little man), scoping out a few apartments. Ideally, I'd like to live apart for a little while and see how things go. Do people really pay a mortgage AND rent??
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
