Wife got a DUI with my 7yo son in the car
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Could you please explain the reasons behind this assumption?
The reason that I ask is that by spelling this out--might clarify some things for yourself.....
dandylion
The reason that I ask is that by spelling this out--might clarify some things for yourself.....
dandylion
I know that I personally have drank too much and used drugs in the past to deal with a lot of my own personal issues. That is why I can understand the "self medicating nature" on an addict. When I was a teenager I smoked weed almost everyday sometimes two to three times a day for probably two years. That caused a lot of problems in my life. One day a friend said to me "you aren't funny anymore, you use to be funny." He wasn't saying it to be mean, he said it as an observation. He was also someone I smoked weed with. That showed me that I had changed. That was it, I quit smoking weed. I used drugs intermittently for the next few years, nothing like before and then stopped by 21 or 22 and never did it again. I drank pretty heavily in my 20s and early 30s. When I met my wife my drinking dropped dramatically and I even quit smoking. One day we were at a college football bowl game and I drank way too much. My buddies and I were horsing around and I basically did a very poor backflip, landed on my left shoulder and dislocated and separated it. I think about that day and know that if I had landed just a couple of inches over I could have broken my neck and been paralyzed. It could have easily happened. Now I have a constant reminder of my collar bone sticking up on my left shoulder as to why I don't need to get drunk. That was 10 years ago.
So my reasons for making that statement is that I know I have been at fault for drinking and using drugs and it concerned me that others might read that and think that I am being a hypocrite about my wife. And maybe I am, I don't really know. I apologize if my statement offended anyone.
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You're not being a hypocrite. You have children to protect and horsing around and getting drunk is very different from lying and hiding drinking. You stopped using drugs and alcohol irresponsibly, and kudos to you for that. Your wife needs to take responsibility for herself. You have every right to be angry and hurt. It's probably a good idea to work through these things while she's gone and continue to do so when she gets back.
You are doing great and I admire your strength so much. Have fun this weekend!
You are doing great and I admire your strength so much. Have fun this weekend!
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Originally Posted by ScubaDad
Sure, sometimes I feel like the advice I am getting here is pretty harsh, it sometimes feels like others are taking their experiences from the past and advising thinking only the worse can happen. I read a lot of posts where there is a very harsh tone to the alcoholic overall.
For perspective, I guess I would say that there is a wide band of differing experience here. You and yours -- are on the front end. And in your case, she sounds sincere and repentant. If per the AA Big Book she can be Honest, she has a good chance at Recovery. On the other hand, many, or probably even most A's cannot.
So then other plans are made. (or Plan X, as Code Job says -- where X stands for Exit.)
I know that I personally have drank too much and used drugs in the past to deal with a lot of my own personal issues. That is why I can understand the "self medicating nature" on an addict. When I was a teenager I smoked weed almost everyday sometimes two to three times a day for probably two years. That caused a lot of problems in my life. One day a friend said to me "you aren't funny anymore, you use to be funny." He wasn't saying it to be mean, he said it as an observation. He was also someone I smoked weed with. That showed me that I had changed. That was it, I quit smoking weed. I used drugs intermittently for the next few years, nothing like before and then stopped by 21 or 22 and never did it again. I drank pretty heavily in my 20s and early 30s. When I met my wife my drinking dropped dramatically and I even quit smoking. One day we were at a college football bowl game and I drank way too much. My buddies and I were horsing around and I basically did a very poor backflip, landed on my left shoulder and dislocated and separated it. I think about that day and know that if I had landed just a couple of inches over I could have broken my neck and been paralyzed. It could have easily happened. Now I have a constant reminder of my collar bone sticking up on my left shoulder as to why I don't need to get drunk. That was 10 years ago.
In reverse, I would caution you NOT to extract your own experience to compare to an addiction -- especially if you are NOT an addict. Do you follow? Alcohol (and Drugs) are NOT the real problem in most real addiction (even though we chant the Steps, like they were).
Maybe in some of your reading, look at the Big Book? Free online. Easy read. It covers some the "levels" of addiction -- and folks like you or me who can hit it, get it, put it back down and not look back. THAT is not how this stuff works for an addict. There are Actual Measurable, Observable, Physiological, Genetic differences. You follow? Just no real comparison.
So my reasons for making that statement is that I know I have been at fault for drinking and using drugs and it concerned me that others might read that and think that I am being a hypocrite about my wife. And maybe I am, I don't really know. I apologize if my statement offended anyone.
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I used when I was a kid also, lots of drinking, lots of psychedelics. Thank god I wasn't an addict.
I think my openness to drugs when I was younger probably warped my tolerance for my ex's behavior whether or not I knew he was using. It was part of my normal range of experiences once, and so I didn't question it all that much.
I quit all drugs when I had my first child. I was young and terrified of screwing up. The risk was not worth it anymore, and I don't miss it. I still drink occasionally, but never more than a couple at a time. There but for the grace of god, you know?
I think my openness to drugs when I was younger probably warped my tolerance for my ex's behavior whether or not I knew he was using. It was part of my normal range of experiences once, and so I didn't question it all that much.
I quit all drugs when I had my first child. I was young and terrified of screwing up. The risk was not worth it anymore, and I don't miss it. I still drink occasionally, but never more than a couple at a time. There but for the grace of god, you know?
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ScubaDad---I appreciate, very much, your willingness to answer that question---and I especially admire that you had the ....'nads to be open and vulnerable.
I understand your reasoning on this. I get it, now. Actually, there is a lot of anger expressed around here, by my own observation,.....but, I find it very understandable...if you look at what this forum is about. We ARE all about feelings, around here....expressing as opposed to stuffing, etc. Anger, most often, is covering up a lot of hurt and fear....it is that anger seems to be an easier "go to" emotion for us humans. A lot of us came here practically crippled in our pain and suffering.
I would bet that if you were to talk to each member, individually, though....they would tell you that they hate the disease---and NOT the individual....not the person.
I know that that applies to me.
There, but, for the grace of God.....
sincerely,
dandylion
ScubaDad....to add a little humor.....
I have heard some of my friends from the AA side of things call alanoners:
"Our Ladies of Perpetual Revenge"
I understand your reasoning on this. I get it, now. Actually, there is a lot of anger expressed around here, by my own observation,.....but, I find it very understandable...if you look at what this forum is about. We ARE all about feelings, around here....expressing as opposed to stuffing, etc. Anger, most often, is covering up a lot of hurt and fear....it is that anger seems to be an easier "go to" emotion for us humans. A lot of us came here practically crippled in our pain and suffering.
I would bet that if you were to talk to each member, individually, though....they would tell you that they hate the disease---and NOT the individual....not the person.
I know that that applies to me.
There, but, for the grace of God.....
sincerely,
dandylion
ScubaDad....to add a little humor.....
I have heard some of my friends from the AA side of things call alanoners:
"Our Ladies of Perpetual Revenge"
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Hi all. Thought I would share something real quick.
The kids and I are down at our lake house. My wife told me the other day where her "stash" of empties were down here, in the kids closet wrapped up in an air mattress. I found two empty one liter bottles of absolute. Again I am surprised at how all this went on right under my nose. About five or six weeks ago I had come down before my wife and kids, when my wife showed up she had a bottle of vodka with all the other groceries. I admit at the time I thought that was weird, we typically just drink corona's out on the boat, but whatever. So I am about to pour out this almost full bottle of vodka and throw it away with the other two bottles. My curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to find out what straight absolute tastes likes. I take a sip and say "wow, that is really smooth, I can see how this was easy to drink." Then I taste it again, and think "hey, that is too smooth, kind of like water." So I taste a sip out of the empty bottles, there was a drop in there. And.........bam! Yuck, that is vodka, the other bottle, that was out in the open, that I had mixed drinks with was pure water. At some point she drank all of it, a fifth, and filled it back up with water and then placed it on the counter. Very weird.
Good times.
The kids and I are down at our lake house. My wife told me the other day where her "stash" of empties were down here, in the kids closet wrapped up in an air mattress. I found two empty one liter bottles of absolute. Again I am surprised at how all this went on right under my nose. About five or six weeks ago I had come down before my wife and kids, when my wife showed up she had a bottle of vodka with all the other groceries. I admit at the time I thought that was weird, we typically just drink corona's out on the boat, but whatever. So I am about to pour out this almost full bottle of vodka and throw it away with the other two bottles. My curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to find out what straight absolute tastes likes. I take a sip and say "wow, that is really smooth, I can see how this was easy to drink." Then I taste it again, and think "hey, that is too smooth, kind of like water." So I taste a sip out of the empty bottles, there was a drop in there. And.........bam! Yuck, that is vodka, the other bottle, that was out in the open, that I had mixed drinks with was pure water. At some point she drank all of it, a fifth, and filled it back up with water and then placed it on the counter. Very weird.
Good times.
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Well, maybe weird to you, Scuba.....but not to an alcoholic. In my experience, the alcoholic develops their own little "bag of tricks". Remember, that the alcoholic is subject to powerful cravings and compulsions....all of the time. 24-7. At some level, it is on their mind. Must plan for the next drink. Must try to appear normal. Like water for fish and oxygen for land roamers.
they drink to feel "normal" and to keep away pain.
Thus, it is necessary to always be thinking....planning....protecting that which they feel is necessary for them to function. Stealth is necessary...as well as lying about it, if caught.
I can see why you would be completely cornswaggled by this, though...LOL! Cause it has never been necessary for you to think like this.
You know, I go back to the Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. articles, every once in a while and re-read them to remind myself of how the alcoholic mind works...to remind myself, that while in the grip of the addiction...they see the world through a completely different filter than a normie does. It helps me keep my perspective.....
dandylion
PS. I am dripping with envy that you are at your lake house. Make some good memories.
they drink to feel "normal" and to keep away pain.
Thus, it is necessary to always be thinking....planning....protecting that which they feel is necessary for them to function. Stealth is necessary...as well as lying about it, if caught.
I can see why you would be completely cornswaggled by this, though...LOL! Cause it has never been necessary for you to think like this.
You know, I go back to the Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. articles, every once in a while and re-read them to remind myself of how the alcoholic mind works...to remind myself, that while in the grip of the addiction...they see the world through a completely different filter than a normie does. It helps me keep my perspective.....
dandylion
PS. I am dripping with envy that you are at your lake house. Make some good memories.
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LivingLife4Me...I am sure there could be more than one logical reason. The first one that I can think of is this: Many people mix vodka with water or soda or tonic water, etc. It she was "hiding out" near that location..perhaps she wanted to have her mixer near by. Also, when people are very drunk, sometimes, they do really stupid things.
Just my thoughts....
dandylion
Just my thoughts....
dandylion
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Just a passing guess, but my guess would be lies.
And yes, of course, the lies make No Sense in Sane World.
(btw, I would suggest not spending too much time staring across the fence into crazy land).
But a typical A self-lie may go like this.
I am not an A.
I do not drink too much.
oh, oh, that bottle is empty, which must mean I drank it all.
I know! I will fill it with water, and then it is not empty.
Now. Where is the next drink?
Not saying that is the exact story, but any story will do.
Goes like this --
First Lie, I am NOT an A.
Second Lie, (anything that will cover and validate the First Lie)
Rest of the Lies, (anything that will cover and validate the First and Second Lie).
And yes, of course, the lies make No Sense in Sane World.
(btw, I would suggest not spending too much time staring across the fence into crazy land).
But a typical A self-lie may go like this.
I am not an A.
I do not drink too much.
oh, oh, that bottle is empty, which must mean I drank it all.
I know! I will fill it with water, and then it is not empty.
Now. Where is the next drink?
Not saying that is the exact story, but any story will do.
Goes like this --
First Lie, I am NOT an A.
Second Lie, (anything that will cover and validate the First Lie)
Rest of the Lies, (anything that will cover and validate the First and Second Lie).
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Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me
I am not following why would the A fill up the empty bottle of vodka with water?
As an alcoholic I think we have all done this at some point.
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Answer - drank the bottle that was out in the open. Refilled with water to make like it was never touched. No plan what to do after that.
Would have been interesting to hear her thoughts if I had mixed a drink with it for myself.
Would have been interesting to hear her thoughts if I had mixed a drink with it for myself.
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SD- you are really grasping things quickly. Be patient with yourself. A lot has been discovered in your life in the past 10 days. You are learning a new way of life via recovery, addiction, enabling, rehab, 12 steps, etc. This post I quoted below is very impressive how you see all of these threads so quickly!
Hope the lake trip is lovely!
Hope the lake trip is lovely!
Originally Posted by ScubaDad
Good morning all! Kids and I are getting ready to head to the lake, got some friends to watch the pets while we are gone for the weekend, this is going to be great.
Spoke to the wife on the phone last night and the first thing she did was apologize for getting side tracked with the "drama" in her rehab house, apologized for being defensive with me and finally thanked me for everything that I am doing here at home so she can be in rehab. Wow! That is all I want, someone to say thank you. Doesn't seem like to hard a thing for someone to do. Made a huge difference in my anger. I told her as much. All I want is the occasional thank you and I absolutely don't want to hear any whining about TV privileges or someone else's smoking privileges.
She said that they had a very direct and stern counselor yesterday and he was calling them all out on their nonsense. She immediately felt bad for her outburst. I know some of you might think she is working me, but I would say this is the first time in a very long time that she has admitted when she did something wrong. She has done it in the past but it would take days, weeks or even months for her to admit fault. She needs this if she wants to heal herself.
Started reading the book "A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps and 12 Principles." That is a great book. It is helping me understand how the alcoholism starts, how it progresses and how it can take on other destructive behavior. I wish they would make high school kids read this book so that they could understand how starting out with experimenting with drugs or alcohol could start them down a very destructive road if they are prone to addictive or compulsive behavior. I definitely experimented, or as the great Bill Hicks once said "I didn't just experiment, I was in full scale research." I guess I was one of the lucky few, I did all of that in my teens and very early 20s and then got tired of being dumb and lazy. I have no interest in "checking out of reality". I thank god that I am not dealing with some form of chemical addiction.
While reading this new book I can see how I am on some levels addicted to my wife. I don't know if that is all bad, I do not like the drama, any drama for that matter. But I can see how my behaviors have not helped this situation. I also see how my behavior as a child negatively affected my father's alcoholism, I was adding to his guilt. You have to let go, I am letting go of my wife's addiction. If she can get through this, great. If she can't, then that is when I have to make a very tough decision and walk away with our kids. I will not put up with any more nonsense. She is very aware of this. I hope she knows that it will happen and I will keep walking.
I highly encourage anyone to read this book. It is answering a lot for me. It explains the differences in the brain of an addict, any addiction. The explanation on how their addiction can progress and move into other destructive behaviors make so much sense to me now. I need to understand something to be able to move through it. Not knowing how all of this started and how it got worse has been very hard for me to get through. Now I am starting to.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with my admission on drinking and drugs when I was younger, its the truth, hate me if you must. I don't care anymore what others think. I know I am a good person, I have done some stupid things, and I know I am not doing them anymore. At least I will try not to.
I feel like I am rambling this morning, so I will stop. Have a great day and a great weekend.
Spoke to the wife on the phone last night and the first thing she did was apologize for getting side tracked with the "drama" in her rehab house, apologized for being defensive with me and finally thanked me for everything that I am doing here at home so she can be in rehab. Wow! That is all I want, someone to say thank you. Doesn't seem like to hard a thing for someone to do. Made a huge difference in my anger. I told her as much. All I want is the occasional thank you and I absolutely don't want to hear any whining about TV privileges or someone else's smoking privileges.
She said that they had a very direct and stern counselor yesterday and he was calling them all out on their nonsense. She immediately felt bad for her outburst. I know some of you might think she is working me, but I would say this is the first time in a very long time that she has admitted when she did something wrong. She has done it in the past but it would take days, weeks or even months for her to admit fault. She needs this if she wants to heal herself.
Started reading the book "A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps and 12 Principles." That is a great book. It is helping me understand how the alcoholism starts, how it progresses and how it can take on other destructive behavior. I wish they would make high school kids read this book so that they could understand how starting out with experimenting with drugs or alcohol could start them down a very destructive road if they are prone to addictive or compulsive behavior. I definitely experimented, or as the great Bill Hicks once said "I didn't just experiment, I was in full scale research." I guess I was one of the lucky few, I did all of that in my teens and very early 20s and then got tired of being dumb and lazy. I have no interest in "checking out of reality". I thank god that I am not dealing with some form of chemical addiction.
While reading this new book I can see how I am on some levels addicted to my wife. I don't know if that is all bad, I do not like the drama, any drama for that matter. But I can see how my behaviors have not helped this situation. I also see how my behavior as a child negatively affected my father's alcoholism, I was adding to his guilt. You have to let go, I am letting go of my wife's addiction. If she can get through this, great. If she can't, then that is when I have to make a very tough decision and walk away with our kids. I will not put up with any more nonsense. She is very aware of this. I hope she knows that it will happen and I will keep walking.
I highly encourage anyone to read this book. It is answering a lot for me. It explains the differences in the brain of an addict, any addiction. The explanation on how their addiction can progress and move into other destructive behaviors make so much sense to me now. I need to understand something to be able to move through it. Not knowing how all of this started and how it got worse has been very hard for me to get through. Now I am starting to.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with my admission on drinking and drugs when I was younger, its the truth, hate me if you must. I don't care anymore what others think. I know I am a good person, I have done some stupid things, and I know I am not doing them anymore. At least I will try not to.
I feel like I am rambling this morning, so I will stop. Have a great day and a great weekend.
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Well SD,
See you are so quick Hammer wants you planning your exit already.
You seem somewhat aware of ACOA. You definitely meet criteria. Here is a laundry list of traits for you to reflect upon. I am a poster child due to family dysfunction, not A. Maybe a meeting with this as a focus might be A good fit for you to check out sometime? I think they are around...
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Another thing I found helpful is Karpman Drama Triangles. My H and I both adore being victims. Recently, my T started talking to me about some different relationship triangles where I over function and my H under functions. I can't recall the theory name at the moment bc frankly it irritated me!
. I immediately could see how I have kept things together and rarely relied on my H. I did not start an emotional reaction to this whole mess until he was about 6 mo sober. BC it wasn't until then that my ambitious every day self felt safe enough to stop and reflect a bit and acknowledge my emotions are really messed up!
See you are so quick Hammer wants you planning your exit already.
You seem somewhat aware of ACOA. You definitely meet criteria. Here is a laundry list of traits for you to reflect upon. I am a poster child due to family dysfunction, not A. Maybe a meeting with this as a focus might be A good fit for you to check out sometime? I think they are around...
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Another thing I found helpful is Karpman Drama Triangles. My H and I both adore being victims. Recently, my T started talking to me about some different relationship triangles where I over function and my H under functions. I can't recall the theory name at the moment bc frankly it irritated me!
. I immediately could see how I have kept things together and rarely relied on my H. I did not start an emotional reaction to this whole mess until he was about 6 mo sober. BC it wasn't until then that my ambitious every day self felt safe enough to stop and reflect a bit and acknowledge my emotions are really messed up!
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Originally Posted by ScubaDad
Answer - drank the bottle that was out in the open. Refilled with water to make like it was never touched. No plan what to do after that.
Would have been interesting to hear her thoughts if I had mixed a drink with it for myself.
Would have been interesting to hear her thoughts if I had mixed a drink with it for myself.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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Originally Posted by ScubaDad
...So my reasons for making that statement is that I know I have been at fault for drinking and using drugs and it concerned me that others might read that and think that I am being a hypocrite about my wife. And maybe I am, I don't really know. I apologize if my statement offended anyone....
My ex never went to rehab, or any kind of help for her pill addiction. The roller coaster of feelings I went thru, however, were much the way you have described yours. I think it's just part of the "Standard Procedure" for us alanoids; feelings go up, feelings go down, feelings go all the way around.
Please do feel free to continue to share with us. If anybody takes exception and loses their serenity, which does happen from time to time, I will take them aside and see if I can talk them down. You have enough to deal with in real life, let me look after peeps who might be struggling with their own emotions in their own lives.
Mike
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To hide the amount they drank. Eventually a trip to store for more real vodka, then toss away the "water bottle" and no one knows the difference, except the alcoholic.
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I am exceptionally aware of that, and everything else she did. That is why I have been to a therapist 4 times since, attended two Alanon meetings, told her she could either go to inpatient rehab or move out and have given up reading anything for pleasure because I am only reading about alcoholism. I also have taken on the role of mommy and daddy for the last 9 days. Trust me, it is all very front and center in my thoughts.
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