I think I am dating an alcoholic

Old 03-22-2014, 06:36 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
A was pretty grumpy and rude this morning and last night. He has accused me of being grumpy and thus returning the favour- being incredibly rude, even coming for dinner, and prepared his own and sat and ate it while outs was cooking.. I am more in thought, I really am not happy and want to end it... grumpy means he is craving a drink.
You cannot hug and kiss and touch someone when deep down you know its not a long term relationhip. I am going to have to grow some balls next time he contacts me, he said something about staying away a few days "while I get over my moodiness "
So how to do this prepare a break up speech, or just let things cool and wait till he asks for a 'please explain"

Codejob.. gardening is so therapeutic.... I love it, despite only in pots
SierraRose is offline  
Old 03-22-2014, 08:37 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I agree about dumping and running. As fast as possible.

With each date, you're building towards something that will only get harder to leave.

Being married to an unrepentant alcoholic, I can tell you that having it surface later on in life will only make it that much more fun. Add kids to the mix, and the party gets even wilder.

You definately don't want this, and its something I would never wish on my worst enemy.

Cut, run, and don't even waste another moment of your brain power, time, life on trying to figure what to do next with a potential alcoholic.

While youre always welcome here, i truly hope and pray that the next post I read from you is 'i dumped the guy. Thank you all' and 'bye', and we never hear from you again.

Peace be with you.

Last edited by Spinner-007; 03-22-2014 at 08:38 PM. Reason: Misspelled dont with doing.
Spinner-007 is offline  
Old 03-22-2014, 10:01 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
Yes Spinner, it hopefully shall be so.
I am enjoying a family day without him and although the boys miss their giant playmate for nerf wars, we can already sense more peace without him being here. he is dumped but doesn't know it.
Assuming he will ring, I will explan over the phone this relationship isheaded nowhere thus I do not want to continue it.
SierraRose is offline  
Old 03-22-2014, 11:27 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
BoxinRotz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by SierraRose View Post
So how to do this prepare a break up speech...
Very easily. No reason to stress out over it any longer than what you already have...

F*** OFF!

It gets the point across and gives very little wiggle room for make up sex.
BoxinRotz is offline  
Old 03-23-2014, 01:22 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
It's done. A few vague texts, and I said the things on my mind I wanted to talk about, he rang, and I said can I come in person to chat, he said "are you breaking up with me? "
I said yes, and started to explain, but he hung up.
So it is done.

Assuming the misery messages will start soon..
SierraRose is offline  
Old 03-23-2014, 02:21 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
It's for your best and your boys.


Originally Posted by SierraRose View Post
It's done. A few vague texts, and I said the things on my mind I wanted to talk about, he rang, and I said can I come in person to chat, he said "are you breaking up with me? "
I said yes, and started to explain, but he hung up.
So it is done.

Assuming the misery messages will start soon..
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 03-23-2014, 02:35 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
I think so.
Break ups are easier said than done. I guess its been so long I forgotton the emotional turmoil, but I am setting boundaries
SierraRose is offline  
Old 03-23-2014, 03:06 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Recovered People Pleaser
 
Ifnotforgrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
Break ups are easy when we realize we are mismatched. Have some criterion about who you will let in your inner circle and make no bones about it. If you are incompatible then you are incompatible..Not worth your time and no need to waste theirs.

Become Healthy attract healthy. No reason to ever date a smoker or a drinker these days-just rule those two out to begin with and save yourself some heart ache. Set those boundaries early, no need not too. Look for signs of immaturity, require honesty. Trust is more important than Love any day. In fact for real love to be reason trust is a prerequisite.

Make sure you are on the same or close to the same page on religion, politics and social issues. Do you love team sports and he like hiking? Problems. All relationships have difficulties, but no need in taking on extras right off the bat.
Ifnotforgrace is offline  
Old 03-23-2014, 03:14 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
Relationships are difficult, in any event , I have my own issues as well, I am a carer to my daughter and grandson who have a neurological condition that requires constant suppervsion. imagine if you will an 11 year old with a baby.
That would be a turn of for so many and I could see the stress having an impact on SJ, and he was showing signs of resentment, despite the baby and my son who both loved him.
Its only been a few hours and I am sure my sadness will go, and as mentioned above, once broken up- he is no longer my responsibility, but with anyone suffering addiction and the associated mental problems.. it can cause a relapse and,, I did not want to be stuck in a relationship in order to try prevent it for some time.. He won't see it that way..
I thank you all for your support during this time. This website and the Al non principles have been really helpful
SierraRose is offline  
Old 03-23-2014, 06:28 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,507
Originally Posted by SierraRose View Post
It's done. A few vague texts, and I said the things on my mind I wanted to talk about, he rang, and I said can I come in person to chat, he said "are you breaking up with me? "
I said yes, and started to explain, but he hung up.
So it is done.

Assuming the misery messages will start soon..

Do yourself (and him) a favor and block his number.
You are done with the relationship, so make a clean break.
Hawkeye13 is online now  
Old 03-23-2014, 06:22 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
He has been pretty quiet, deleted me of facebook and I took his number off my phone. We live in a smallish town, so might run into him.., but I am hibernating for now and know his habits and how to avoid that mostly Right now am working on myself not to be feeling concerned about him relapsing.
I have some belongings of his and at some point need to return - and collect, but I will wait or maybe drop off at his parents place.
Am proud of myself.. for not continuing to make apologetic texts etc.. reminding ,yself it is HIS emotions and HIS responisblity
SierraRose is offline  
Old 03-24-2014, 12:56 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You will look back and be grateful that you ended it. He is not your project or problem to fix. You were only 11 months in and not financially/legally tied... you still have the chance to move on and find true happiness in a relationship.
Find an AlAnon group near you and get involved. You will learn a lot about this disease, and about yourself. You will also get a great deal of support on holding your boundaries with this A....there's still a chance he will try to contact you once the dust settles. If he does, the best advice is do NOT respond.
Recovering2 is offline  
Old 03-24-2014, 02:21 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
I am certain I will look back and be grateful I ended it. This is a big test of self control for me too, I naturally worry about peoples feelings, more so because I hate seeing anyone hurting, myself included. Going to distract myself today so I stop remembering the fun stuff
SierraRose is offline  
Old 03-24-2014, 02:38 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you! That relationship would have kept you teetering on the edge forever. You did what it right for you and your kids and should be proud of yourself.

Now...stay strong!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 03-24-2014, 02:38 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I want to end it but he begs and pleads and my kids are attached to him, and I adore his parents who told me I was either a saint or a stupid.... they agree he has a problem and told me he will lie to my face.
If his parents say that, then you probably don't have to wonder a whole lot about whether he has a problem or not.

I naturally worry about peoples feelings, more so because I hate seeing anyone hurting
and that is a lovely personality trait -- until you run into someone who so desperately wants someone they can use for that particular trait... caring and compassion can be turned into codependency so quickly, and you were wise to get away. You have people close to you who need your help -- he is an adult and doesn't.

he is no longer my responsibility, but with anyone suffering addiction and the associated mental problems.. it can cause a relapse and,,
Language. Please. I have this on authority from addicts themselves -- nothing causes a relapse. Things may happen in a sober addict's life that they use as an excuse to take a relapse. When an addict says something or someone caused a relapse, they're running from responsibility.

His addiction is his responsibility. It's not yours. It never was yours. Even when you were dating.

Chin up, buttercup.
lillamy is offline  
Old 03-24-2014, 03:32 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
That's interesting, I still have quite a bit to learn about "relapse" or simlar, -distinguishing between choices and illness...
And its ended because I no longer wanted it to be my responsibility, although I am glad he reduced his drinking with me after , talks and ultimatums (I hate that word) the onus seemed to be on me and I didn't want that responsibility.

Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
If his parentsLanguage. Please. I have this on authority from addicts themselves -- nothing causes a relapse. Things may happen in a sober addict's life that they use as an excuse to take a relapse. When an addict says something or someone caused a relapse, they're running from responsibility.

His addiction is his responsibility. It's not yours. It never was yours. Even when you were dating.

Chin up, buttercup.
SierraRose is offline  
Old 03-25-2014, 11:55 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1
SierraRose,

I am also new to this site and I am amazed at how similar our stories are. My /friend/ lied to me about his drinking and stole from me. I told him we could no longer be in a romantic relationship but since he is staying with me with no place to go, it didn't feel right to just through him out. He has been two weeks sober now and I told him if he lies to me or drinks at all, I will take him to a shelter and he can stay there.

I feel so isolated because I know anyone I tell the real story to will tell me I am stupid for sticking around. I started monitoring everything he is doing to protect myself.

I kept wondering if other people had the same experience, I am glad I read your story.

How are you holding up?
Zula is offline  
Old 03-25-2014, 12:02 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
MrFixit63's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 2,107
These people have an illness it's hard to tell them just to stop most of the people would stop if they could.
You can't tell a person with a cold not to get sick again it takes a lot of support and encouragement from everybody around. Plus they have to want to quit.

Sorry just my 2 cents
Good luck
MrFixit63 is offline  
Old 03-26-2014, 06:11 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Newcastle NSW
Posts: 22
Hi Zula,
I am going through all the usual emotions from the break up, I miss the cuddles and the hanging out, but I LOVE LOVE my space, and the fact his expensive habits not costing me, I didn't realise how much of the meals, and take outs I was paying for him, and how much he mooched off me, 2 showers a day, running the fan 24/7 5-6 meals per week plus lunches I was paying for -- he would raid my pantry to make his lunches..and I had to drive him everywhere....
its not easy when you also have to realise you are enabling or rescuing, but its VERY difficult to kick someone out as well, especially with their needs and excuses.. SJ had a bad heart, and always having bad days at work, and I realise,.. every time I needed some space or "me time" he seemed to have extra bad days at work, or ill, or a sick friend, or family member.... until one day I ran into a workmate, and during conversation the "mate" was indicating that my BF was the difficult one.. not all the bosses and staff whom he frequently complained about and was often and excuse to drink.
I remember now, one time I tried to split with him, he almost read my mind and cheerfully announced I could finally meet his parents- dinner was arranged.. or another time, literally he was pulled over for speeding and going to lose his driving privaleges, and I was completely too soft to dump him after that.. I felt too mean.
Zulu.. typing stuff out.. really highlights in your mind how sneaky the nature of addiction is.. and it creeps in so subtly..
SierraRose is offline  
Old 04-01-2014, 08:01 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 41
[QUOTE=Ifnotforgrace;4545316]
Become Healthy attract healthy. No reason to ever date a smoker or a drinker these days-just rule those two out to begin with and save yourself some heart ache. Set those boundaries early, no need not too. Look for signs of immaturity, require honesty. Trust is more important than Love any day. In fact for real love to be reason trust is a prerequisite.


Thanks... Ifnotforgrace

I find myself very bonded to the alcoholic in recovery I just broke up with.
I did not know he was actively drinking when we started dating because he lied and said he was sober for 5 years.
He went to rehab while we were dating. But we broke up because he needs to focus on recovery and he is in meetings almost every night.
But... the lies...that is what is hurting. I still care for him and part of me wants to try again if he is sober a year... but the other part of me is just so upset about the lies and hearing the stories about how he has relapsed before and all the people he has hurt. He is so convinced he will never relapse again. I would be afraid that he would fall off the wagon and not tell me. I have no interest in monitoring his behavior.
HeySoulSista is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:00 PM.