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Rambling, contemplating leaving my husband as usual.

Old 02-13-2014, 05:53 PM
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Rambling, contemplating leaving my husband as usual.

I'm right there at the edge of leaving my husband. So close. The death of Philip Seymour Hoffman is playing on my mind, I read (who knows what's true) that his partner had left him recently because of his using. That's my biggest fear - I leave, and he goes down that path, and my boys lose their father. On the other hand, I know that it wouldn't be my fault...

It's so hard this situation, because most of the time he's not drinking. Weeks will go by, sometimes months, everything is normal...then he starts acting weird and I realize he's under the influence. His mum is visiting from the UK, and we had a birthday party for our 6-year-old last weekend. The party went great, couldn't have gone better. That night, I hear my husband ask her if she wants him to get her a bottle of wine. I'm thinking, "that means HE wants some wine." Sure enough, he gets "her" a bottle and everyone has a glass. I go to bed. The next morning I wake up at 5 AM, and he's still under the influence - he's taken some pills and is acting all weepy. He starts crying and telling his mom and I about how bad he feels for what he's put everyone through. I have no patience for it. Then I hear him vomiting in the bathroom. The next day of course, he says "Let's move on, I'm doing something about it, I promise..." blah, blah, blah. The boys were still asleep and of course missed all of this, as they often do, and think daddy is fine.

I've been working on myself a lot...lost 11 pounds so far, want to lose 20 more. I'm in the last stages of the interview process for my "dream" job. Feeling great. The boys are doing really well, and I've been trying to be the best mommy I can be. I just keep feeling like he's holding me/us back. I feel empathy, but no more patience. I'm just tired of it being all about him emotionally. He's so caught up in his own issues that he has nothing left to give me. I thought I could sacrifice my own needs for the good of my family, but I'm starting to realize how much happier I'd be without him bringing me down. It's not just the drinking, it's the moodiness. He can be a real jerk. He always apologizes after, but sometimes I feel nauseated just looking at him and I'm thinking "you don't deserve a loving wife." I just turned 32, and I know I have a lot of life left to live.

I know it sounds bad, but I keep wondering what my life would have been like if I'd married someone else. There was a guy pursuing me at the time I got serious with my husband...a guy I would have definitely been interested if I'd been single. I googled him the other day and his engagement announcement was in the paper, and he looked super happy, and I thought "I bet he treats her so well, I bet he doesn't drink." And then I thought about all of the people I COULD have married and now look at me. I have two perfect little boys, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. But lately I'm just thinking about what I could be missing out on, as far as emotional fulfillment and a solid marriage with a good man, who I respect. I sadly don't respect my husband, and that doesn't make for a happy life.
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Old 02-13-2014, 06:05 PM
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Doing the history, future, and woulda, coulda talks with yourself?

Me too, lately. Me, too.

but this part . . . .

But lately I'm just thinking about what I could be missing out on, as far as emotional fulfillment and a solid marriage with a good man, who I respect. I sadly don't respect my husband, and that doesn't make for a happy life.
I hear you. I really, really do -- but just cannot find where THAT is as far as The On The Beam list.

Just not finding it there. How 'bout you?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-off-beam.html
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Old 02-13-2014, 06:09 PM
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My biggest fear was that my XAH would kill someone while driving drunk. My next biggest fear was that he would commit suicide if I left him. I remember sharing that with a counselor who said, "Yes, that could happen. It most likely won't." It hit me like a ton of bricks and I finally accepted that yes, it might and it would not be my fault.

Eventually I did divorce my husband. It was the single best thing I have ever done for myself. It's been over three years and he is still alive.

I'm thankful that I finally got up the nerve to leave.
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Old 02-13-2014, 06:26 PM
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I'm sorry, Emmy. I think it's normal to wonder 'what if,' even when you have a relatively normal life/family. Even more so when you have a dysfunctional life. I don't know what the answer is for you - stay or go. I will say that as someone who is leaving their AH (he moves out this weekend), I have a lot of the same fears. Not the suicide fear but more the 'drink himself to death fear.' Thing is, he could have done that here, too. Nothing stopping him really. My nagging, begging, pleading, and loving did not make a difference in the frequency or quantities that he drank. Ultimately, it's his life and his choice. I can't make it for him. I just have to trust that God will take care of him.
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Old 02-13-2014, 07:55 PM
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(((Emmy)))

Fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) kept me stuck for almost 2 years. After reading Codependent No More, finding a good therapist, reading and posting here, I will be leaving my husband in about 3 weeks. I am finally handing him his addiction and leaving him to and with God.

We deserve so much better Emmy. Life is too short to settle. Have you considered finding a therapist to help you work through some of this?? It really helped me see what I tried so hard not too.

ETA. Cynical One has a great blog with a lot if great information. Trauma bonding, cycle of abuse, etc. It really gave me a lot of information to process with my therapist.
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Old 02-13-2014, 09:35 PM
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Hugs Emmy. Separating is kind of a shot in the dark to try to guess what your hubby will do when he's on his own. Mine has been white knuckling for the last 2 months and relapsed half way through. I am happier without him here and that definitely translates into me being a happier, better mom for my kids. He's been a better dad in that he's not drunk when he sees our kids but I feel like that's only possible because I'm policing our custody situation and he hasn't tried to argue with me over it.

I hear you when it comes to being young and wanting to be in a happy marriage. I'm 29 and listening to all of my friends talk about what their husbands are doing for them for Valentine's Day. It sucks. But I agree with LoveMeNow, therapy is great for understanding your role in all of this and how its effected you. Being married to an alcoholic definitely changes a person.
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Old 02-14-2014, 04:40 PM
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EmmyG-

He might only drink occasionally, but I bet you hold worry about his drinking using all the time? I know I did. I did not cause his drinking

That was the hardest thing for me to let go of in my relationship and the best freedom now that I have. I would have had to do that even if (especially if) I had stayed with him or I would have lost my mind.

My hope and dreams were based on his potential. So much so that I did not see my reality (I was scared all the time).

I used fantasy to try to escape my reality. Dreams of moving, dreams of if something happened to him, dreams of his stopping drinking. Though they helped with short-term escapism they honestly kept me stuck longer. I did not marry someone else, I married my ex.....all my wishing and hoping could not make that different (though it did not make me a bad person either).
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Old 02-14-2014, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
EmmyG-

He might only drink occasionally, but I bet you hold worry about his drinking using all the time? I know I did. I did not cause his drinking

That was the hardest thing for me to let go of in my relationship and the best freedom now that I have. I would have had to do that even if (especially if) I had stayed with him or I would have lost my mind.

My hope and dreams were based on his potential. So much so that I did not see my reality (I was scared all the time).

I used fantasy to try to escape my reality. Dreams of moving, dreams of if something happened to him, dreams of his stopping drinking. Though they helped with short-term escapism they honestly kept me stuck longer. I did not marry someone else, I married my ex.....all my wishing and hoping could not make that different (though it did not make me a bad person either).
You're right on track with everything you said...I am afraid, ALL the time. Every day I think about his drinking and when the next time will be. My sister invited me out with the girls for Valentine's, and I'm thinking, "Is it worth it for me to go? His mom is visiting...maybe if I go he'll just stay home with his mom and the kids....or maybe he'll go out and get drunk?"

It's awful. It's not a normal life. I'm a happy person, I choose to be happy. I laugh a lot, I like to be silly with my boys. We joke around and sing all the time, etc. I like a light-hearted environment and a peaceful home. My family had our struggles growing up, but my house was peaceful.

I just think it should be easier to be happy. It's not easy with him. I'll be having a great day, then he'll walk in and the first thing he does is criticize me. I know it's got zip to do with me. I work hard, I take good care of our kids, I keep our house clean and inviting to come home to. I am in a good mood. I take care of myself. I am supportive. I'm forgiving. I don't know what more I could do to make him happy. I'm tired of him spoiling everything. There is just more I want to do - lots of charity work I want to do, I want to be a foster parent when my kids are older, too. He is just like this grumpy, miserable person who hates himself and makes everyone around him miserable. I just keep looking in the mirror thinking, "Why did I hitch my wagon to this guy?" lol. I do love him. And sometimes he is fun. He can be generous and sweet when he wants to be. When he's at his best, he's charming and funny and magnetic. People gravitate towards him. He's handsome and he's got a cool English accent. But he loathes himself, and I'm afraid he's always going to, and I'm going to end up loathing MYSELF for staying with him, always hoping he's going to change.
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Old 02-14-2014, 10:57 PM
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((Emmy))

We live the same life. I echo all you just said. Tight Hugs.
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Old 02-15-2014, 12:30 AM
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I feel the same but been married 25yrs. Hugs
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