EmmyG

I'm right there at the edge of leaving my husband. So close. The death of Philip Seymour Hoffman is playing on my mind, I read (who knows what's true) that his partner had left him recently because of his using. That's my biggest fear - I leave, and he goes down that path, and my boys lose their father. On the other hand, I know that it wouldn't be my fault...

It's so hard this situation, because most of the time he's not drinking. Weeks will go by, sometimes months, everything is normal...then he starts acting weird and I realize he's under the influence. His mum is visiting from the UK, and we had a birthday party for our 6-year-old last weekend. The party went great, couldn't have gone better. That night, I hear my husband ask her if she wants him to get her a bottle of wine. I'm thinking, "that means HE wants some wine." Sure enough, he gets "her" a bottle and everyone has a glass. I go to bed. The next morning I wake up at 5 AM, and he's still under the influence - he's taken some pills and is acting all weepy. He starts crying and telling his mom and I about how bad he feels for what he's put everyone through. I have no patience for it. Then I hear him vomiting in the bathroom. The next day of course, he says "Let's move on, I'm doing something about it, I promise..." blah, blah, blah. The boys were still asleep and of course missed all of this, as they often do, and think daddy is fine.

I've been working on myself a lot...lost 11 pounds so far, want to lose 20 more. I'm in the last stages of the interview process for my "dream" job. Feeling great. The boys are doing really well, and I've been trying to be the best mommy I can be. I just keep feeling like he's holding me/us back. I feel empathy, but no more patience. I'm just tired of it being all about him emotionally. He's so caught up in his own issues that he has nothing left to give me. I thought I could sacrifice my own needs for the good of my family, but I'm starting to realize how much happier I'd be without him bringing me down. It's not just the drinking, it's the moodiness. He can be a real jerk. He always apologizes after, but sometimes I feel nauseated just looking at him and I'm thinking "you don't deserve a loving wife." I just turned 32, and I know I have a lot of life left to live.

I know it sounds bad, but I keep wondering what my life would have been like if I'd married someone else. There was a guy pursuing me at the time I got serious with my husband...a guy I would have definitely been interested if I'd been single. I googled him the other day and his engagement announcement was in the paper, and he looked super happy, and I thought "I bet he treats her so well, I bet he doesn't drink." And then I thought about all of the people I COULD have married and now look at me. I have two perfect little boys, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. But lately I'm just thinking about what I could be missing out on, as far as emotional fulfillment and a solid marriage with a good man, who I respect. I sadly don't respect my husband, and that doesn't make for a happy life.