Woodman123

Hello again SR friends... many of you already know my story, but I am struggling with an impending decision. My AW (who is currently staying with her mother, as I needed her out of the house and away from me and my son) has rapidly deteriorated yet again into round the clock drinking and physical dependence that has typically preceded the need for detox several times in the past. Suffice to say, she has been less than adherent to the many things that she has needed to do in the past to achieve a meaningful recovery.

At this point I have put the ball in her court- I will not force her, nor make plans, phone calls, etc. to get her into detox/rehab. So last night she expressed her desire to get better and that she needs a 90-day rehab. In many ways, she probably does- the longer she can be forcibly restricted from alcohol access, the better. As many of you know, at least 2 months of that becomes out of pocket (for me- she does not work). I have preached all along that all i want is for her to regain her health and that I would help and support her (though not committing to the continuation of our marriage). So now what? After already spending alot of money on previous failed rehabs and knowing the high likelihood of relapse, am I heartless to say no more? Do I simply say "do your 28 days" (on insurance) and after that you're on your own? Or, am I the ultimate codie if i say i will support her extended treatment?

I realize no one but myself can really answer this question, but as always, i really appreciate the various perspectives that are offered here.

readerbaby71

If she really, really wants to get sober, could she do 28 days and then an outpatient program that's more affordable? I agree with you that you should not make any arrangements or phone calls for her. When my BF went to rehab I stepped back and he did it all on his own which helped him feel empowered.

Good luck to you both. Sending hugs.

hopeful4

How about looking into other types of rehabs that are not so costly. Teen Challenge (yes, they have a woman's program), Salvation Army, etc. As you said, the ball is in her court. Let her tell them she has coverage for 28 days but knows she will need more, can they help. Let her help herself. I personally would not be a slave to paying for more rehab for her. Help is out there if you want it. It may not be the rehab she wants, but that is too bad. I do believe she is correct, she needs AT LEAST 90 days of rehab then sober living. I would not let her back in the house until she has proven over a long period of time that she can stay clean, and I mean a year or more.

These are just my opinions. I realize my emoations are not tied to your situation so it is easier for me to say. However, you have been on this crazy train with her for quite some time, let her recovery become something she has to do for herself. Detox is nothing, she has to understand she is an alcoholic and will have to fight it EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

I hope no matter what she does you take the time to do some things for you and find some peace in your own life.

God Bless.

readerbaby71

That "every day for the rest of her life" stuff is so hard. I have several issues I must work on constantly and it can get tiring. All we can do is keep plugging away, I guess!

hopeful4

I agree it is hard. However, when you go to AA or to CR or other places and see who has stayed clean for so long, it is the ones who keep coming b/c they know if they don't always work on it they will relapse. Addiction is a life long disease. It really really sucks.

Woodman123

She has failed miserably with the IOP plans on multiple occasions. Unfortunately, there is something about her personality that IMHO may doom her forever. It's bizarre, but she somehow thinks she's too smart, too in control, too stubborn to let this disease beat her. So, once she cleans up, her mindset is, "well I'll just come home and go to AA and stuff". The very few times she actually went to the outpatient programs, she claims not to identify with any of the people there- almost as if she's somehow superior... occasionally spewing rhetoric like "well, that's not ME..." So, I have ZERO confidence she can do anything on her own at this point.

But, I guess that's the point, right? I have to let her sink or swim on her own. That's what's so hard for me about not supporting her in an extended care environment- it's like pointing the car towards the cliff, and giving her the keys.

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry. Sounds like deep down she just doesn't want to put in the work. I would not pay for rehab again if I were you. Sending much love and hugs your way.

atalose

My thoughts, if she is serious about rehab then she will find a program immediately regardless of its length. Once there and working with the professionals further treatment can be addressed.

I'm a firm believer in that you can base a persons future behavior on their past behavior. Her history with past rehabs can't be ignored. Her history after coming out of those rehabs can't be ignored. The amount of effort her alone put into her own recovery can't be ignored.

If she wants sobriety bad enough she and she alone will work miracles to make it happen.

My personal feeling is NOW she wants 90 days, well let's see what she does with 28 days first. See what is any different before investing further.

And yes there are programs out there that cost little to nothing. Sobriety doesn't have a price tag it's all about how much they are willing to work to keep it.

hopeful4

That is a personality disorder. Mixed with addiction she will always have a high chance of relapse, those are just the statistics. Even though you have zero confidence she can do it, you know that you cannot do it for her either. So, what's the alternative?

I don't say any of this to hurt your feelings, it is just that I don't see the point in you continuing to pay for her to do a program she will not work. You are correct, it is sink or swim, and it is only her choice.

Mango blast

28 days doesn't seem very long to me. My husband being in rehab flew by and a part of me still believes a longer program may have been better -- not just for the alcoholism, but for all the issues wrapped up with it. While some make a good amount of progress in 28 days, I can see where others may really benefit by a 3, 4 or 5 month IP program. If I had the money to spend on it, I would look at it as money spent on a treatment that may or may not work with no firm expectations. This is handing the patient over to experts to deal with, imo. Yes, ideally they should make those calls and pay those bills. Life isn't ideal. My children and I have other health issues and I know first hand how impossible it is sometimes to get anything done. Greatly improving our health had to come first before we could take care of basic things. Looking at us, you'd never guess anything was wrong. Looks can be deceiving.

If it were my money AND I was just fine with losing it, I'd research several places and give a choice of a couple I felt were both affordable and exceptional with multifaceted treatment plans and track records -- then let her handle the calls. If you find places you believe in, you can look at it as a large donation to their research and practices.

Completely, totally okay with not paying for it also! As has been mentioned, there are other options for her to find on her own. You picking up the tab isn't necessary and could likely be wasted money. I just firmly believe that if you choose to pay for extended treatment, do it with the right values in place and not because you're trying to "save" her. Handing her over to addiction and healthcare professionals, free or otherwise, is okay.

SparkleKitty

I don't know...I feel like if the desire to recover is truly there, she can make real progress without qualifying the length of stay. You have gone above and beyond with patience, hope, energy, and financial support, Woodman. It's time for her to take the bulk of the responsibility for getting better...or not.

fedup3

Years ago I checked out Teen Challenge for my x and at that time it was $1600 initially and then they send you away from your familiar surroundings, they get you a job, constant counceling, you live with others from Teen Challenge for up to a year. The working part is paying for your room and board. Not sure if it's still like this.

Hopeworks

It is. I know other zero to low cost faith based 12 step programs that are excellent... They carefully screen for highly motivated, serious applicants However... Their success rate is impressive

If you want a name pm me

allforcnm

Cant advise on your financial situation, we all have limits. Personally I think there is a huge difference in a 30 day vs a 90 day rehab. For one it allows the mind to clear and I think people are more receptive to learning. Also, I would look at the rehabs she has used in the past; were they all alike, what didn’t work for her. Was it built on evidence based practices, did she get lots of psychotherapy, and learn cognitive behavioral approaches to help her cope when she returned home? We selected a non 12 step rehab for my husband a couple years ago. Not because of the religious aspects but more because we disagree with the philosophy of needing continued work in AA to remain sober. Didn’t find that aspect acceptable or want to incorporate that into our lifestyle. The rehab still incorporated aspects of faith, but it was based on his own religious principles with access to spiritual counseling and church services.

He still uses therapy, and applies the tools he has learned when he hits a rough road or gets stressed and triggered. For an example you might look at St Jude Retreats; we did not use that one, but have a friend who used it for their adult daughter and had good results. They are supposed to work with you financially as it is a non profit. Some of the rehabs like Salvation Army require the person to work their way through to “pay” and the work is also considered part of their therapy. That is good for some people, but again wouldn’t have worked well for my husband because he would have viewed it more as punishment for being sick, than actual medical treatment for his addiction.

Whatever you decide I wish you peace with your decision, and best of luck with recovery.

dandylion

Woodman--I notice that you used the word "detox" in the past. As "detoxification" is not the same thing as "rehabilitation".......I as you this: Has she ever been in a rehabilitation program in the past?

dandylion

Woodman123

yes, my wife has been through 3 separate rehabilitation stays- one 28 day, one 17 day (same facility) and then a nearly 60 day (different) facility. One place was rather large, so alot of big group sessions, and the other very small, so alot of individualized counseling. Both were primary AA/step based, not so much cognitive psychotherapy. I suppose I would be open to other facilities, but it kind of gets back to her "serious, motivation"... she has shown an ability to manipulate- say everything the counselors want to hear, but not truly WORK the program and commit. I'm not sure if a more spiritual-based facility would work better or not. I'm just tired... if I knew saomethign would work, then I'd do it without question, but we never know that. So, then I'm left with past performance as an indicator, and that's pretty dismal. I have one child in college and another will be in 2 years... i'd rather sink my savings into their college accounts, not throw it away again.

Danae

I think some of it depends on your finanical situation. I wouldn't take away money that you might otherwise use for your son's education, for example, to pay for this.

I agree with two things other people have touched on:

1) If she really wants recovery, she can find a way. While a 90 day program might be better, from what you've said she isn't very motivated, and it might be more money down the drain.

2) It may be more than alcoholism. If there is a dual diagnosis even a 90 day program may not do the trick.

If you are really done with this marriage, I don't think you have to stretch yourself thin again and again for her. So sorry you have to deal with this. Glad you are protecting your son though.

hopeful4

I wish we had done better research when my AH went to rehab. He needed a dual diagnosis facility, I just did not realize it at the time. I also believe 28 days is just too little time for any real healing to take place for someone with a serious problem. This is just my opinion, wish I had all the answers for you!

Woodman123

yeah I keep wondering if there isn't something else going on with her behaviors. I will say she's been evaluated by several psychiatrists and obviously alot of abuse counselors and nothing has been identified. BUt this is where she truly is very smart- she can game the system so to speak, so she thinks she should be able to outsmart the disease. ummm, no.

dandylion

Woodman---Hazelden in Minnesota has dual diagnosis services as well as women's programs. They have some sites in other states, now. They also have extensive family and follow up services. If interested, you might interview them on the phone.

I have sent several people there for treatment---and I have personally visited the facility and made myself familiar with their treatment.

dandylion