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I might lose it on my insane mother

Old 11-19-2013, 11:56 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I get it. I really do.
For me, the thing is to stop my own raging when she riles me up.
I must let it flow out, like bad energy, so that I can enjoy something about this day in my life.
So I have to work on not dwelling on it.
Let all the rage out, scream, or write to a fictitious email address, or whatever way you want to that isn't engaging with her...
Then --the important part--how can you stop dwelling to enjoy some part of your day? What can you do to take your mind off this?
That's important to stop hurting yourself by letting this ruin your day.

She does sound borderline indeed. The family dynamics sound familiar!

Mother topics on here get me very riled up.
So I have to go save my day --other thoughts, other actions, happy thoughts or actions, or even just distractions...
save yours!
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:02 PM
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Florence- for sure you're mom has a personality disorder from what you've described!
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Is it "normal" for a mother, whose daughter is going through HEL.L with her estranged AH and who knows that the holidays are coming and surely understands that it has to be a hard time of year for me particularly since we were engaged on xmas, to send this email to me just now?????? I just cut and pasted it but took my actual name out. She uninvited ME for Thanksgiving mind you...

Un-f'ing-real... Thanks mom! THIS is why I hate my family.

Am I insane to be incensed by this??????? I'm steaming mad right now. I want to reply and tell her to drop dead. I can't see straight I am so angry and insulted.

Dear WTBH,

I wanted to discuss Thanksgiving with you. If you would like, I could come pick my granddaughters up from your house and they could spend time here with their uncles and aunt who all love them. Think about it. I would prefer to drive them to and from my home and could bring them back to you when you feel it is time.

Second and please don't get all worked up by this. I suspect you will think it is callous but I am thinking primarily of my granddaughters and I hope you can think of them first too when you hear my idea.

Have you sold your rings yet? You don't need them and from the looks of them I bet they are worth a pretty penny. You should really sell them and make Christmas nice for your daughters.

Just a thought. Let me know about Thanksgiving.

Love, Mom
WTBH - I am so sorry you are not getting support from your family. Not all of my family is supporting me now and when he relapsed and things got out of control I was not getting support from any of them until I made it clear if they couldn't support me I would not talk with them. That and a few times they listened in while he was ranting and they got to hear what was really going on.

I know it's best to say nothing but in your mind, think of telling your mother (and imagine her response) that you were thinking about selling your rings.... to pay for counseling and therapy because you have no family support.
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
The part that I hate the most of this email isn't about me-- it's her reference to "my granddaughters".
This stuck out to me too - the way she worded it reeks of possessiveness & entitlement.

Have you discussed any of this with your siblings to verify that they are indeed "uncofortable" in the way that she is describing, or will it be a waste of time to even bother? I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:08 PM
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The fact is I will sell them. Eventually. I just can't believe my mother would be so callous as to suggest it right now and tell me to do so to give my kids a nice Xmas (yes financially I am struggling and for her to remind me of that is so obnoxious). Emotionally too it's just not something I'm ready to do and she still 25+ yrs later has her engagement ring despite being divorced for 25 yrs. It's so goddamn out of line for her to say anything to me about it or at least to do so in the way she did. Unreal.
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:09 PM
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Dear Lord...what an awful Witch! I am so so sorry!

That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I cannot imagine EVER treating my daughter or anyone else like that, children or grown. And the nerve to tell you to sell your rings?! Wow...just...wow.

I too see the alarm in speaking about your kids as "her granddaughters." I don't think my children would want to go spend a holiday with someone who had uninvited me because my situation might make them "uncomfortable." I also don't think they are her possessions. And if she was so worried you would get upset at the email, why say such crappy things?

I am just so sorry you are going through this. Good for you to not take the bait!
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
The fact is I will sell them. Eventually. I just can't believe my mother would be so callous as to suggest it right now and tell me to do so to give my kids a nice Xmas (yes financially I am struggling and for her to remind me of that is so obnoxious). Emotionally too it's just not something I'm ready to do and she still 25+ yrs later has her engagement ring despite being divorced for 25 yrs. It's so goddamn out of line for her to say anything to me about it or at least to do so in the way she did. Unreal.
Absolutely agree. If she's so concerned about them having a happy holiday why didn't she volunteer to supply some of the gifts herself??
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:09 PM
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I emailed my siblings twice since all the hell went down in sept asking for their support. I've heard nothing from any of them. My last email said I wouldn't bother them anymore but could use family support now more than ever and if they wanted to reach out I could use it. Crickets. So I guess that's my answer.

Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
This stuck out to me too - the way she worded it reeks of possessiveness & entitlement.

Have you discussed any of this with your siblings to verify that they are indeed "uncofortable" in the way that she is describing, or will it be a waste of time to even bother? I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I emailed my siblings twice since all the hell went down in sept asking for their support. I've heard nothing from any of them. My last email said I wouldn't bother them anymore but could use family support now more than ever and if they wanted to reach out I could use it. Crickets. So I guess that's my answer.
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:17 PM
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My mother rules the roost. Sounds like your mom does too. Your siblings are not strong enough to take a stand ever against her.
When our family doesn't provide the support we need, we have to go out and create a new family. Not a biological one obviously.
My older sister moved far away to another state and has done this. On Thanksgiving she has other "transplants" over, and has quite a gathering.
I haven't left my home state, but I'm thinking I could use to fill my house on holidays with an "adopted" family of friends too.
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:19 PM
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Personal question you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I know money issues can turn a family into crap. Have then lent you large amounts of money and having pent up resentments about it? Have other things happened that have turned them against you in some way?

It just seems like there is more to it, but this is so unlike my family that I cannot even imagine it I guess. I am just so sorry and certainly not trying to let them off the hook, just curious how people could act so awful.
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:45 PM
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Nope no one has lent or given money. I've given my mom money and helped support her. There's no money lending from my siblings or my mom to me. If I needed it I wouldn't even ask to be honest....
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:46 PM
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My heartrate got up reading the OP, because it was just like many emails or phone calls I received from my AM in the past. She was the one who would send an obscene amount of gifts to the kids at Christmas, trying to make us look bad. The kids will have a great Christmas this year without her spoilage. We have been emphasizing quality vs. quantity as far as "stuff" is concerned, and are spending time together as a family vice plugging in or playing video games solo. I don't even think they will notice a difference this year.
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:48 PM
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Hopeful- look up how families w a parent w borderline personality function. That's what was eye opening to me about 4 yrs ago and suddenly my experience made sense! Im glad for your sake that this is foreign to you. Sadly it seems so normal for my FOO that I don't know what I would do w a normal family
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Personal question you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I know money issues can turn a family into crap. Have then lent you large amounts of money and having pent up resentments about it? Have other things happened that have turned them against you in some way?

It just seems like there is more to it, but this is so unlike my family that I cannot even imagine it I guess. I am just so sorry and certainly not trying to let them off the hook, just curious how people could act so awful.
You ask the Game Dynamics?

The siblings are aligning with the the bully, so as not be bullied themselves.

If "our" wantabe is made the scapegoat, and they go along, since they are they are then considered allies.

Otherwise they risk the same treatment as wantabe has (and will continue) to experience.
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:54 PM
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Make plans for you and your daughters for Thanksgiving. Make your own family traditions--away from the drama. You don't have to spend holidays with family and it doesn't have to be a stressful time. I avoid my family on holidays. I will not be sucked into their drama.
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Old 11-19-2013, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Nope no one has lent or given money. I've given my mom money and helped support her. There's no money lending from my siblings or my mom to me. If I needed it I wouldn't even ask to be honest....
Then extra wow! You know, this uncalled for behavior is not that unlike that of an addict. All power plays,etc. Stick with what you know, you did not cause it, cannot control it, cannot cure it.

Hugs to you. I am sorry you are going through this. If you want to roadtrip to MO you can have turkey w/us!!!!

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Old 11-19-2013, 01:04 PM
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I already wasn't planning to go to her house for Thanksgiving which may be where part of her anger stems from. Some of my siblings have had enormous fights with their own spouses because there is a sick allegiance to be at my mothers for all holidays but being the scapegoat I have not fallen into that.
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Old 11-19-2013, 01:05 PM
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Psychology today article explaining the BPD and sometimes also NPD mother:

The World of the Borderline Mother--And Her Children | Psychology Today

What we have to always be careful about is to not blame the victim, thinking they did something to bring on the abusive behavior to themselves.

Hammer you nailed the family dynamics with the siblings...
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Old 11-19-2013, 01:06 PM
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I had a long reply typed up, but I lost it, so I'll keep this short:

* The principles I learned here and in therapy for taking care of myself and also coping with an addict's behavior also happen to work quite well for dealing with personality disordered people.

* It still really surprises me when I realize that I am willing and able to put up with crazy behavior far more than a normie would. Even after all this personal work. It makes me question how other people live, and how easy it must be to have relationships by comparison. Is that crazy?
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