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I might lose it on my insane mother

Old 11-19-2013, 01:07 PM
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Hammer hit the nail on the head ha ha (pun intended) describing my family dynamic. The bully is my mom and my sister is her mini me. So my brothers fall into line and align w the bullies lest they be bullied themselves. I feel bad for them all. I may be the one alienated but at least I'm free.
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Old 11-19-2013, 01:17 PM
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Florence I've never met a family without power struggles, odd dysfunctional rules, or what you would call a "normie" family.
Do they really exist?
At the end of the day we have to work with what we've got, or cast it aside...I think the empowerment comes with the recognition of what we each were dealt and then learning the skills for dealing with it.
Married to an A you can surely still be blindsided by a different dysfunctional dynamic...aren't we all...
and all we can do is continue to gain awareness, listen to our real emotions, honor our own boundaries, and gain skills to deal with whomever, whether the dysfunction comes from a family, a boss, or anyone else.
Thing is there is hope. Awareness, understanding, and then skills mean we can always make it better for ourselves.
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Old 11-19-2013, 01:25 PM
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WTBH,

We've talked about this in PM before but as you know your mother is a severe narcissist which is much more than the typical "dysfunctional alcoholic family" - narcissists are incapable of empathy or love. It sucks but it's just the truth of it...what I've done in my therapy is accepted the fact that my mother is this way and will likely never change (most true NPDs - not the ones we just casually label "narcissist" are incapable of change and not interested especially at this level).

It is OK if you decide you don't want to contact her or want to limit contact. I am no contact with my severe NPD mother due to her abuse. I will not be initiating contact anytime soon and multiple therapists have told me this is the right course of action. It's different for everyone - for some limited contact is possible but she will never change so you have to make the contact with that in mind. Do not feel bad about saying no to her or drawing a boundary - when I do have a rare moment of letter contact with my mother I make sure not to emotionally react (that is what she WANTS me to do - narcissists love the game).

Just remember it is HER not YOU and an emotional reaction is what she is looking for - don't feed her disease (just my humble opinion based on my own experiences).

PS - Many others will NOT understand, so don't let someone else tell you you are being "mean" or "not progressed in recovery" - a true NPD is nothing like an alcoholic family with typical dysfunction.
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Old 11-19-2013, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
You ask the Game Dynamics?

The siblings are aligning with the the bully, so as not be bullied themselves.

If "our" wantabe is made the scapegoat, and they go along, since they are they are then considered allies.

Otherwise they risk the same treatment as wantabe has (and will continue) to experience.

Yes this is a typical dance of an NPD parent - great post!
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Old 11-19-2013, 02:46 PM
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I can't even tell you what Mother/Princess has done to me and my siblings. The list is horrific. I can tell you that she despises me to the point of ruin. Why? Because I know her game and I don't play it.

She was closer to my sister and my youngest brother. My sister and she lived together. My sister committed suicide and I KNOW WHY even though she didn't leave a note. Now Princess lives with my youngest brother. He is much more able to deal with Princess as he does not take her shananigans. She worships the ground he walks on but he will tell her she is coo coo.

She called me around Christmas last year... She said, You oughta bring your old man over here and let me show him how to drink! I told her flat out that he would drink you under the table for weeks on end and still get up to go to work. Well, She didn't like that answer and switched gears... she then said, Well bring him over and lemme see if his Johnson gets hard. Fat ugly bitches don't turn him on Mummy. She hung up on me.

I have no room for a vile hood rat in my life and that's exactly what she is to me. I lost the most respect for her when she KNEW my sister was overdosed and she walked away from her to let her die. She would always speak so highly of my sister and to let her die like that... That was it. I asked her why she would do that and she said, She did it before and was fine. So when she cries to people about my sister's death around me, I have no mercy! I tell them she overdosed right in front of her and she did NOTHING! *walks away after stunning people beyond belief*

Yeah... I'm her thorn. Guess I wasn't made in her image... THANK GOD!
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Old 11-19-2013, 03:16 PM
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I think the reason she gave you is baloney.

"And I was uninvited bc she said my GROWN adult siblings aren't comfortable that I am in the midst of a nasty divorce and they don't want me and the negativity bc of the divorce there. "

I think it was HER that feels that way. I had a sister who is dishonest that way. When she wants to say something she thinks I'll take offense at, she always throws her husband under the bus: "Hubby said he doesn't want me to do that." It is in reality she herself who doesn't want to do it.
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Old 11-19-2013, 03:19 PM
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HOw could you have picked anything else, given what your experience has been?

"I sure know how to pick 'em..."

Someone told me once, "We are comfortable with the familiar, even if it is painful."
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Old 11-19-2013, 03:39 PM
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I know this is passive aggressive but I got some enjoyment thinking about it.

perhaps you should make your response look like an "auto generated reply"..

"Your original message to "insert your email address here" has been deemed undeliverable for the following reason:

it's absolute crap"

tee hee...sorry. But come on. How condescending and manipulative can she be? I agree with the other posters....tell her you've already made plans and possibly add if your siblings would like to spend time with your children they are well aware of your phone number and can reach out themselves. Wish them a happy holiday and then set about enjoying yours.... guilt free....She is obviously trying to get a rise out of you...the whole email stinks. But nothing changes if nothing changes. Be the change.
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Old 11-19-2013, 04:07 PM
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What a bitch!
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Old 11-19-2013, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Oh I don't tell her! She contacts the school and gets the info herself.

Yep - this is what NPD mothers do! Mine hired a private investigator to find out what I had been doing since I have gone NC with her. She found out without anyone telling her (she lives thousands and thousands of miles away and does not have my XAH's number or his family's nor does she know my friends here) that I am legally separated and I moved. She also found out my x-mother in law passed whom she didn't even know or have any contact with direct or indirect. She wrote me a letter (that forwarded to my new address) letting me know she KNEW of my failed marriage (which she expected) and my move and wanted my new address...guess the PI hadn't found that yet (actually I'm pretty sure she does have that too - she tends to try to cover her tracks by being passive aggressive -so she asked for my address I suspect she already had - main reason I suspect is now my trash is getting stolen each week). And my XAH got a $20 bill and a sympathy card saying she sent only $20 because no one had bothered to tell her about the death or the memorial fund (umm yeah there is a reason for that!).

My whole childhood was like this...so she hired a PI to prove how horrible I am and get info about me she thinks she has a "right" to.

I didn't respond to her....the one thing my XAH was really good about was loyalty regarding her - not once did he give her info on me and believe me she tried - he told me every time.

(Oh my favorite is she contacts my high school friends and has them contact me on facebook or write me to get info on me for her. She tells them I have "issues" and they think they are helping her out!!!).

My mother will NEVER change because in her mind I am her possession she has a right to in any way she wants and in her mind I have failed at being her mini me.

NPD mothers are insidious. I think I told you about that book right? On how to move past them and let go but still protect yourself.

You might be able to tell the school that they do NOT have permission to give her information....not sure how that works.
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Old 11-19-2013, 04:42 PM
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I am so sorry your mom is so cruel. My best friend's mother is very similar. Ignore her and if your siblings don't want to discuss it &^%$ them too. Make plans with your kids and enjoy the holidays. You don't have to put up with being treated this way, and you sure as hell are not obligated to expose your children to this behavior.

HUGS to you. I know it must hurt. I would be incredibly angry too.
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Old 11-19-2013, 04:52 PM
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I am sorry too.....but like Hammer, I couldn't stop laughing. I am sure it hurts you right now but someday I hope you can step back and find the humor in it all.

Families aren't always what we wish they, huh? Trust me, I get it. Some times I laugh, sometimes I rage, and sometimes I cry.......but mostly I stay away from those who hate to see me getting healthy and enforcing my own boundaries.

Just recently I was told that I wasn't fun any more. Uhm, ok....please describe fun.....getting drunk?? Ok, I am not fun any more. Oh well!!
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Old 11-19-2013, 04:52 PM
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This woman is toxic and a sadist. If you have the means, stay away from her and keep you daughters clear of her too unless you are supervising. That is abusive and disgusting that anyone would treat another person that way, esp their daughter going through what you are going through. So sorry you have to endure this. I have a toxic family too and it is horrible this time of year. Prayers to you and your kids.
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:02 PM
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I just want to add what that email stinks of.
Manipulation.
Demeaning.
Entitlement.
That email reeked of those things.
In the predator vs prey world, she's after you.
And she wants to take you down, as low as she can, while building herself up in whatever twisted image she has of herself as a "wonderful" grandmother and mother.
She's made you her mark.
I'd avoid her like the plague, and I'd pass along that caution to my kids.
She has no right to them, although I'm sure she has already googled grandparent's rights, as some states will dole them out.
But without honest love, she will get nowhere, not with you, not with them.
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:29 PM
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I want to and will reply to you all bc you have given me suck strength and hope today and I feel a million times better because you're all amazing loving people who are more family to me than my own is.

I'm headed to bed to read w my girls and probably will fall asleep with them bc I'm bone tired but wanted to quickly come here and thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making sense of the madness that my "mother" sent me today.

I think I need to talk more about her crazy antics like I have learned to do about Xahs. It takes away her power to make me think it's me when I don't keep it to myself.

I almost didn't post about her insane email and I am so glad I did.

Thank you all so so very much.

Ill be back to reply properly tomorrow.
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by lizwig View Post
I know this is passive aggressive but I got some enjoyment thinking about it.

perhaps you should make your response look like an "auto generated reply"..

"Your original message to "insert your email address here" has been deemed undeliverable for the following reason:

it's absolute crap"

Oh, I can't thank you enough for the laugh!!!! I quite literally laughed out loud & I needed that.
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Old 11-19-2013, 06:24 PM
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My mom also has BPD (and is a drug addict). I went NC with her for several years. I am actually back on limited contact with her. I will talk to her on the phone, but I don't put up with BS.

It is really important to have boundaries with people with BPD. They will keep testing your boundaries, so you have to stick with them. It got to the point where I would no longer respond to mean emails and I would not call her back if she left nasty voice mails. I also started hanging up on her when she got mean. She has actually improved a bit over the last couple of years. I think she got the message.

Another thing people with BPD do is splitting. They will say things/do things to set one person against another. It sounds like she is doing that with you and your siblings. I wouldn't trust her when she says that your siblings said this or said that. She is creating drama so that she can be in control.

Also, people with BPD see things in black and white. So right now, she may see you as the "bad one." Other siblings may be the "good ones." She may switch the roles at other times. Don't take it personally!!! It took me years to realize that it was my mom's mental illness talking, and it was nothing that I had done.

If you have not done so already, I suggest you read the book, Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship.
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Old 11-19-2013, 06:28 PM
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I have a NPD in the family, my mom, and it is a curse. Probably componants of BPD too. It's a nightmare and it's constant. The twistedness has no boundaries. I am praying for those of us who have to deal with this. It's really bad. I'm trying to find a sense of humor about it, but I don't seem to be able to right now. Thanks for sharing. I'm not alone with this.
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Old 11-19-2013, 06:43 PM
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Wow I'm so sorry to see that you experience the exact same frustration I do with my mom. I honestly had no idea there were so many people out there that could relate!

Is NPD narcissistic personality disorder? That's my mom, and I was/am the scapegoat of the family. She's also the main A of the family.

It boils my blood to read her email to you. I feel your pain acutely!

Once my mom "accidentally" included me on an email thread between her and my sisters, and she was expressing her "fear" about my younger sister coming to visit me. It was just weeks after my father had passed away and she had already told me to "get over it" when I called for emotional support. Then this email expressed that she couldn't "even imagine what would happen if (I) got angry," expressing that she couldn't allow my sister to risk being around me in my state, as I might hurt her. Ahem.... I'm not the one in the family that flies into a rage and hurts people. She "accidentally" let me see all of them talking behind my back during one of the most painful times in my life.
And no, no one came to visit, and no one was there for me. Then, my husband left me because he didn't like how I was acting. My family (mother especially) left me to simmer, and only started speaking to me when things were "better" for me, when I wasn't going to make things "difficult" for them.

So, screw those jerks you are related to!! They should be welcoming you home with open arms and taking care of you. Not treating you like this.

What can you do to distance yourself? Jeez - can you move??
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Old 11-19-2013, 06:46 PM
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P.S. even with all of the physical abuse my mom doled out it is impossible for me to get a restraining order, even though she stalks me on the internet and I've had to change my information several times. She lives in a different state.

Can you speak to a social worker? Get this monster away from you and your family?
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