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I might lose it on my insane mother

Old 11-19-2013, 10:15 AM
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I might lose it on my insane mother

Is it "normal" for a mother, whose daughter is going through HEL.L with her estranged AH and who knows that the holidays are coming and surely understands that it has to be a hard time of year for me particularly since we were engaged on xmas, to send this email to me just now?????? I just cut and pasted it but took my actual name out. She uninvited ME for Thanksgiving mind you...

Un-f'ing-real... Thanks mom! THIS is why I hate my family.

Am I insane to be incensed by this??????? I'm steaming mad right now. I want to reply and tell her to drop dead. I can't see straight I am so angry and insulted.

Dear WTBH,

I wanted to discuss Thanksgiving with you. If you would like, I could come pick my granddaughters up from your house and they could spend time here with their uncles and aunt who all love them. Think about it. I would prefer to drive them to and from my home and could bring them back to you when you feel it is time.

Second and please don't get all worked up by this. I suspect you will think it is callous but I am thinking primarily of my granddaughters and I hope you can think of them first too when you hear my idea.

Have you sold your rings yet? You don't need them and from the looks of them I bet they are worth a pretty penny. You should really sell them and make Christmas nice for your daughters.

Just a thought. Let me know about Thanksgiving.

Love, Mom
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:21 AM
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Your post very much reminds me of why I rarely have contact with my family.
I would very much inform her that the grand daughters will not be visiting without their parents.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:22 AM
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I am sorry but, I almost spit out my wonderful minestrone soup on my keyboard laughing when I read that.

THAT has to be THE BEST HAPPY CRAPPY FAMILY HOLIDAY Letter . . . . EVER!

Good Gordy -- THAT one is funny.

I vote you for Crappiest Family Award today.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:24 AM
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Nasty!

Ignore her. That's what I would do. I wouldn't answer her at all.

I can see that someone who uninvites you, but wants your daughters there, is really up to no good at all.

Then asks about selling the rings. As if it is her business. Then tells you why to sell the rings, and what to use the money for. Sick.

My mother just called. I let it go to voicemail as always. Took me half an hour to listen to the message. My heartbeat was up. Finally listened. Sound of her voice makes me ill, even if the message was nothing important. I could hear the strain in her voice from her end. She's not comfortable either.

Your mother is very controlling. Best way for her to lose control at this time would be silence from you. She can't control if you won't engage. I've noticed these types really hate to be ignored.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:25 AM
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Honestly, it doesn't sound like you want to be around her either, remember to breathe, breathe, breathe.

And remember you do not have to respond to her email.

Personally, I do not believe this warrants a response. If she chooses to exclude you, sad as it is, so be it.

I would start making a plan for my children and myself to have a delightful holiday weekend, far and away from her insensitivity, and all the bullsh*t and drama that some people seem to thrive on, especially around the holidays.

You can get through this, perhaps it's time to start some new holiday traditions for you and your kids. ((((hugs)))
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:25 AM
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My mother has been pretty obnoxious in the past but this just takes the cake.

I live in the same goddamn town as her, she shows up at all my kids events and she HAS at times been VERY helpful (which she seems to believe gives her the right to run my life and has tantrums essentially when she isn't allowed to-- she has borderline personality disorder by the way)...

If I hit reply to her now I will say things I regret but I want to tell her off like I have NEVER done before...

WTF makes her think she can send a letter like this??????

Arghhhh!!!!!
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
My mother has been pretty obnoxious in the past but this just takes the cake.

I live in the same goddamn town as her, she shows up at all my kids events and she HAS at times been VERY helpful (which she seems to believe gives her the right to run my life and has tantrums essentially when she isn't allowed to-- she has borderline personality disorder by the way)...

If I hit reply to her now I will say things I regret but I want to tell her off like I have NEVER done before...

WTF makes her think she can send a letter like this??????

Arghhhh!!!!!
Stop telling her when the events are. Right after the events, take your kids and leave.
She is malicious.
Write a reply to the letter. Write it to an email address similar, but not exact. Write everything that comes into your head. Hit send.
It will feel almost like doing it.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:27 AM
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Can we do a Best Response Letter contest on this one?

==========

Oh gee, thanks so much, mom.

We already have a Big Bologna sandwich Thanksgiving meal planned.

But it means so much for you to be thinking of the kids, the way you do.

Give our best to everyone,

XXXXXXX
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:29 AM
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I do not want to be around her, you're right.... And I was uninvited bc she said my GROWN adult siblings aren't comfortable that I am in the midst of a nasty divorce and they don't want me and the negativity bc of the divorce there. Nice huh?

That's why I was uninvited.

To suggest that my kids would go with her to her house (she thinks my kids are objects for her to mold into her own likeness -- she was a HORRID mother to my siblings and I guess she sees my kids as her second chance?) is insane. She doesn't respect that I am their mother and a damn good one (that was obvious probably huh?)

Wow, my bloodpressure is usually very very low and I am glad for that bc it gives me room for it to be through the roof as it is right now.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:29 AM
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Seriously, this could have been written by my mother. I have emails like this in my inbox right now. Here's where my time at SR has been a blessing and allowed me to detach more from this kind of crazy.

*IF* you decided to respond, I would say,

Mom,

Since you decided we would not do Thanksgiving together, we made other plans.

Thanks for your consideration,

WTBH
Don't respond about the rings, don't take the bait. She sounds like a sabotaging, controlling person. I'm familiar.

xx
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:29 AM
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Wow.

Boundries are a beautiful thing.

ACA has saved my sanity. Maybe it could help you too?

Another "wow" to that email!
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:30 AM
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Oh I don't tell her! She contacts the school and gets the info herself. She hasn't done anything restraining order worthy so I can't ban her and I tolerate her appearing at stuff but after this I can't say I will keep my mouth shut at gymnastics this week. WOW!

Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 View Post
Stop telling her when the events are. Right after the events, take your kids and leave.
She is malicious.
Write a reply to the letter. Write it to an email address similar, but not exact. Write everything that comes into your head. Hit send.
It will feel almost like doing it.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:32 AM
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I do not want to be around her, you're right.... And I was uninvited bc she said my GROWN adult siblings aren't comfortable that I am in the midst of a nasty divorce and they don't want me and the negativity bc of the divorce there. Nice huh?

That's why I was uninvited.
And for what it's worth, my choices (keeping my unplanned pregnancy as a teenager, choosing to be a single mother, then later, getting divorced from my STBXAH in a family that "doesn't do divorce") makes my family uncomfortable too. But I've been realizing that more than anything, it makes my MOTHER uncomfortable, but she projects her feelings on others and tells me it's my sisters' discomfort about me and my life that is so toxic to the family.

After refusing to let her triangulate, I spoke with my sisters and the story was not as my mom told it to me. One sister completely buys my mother's version (I was a terrible daughter) and the other thinks my mom is controlling and sabotaging. I suspect this issue of "discomfort" is not as pat as she says it is.

I still have contact with my mom and I'm not terribly hurt by this stuff anymore. It is what it is. My parents failed me in MAJOR ways over the course of my life. My mom undercuts me, keeps secrets, triangulates, and controls. But I'm an adult now and I get to choose how much or how little to interact with her. I don't fight her anymore if I can help it, but I don't kowtow to her fantasy either. If she dislikes it, that's her business.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:33 AM
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I won't be responding at all. That will make her crazier than anything I could say.

She's like xAH. No response makes them mental.

I did NOT see this coming and its been a while since she's been so insulting so I just got blindsided I guess....

Damn, when I wrote earlier that I was feeling sad and dreading holidays I should have been grateful that I wasn't dealing with mom nutty behavior. Now my sadness is in perspective...

Maybe I should take the bait for fun and tell her my rings were cubic zirconia and they're worth nothing....

Originally Posted by Florence View Post
Seriously, this could have been written by my mother. I have emails like this in my inbox right now. Here's where my time at SR has been a blessing and allowed me to detach more from this kind of crazy.

*IF* you decided to respond, I would say,



Don't respond about the rings, don't take the bait. She sounds like a sabotaging, controlling person. I'm familiar.

xx
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:34 AM
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My dry alcoholic minister mother came down to my bible-thumping sister's house and they had a week together. Didn't call me or my heathen brother.
So I understand the feeling of 'uninvite'.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:39 AM
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The "discomfort" nonsense is just insane to me.... If a family is "uncomfortable" when one member is having a hard time then that's not a family I want to be a part of...

I have a brother who cheated on his wife, then married the woman he cheated with. Was anyone uncomfortable with that? Nope.

But my xAH abuses me, our kids and I divorce him and they are uncomfortable?????

I think it's a lot bigger. My mother has BPD, her WHOLE identity for 25 yrs has been telling tales of how horrible my father was to leave her, how she raised us all alone etc... (not true-- he left her bc she was nuts after staying as long as he could and she then alienated my younger brothers from him with crazy accusations that were all disproven but not until years had passed and she succeeded in ruining their relationships with him). I think that she sees me as a threat to her role as victim. I don't want to be a victim and I have a full life apart from AH and our divorce... I think though that my mother can not STAND the idea anyone might ask how I am or care how I am since unlike her I actually was victimized in my marriage and didn't have to create a story to elicit fake sympathy....

So, I doubt my siblings are uncomfortable BUT I do know they are all sick and enmeshed to varying degrees with mommy dearest and would rather maintain the idea of a close family with her at the helm than be cast aside like me... So they go along with the "WTBH is bad" story line bc it keeps them in the fold...

Their loss....

Originally Posted by Florence View Post
And for what it's worth, my choices (keeping my unplanned pregnancy, choosing to be a single mother, then later, getting divorced from my STBXAH) makes my family unconfortable too. But I've been realizing that more than anything, it makes my MOTHER uncomfortable, and she spreads the wealth and tells me it's my sisters' discomfort that is so toxic to the family. After refusing to let her triangulate, I spoke with my sisters and the story was not as my mom told it to me. One sister completely buys my mother's version (I was a terrible daughter) and the other thinks my mom is controlling and sabotaging. I suspect this issue of "discomfort" is not as pat as she says it is.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:42 AM
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Whenever one person "outs" a family's dysfunction, by not playing by the unspoken rules, everyone else rebels against that person. They must protect the sickness.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:45 AM
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I've been that person in my "family" since I was a kid so I've been ousted forever...

And I am that person in xAH's family too so they hate me too.

I sure know how to pick 'em...



Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 View Post
Whenever one person "outs" a family's dysfunction, by not playing by the unspoken rules, everyone else rebels against that person. They must protect the sickness.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:48 AM
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The part that I hate the most of this email isn't about me-- it's her reference to "my granddaughters".

To her my siblings and I were all objects to use. My sister was her mirror and my sister tried to become what my mother wanted her to be. I could not play the game so well so I was all that my mother hated in herself and that was projected on to me. And my brothers were made into her care takers after she destroyed my father and alienated him from my brothers...

And now she refers to my daughters not by their names or as my daughters but as "my granddaughters" like they are possessions to her...

Maybe I am reading too much into it but I don't think I am....

She is a sick woman who I really ought to pity-- I'm just too pissed off to pity her right now..
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:55 AM
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The part that I hate the most of this email isn't about me-- it's her reference to "my granddaughters".

Maybe I am reading too much into it but I don't think I am....
Nope, this was a tactic used by my XNPD. "My son," "my girlfriend," "my wife." They didn't exist except in relation to him. This really strikes me as a narcissistic (or other personality disordered) thing.

My therapist asked me whether my mom had any personality disorders and I waved her off, but now I wonder.
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