Jd77

I feel like I could have written this. This is my life exactly! When I met him he was three years sober, had a great job, owned a home, loved to have fun, seemed excited about life and its prospects. This is him now: no job, no house, no medical insurance, an arrest for crack possession, 4duis, no license for five years, one failed attempt at rehab, kicked out of a sober living house, brought his mother, father, and myself to tears-more than once, lost respect of many, many people, lied, lived a double life, broken promises... And I love this man???? Seriously?? I have him a second chance ten months ago and believed in him. Everything was going great, then another arrest? In a million years I would have never believed he was capable of this and that I would tolerate this even once but TWICE in the time we've been together? And I'm thinking that things could possible be different some day? Really??? If a genie would have told me that I would someday be dating a man like this I would've laughed. Loudly!!! Yeah, right. He has brought me so much pain, worry, lost sleep, and so on. He's had honestly brought me the best of times in many ways and the worst times I've ever experienced. He has exhausted me emotionally and I've become this shell of myself. I wanted it to be my turn to have a life partner but why would I want that from him if I know I couldn't trust him? And I keep thinking our situation could be different someday, somehow? Yeah, right. I'm different and I can compete with alcoholism???? Lol. How did I start thinking like this? Why didn't I run the first time I went through this instead of giving him another ten months of my life?

Jenibean87

*hugs*

I should have ran when he broke my arm. I should have ran after any of the duis or the FUI. I should have left after 3 failed rehabs, after the cheating (while I was in in a treatment center for my eating disorder). I should have left after the affair. After the ruined holidays with families. After i watched his dad give him mouth-to-mouth to save his life. After he kicked me out of the house. After spending my days cleaning up vomit and searching for bottles became te norm. After he went to jail for 4 months. If anyone would have said this is the relationship I would be in 5 years ago, I would have laughed too. Not me! Reality check. Things ARE THIS BAD.

Things were and could have been wonderful. But that's not how it happened. Today, I am in love with a fantasy. And too scare to leave "in case" it turns out. Or too scared to start over. Or maybe I don't believe I can do better?

Sigh. I don't know... It takes as long as it takes. Hopefully, you and I will choose to stop waiting for things to turn around so we can have our happy ending and CHOOSE to find it for real on our own terms.

Good luck. These forums are a godsend. Keep positing, I know I will.

Jd77

So I woke up this morning to a voicemail from him. It was so good/bad to hear his voice. He would like me to come and visit him but understands if I can't. He said that he knows he screw up badly and he won't try to make me feel bad for leaving him. He knows he can't give me what I want right now and he wants me to have what I deserve. I just don't know what to think about all of this. I just wish this never happened. I'm so sad

Tuffgirl

We all wish our lousy life events hadn't happened. But they did, and here you are.

Listen to him. He knows this. Respect him and don't try to decide for him that he can do better. Take what he offers and determine if it is enough for you. If not, let him go. If it is, then work on you to handle the many more trials he will go through before he turns this around.

The good news is he knows how to be sober. The bad news is he is having a hard time staying that way.

BlueSkies1

1)What do you think his motivation is for wanting you to come see him since he can't give you what you deserve?

2)Do you think you will cave if you visit him and be pulled back in and settle for less than what you deserve?

I would ask myself those two questions in deciding whether to visit him.

Jd77

He called me this morning. I talked to him for five minutes. He sounds like he's doing great. I don't know if this is just a front he's putting up or what. He almost seems excited to be starting over with what he calls, "a clean slate". He has this confidence that everything is going to be fine in his life. Personally, I think he has a lot of struggles to get through before his life is fine. I honestly didn't feel all weird and upset when I talked to him. It was kind of like I was talking to a friend or something. It's almost like he's someone else now. The person I loved wouldn't do this to me. It feels weird to be thinking this way. I really thought when we finally talked that I would emotionally have a melt down. What is happening here?

Tuffgirl

I think what is happening is a natural detachment from him already. So his words, although great and seemingly sincere, didn't register as much as you expected.

Be careful with this kind of thinking. This is your perception of how people behave when they love another. His has his own, and it may not be the same as yours.

Jd77

I went to a meeting tonight and I'm feeling a bit better. The support there was great. The support on SR is even better. I just got home and I'm alone. This is when the anxiety sets in. I don't know where this fear of being alone came from. I just really don't want to go down the depression road again. I've been there and wanted to die. What's the secret all the happy people around me have?

HealingWillCome

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I've been there.

What helped you get out of that place last time? Have you done any work with a therapist to help figure out where your fear of loneliness is coming from? Do you have a support network there? I'm sorry...I don't know your full story...just read this post and wanted you to know that you're not alone here.

What can you do right now, for YOU, that is fun? What will make you smile, take your mind off of the loneliness?

Jd77

Weirdly enough, he was the one who helped me through it last time. I believed in him. He promised me everything. This time we really aren't talking much. I just can let him be the one to make me feel better this time. I am going to therapy and working on some of my issues but its a constant struggle to stay ahead of my anxiety and to live for today. All of this is a long, long process that seems like it will never end. I am doing the right (healthy) things this time though. Last time I stopped eating, stopped exercising, couldn't work, slept all day. Right now I am trying hard to avoid doing that to myself again.

HealingWillCome

There's nothing weird about that, and I suspected it was him who helped you. That's how it was for me. My depression would magically disappear when he was there--the high of being in love, feeling loved, would make everything okay. It was a false sense of healing though. It wasn't until I learned (like really truly 100% accepted and got it) that I was responsible for my happiness and not him, that I was able to genuinely heal. Hang in there with your therapy. You mentioned that you didn't know where your fear of being alone came from. That's sounds like a great therapy topic to me. Persevere and take care of you! Heart, mind, body, and soul, care for yourself. Hang in there.

Ruby2

Okay. My only response is to read through the entirety of the "Quack" and "Normies don't" threads to find out what life with this guy will be like if you stay with him. You may have been with him for three years. Don't waste another three minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years with him. They all tell you that they love you - unceasingly will they tell you they love you. Every time something bad happens they tell you they love you. My husband told me he loved me, that I would never have anyone like him, that no one ever treated me this good, while he was taking my ATM card and draining my checking account of my entire paycheck and not ever coming home. Pacing the floors while pregnant with both our kids while he was out getting wasted. If you aren't married and don't have kids, think very, very, very, very hard about staying here.

Jd77

I feel like I've spent years being happy by/with myself and I was ready for the next step in my life. I just can believe that I've turned into this type of person. It is shocking to me that the strength I thought I had isn't there.

dandylion

Jd77, it sounds to me like you may be struggling with the grief of a breakup. It is real grief, and it hurts like Hel*!! There is no way to avoid the short-term pain--for long term gain. (there are ways to get through it, though). If you don't fight it too hard, the grief will eventually pass. Living with active addictions--the pain goes on, and on, and on.....

You have much more strength than you are aware of. We never know how much courage we really have until it is the only option. You had it once....it is simply lying dormant, right now!

You are doing the right things.....I say, just keep on doing them...I think you are doing better than you think you are. You need to put your faith in yourself.

You will get through this. Believe it.

dandylion

Jd77

Thanks, dandylion. I think I needed to hear that.

Jd77

I've been pretty depressed all day. I look at other people's threads on here and realize how much worse thing could be. My problems are small compared to what other people are dealing with. I feel stupid for making such a bit deal out of this but I'm really struggling with this. I want what's best for my future. I feel like the depressed feelings make me want to run for the comfort of him and forget about later. I know I can't though. It's not good for me but this is really hard.

NeedSomeHappy

Try not to compare other people's experiences to your own...you are not stupid in any way, shape, or form. It takes courage to endure what you have, and even more courage to share it with others. Try not to minimize yourself and your perceptions/feelings so much. They are yours and they are important!

spiderqueen

Love this, Allavita. I'm gonna start saying "granddaddy of monster problems" to myself, too, when I start feeling like I should have known better, I should have seen it coming, I should be doing better, I shouldn't have thought I could help, and other persistent, negative self-talk.

I was feeling pretty emotionally paralyzed yesterday, out of the blue - the beautiful fall weather made me extra sad because I can't share it (or anything) with my XA. So I FORCED myself to hike into the hills, and breathe in the colors, and smile at the other folks out enjoying the day - and pretty soon, it didn't feel forced. I was really just... happy and content.

Please take to heart everything offered to you here, jd77. These folks really "get it". And so do I. ((((hugs)))))

Jd77

So I spent the weekend with my frien from out of town. It was so good to see her. I actually ran in a race this morning and she cheered me on. I felt like myself for the first time in a long time. I'm home now and I'm feeling sooo depressed. I had such a good weekend but no it's back to reality and right now I hate reality. I want to tell my abf about the race. He's been my cheerleader at all of my races for the past couple of years. Things just feel so wrong right now. I don't want to go through this any more. These feelings are terrible. I'm also getting angry because I feel like I'm the one suffering for all of his mistakes. He's in rehab where he gets therapy and is surrounded by people all the time. He doesn't experience the loneliness like I do. I want him to hurt like I'm hurting. I hate what he's done. I hate that I feel like my whole world as I know it has ended. I hate this. I just want to feel some comfort right now.

lillamy

You're not alone. But I know that feeling. When my AH went to rehab I was living in hiding with out kids. He had therapists and groups listening to him and I had? Three scared and confused kids trying to understand why their dad had just threatened to kill them.

Al-Anon has provided me with a list of people I can call at any odd hour and they will answer and talk to me when I feel lonely.

I don't call my "normal" friends when I'm struggling with stuff relating to AXH -I don't want to wear them out. My Alanannies have heard it all.

I haven't read through the entire thread but have you found any support for yourself other than here at SR? Alanon? Therapist? Support group in real life?