peridotbleu

Tuffgirl hit the nail on the head - my counselor said the same thing to me..."when you start looking at things differently, then things start to look different". Nothing changes if nothing changes - start making small changes in the way you look at things and the way you react to things.
Running is a great mind clearer. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders...you will figure it out. Keep reading and researching! Glad you are here, you are definitely in the right place!

Jd77

So I had a pretty good day. I went to a Fall Fest with a friend. I felt like myself today but now I just got home and I'm alone with my thoughts. This is when I start to feel terrible. I know if I was able to call him this is when I would because it would (temporarily) make me feel good. I feel weak knowing that I'm only not talking to him because I can't for a few weeks. I hate my mind and my thoughts right now. Hate them! I was good all day and now that I'm alone I'm a wreck and missing him so badly. I know he's not good for me. I know this. Why are my thoughts being so stupid? I don't want to be alone forever and I don't want my mind to think stupid thoughts like this but it does. It's like I'm two different people- the rational me and this pathetic sad one.

SparkleKitty

JD, I have been where you are, and I have great empathy for how terrible it feels. Surround yourself with healthy friends and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Sounds like you are dong both of those this
Ngs already, but I know either helps at times like now, when you are alone with your thoughts.

Why not write a letter? Get it all out. You never have to send it. When I was alone and hurting I wrote pages and pages, sometimes writing into the night until I could not even keep my eyes open anymore. Many months later I went back and read that stuff and was happy to say that even though I was just beginning my lifelong journey of recovery, I still didn't recognize all that pain that was in the words. I had moved on, and it felt good to look back and see how far I had come.

Jd77

Writing a letter might be a good idea? Any more ideas? I am going to try alanon again. I didn't love it last time but I'm going to give it another chance.

Jd77

So I got a phone call from his mom saying that they actually have visiting hours on Sundays and did I want to go? I really wanted to- badly, but I said no. I feel like he's going to be crushed that I'm not there. Should I be supporting him at least as a friend? Am I being selfish now?

AnvilheadII

stop thinking you can feel his feelings for him. thinking he will be "crushed" and therefore that gives you license to go so you can FIX how he feels. and therefore fix how you feel.

your job is to figure out where YOU end and the rest of the world begins. think of a hula hoop around you, whatever is inside the hula hoop is YOURS, whatever is outside the hula hoop is NOT. your hula hoop can be any color or design you like - one gal here took to thinking of herself like Scarlett O-Hara from Gone With the Wind, in one of those gorgeous hoopskirts.

he can't fix you. you can fix you. start by dropping the negative self talk, using words like stupid, weak and pathetic. if we say it, we believe it.

Tuffgirl

I spent a lot of time in therapy and the rooms of Al-Anon. I didn't even think of dating for the first year after the divorce. I also knew I needed to make some BIG changes myself - in my own life and relationship perspectives - before I could be ready for another try at a relationship. So I took the time to heal and grow, and can now look back and say I am glad for the opportunity, even though it was painful to go through at the time. I like who I am now, and have accepted a lot of things about myself that hopefully will make choosing the right man this time around that much easier!

I read tons of books and articles on human behavior, relationship skills, emotional availability, etc. Lots on addictions to put this failed marriage into a healthy perspective. And shared my experiences here on SR. In my "real life", I put a lot of energy into my career, which had suffered a bit through the chaos of alcoholism. I spent time with my daughters. I volunteered. Got back into my sports that I loved and gave up during the chaos. Lost some weight, bought new clothes, and changed my hairstyle. I did things I wanted to do that made me feel good inside. I used this "failure" as an opportunity to have a "success" instead. A life do-over. I became the woman I wanted to grow up to be...one I am proud of at the end of each day.

Dating is...well...let me just say you need to work on that self confidence first!!! Because if you are smart and aware of your patterns, you will find yourself drifting toward the same-old same-old and I know I went on some dates with obvious alcoholics. Saying "no thank you" still gets to me - the codie in me doesn't want to "hurt" anyone. But it gets easier to be up front and honest when I meet someone who I know is bad news. And to do it with grace and dignity.

But its also fun! I look at it as practice...each time I go out on a date, I get better at seeing red flags, reading between the lines, trusting my intuition, and honing my needs and wants in a man. Practice makes perfect, right?

Bottom line - I always made a point to have a lot of gratitude regardless of how crappy I was feeling. I wouldn't allow myself to have a negative perspective...and some days that was just work. Some days I actually just went to bed saying "ok, tomorrow is a new day...I'll do better!"

And lastly, I missed the ex at first, until I finally reached the point of acceptance that I was missing a fantasy. And as painful as it was to admit, once I could see I was missing my own hopes and dreams and not the reality of it, I was able to let the guy go, with love, and hope that he finds what he is looking for in this life, with confidence that it wasn't ME he was looking for, and that's ok.

And P.S. I went NO CONTACT. I realize now that is the only way to let someone go and allow ourselves to heal. If you want to let this go, don't contact him anymore. And for what it is worth - its a kindness to them, too.

Jd77

Wow. I love the support and honesty on here. I want what you have, Tuffgirl. I want the strength I see in all of the other people on this site. I'm trying to be more positive. This is so hard, though. I keep feeling weak. Baby steps, I guess. Part of me just wants to skip ahead to a couple of years from now and see where this all ends up...

Tuffgirl

I did too - wanted what Anvil, LaTeeDa, Seren, DesertEyes, etc...had. So I got to know them, and did what they did. And wow - it works! Stick around here, and find your "mentors" in real life. Follow their lead. Ask for help and understanding. Don't hesitate to reach out to others whose lives you admire. They didn't wake up that way, ya know!

Baby steps is right. Change is hard. But it can be done, if you want it bad enough. I wanted it bad enough - for this failure of mine to be a success - so I stuck to it and pulled myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and marched on, always in the right direction, though! And when I got off that path, my kind mentors would bring me back around.

But here's the thing. Feeling weak about what? How you feel about him? If its that - then you are not done. That means you need to see it through. When you are done, you'll know it, without a doubt. If you don't know that yet - go find out. Visit him in rehab. Watch his actions (ignore his words, really!!!) See what he does next. Give yourself a time frame (example: I'll give him 6 months to see if he can turn this around and find solid recovery). And while you are doing that - work on yourself too. SO when you are ready to end it for good, you'll be fully prepared and it won't feel so horrid.

Jd77

This is so exhausting! My thoughts go back and forth. I'm taking in everything from all I'm hearing. I'm hoping to make good choices but I'm not sure what those choices are yet.

dandylion

Jd77--why not work on it a day at a time? As you work on yourself, things will begin to clarify. Like Tuffgirl said.

dandylion

Jd77

It's so hard to do the "one day at a time" thing because I am such a planner. I realize that's the best way though.

dandylion

Ahaaaa! Planning, in life, is o.k. Here's the sticky wicket---if planning is so rigid that it robs us of the ability to live in the moment (which is what one day at a time is (IMHO), then it becomes counter-productive for us. Is it possible that you have the tendency to be controlling? (this is a question--not necessarily a statement--LOL).

One day at a time works for alcoholics in recovery---it stands to reason that it would benefit those of us in recovery from co-dependency traits.

I'm just saying.......

dandylion

**The banannas are dancing because they are happily living in the moment

Jd77

I love the dancing bananas! I don't think I'm controlling, I just think that planning easies some of the anxiety I have dealt with my whole life. It has always been hard for me to live one day at a time and I have been trying to work to get better at it. I realize that if I keep looking into the future I get real upset and my thoughts become negative. I just had a talk with my parents about how I sometimes feel like there is no one better out there for me and I'll probably be alone my whole life. Crazy talk, I know but why do I think like that? I know I have a lot going for me. Usually I am the one to dump guys who aren't good for me. How did all of this change? Who is this person I've become?

dandylion

Jd77. you make good observations and ask good questions--I think. these are the kinds of things that one confronts when we endeavor to "work" on ourselves and come to understand ourselves. As you read the posts of others, here you will see these very things coming up. Alanon; individual therapy; reading and learning, etc. will help to take you there.

it is sooo worth the time and effort, though. It would probably be life changing.

dandylion

Jd77

More dancing bananas. Whoo hoo!! I am going to put the effort in. I found an Alanon meeting for Tuesday and going to my therapist on Thursday. I need to take some positive steps because this last week is killing me. I'm so glad I found this message board.

dandylion

Jd77---I think that those are, indeed, positive steps. You can never lose by investing in yourself!!

dandylion

LadySage

When the occasional "maybe my EXAH will make a huge turn around, move back to town and become the man of my dreams and it would be so romantic." thought pops into my head I forced myself to think of all the romance I was privy to during our relationship. Also, it would be much more romantic to have someone treating you amazingly now rather than in an uncertain future.

Jd77

I fully agree with this, I'm just having a hard time thinking that someone will be able to connect with me the way he does.

Jenibean87

Honestly, I was devastated when my ABFs addiction started to really bring consequences. And even though in sobriety (and sometimes when drunk) he was so wonderful, generous, loving, etc... Things break down. And one day, you end up being the babysitter, and he ends up lying, cheating, stealing. It's inevitable progression ( I didn't believe it would happen to me.... Everyone else, maybe, but not ME!)

Anyway, my point is I get how hard it is to let go of the life you planned with this guy. I am just now, after 3 years of HELL in a 6 year relationship, starting to let go of the idea that he will want kids with me, a marriage, a life. I used to so clearly picture all of those things. Now, I can't imagine a way in which any of those things could possibly happen.

Letting go of expectations helps me feel better. I expected him to be a man he is not. Now, I expect very little-to nothing.... And it helps with disappointment and loss.

Good luck. It's incredibly heartbreaking to lose everything you thought you had, but that doesn't mean it's the end of happiness for you.