Jd77

Wow. I never looked at it that way...

peridotbleu

Learn to detach and not engage with promises they may make! Learn to watch their actions. It really seems like a bad thing that we have to reprogram our minds, but in all actuality it makes us stronger so that we are not preyed upon by addictive behavior! Have you read the book CoDependent No More by Melodie Beaty - I found it to be very helpful. And also, keep reading and posting here... the wisdom from people sharing their life experiences on this forum has helped me more than I could ever imagined.
I hope you can find an Alanon meeting where you feel comfortable - the teachings in those rooms are life altering!

Jd77

It's strange- I've lived alone for years before I met him. I was comfortable with myself and with being single. Then I meet him and release my heart to him. I don't know why it's so scary to be alone now. I keep thinking of the person he was to me up until the time if his arrest last December. He was my dream come true. How could I have been so wrong? I have never seen him drunk, angry, mean... I have only good memories. I just don't know what to do when he is able to talk to me again (he hasn't called from rehab). The sound of his voice comforts me. I miss it. I can't believe how weak I am when it comes to him. I have always been a strong independent woman. Why am I not being that person now?

fourmaggie

Melody Beattie --Codependent no more, is an awesome read...

Jd77

I'm having a rough morning. I am just so exhausted. This is really weighing on me. I miss him. I thought I was doing real well yesterday. It's when I come home to my empty house that I start to feel bad. I'm waking up every two hours or so and all I want to do is teach for him. Why do I even still want him. After what he has put me through I shouldn't even want to talk to him. I want him to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. He's been the person I share my deepest feelings with. I feel lost not being able to share things with him right now. What the heck is wrong with me??

BlueSkies1

Well that sounds like ordinary heartbreak...doesn't matter alcohol need not be involved, can be two 16 year olds and one breaks up with the other and this ensues...
But he's in no position to hug you and tell you that everything is going to be ok. If he did that, he would be lying. He doesn't know the future himself.
So ask yourself why do you want someone to promise something impossible?

This isn't going to be easy, but you have to THINK it through. Not FEEL it through.
Read my question again and think about it. Why do you want someone to promise the impossible? This is reality...we don't live in fairytales...let them go....don't embrace fairytales...embrace reality, embrace truth.

You can also start feeling better by rejecting those thoughts of emptiness when you come home to your own place. Your own place should be your sanctuary! Get a vision going for it again, your serenity. Go buy something tangible to see in your sanctuary if it will help you remember that you picked that place to live thinking that you could be comfortable there. Add a new decoration.
You can't let your self-esteem ride on the approval of another which may or may not be forthcoming...that would destroy anyone.
You have to build self-esteem, and preservation, within yourself, to protect and care for yourself. Not rely on another to give it to you.

dandylion

Jd77---you are having the same experience that all of us had when we had to grieve the loss of a "love" type relationship--and the loss of the dreams that we had woven around that relationship. A shocking fact is that the painful feelings of loss feel the same WHETHER THE RELATIONSHIP WAS GOOD OR BAD FOR US!! Now, ain't that just a Bit**?!

You can thank Mother Nature for this phenomenon. A lot of it is pair bonding---a built in instinct that serves for the continuation of the species. I don't mean to go all "Mr. Science" on this---but, what you are feeling is natural.

By the same token, it will pass, eventually. You will get through the grief, a day at a time. Go ahead and feel the feelings. Cry--rivers of tears if necessary. Scream at the heavens. Feel sorry for yourself--yes, I think that is o.k., sometimes. Talk to those who understand. This is how you "let it out". You need to get the hurt out. Remember that GRIEF IS THE FIRST STEP OF HEALING. Don't be afraid.

We have your back.

dandylion

Jd77

You are all wonderful. I feel like you really care for me and you don't even know me. I really appreciate it. The posts I read hear have really opened my eyes. Here's another question- at what point do I talk/see him again? He has access to a phone after his first week in rehab (which will be Tuesday). His mom called me yesterday and told me when visiting hours are if I wanted to go and see him. She's not pressuring me at all. I know she's very upset at the thought of losing me as her "daughter" but she has said that I deserve a more stable life than this. I'm guessing he will be mailing me letters. I got one every day last time he was in rehab. Any suggestions on how I should approach all of this?

peridotbleu

From what I understand, he is your comfort level right now - find another source for comfort? That was advice given to me and is what I am working on...going to Alanon will definitely help with this, the people in my meetings are my comfort zone at this point.
Hope this helps. We do care - everyone here either has been or is in your same situation.
Take care of you! (((hugs)))

BlueSkies1

How about entertaining the thought for five minutes, that you don't talk/see him again?

Just start imagining it...a little at a time...

Jd77

Ughhhhh. It's so hard to imagine not seeing or talking to him. I don't know if I have the strength to say no when he tries to see me. I know that seeing him will just make all of the good memories come back but I also know that will make me feel better for a bit. I realize it will be short lived. I want to be strong enough to say no. I totally sound just like him except his problem is alcohol. My problem is all of the mental craziness going on in my mind...

BlueSkies1

Five minutes.

Sit there, feel it.

As if he moved to a far off country, or better yet, galaxy.

Feel it. Just for five minutes. Breathe. Imagine it. It's not permanent, it's imagining it.

You have to try it several times to get used to the idea, and to maybe find out that you can become more comfortable with the idea. As it becomes more comfortable, then you may start to actually like it, which will surprise you. You may not believe that at this point. Just try it...Nothing happens all at once. Not happens immediately.

peridotbleu

Great Advice Blueskies. Baby Steps Jd77. If you keep saying you cant, then that is what you will believe. You are probably stronger than you give yourself credit for. We are as sick as they are - that is why we have to seek recovery for ourselves. Please read the book CoDependent No More.

dandylion

Dear Jd, every time you have some spare minutes, come here and read the true stories of other people's experiences that have been in your shoes. Read lots of them. This will help to keep reality in the forefront of your mind. Also read the stories in the section of Adult Children of Alcoholics. You imply that you are thinking of a family with this guy. This will give you an idea of what your children would be in for.

dandylion

Jd77

Well, I took my first step to trying to feel like myself again- I put on my running sneakers. I'm an avid runner and haven't don't it in a week because I was so tired from all this. I ran five miles and my mind was all over the place but I tried to thing a lot about what all of you have posted in here. I've gotten some great advice these past few days. I woke up this morning sad but trying to redirect my thoughts. This is so hard but I took a small baby step yesterday...

theseithakas

Good for you Jd. Running is my escape too, so I definitely understand where you're coming from. I know when things get tough, sometimes running is the last thing I want to do, but it always seems to be the thing that I need.

BlueSkies1

Hey JD, you must love running...don't give up the things you love!

Tuffgirl

I'm going to throw out a different perspective - take what works and leave the rest.

Maybe consider changing your own view of this relationship. If you continue to look at it as "I can't imagine a life without him" than of course you can't! If you look at it as "he treated me better than anyone else" than of course no one else will treat you better. If you look at it as "he is everything I want and need, except for that pesky addiction to drugs and alcohol, the jail time, and DUI's and drug charges..." it will continue to minimize a very BIG problem; one you have no control over whatsoever.

Change the way you look at this, and the things you look at will change.

He is but one man in a big wide world of men. Men who have integrity, honor, and an ability to be emotionally available. Spend some time understanding what those guys look like, and your ex will pale in comparison to that picture.

I know break ups hurt...I had to let go of a marriage that I had high hopes and dreams for. Emphasis on hopes and dreams. That's all it was - my big hopes and dreams. Reality was I married an alcoholic with problems way bigger than me, and the life he promised was not the life he actually offered at the end of the day.

But I am here, on the other end of it all, doing just fine, and meeting men who don't have addictions, and let me tell you...the difference is staggering. And refreshing!

Good luck,
~T

Jd77

Thanks for that perspective, tuffgirl. What did you do to ease the pain in the meantime? How was it to date again? Do you ever miss him or wonder "what if"? Any suggestions as to how to have more self confidence would be great.

Recovering2

There are 2 of you here who need recovery. Part of your recovery at this time may need to be No Contact. That allows you to put some distance in, and allows you to focus on YOU. This is all so new, as long as he's able to talk to you you're going to get tugged. If he's serious about recovery, he will respect that this is best for you.

Keep running......I'm a runner. Lots of mornings running by myself helped. I'm sure others thought I was crazy...talking to myself and crying a lot of the time! But it helped me. Are you in AlAnon? THose meetings would be a huge help as you try to un-enmesh yourself from this.