RAH -thinks its okay to have 1 drink?

Old 09-22-2013, 09:45 AM
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RAH -thinks its okay to have 1 drink?

Not sure if he qualifies any more for being in Recovery? My AH went through outpatient rehab about 6 months ago. Was doing really well, faithfully going to AA and meeting with his sponsor. That started in March. In July on our family vacation, he drank openly in front of me on 2 different occasions. Said it was just a "Small Slip" b/c he only had a couple of drinks. Told him that was not gonna fly with me. As far as I can tell, he is not going to meetings very often and not communicating with his sponsor like he was. Pretty sure he didn't tell him about the drinking. I figured maybe the slip is normal, so giving him a chance. As far as I can tell he hasn't drank since then. BUT, we went to dinner 2 nights ago with friends, and he ordered a glass of wine, REALLY? Of course I couldn't make a scene b/c we were with other people. But when I confronted him about it yesterday, he says "well it was just a few sips". Again back to his AH justifications. ALSO, I think he may have tried to get some Oxy pills from a friend of his. THOUGHTS? He also likes to throw at me "well it doesn't really matter b/c you don't treat me any differently if I drink or don't". That's his classic line. HE doesn't get that it takes TIME, and for me a lot of it. But he keeps slipping, for me it all starts at point 1 again.
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:00 AM
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Ok - first of all - he isn't slipping and falling into a glass of booze, now is he? Hon, he is drinking. Period. Call it whatever you will - slip, relapse, temporary insanity...doesn't matter. He is making a choice to have a drink, and justifying it through you and your behavior.

He isn't ready to stop, and this is probably what bothers you the most underneath it all.

"well it doesn't really matter b/c you don't treat me any differently if I drink or don't".
Oh pu-lease. Serious quacking right there. Ignore that. Stopping an addiction to mind-altering substances is what responsible grown ups do. He doesn't get any special treatment for being a freakin grown up, any more than I get special treatment for raising my kids or paying my bills on time.

But he keeps slipping, for me it all starts at point 1 again.
Point 1? Not necessarily - if you mean some time clock gets a big reset everytime he chooses to drink or use. I hope what you mean is you see him not being serious about sobriety, and this is concerning you. And there isn't much you can do about it, because it is his problem to fix after all.

What you can do is find some support for yourself, because this is a downhill ride - fast. It won't be long before he is right back to where he was before rehab. Do you attend Al-Anon?
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:00 AM
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Nope, if an alcoholic is drinking, he is most assuredly NOT in recovery! You got that 100% correct, stuckinfear.

Doesn't sound like he's real serious about getting sober.

You're doing great to not fall for his BS about "drinking in moderation"--in fact, I would hazard a guess that if you have seen him drink openly several times, he has likely been drinking covertly a lot MORE times...

Since you can't change what HE'S doing, what are you doing for yourself? Are you getting to Alanon meetings so you have some real-world resources to help you learn the tools you'll need to deal with your A? The more focus you put on you, what you want from life and how you're going to get it, the better your chances of getting there. As it sounds like you know, waiting for HIM to do it for you is going to be a waste of time.

Wishing you strength and clarity to move forward and not remain "stuckinfear"!
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:09 AM
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We all understand the fear of what this "one drink" will bring.

Question is, recognizing you can't control it, what are you going to do about it? What actions can you take to be happy?

If we could alter reality, no one would need alcohol or drugs.
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:11 AM
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drinking is DRINKING. which he is doing often and now probably drug seeking. that is NOT recovery. he gave it a short go and since the world didn't bow down in awe, he didn't get that instant payoff and so resumed what he knows best.

that's what he does.

probably good for your own mental health to quit "talking" about his drinking. you know he's drinking, and he most certainly knows!!! he can fool himself all he wants, but nothing changes if nothing changes. you can also drop the R for RAH.....
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:38 AM
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Stuckinfear

I could have written your exact post! My AH did and said the exact same thing. And my feelings were the same as yours.

If we went to dinner and he DIDN'T order a beer or glass of wine he would look over the alcohol beverage menu and make comments waiting for me to say "do what you want". It got to the point where I no longer wanted to go out to dinner with him.

The others are right - he is not in recovery. My AH did this only 1 or 2 thing, then 1or2 for several days, then stop and start again. Then while on vacation 2-1/2 months ago he went all in and it was like he never stopped. In fact it was MUCH worse than before.

Listen to your gut instincts. I wish I would have.
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:51 AM
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He's fooling himself but he's not fooling you. You know what is going to happen. Double digging now if he's buying pills. All I can tell you from my experience with my AH is that he can not have one drop of alcohol hit his tongue. It doesn't matter if it's beer, wine or vodka. It's alcohol.

And, when you say it brings you back to point 1 a.k.a. HELL. Yeah it does. I listen to AH talk. When he told the Dr last week, Doc, when I started drinking again, it was like I was back at the worst point in my life when I knew I had to quit. There was no in between, no enjoying the buzz... it was not good n here I am, 5 years later having all these issues. I can't drink.

I just sit there n listen. He's speaking the truth.
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Old 09-22-2013, 10:58 AM
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stuckinfear, it sounds like he has, not yet, accepted that he is an alcoholic. The very hardest, and last thing an alcoholic wants to accept is that they can never (NEVER) drink again. Most would rather sacrifice a limb than to face this. The possibility of life with out any alcohol looks like the same thing as a death sentence to them. Hence, they struggle and struggle--lying to themselves and others and trying to figure a way to be a n ormal controlled drinker (like a non-alcoholic).

Some can do periods of abstinence--sometimes, fairly long periods--but, the sticky wicket is that when they take that first drink--the loss of control resumes pretty quickly.They are not going to really believe their AA compatriots or their sponsor or their "nagging" wife, because they believe and pray that they are the exception to the rule. It is common for alcoholics to touch the stove many, many times over--to prove that it is not still hot. Hitting their bottom is about coming to the realization that the stove will always be hot--and they are so miserable that sobriety looks like relief.

This is a battle between the disease and the "self" that is waged on a continuous battle within the mind and brain of the alcoholic (regardless of how he/she looks to the outside world).

There is nothing you can do about this--it is the disease. It is not about you--it has n othing to do with you (though, the alcoholic may have you believe otherwise). There is literally nothing you can do except get out of the way and not enable. The alcoholic suffers, just as we loved ones do. He is the only one who can arrest it--by a rigorous program designed to change his thinking, attitudes and behaviors---and continued abstainence. For him this requires a sincere desire for sobriety and a determination to put sobriety as his number one priority in his life--regardless of what you do or don't do!!

Right now, it sounds like he is a long way from this. Like I said--he is still stuck in "acceptance". So, you might as well take care of yourself. His disease doesn't care o ne hoot about you. That is just the harsh reality of being with active alcoholism. Love is not enough to do it.

Someone, here, on SR has the saying "Let go or be dragged". Unfortunately, for many of us, those are the only options.

You have my most sincere empathy. You are not alone. We will walk with you!

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Old 09-22-2013, 10:58 AM
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Thanks everyone. I know in my gut what the real answers are. But you know how they are, try to suck you into thinking it isn't that bad. I guess I always want him to REALLY get drunk so I feel justified in finally leaving. I go to regular therapy, and my therapist always gets me back to reality. So i know the answer before asking, just helps to have others reassure me that I'm not overreacting. He has always been very high functioning, so that is what makes it harder for me. But one of the big problems i had before was obsession with playing detective and looking for bottles, reading text messages, etc. And I am back in that mode, which makes me know the madness has started again. Its just worrying about the unknown again, which is really worse than his actual drinking.
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Old 09-22-2013, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by stuckinfear View Post
And I am back in that mode, which makes me know the madness has started again. Its just worrying about the unknown again, which is really worse than his actual drinking.
Yes, what you say above is the key. I never was able to pull off the detachment while my ex-ab was playing these games. A beer here, a glass of wine there. I went totally into codie mode by trying to control his drinking. I think that just accomplished three things. (1) It delayed the inevitable increase in drinking (2) He went underground with his drinking (3) He resented me.

Many years ago, before I knew personally about this whole alcoholism thing, I had a good friend who was an amazing recovering alcoholic/addict. She was big into sponsoring and really walked the walk and talked the talk. Her answer to her sponsees who played games with slips would be to tell them they were probably not ready and maybe they need to drink some more until the pain was greater than the pleasure. She said it with complete love, lack of judgement, and support for her sponsee. Now mind you, only an AA sponsor could say something like that. Our job as family/friends is to stay out of the way of a AA's journey.
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Old 09-22-2013, 11:44 AM
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stuckinfear---Relapse tears our hearts out!! Just after we get our hopes "up" again--we get our hearts slammed to the bottom of the ocean floor--again. So, I don't think you overreacted. But whether you did or didn't--it won't change the course of his disease and behavior.


again, might as well work on yourself (in a caring way)--cause how many "rounds" do you have left in you?

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Old 09-22-2013, 03:25 PM
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I guess I always want him to REALLY get drunk so I feel justified in finally leaving.
Or you could go on living in hell for decades like I did. If you want to leave, Leave. Just like that. Live a happy life because that is what everyone wants for themselves. That requires no apology, explanation, or justification whatsoever.
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Old 09-22-2013, 03:31 PM
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I know it's heartbreaking to witness a relapse but we're powerless over the actions and words of other people. There's nothing you can say or do that will keep your husband from drinking. Alanon changed my life by helping me leave a toxic person and change myself so I pick better men in the future.
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Old 09-22-2013, 05:46 PM
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The thing is though, alcoholics don't even enjoy just having one drink.
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Old 09-22-2013, 06:51 PM
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[

No such thing as a slip; he,s drinking, period.

And it has nothing to do with how you don,t or don,t treat him.


QUOTE=stuckinfear;4195505]Not sure if he qualifies any more for being in Recovery? My AH went through outpatient rehab about 6 months ago. Was doing really well, faithfully going to AA and meeting with his sponsor. That started in March. In July on our family vacation, he drank openly in front of me on 2 different occasions. Said it was just a "Small Slip" b/c he only had a couple of drinks. Told him that was not gonna fly with me. As far as I can tell, he is not going to meetings very often and not communicating with his sponsor like he was. Pretty sure he didn't tell him about the drinking. I figured maybe the slip is normal, so giving him a chance. As far as I can tell he hasn't drank since then. BUT, we went to dinner 2 nights ago with friends, and he ordered a glass of wine, REALLY? Of course I couldn't make a scene b/c we were with other people. But when I confronted him about it yesterday, he says "well it was just a few sips". Again back to his AH justifications. ALSO, I think he may have tried to get some Oxy pills from a friend of his. THOUGHTS? He also likes to throw at me "well it doesn't really matter b/c you don't treat me any differently if I drink or don't". That's his classic line. HE doesn't get that it takes TIME, and for me a lot of it. But he keeps slipping, for me it all starts at point 1 again.[/QUOTE]
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Old 09-22-2013, 07:18 PM
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Clearly he didnt just relapse. He fell off the wagon.
Hes not going to meetings like he should
Tried to get oxy
Has drank atleast 2xs to your knowledge
Is excusing it away with quaking bs by blaming you.
The best thing you can do is just go about your routine daily as normal as possible.
Stay healthy for you. Keep doing what you do and moving forward and continue in your recovery.
What he does is entirely up to him.
Sorry it happened because I know the frustration all too well.
All he had to do was NOT drink and go to aa but sadly thats alcoholism...selfish and stupid!!
Good luck
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