Need Advice - How to Break up With Alc BF

Old 05-25-2013, 02:57 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
Need Advice - How to Break up With Alc BF

My live in bf is an alcoholic who does not want to get help. I didn't know he was an alcoholic til he moved in nine months ago. For the past 6 months I have tried to get him to get help. His solution is to see a counselor once a week and cut down on his drinking (which he has -- now not drunk EVERY day, but about 2X a week). Even so, he is an addict and is in denial. A few weeks ago, I tried to end the relationship but he convinced me to go to counseling with him. The counselor confirmed what I thought, that he is an alcoholic who needs rehab / professional help (more than she can give in a one hour session once a week). I gave him two weeks to quit drinking or he'd have to move. He looked into rehab and AA but had an excuse why none of those would work for him. He then told me that he was going to do it his way -- give up alcohol for 30 days and reassess things after that. (I knew this was BS.) That was 1 week ago. Not surprisingly he drank at least 2 times that I know of. The second time, I told him I knew he'd been drinking and he said "I donít know what you are talking about.Ē I just said, never mind Ė doesnít matter. I know I have to really break it off and go through with it this time. (He is living in my house so he will have to move.) He is out of town til Tuesday (3 days from now) and I plan on having the talk as soon as he comes back. He is in total denial and keeps acting like nothing is wrong!
I need help on what to say so that he knows I mean it. He will get mad and start yelling and I donít even want to engage in that. What is the best way to handle it? I know I will need to repeat things (broken record), but what is the proper wording I should use to neutralize his response as much as possible? (I should add that I still love him tremendously but know this is the best for both of us. Breaking my codepency is another matter for laterÖ)
laura2013 is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 04:00 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,251
Dear laura, I would offer that safety should be your first consideration. I would do it in an environment that you can safely exit from, should the need arise. Have your cellphone charged and close by. I would notify someone you trust about what you are doing--someone that you can summon quickly. Have an extra key in your car, if you can. You can never predict how angry a person might become if they think they are losing control.

Use I statements as much as possible. "I can't live with alcoholism" (for example).

Make it as straight-forward as possible. Beating around the bush won't make it any easier--and probably make it worse.

Expect that he will be angry, and will probably make all sorts of criticisms and heap all sorts of blame on you. Don't take the bait--it only escalates things.

He may try the technique of making promises of change; possibly crying and begging to give another chance. Do not waver---BUT, MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE INTENDING TO ENFORCE THE BOUNDRY BEFORE YOU ASK HIM TO LEAVE. Don't say you want to break up if you don't mean it and can't follow through.

This is never an easy thing to do. Best of luck to you.

We will be here for you.
dandylion is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 05:33 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I would simply say that you understand he isn't ready to quit drinking, and that's his right, but as you told him two weeks ago, you are done living with it. Tell him he is moving out within the next week. I would have all his stuff already moved to another room so you don't have the issue of having to share a bed with him in the meantime.

The day I kicked out the guy I was living with last (he wasn't an alcoholic but there were other issues), I stayed home from work and told him he was going TODAY. He got most of his stuff, and picked up the rest in a few weeks. He complained he had no place to go, and I said, "Not my problem." He wound up staying a week or two at a motel until he found a place to live. He survived.

In my experience, giving someone a chance to find other living arrangements just drags things out painfully. If the house burned down he would figure something out. He will with this, too.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 05:51 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
Question Leave or Not Leave?

Assuming things go relatively smoothly, once I have the break-up talk, should I leave the house for the night? If I leave, I fear in his anger he may trash my house. If I stay, he will probably switch from anger to sweetness. It's what he did last week and it worked when he told me he was quitting for 30 days. It won't work on me now, but if he thinks he may be able to change my mind, he will behave for at least long enough for the immediate anger to subside. Thoughts?
laura2013 is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 06:07 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
Why should I care about kicking him out immediately?

I know everyone is saying I should make him leave immediately rather than prolong the torture. When I have talked about him moving out before, he has whined that I have not given him enough notice, that he can't find a place in 2 days and would need at least a month. I think that's too long; I was going to say June 15, which is 2 1/2 weeks. I know I should not care at all, but I just don't feel comfortable with myself by kicking him out immediately. Part of it is that I don't want his family/friends to think I am the unreasonable one. I don't want to give him a reason to trash me for that to them. (He can and probably will trash me to them about other things, I am sure.) But I don't want to give him the SATISFACTION of having this dramatic story to make me look bad. The other part of it is that I do feel sympathetic, and he is right that it does take some time to find another place to live. I KNOW I should not care because he has made his bed, now he needs to lie in it (no pun intended). The problem is that I really do still love him and I guess I just don't have the heart to do it in that way. (My friends wanted me to be WAY harsher -- wanted me to box up his stuff, put it in the carport, and change the locks while he was out of town. I thought that was kinda low down, though.) Thoughts? Experiences?
laura2013 is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 06:18 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by laura2013 View Post
(My friends wanted me to be WAY harsher -- wanted me to box up his stuff, put it in the carport, and change the locks while he was out of town. I thought that was kinda low down, though.)
That was MY first thought, but I don't think I could do that, myself.

Here's the problem, though. You already gave him two weeks to quit drinking or move out. He decided to keep drinking, but has he done anything about finding a different place to live? Of course not--he is counting on your not meaning what you said. He is counting on his ability to manipulate you a little bit longer so he can stay comfy and continue to drink as he wants.

HE is the one who has created the "emergency," not you. You told him "two weeks." At this point, I, personally, would not give him more than a few days, tops. Does he have no friends to crash with? Can he not afford a few days in a motel?

Oh, and *I* wouldn't leave if I were you. This is YOUR home. YOU call the shots. But this is also why I would not give him more than a very few days. Trust me, a lot of promises and BS can be shoveled if you give him any longer, and you may weaken and not only will you be back where you started, but your credibility will be shot. He will KNOW that if he cries, begs for forgiveness, makes promises, that you won't follow through with what you have said.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 07:33 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,827
If you mean it have his stuff packed when he gets back. Can,t argue with that. But be really sure this is what you want so you don,t end up backing down. Have your phone close by in case you need to call the cops.



Originally Posted by laura2013 View Post
My live in bf is an alcoholic who does not want to get help. I didn't know he was an alcoholic til he moved in nine months ago. For the past 6 months I have tried to get him to get help. His solution is to see a counselor once a week and cut down on his drinking (which he has -- now not drunk EVERY day, but about 2X a week). Even so, he is an addict and is in denial. A few weeks ago, I tried to end the relationship but he convinced me to go to counseling with him. The counselor confirmed what I thought, that he is an alcoholic who needs rehab / professional help (more than she can give in a one hour session once a week). I gave him two weeks to quit drinking or he'd have to move. He looked into rehab and AA but had an excuse why none of those would work for him. He then told me that he was going to do it his way -- give up alcohol for 30 days and reassess things after that. (I knew this was BS.) That was 1 week ago. Not surprisingly he drank at least 2 times that I know of. The second time, I told him I knew he'd been drinking and he said "I donít know what you are talking about.Ē I just said, never mind Ė doesnít matter. I know I have to really break it off and go through with it this time. (He is living in my house so he will have to move.) He is out of town til Tuesday (3 days from now) and I plan on having the talk as soon as he comes back. He is in total denial and keeps acting like nothing is wrong!
I need help on what to say so that he knows I mean it. He will get mad and start yelling and I donít even want to engage in that. What is the best way to handle it? I know I will need to repeat things (broken record), but what is the proper wording I should use to neutralize his response as much as possible? (I should add that I still love him tremendously but know this is the best for both of us. Breaking my codepency is another matter for laterÖ)
fluffyflea is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 07:51 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
So about an hour ago he calls me from his trip and I am not super talkative (I've been pretty cold & matter of fact the past couple of days since he drank & acted like he didn't know what I was talking about). He says, "What's wrong?" and I say,"Oh nothing." I just don't even want to get into it on the phone. He could tell something was wrong and got mad because I wouldn't tell him. He actually hung up on me!

Later he sends me a text that says, "I get upset when there is something wrong and you won't tell me. Not good communication."

This interaction was the reminder I needed that I am doing the right thing. I plan on not answering ANY calls or texts from him and will have his stuff packed for when he comes back Tuesday.

Should I even text back, "Alcohol is what's wrong" or "Your drinking is what's wrong" or not even bother?
laura2013 is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 08:01 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wouldn't. It will just stir up a hornet's nest. You already gave him a two-week deadline or get out. How much clearer can you make it? I would just leave it alone and carry through with your plan.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 08:09 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
box of chocolates
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Its difficult but the sooner the better. If it is your plan to in fact have him leave the longer he stays the harder it will be. If he refuses to seek arrangements to live elsewhere take it into your own hands if necessary. You could alwaus get a giant calender on the fridge and have everysay marked with look for housing with the final day marked as bf moves out lol
Hopefully it goes over smoothly for you. Dont be afraid to calk the police if gets out of hand. Good luck
thislonelygirl is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 08:10 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
SolTraveler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Another thing to check out, I don't know where you are or what the laws are in your state, but in Texas we have to formally evict people. If your ABF refuses to leave you will have to get a lawyer and serve him with an eviction notice, the whole works. And that takes 21 days from the time there are served.

I would find out first. When I threw out my ex, I changed the locks so he couldn't get in. I let him in one afternoon to get his stuff, but only with a house full of witnesses in case he tried anything.

God forbid, if I have to kick my ABF out, I plan to go to the lawyer first and get the eviction notice, then serve it to him and change the locks while he is at work. Then, if he still gives me problems, I will let the police come in and find his weed. That would teach him. I really, really hope I never have to do that, but I have to be prepared to be cold as ice to protect my kids, if need be.

((Hugs)) I am sorry you are going through this.
SolTraveler is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 08:10 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
box of chocolates
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by laura2013 View Post
So about an hour ago he calls me from his trip and I am not super talkative (I've been pretty cold & matter of fact the past couple of days since he drank & acted like he didn't know what I was talking about). He says, "What's wrong?" and I say,"Oh nothing." I just don't even want to get into it on the phone. He could tell something was wrong and got mad because I wouldn't tell him. He actually hung up on me!

Later he sends me a text that says, "I get upset when there is something wrong and you won't tell me. Not good communication."

This interaction was the reminder I needed that I am doing the right thing. I plan on not answering ANY calls or texts from him and will have his stuff packed for when he comes back Tuesday.

Should I even text back, "Alcohol is what's wrong" or "Your drinking is what's wrong" or not even bother?
No ....let him move out first and then if he does the sob story and asks why...then you can tell him in the meantime just make it as easy on yourself and safe as possible
thislonelygirl is offline  
Old 05-25-2013, 11:11 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
You make good points. I am in Louisiana. I did a quick search and found out that I may have to give him five days' notification. After that, if he doesn't leave, I would have to file a formal eviction notice and he would have at least 14 days after that. This is causing me to rethink some things. He is definitely the type to make it hard for me by causing me to follow all these steps. It is totally something he would do.

I'm going to talk to a lawyer friend tomorrow to get some advice.

Thanks for ALL of your input. You are helping me more than you'll ever know!
laura2013 is offline  
Old 05-26-2013, 04:45 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
Question

Ugh. I caved and texted him, "What's wrong is that I have finally realized that for you alcohol is more important than our relationship. We can talk about this when you get home. Still, I don't deserve to be hung up on."

He says, "I don't deserve lying about nothing being wrong. Continuously. Especially after talking about poor communication skills many times."

I didn't answer and LOL'ed at the predictable-ness of this message. Then he sends me 3 texts with a long message listing "Other things I don't deserve that you constantly do...." (lists six or so things that have one kernel of truth or are blatantly false b/c they are only in HIS mind). Then he says "This is just the beginning but it really helps for me to write this...makes my decision easier."

I know that defending myself would give him what he wants and would get me nowhere. But I am fighting the urge to repeat something about drinking being the reason, maybe the same message I sent earlier? (In fact, maybe I could send him this message after every text. That would be funny but would probably just make things worse.)

Or should I not respond at all? What would you do?
laura2013 is offline  
Old 05-26-2013, 06:35 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I would do what I think you should have done in the first place. Leave it alone.

This texting back and forth is pointless and silly. I don't know what "decision" he's talking about, but in the (happy) event he is talking about breaking up, JUMP on it. Who cares who "dumps" whom? It isn't a competition. He doesn't "win" by being the first to say he wants out. Just don't let him drag his feet. Out? There's the door. You have three days (or whatever).
LexieCat is offline  
Old 09-22-2013, 09:33 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: cleveland, oh
Posts: 1
Iím in the same situation as Laura. ABF moved in with me after he had been ďremovedĒ from rehab. He told me he was there because he didnít have a place to stay. He was staying at a Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center, which I thought was for anyone who was just homeless (how dumb was I? LOL) He said ďremovedĒ, I found out later he was kicked out for coming back to the center high/drunk and not following the program. Anyway, I loved him, blah, blah, blah. Didnít know how serious his drinking problem was until he moved in.

That was 6 almost 7 years ago and Iíve FINALLY reached the point where I am done. Laura, your post is the 1st one I have EVER read that deals with the same emotions Iíve been dealing with which is not having the heart to just throw him out with no place to go. I didnít want to be ďmeanĒ or the ďbad guyĒ etc., and I've been dealing with the fear of his response, possibly trashing my place etc., which has kept me stuck for all these years!

But hereís the deal: He has been and always will be the bad guy because of the way he has treated me, lied to me, disrespected me, abused me emotionally and physically. Iím worth more than that, and I deserve to be treated with respect. By reading up on co-dependency topics, I realized that his life is not my life.

I decided not to argue with him about his drinking and his behavioróthat is a battle I will never win. I just simply spoke in terms of MY life, that I will no longer live with the alcohol or the effects itís having in my life.
I gave him a 2 week deadline: stop drinking or find another place. I have hired an attorney in case I have to evict him, Iíve notified the local police and my neighbors that if something goes down as far as trespassing, I will press charges. I have a locksmith on standby, and Iíve already hooked up an alarm system that alerts local police/fire. My pets have been secured elsewhere for a while. So if he wants to "act a fool" and continue to not take responsibility for his life thatís on him, not me. Iím done trying to fix something that cannot be fixed!
itzmylife is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:36 PM.