stuckinfear, it sounds like he has, not yet, accepted that he is an alcoholic. The very hardest, and last thing an alcoholic wants to accept is that they can never (NEVER) drink again. Most would rather sacrifice a limb than to face this. The possibility of life with out any alcohol looks like the same thing as a death sentence to them. Hence, they struggle and struggle--lying to themselves and others and trying to figure a way to be a n ormal controlled drinker (like a non-alcoholic).
Some can do periods of abstinence--sometimes, fairly long periods--but, the sticky wicket is that when they take that first drink--the loss of control resumes pretty quickly.They are not going to really believe their AA compatriots or their sponsor or their "nagging" wife, because they believe and pray that they are the exception to the rule. It is common for alcoholics to touch the stove many, many times over--to prove that it is not still hot. Hitting their bottom is about coming to the realization that the stove will always be hot--and they are so miserable that sobriety looks like relief.
This is a battle between the disease and the "self" that is waged on a continuous battle within the mind and brain of the alcoholic (regardless of how he/she looks to the outside world).
There is nothing you can do about this--it is the disease. It is not about you--it has n othing to do with you (though, the alcoholic may have you believe otherwise). There is literally nothing you can do except get out of the way and not enable. The alcoholic suffers, just as we loved ones do. He is the only one who can arrest it--by a rigorous program designed to change his thinking, attitudes and behaviors---and continued abstainence. For him this requires a sincere desire for sobriety and a determination to put sobriety as his number one priority in his life--regardless of what you do or don't do!!
Right now, it sounds like he is a long way from this. Like I said--he is still stuck in "acceptance". So, you might as well take care of yourself. His disease doesn't care o ne hoot about you. That is just the harsh reality of being with active alcoholism. Love is not enough to do it.
Someone, here, on SR has the saying "Let go or be dragged". Unfortunately, for many of us, those are the only options.
You have my most sincere empathy. You are not alone. We will walk with you!
dandylion