LosingMyMind

I really do not think that the length of a relationship can hold any weight in decisions of this nature. Just know that it has been long enough for me to want to stay and help.

He is my strength through hard times. Why am I too weak to be his?

Danae

You can be there for him, but you can't control or cure his alcoholism. Only he can do that, and he must choose it for himself.

You seem to be torturing yourself with this. You are up against a disease, and your good intentions can't fix it. You can't "help" him in the way you are hoping.

What you are thinking of as standing by him may be enabling, which is why Al-Anon can be a very useful way to see things differently.

LosingMyMind

I can't sleep, I can't get through today. I have not heard from him at all about his whereabouts and safety since that last message absolutely hours ago. It feels like a lifetime.

I am scared of what news tomorrow brings. Will he be ok? Will he still be alive? Will we still have a salvageable relationship or was it all thrown away tonight in someone else's bed?

I feel sick at the possibilities.

SparkleKitty

In my opinion -- and please, take what you want here and leave the rest -- this is a very romanticized idea of relationships. I don't believe people are really capable of being each other's strengths. I believe that in a healthy relationship, the other person is really just a mirror reflecting back your own strength. It is romantic, sure, to believe two people "can't live without each other", or that another person can be your everything. It's just not healthy. And as we learn when we try to have normal relationships with people who are addicted to a substance, it comes with an awful of baggage.

But hey, look. What I read in your posts right now is extreme, extraordinary sadness and disappointment. You aren't going to figure everything out and have an answer right now, or even very soon. Please read as much as you can of other threads on this site and absorb some experience, strength, and hope as you come to understand the scope of what it is you're both going through. And if there's something nice that you can do for yourself today, please indulge.

LosingMyMind

Can someone please explain to me how I could be enabling him?

I am trying to do right by being supportive but what if I am causing further damage?

What can I do to help while still being with him?

Tuffgirl

It's not that folks here just say "leave this drunk". It's that everyone is telling you that you have no control over his alcoholism - only he does - and no amount of support, love, and understanding is going to change him. He has to want to change himself. It really is that simple.

You say you've suffered from depression. Did other people come along and fix you? Or did you have to do everything it took to find the solutions to your illness in ways that worked best for you?

Alcoholism works the same way. He has to find his own solutions. You have choices though. You can choose to remain in the relationship knowing it will be an emotional roller coaster ride, and find acceptance and detachment in those moments, or you can let him go, with love, so he can find his own way.

And Mike is right - you don't have to make all these choices today. You can simply take it one day at a time. But all this worry about him, how to fix him, where he is, is he safe...imagine if you redirected all that energy back to yourself. Imagine who you would be then.

BoxinRotz

Take care of yourself. You can't take care of him. He will push you away n dive deeper into his bottle of choice. It's up to you whether you save yourself n pursue the relationship knowing you'll be good to yourself or, make yourself miserable because you choose to control him n his drinking.

This is ALCOHELL.

atalose

Right now today in order for you NOT to have anxiety and depression……….you need HIM to stop drinking and for HIM to seek help.

See, all your thinking right now and solutions lie with HIM having to do something in order to make YOU feel loved and wanted.

See, all your thinking right now is to get HIM to stop drinking, talking to HIS counselor about HIM and how to do that.

Sometimes reality is just so very hard for us to accept that we rather just keep going round and round looking for solutions where other people need to change, other people need to get help…………………….when if fact it is US that needs the help. Help in accepting the people we love for exactly who they are today not who we wish for them to be.

The sooner you realize that YOU are the only one who can change and STOP thinking it has to be him………….the better your life will become and the less anxiety you will have.

m1k3

This is not an easy question to answer because it can vary so much.

For me enabling is protecting my AW from the consequences of her actions. Examples could be calling her boss and making excuses when she's hung over. Lying to the kids, No Mom didn't take anything, it's her new depression medicine. Cleaning up after her when she's made a huge mess and passed out. Doing things for her that she should take care of herself.

If nothing bad ever happens because of their drinking why would they want to stop?

I think the best support you can give is to step back and let him handle things himself. It didn't help with my AW but it certainly made my live better.

Your friend,

LosingMyMind

Yes, I did have to fix myself when it came to depression. But I had my amazing mother, a wonderful friend and a couple of partners that stuck by me and helped me up when I fell. Yes the relationships fell apart but I can honestly say it was not due to my problems and not due to lack of trying.

Yes, there were many in my life that left me high and dry for whatever reasons. I remember how that felt to me at the time and it tore me apart. I know that they were just not people that could offer anything to me so they gave up trying. I do not blame them today, not at all. But as I said at the time I felt betrayed, useless, not worth being in anyone's life.

Because of this I do not want to be just another person that 'gave up' on him.

He may come to realise later on as I did that there was not much choice but I would much rather be the one that stuck it out than make him feel like he is all alone.

Just like I need support to try to support him, he needs someone there to help him scrape the pieces together when the time comes. It is just hard being the emotional punching bag in the meantime. (And please be aware that by this statement I really do mean emotional punching bag and nothing physical. There are 2 top things I will never ever ever stand for again and they are physical abuse and being unfaithful)

Call me stupid for letting things be so detrimental to myself but drawing the line at some things, I don't really care. Just as I may not welcome some responses here I can not expect to please everyone with my choices and my life rules.

BoxinRotz

I get the feeling you feel you are different than us n he's different than our alcoholics. Like some how, some way, YOU will see him through to a sober life.

spiderqueen

My friend, whether you realize it or not, THIS ^^^^^^^ IS ABUSE. Just because you don't get a black eye, does not mean you aren't being damaged.

My father was this type of abuser, and trust me, I am still covered with "scars."

Your work now is to figure out how much abuse you are willing and able to tolerate. With a history of depression especially, you need to look after YOU now.

Please know, I speak from a place of compassion and experience, not judgment - and I also know how it might not feel that way right now.

Keep reaching out - we are here for you.
SQ

m1k3

Losing, one thing to keep in mind here is that people who are posting are in all different stages of recovery.

Sometimes something someone posts may be a trigger to all sorts of bad stuff in their heads, sometimes it brings back some strong or painful emotion, sometimes it shows up in what gets posted.

Please remember it's not an attack on you, it is them dealing with their own issues.

And sometimes it's people speaking from experience who are saying I have been where you are and tried what you tried and these are the results. A lot of times the results aren't good. It doesn't mean it won't work but if we can save anyone some of the pain we went through it's worth the effort.

I know everything is in a jumble right now and the future is uncertain but there are many of us here who have been where you are and are saying it can get better because it got better for us, those who left and those who stayed.



Your friend,

LosingMyMind

I do not feel at this point I am being overly enabling. Yes things could be handled better. I call when he needs to talk, I try to give him the strength to stick to the plans that he and the councillor set out. I try not to make demands but ask him if he thinks something may be beneficial to his recovery. He agrees, we are on track, we are fantastic, and then he goes to work, can't walk past the open door of the pub on his way home without going in, calls me and tells me he is there, asks me to talk to him and walk him through getting up and leaving, and then bam... It ends with him ordering more drinks, telling me its over, telling me he is not coming home and 'don't contact me' and so now I am here at my absolute wits end begging the entire universe for something, just something that may finally make sense and work for us.

LosingMyMind

I see him as the man I love. You may think it is stupid of me to hope that things could be different, but I don't know where I would be without hope. Probably in the ground having let my own struggles put one over me instead of having hope that I could have the life I dreamed of.

PaperDolls

LMM - I don't have any experience to share with you on this, but I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I'm here to listen.

<3

m1k3

Losing, a little tough love here. He is showing you who he is, believe him. You said being unfaithful is a deal breaker, well, he is being unfaithful except it's with booze instead of another woman. It took me awhile to see there really wasn't any difference, I would never be her first love, the vodka would be.

Also, that quote, the universe has shown you something, it's this forum. It's a slow process but together we can help you make sense of whats going on and figure out what works for you.

Your friend,

LosingMyMind

I am sorry if I seem uncooperative. Everyone handles things in different ways and I appreciate that fact, I really do. Which is why talking things out is so good because you can get other perspectives.

I just don't think I am in the place yet to be making the massive, strong decisions that you have made. I just need someone to listen while I muddle through the mess in my mind. And while that is happening I feel I want to remain hopeful and faithful to my man.

I thank everyone for their input and kind words, but I suppose I need to ask if there is anyone out there who stuck through it and it all came good I would love to hear those perspectives too.

m1k3

No worries, you sound pretty much like I did when I first came here except with a lot less anger.

If you look around there was a thread recently about that and there are people here who's spouses became sober and they are still together. Sadly it's not near as many as you would like. Alcoholism can be very tough to quit when the alcoholic is committed quitting. If they are still drinking its usually just a downward spiral.

Your friend,

LosingMyMind

Don't get me wrong. I am angry all right. But I have found that crying my way through things is a lot better for me than flying off the handle. It just ends in more hurt.

The fact that he can quite happily be sober when I am around but struggles at work because of the convenience, do you think at all that there may be some hope? Sorry if I seem ignorant but I am still learning exactly what all of this means.