Can anyone give some advice on what this may mean?

Old 09-03-2013, 06:22 AM
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Can anyone give some advice on what this may mean?

My partner is going through a lot of things right now, mainly depression and alcoholism that just keep feeding each other.

I tried to talk him out of the pub tonight over the phone as we had previously agreed on but he was unable to leave and got very agitated and angry with me no matter what I said.

This is not a one off, it is getting worse and worse over time and he is now at a point where he is sleeping at his place of work which means he is skipping his medication and working the next day hungover and having not showered or eaten a decent meal, not to mention next to no sleep.

He keeps telling me that we are over and that it is whats best for me but I refuse to give up, I just cant, I love him too much.

Following these outbursts he tends to come crawling back and apologises, and seems to have every honest intent to take steps to recover and accept my help, what ever little I can offer besides love.

I received a text tonight of him saying again that it is over and I feared that this time would actually be the end. He also said not to contact him at all which I have stuck to for fear of making things worse.

After hours of anxiety and fear, (and of course finally joining this community and putting it all out there for some support,) I get a message from him telling me that he was still at the pub and wouldn't be leaving for a little while. I did not reply to this text, I really had no clue how to take it... Is he trying to get a reaction and start another fight or does he in fact care that I am at home alone and am worried about his safety and well being.

So many things were running through my head and I didn't feel like I could cope or that there was any right response in this situation.

Following my non response I received another message from him that simply said "I am just about to leave, I swear".

I am still not sure whether these attempts to contact me and let me know his whereabouts is a good thing or an attempt to get me to bite back at him.

Can anyone offer any insight as to how I should feel right now as I cant bring myself to go to sleep yet.

I am sorry for the long story but I am fast realising that anything concerning addiction is very rarely a short story.

Any advice or support is muchly appreciated.
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:31 AM
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Let him go to drink the night/s away. You will never stop him. Be thankful he's your bf n not your husband. Take care of YOU!

Your love for him is not enough to get him help. His love for himself right now isn't even enough because he's still in the pub drowning his brain. He is right about one thing though... you don't need or deserve him.

So many things you probably don't want to hear.
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:35 AM
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I know I am never going to get the answers I want to hear. I wish it was that easy. But its not.

I do not feel that this person he has become is the real person that he is. I still see the man I fell madly in love with and continue to fall in love with him every time he comes home to me.

This angry, detrimental stranger has moved in to our relationship in many forms and I just want them to leave.

We both want to give them their marching orders... That is until he has a drink.
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:41 AM
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What I have learned is that an A takes no responsibility for their action.

I tried to talk him out of the pub tonight over the phone as we had previously agreed on but he was unable to leave and got very agitated and angry with me no matter what I said.
From my experience something like what you describe above just gets worse and worse and it feeds the cycle because it allows the A in their mind to blame another for their continuing to drink.

Once I learned how to stay away from the cycle I could set my boundaries and leave the responsibility for whether or not my H drank to himself.

There's a lot of help out there for A's if they want it.

It's best for non-A's to focus on themselves. Alanon helps.

Have you tried it?

(((HUGS))) to you. I am sorry for your pain. It's not easy loving an A.
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:50 AM
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I have not tried anything in the form of outside help yet.

I have tried to deal with it alone until tonight when I realised I just cant do it alone.

I plan to go and see my councillor and would love to go and see my partners councillor also. (I know she can not tell me what is said in his sessions which honestly is none of my business and I don't want it to be my business, but I feel that she may be able to give the most relevant advice to me based on her knowledge of his situation.)

I have looked into Alanon tonight after it was suggested to me and am waiting for a reply from them regarding meetings in my area.

I joined SR tonight to try to cope through tonights struggles at least. Chances are there will be many more posts from me as I do not know of many other forms of help that could be given outside of business hours which is the times that I struggle the most.

There is only so much I can burden my family and friends before they themselves find it all too much.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by LosingMyMind View Post
I have looked into Alanon tonight after it was suggested to me and am waiting for a reply from them regarding meetings in my area.

There is only so much I can burden my family and friends before they themselves find it all too much.
In my area, the Alanon office does the best it can, but since all who work there are volunteers, they are only staffed for certain hours and on certain days. A response from them may or may not be quick, based on that. Here is a link to find Alanon meetings http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting so you don't have to wait for someone to contact you.

There is another thread going here about burning out one's friends and family w/constant talk about the A and the problems he causes. You are wise to realize this can become a problem and to start building yourself a support network outside of your family and friends.

One more thing I want to respond to is your mention of wishing you could talk to your A's counselor so you would have better knowledge of his situation. With all due respect, he is showing you pretty clearly what his situation is already, especially if you look at his actions rather than his words, as I've seen advised here many times. No need to wish for more info there, it doesn't look like....

As mentioned earlier in this thread, you'll do better to put the focus on yourself and what YOU want from life rather than look to your A for that. If you keep reading, both here and whatever Alanon literature you can lay your hands on, as well as posting here and attending Alanon meetings, you'll start to have a very different picture of what's happening, and you'll start to know what you want to (and what you CAN) do about it.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:27 AM
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Hi Honeypig,

I am grateful for your advice but I feel I should clarify myself in regards to seeing my partners councillor.

I understand the position he is in, I know his history. The reasons for me wanting to see her is to get advice on what I can do for me and for him that will be the most relevant and helpful advice. My councillor can offer help but I do not feel all of her advice will be the most helpful as she is only seeing one side of the story.

I also think that perhaps my partners councillor seeing my side and my recount of things could also help her to treat my partner in the best way.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by LosingMyMind View Post
I do not feel that this person he has become is the real person that he is. I still see the man I fell madly in love with and continue to fall in love with him every time he comes home to me.
But this is him. Sure, you can rationalize it away by hanging onto the guy you thought he was, but hon, this is who he is now. How much time do you want to spend waiting for something you may never see again? How much of your life do you want to give up for what may be nothing but a fantasy?
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:00 AM
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Tuffgirl,

I see your point, but how much of my life do I want to have thrown away, only to realise that if I had stuck it out we would be fine?

I already lost 4 years of my life to depression, I will not lose more because I simply gave up again.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:04 AM
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It's not giving up. It's defining your own personal standards on how the men in your life will treat you. How you want your life to look. Obviously this is a problem for you or you wouldn't be posting about it here.

A great book to read is Under the Influence. You can find it on Amazon.com. Best to know what you are facing now, because it rarely gets better. And if things do change - i.e. he gets sober - one never knows if that change will be for the better or worse. Or as some here find out, the only thing that changes is he's no longer an angry drunk. Now he's an angry sober man.

There are no guarantees in life. And none of us has a crystal ball to predict the future, but past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, and this guy isn't close to being done drinking.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:24 AM
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He's an alcoholic. He put on a facade to get you into his life n now that you are there, he's showing you who he really is. That guy you met n fell in love with is a hostage to the bottle n now, you are too... unless you decide for yourself you don't want to be.

This is a life long disease. Is it manageable? Yes! But by him only! You must know, you can not n will not have any say in it and until you understand that, well... welcome to HELL!
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:26 AM
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Hi Losing, I know what it's like to be in that position. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. There is nothing I can tell you that will make things better but I can share some experience that worked for me.

The 3 c's is one of the first things I learned at SR.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

I had to learn to let go of the magical thinking, she my wife for the person she really was and start making some decisions.

I also learned that I could improve the quality of my life by starting to take care of myself first and letting my wife take care of herself as well. She was an adult and had the right to be an alcoholic if that's what she wanted. If she wasn't ready to quit then she wasn't ready. None of my business.

By giving up trying to control her life I found more time to live mine. That allowed me to get my life in order, put myself first for a change and move on.

I strongly recommend Al-Anon. It literally saved my life along with this site. Try several meetings as each has it's own flavor.

only to realise that if I had stuck it out we would be fine?
I just wanted comment on this little bit that you posted. I was married for 36 years to my wife. The last 15 plus were with an active alcoholic. I kept thinking I could love her enough to get her through this, that I could find the right Doctor or rehab to get her through this, that I could find enough strength to drag her out of this.

I couldn't, none of it. Until she wants to quit there is nothing I can do. Don't do like I did and get caught in the trap that you can make their recovery work.

I did find that if I work on myself I could get better. Today my life drama free, content and happy.

Your friend,
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:30 AM
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I just honestly do not know if I am ready to let go... Or if I will ever be able to.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:40 AM
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Originally Posted by LosingMyMind View Post
I just honestly do not know if I am ready to let go... Or if I will ever be able to.
That's ok, you're not going to solve this today.

Baby steps are a good start. I simply started with some little stuff. Doing some stuff for myself that I liked, things that I could do alone. Going for walks, the library or even movies. I also learned to say 'no'. Just because she wanted to do something or needed help with something didn't mean I had to do it.
Someone posted here that if you never say no then your yes's are meaningless.

It seems like a simple beginning now but I remember how hard it was to make these first little baby steps. It just felt wrong not to be putting her first.

Now it seems normal.

Your friend,
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:48 AM
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I don't know how things got this bad...
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:51 AM
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Hi there,
(((hugs))) to you across the ocean. I am so sorry for your anguish; I know it well. I was in a similar situation with my XABF over the past year. As others have said, the pain of loving an active alcoholic is excruciating, and you need all the support you can get.

I agree that you must educate yourself as much as you can about this affliction - not for him, but for you. As you will learn, alcoholism is progressive and devastating to body, mind and soul, and makes everyone who loves the A sicker and sicker, too.

But there is help, and there is hope, if you are willing to turn the energy and attention you are currently directing at him to YOURSELF.

You don't need to "let go" right now; if and when that time comes, you will know and you will be ready.

Meanwhile, your councilor, your friends and family, Alanon and SR can provide wisdom, compassion - and probably some very straight talk - to help get you through.

Keep posting and reading, it really helps.
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Old 09-03-2013, 08:59 AM
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I somehow feel more helpless than when I started posting tonight.

I know I am not going to like the answers I get, I know there is truth in the words too.

In the end I am hearing more and more about stories where you just walk away.

I do not want to face that reality.

I finally found the man that can cause me to look in a mirror and see myself truly as the beautiful, amazing person that he sees.

He would tell me every day how beautiful I am, how I make him a better person... But now I have to ask where did that all go?

If I make him a better person then how are we in this mess?

I can not imagine ever wanting anyone else in my life than him.

We are a family and family doesn't give up.

As much as I am hurting right now I can not handle the feeling of losing him.
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Old 09-03-2013, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by LosingMyMind View Post
I finally found the man that can cause me to look in a mirror and see myself truly as the beautiful, amazing person that he sees. He would tell me every day how beautiful I am, how I make him a better person... But now I have to ask where did that all go?
Oh boy does this resonate with me. I know exactly how you feel. I am so sorry, too, because I know it hurts very deeply.

All I can tell you is that it was not until I learned to look in the mirror and truly see myself as a beautiful person worthy of love, regardless of whether I had someone else in my life to validate that did I ever experience true happiness or attract healthy people into my life. You don't need someone else to prove that you have value in this world. In fact, no one else is even capable of such a thing. It is a gift that only you can give yourself. I hope that one day you do. Until then please stick around here for support and understanding. We get you.

(((hugs)))
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Old 09-03-2013, 09:48 AM
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How long have you been together?
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Old 09-03-2013, 09:51 AM
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Hey--go easy on yourself. If it is still nighttime where you are, just try to get through today, don't jump ahead to the rest of your life.

There is a lot of wonderful advice and support on SR. Hope you will stick around even if some of the posts make you uncomfortable.

One thing I've learned here is that people's ideas about their situation evolve as they learn more and think about where they are. Al-Anon seems to be particularly good in getting back a quality of life, whether you decide to leave or stay. Things can be better for you, even if your partner doesn't get better. This is great news, since you have no control over whether he gets better or not.

You don't need to panic about leaving or staying today! Hang in there. And keep posting and reading.

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