Can anyone give some advice on what this may mean?
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With all due respect, you keep saying this above. Are you trying to talk yourself out of what your intuition already knows?
We've all done it. Some of us for years, some for a few months, some to keep the family intact, some out of a fantasy of what could be, if only...
But then reality hits us again and again. You may not want to give up today, but a day may come when its a choice between drowning along with him or being a survivor and doing the right thing for you, for your kids.
And here's something else I want to clarify - alcohol does not turn a wonderful person into a monster. It tends to remove inhibitions and releases emotions these folks otherwise keep a tight lid on. Be careful not to put too much blame on the substance, because underneath its effects is a person with a lot of issues.
We've all done it. Some of us for years, some for a few months, some to keep the family intact, some out of a fantasy of what could be, if only...
But then reality hits us again and again. You may not want to give up today, but a day may come when its a choice between drowning along with him or being a survivor and doing the right thing for you, for your kids.
And here's something else I want to clarify - alcohol does not turn a wonderful person into a monster. It tends to remove inhibitions and releases emotions these folks otherwise keep a tight lid on. Be careful not to put too much blame on the substance, because underneath its effects is a person with a lot of issues.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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That is the nature of the beast. His alcoholism is going to make YOU sicker than he is. And if you don't get a hold of yourself, it will take you down.
You are so young, only 23 years old. I can't imagine him being much older, if not a little younger than you. He;s got himself in a heap load of trouble but you must ask yourself this... How did he ever survive without you? HE DID! He does not need you to drink. He does not need you to eat. He does not need you to breathe for him. He doesn't even need the love of that child of his because he would drink just like he did last night.
He will navigate this world without you. All he has to do is continue doing what he's doing. He may even better like it if you got out of his way because you are causing him grief and even though you did not make him drunk, he will tell you that you are the reason for it.
If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to run hard n run fast and don't ever look back!
You are so young, only 23 years old. I can't imagine him being much older, if not a little younger than you. He;s got himself in a heap load of trouble but you must ask yourself this... How did he ever survive without you? HE DID! He does not need you to drink. He does not need you to eat. He does not need you to breathe for him. He doesn't even need the love of that child of his because he would drink just like he did last night.
He will navigate this world without you. All he has to do is continue doing what he's doing. He may even better like it if you got out of his way because you are causing him grief and even though you did not make him drunk, he will tell you that you are the reason for it.
If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to run hard n run fast and don't ever look back!
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Originally Posted by LosingMyMind 
Even if this is a success story after a while, how could I trust enough that there would not be a relapse when things are more complicated and there are more children's lives in the mix?
I know this answer already. But it tears me apart because I don't want that life. But I also do not want a life where I put my children at risk.
I know this answer already. But it tears me apart because I don't want that life. But I also do not want a life where I put my children at risk.
A woman once told me, imagine a cucumber. We are all cucumbers. Now pickle it. This is what an alcoholic does, they pickle themselves. They will never be a cucumber again.
If you don't want that life, do the next best thing and say adios. It won't get better with you trying to save the day. You'll only breed resentment and he will not conform to your views. BTDT n ruined the tshirt.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Yes I am in denial. It's the only place I know how to be right now.
He does have issues, as have / do I. I thought his step to go to the doctor about his depression (of his own accord) would be a step in the right direction.
All I have seen since is this other person take over him more and more often.
I seriously thought the biggest thing we faced was his depression and all that that means. Depression I can handle because I understand completely where he is coming from and what his mind is like.
The alcohol abuse though... It's a whole other world to me and I just don't know how to go about things.
Yes I have said I'm in denial. But I believe that the alcoholism is not the cause of the depression, it is his coping mechanism and has been for enough time for it to have all the power.
Depression is manageable. In his case at least. I know this. But here in front of me is a lethal mix of apathy and poison. Along with a licence to drive and severely impaired judgement.
He does have issues, as have / do I. I thought his step to go to the doctor about his depression (of his own accord) would be a step in the right direction.
All I have seen since is this other person take over him more and more often.
I seriously thought the biggest thing we faced was his depression and all that that means. Depression I can handle because I understand completely where he is coming from and what his mind is like.
The alcohol abuse though... It's a whole other world to me and I just don't know how to go about things.
Yes I have said I'm in denial. But I believe that the alcoholism is not the cause of the depression, it is his coping mechanism and has been for enough time for it to have all the power.
Depression is manageable. In his case at least. I know this. But here in front of me is a lethal mix of apathy and poison. Along with a licence to drive and severely impaired judgement.
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As you are quickly finding out, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will get worse if he continues on. You will never have a splendid relationship with that GORILLA hanging off his back.
Alcohol is also a depressant. So he is depressed now, he's really going to be depressed with a vat of beer in him.
Alcohol is also a depressant. So he is depressed now, he's really going to be depressed with a vat of beer in him.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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My husband is 55 years old and he has NO IDEA, other than being sober for 20 years, how to deal with normal human emotions without alcohol.
He told me when we first got together (he's my first alcoholic), I've been sober for 20 years. And ya know what? My dumb ass felt safe with him. This was in 2010. So here I am thinking, what a great guy and then the lies started soon after we married. Nothing was making sense. I was finding vodka bottles everywhere! He was drinking and driving! I figured out he had my dumb ass (again) on the bike drunk! I had no clue because perhaps I had my head shoved so far up my ass in holy bliss and it has all come crashing down.
I wouldn't believe him if his tongue came notorized!
I looked him in the eye n told him what a effin farce he is and was! How he bamboozled me into this relationship thinking he had his life in order n how could he do such a vile thing. He said, I wanted you.
When he's a drunk he's a self centered ***** that can only think of himself and ya know what, your man is no different. There is nothing you nor I can say to either of them to get them to stop because I bet you've heard the *Baby, I love you and I'm going to stop this bullsh!t right now* speal.
When you think you're in the basement... there is a trap door to a whole new basement. You will not define his rock bottom and neither will I.
He told me when we first got together (he's my first alcoholic), I've been sober for 20 years. And ya know what? My dumb ass felt safe with him. This was in 2010. So here I am thinking, what a great guy and then the lies started soon after we married. Nothing was making sense. I was finding vodka bottles everywhere! He was drinking and driving! I figured out he had my dumb ass (again) on the bike drunk! I had no clue because perhaps I had my head shoved so far up my ass in holy bliss and it has all come crashing down.
I wouldn't believe him if his tongue came notorized!
I looked him in the eye n told him what a effin farce he is and was! How he bamboozled me into this relationship thinking he had his life in order n how could he do such a vile thing. He said, I wanted you.
When he's a drunk he's a self centered ***** that can only think of himself and ya know what, your man is no different. There is nothing you nor I can say to either of them to get them to stop because I bet you've heard the *Baby, I love you and I'm going to stop this bullsh!t right now* speal.
When you think you're in the basement... there is a trap door to a whole new basement. You will not define his rock bottom and neither will I.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I know. I know I can do nothing at all but this feeling of helplessness is killing me and I don't know how to stop loving him and caring for him.
Right now I need to speak to someone but there is no one to call.
I have just put my life on hold to traipse around multiple doctors surgeries and councillors offices to try to get the help that I need. I don't feel that I could go to alanon alone, not at this point. But I do not know if I will have any friend available to come with me and I fear that I will just not go for fear of walking in alone.
The beautiful, amazing person I fell in love with is gone. And I am losing the beautiful, amazing person I have become because of it. How can you face being alone when all you want is the person to be well and with you?
Right now I need to speak to someone but there is no one to call.
I have just put my life on hold to traipse around multiple doctors surgeries and councillors offices to try to get the help that I need. I don't feel that I could go to alanon alone, not at this point. But I do not know if I will have any friend available to come with me and I fear that I will just not go for fear of walking in alone.
The beautiful, amazing person I fell in love with is gone. And I am losing the beautiful, amazing person I have become because of it. How can you face being alone when all you want is the person to be well and with you?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Just recently I felt like my heart would explode. It is hard not to worry. I have worried myself sick over the last 8 weeks especially due to his brain injury and him drinking on top of it that I just had to say eff it. He's going to drink more if I fight for him. It felt like my heart was being ripped out.
Letting that go was hard but my heart feels so much better. I don't feel the emense pressure like I did a couple weeks ago. He actually saw the change and asked me, Who are you talking too? I used to hang onto his words when he'd say, I'm never doing this again! I'm done! I can't keep doing this to me n you! I'm sorry! and like you, I'd forgive and he was right back at it. Now when he speaks, I say... ok. uh huh... alrighty. I'm to the point now, 2 years into our marriage where I want you to show me instead of telling me!
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! If your man can't show you he's actively caring for himself, he can't ******** you into believing it! Right? It takes time to get here. It isn't easy either but once you do, he'll know the gig is up.
Letting that go was hard but my heart feels so much better. I don't feel the emense pressure like I did a couple weeks ago. He actually saw the change and asked me, Who are you talking too? I used to hang onto his words when he'd say, I'm never doing this again! I'm done! I can't keep doing this to me n you! I'm sorry! and like you, I'd forgive and he was right back at it. Now when he speaks, I say... ok. uh huh... alrighty. I'm to the point now, 2 years into our marriage where I want you to show me instead of telling me!
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! If your man can't show you he's actively caring for himself, he can't ******** you into believing it! Right? It takes time to get here. It isn't easy either but once you do, he'll know the gig is up.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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What are your hobbies? What do you like to do in your spare time? What makes you happy?
I bet, since you've been in this relationship and you found out that there is definitely a problem that you've left your hobbies go. Things that had made you happy, you can't find the strength to do because you are consumed with him and his problem. The key word is *his* problem, not yours.
Now ask yourself, what has he given up for you? Does he still do things that make him happy? I would take a wild guess n say he hasn't given anything up so why should you?
You and only you will be the defining factor in this because he's already bailed on you whether it was his intention or not, he has a problem that is bigger than you. You will never fix it. And for that, I'm sorry. When you accept it, your life will be more manageable.
I bet, since you've been in this relationship and you found out that there is definitely a problem that you've left your hobbies go. Things that had made you happy, you can't find the strength to do because you are consumed with him and his problem. The key word is *his* problem, not yours.
Now ask yourself, what has he given up for you? Does he still do things that make him happy? I would take a wild guess n say he hasn't given anything up so why should you?
You and only you will be the defining factor in this because he's already bailed on you whether it was his intention or not, he has a problem that is bigger than you. You will never fix it. And for that, I'm sorry. When you accept it, your life will be more manageable.
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I just spoke to the people at alanon and I feel a little better. I still do not know if I can bring myself to make that step but what else am I supposed to do? I have also booked an appointment with my doctor to see me councillor and get help, along with booking an appointment with my partners family doctor for myself to see if perhaps there could be another perspective given. (Perhaps I will be disappointed but again what other choice do I have?)
I can't give up on him or make that decision right now as you have all agreed with but I now see that the only way that I can cope right now, with or without him, is to get the tools to help strengthen myself so I can make what feels like the biggest decision of my life.
Help can not come soon enough.
I can't give up on him or make that decision right now as you have all agreed with but I now see that the only way that I can cope right now, with or without him, is to get the tools to help strengthen myself so I can make what feels like the biggest decision of my life.
Help can not come soon enough.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Well, those are great first steps! And like I said, do as much research as you can. Read, ask questions, talk to people. I went to a lot of open AA meetings and learned a lot from the recovering alcoholics there, on top of Al-Anon & a sponsor, a therapist, and this forum. I made every darn effort I could think of and still - in the end I had to let the marriage go. But when I made that decision, I was 100% ready for it, even though I hated doing it then and hate that it had to be done now.
I loved my ex husband. But I love me more. And from this point forward, I will always put myself first, because no one else will. This last year has been amazing! Peaceful, quiet, and productive. I've gotten back to my favorite hobbies, sports, and activities. Made new friends, went on some dates, and lost 20 pounds. My daughters are healthy and happy. We love our new home and new life. I am happy and content, and grateful for all that I have today.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel. I promise.
~T
I loved my ex husband. But I love me more. And from this point forward, I will always put myself first, because no one else will. This last year has been amazing! Peaceful, quiet, and productive. I've gotten back to my favorite hobbies, sports, and activities. Made new friends, went on some dates, and lost 20 pounds. My daughters are healthy and happy. We love our new home and new life. I am happy and content, and grateful for all that I have today.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel. I promise.
~T
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I just don't know how to make it through today and tonight. My appointment with my doctor is tomorrow which I booked because the appointment with his is nearly 3 weeks away and I just can't wait that long for help. His doctor does not usually take on new patients, she very much is a 'family doctor' so I am so grateful to her for hearing my plea and agreeing to take an appointment with me. It may not achieve much, or anything at all really (for myself at least) but I hope that in the least it may give her extra information to be able to offer the best tools to my man. And if that can help then I am happy. And even if it does not I know I have done everything within my power to save myself, to offer a stepping stone for my man and at the very least (or rather of the utmost importance) save my step son from losing his father completely.
I love them both so much and now it's time to show myself some compassion too.
I love them both so much and now it's time to show myself some compassion too.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. My qualifier is my son, who is only 22. I know how painful it is to watch someone you love destroy their life. I'm not a Dr. but I am versed in depression and anxiety as my son and I both have suffered from it terribly over the years. My daughter is a Dr. and she has given me advice on meds and mental illness. I don't know if his medication is an antidepressant or a medication for anxiety such as a benzo (Xanax, Valium). They're 2 very different types of medication . It's never wise to mix an antidepressant with alcohol, but it's extremely dangerous to mix a benzo with alcohol. Also, alcohol is a depressant so it counteracts the efficacy of the antidepressant. If he's drinking while taking it it won't even help his depression. Alcoholism causes depression and anxiety so he won't get better until he stops drinking. My son was on antidepressants which stopped working because of his alcohol consumption. His depression caused him to drink more, which caused more depression. It was hideous. As a mom I would've done anything to make it better for him and tried at first. But nothing changed until I detached (as difficult as it was) and let it go. He hit his bottom and is now 9 months sober. I denied enabling him in any way while he was drinking, but I really didn't understand or realize I was doing it. I thought I was helping him, when in reality I was helping him hurt himself. Everything i thought would help my son was really wrong to do. AlAnon can help you to understand. I also realized he never cared what he was putting us through when he was drinking. We cared, but he really didn't. I went to AlAnon, a counselor, and my MD. It helped me. It sounds like you're taking the right steps to help you.
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I now know that he is alive and relatively safe. But as for tonight it will once again be the struggle between his will and the bottle. And whatever happens tonight, there is the same struggle tomorrow, and the next day and the next day and the next. I know that come Friday if he does not go to work as it is his day off, then things will be alright. At least until he is back at work again.
I think that before you are faced with someone in your life with a problem you have this idea that every alcoholic is the same (and in the end, yes they are when it comes to the struggle and heartache) but I will admit that for me, until now, I thought all alcoholics were unable to be sober at all, no matter what day or occasion etc. yes it is naive of me to have thought this but what the hell would I know? This is my first experience with it all.
Yes there is the family member that gets drunk at special occasions and makes a fool out if themselves but you really don't know what is happening or are affected too much by it because you rarely see them outside of the 'special occasion' situation and no one really speaks of it.
I think what is the hardest part to understand for me is that it doesn't take being drunk every minute if every day to make you an alcoholic.
Although my man can be sober on his days off and weekends where there are no nights out with mates, and is satisfied with just one glass of wine with dinner on occasion, his downfall is the pub across the road from work. He has a problem regardless of the frequency in which it happens.
He feels powerless to walk past that door and not go inside, and once inside he feels powerless to stop and walk out. He binges and it bloody scares me.
I may not be able to stop him drinking but I can not fathom how to cope if it takes his life completely, whether I am with him or not.
He will always be someone that I care about even if in the end it is simply for the sake of my step son.
I think that before you are faced with someone in your life with a problem you have this idea that every alcoholic is the same (and in the end, yes they are when it comes to the struggle and heartache) but I will admit that for me, until now, I thought all alcoholics were unable to be sober at all, no matter what day or occasion etc. yes it is naive of me to have thought this but what the hell would I know? This is my first experience with it all.
Yes there is the family member that gets drunk at special occasions and makes a fool out if themselves but you really don't know what is happening or are affected too much by it because you rarely see them outside of the 'special occasion' situation and no one really speaks of it.
I think what is the hardest part to understand for me is that it doesn't take being drunk every minute if every day to make you an alcoholic.
Although my man can be sober on his days off and weekends where there are no nights out with mates, and is satisfied with just one glass of wine with dinner on occasion, his downfall is the pub across the road from work. He has a problem regardless of the frequency in which it happens.
He feels powerless to walk past that door and not go inside, and once inside he feels powerless to stop and walk out. He binges and it bloody scares me.
I may not be able to stop him drinking but I can not fathom how to cope if it takes his life completely, whether I am with him or not.
He will always be someone that I care about even if in the end it is simply for the sake of my step son.
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I am not ready to give up just yet. If he asks me for help I will most likely oblige but I think what is best for me right now is to find ways to cope with the disappointment and heartache in a productive way for myself.
This is probably me enabling him, I know. But I am very much a 'what if' person and until I can control that side of myself I can't help but think 'what if this is the day that he can show some hope and improvement'?
This has not been an overly long road for us in this situation so I do still have hope that he can manage.
I take on board all the experience and advice given out here and understand that there does become that point where you have to walk sometimes. I just do not feel all hope is lost to us just yet. It may be the case but I am willing to give a chance while starting to protect myself against the downfalls.
Perhaps one day all my love will simply run out for him and I will be able to walk away, but again 'what if' recovery is just around the corner for us?
'What if' this is all just a mess of medication and detrimental thoughts?
I know that essentially this is exactly what an alcoholic is... Detrimental to everything and everyone. But if I lose all faith in this moment I don't know if I could save myself.
This is probably me enabling him, I know. But I am very much a 'what if' person and until I can control that side of myself I can't help but think 'what if this is the day that he can show some hope and improvement'?
This has not been an overly long road for us in this situation so I do still have hope that he can manage.
I take on board all the experience and advice given out here and understand that there does become that point where you have to walk sometimes. I just do not feel all hope is lost to us just yet. It may be the case but I am willing to give a chance while starting to protect myself against the downfalls.
Perhaps one day all my love will simply run out for him and I will be able to walk away, but again 'what if' recovery is just around the corner for us?
'What if' this is all just a mess of medication and detrimental thoughts?
I know that essentially this is exactly what an alcoholic is... Detrimental to everything and everyone. But if I lose all faith in this moment I don't know if I could save myself.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
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The decision to stay or leave is a process. You don't have to make it today, tomorrow, or even next week. When/if that time arrives, you will know when it's time to say enough. Just don't let the insanity go on so long that you lose yourself. There are many of us here I think who wish we'd gone a long time ago.
Best of luck to you both, sending hugs and prayers.
Best of luck to you both, sending hugs and prayers.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by LosingMyMind
I just want what is best for him and wish I had the power to make him see it too.
Sorry I can't quote more than one thread-- I think you said you need a place where people will listen while you sort things out in your head. That much, we can do.
I am very sorry, I know from my own life, the point where you are feels very bad. When you have no experience with alcoholism (or maybe if you do, I didn't, so that's what I can empathize with) it's like hitting a brick wall the first time you realize how big the problem really is. And it hurts just as much. Please be gentle with yourself, treat yourself like someone who is in pain and needs extra care.
--BG
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LosingMyMind
I thought I found the man of my dreams until he beat me in an A rage. He wasnt who I thought he was. I had to move on before one of us got hurt. I invite you to concentrate on you and your health. Loves.
I thought I found the man of my dreams until he beat me in an A rage. He wasnt who I thought he was. I had to move on before one of us got hurt. I invite you to concentrate on you and your health. Loves.
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