LosingMyMind

He walked past the pub today all by himself. I talked him through the rest of the blocks to the station but he walked right by the pub without anything more than his own will.

I am proud of him, though I know there are still rocky times ahead for him.

BoxinRotz

I'm going to assume this is a fairly new relationship then based off of this. I asked you before n was dismissed. I, at the time, thought it was a valid question and still do because it's not particularly healthy to throw everything, including the kitchen sink at this new relationship considering the heartache that he is putting on you with his alcoholism. He is showing you who he is. Believe him!!!

As everyone has stated before, you don't have to leave today or tomorrow or next month for that matter BUT, you are so young and you should not waste your youth being tied down to an alcoholic and taking care of his responsibilities because he's drunk.

Knowing what I know, if I were 23 with no kids to him and in this, I'd get the hell out!!!! It's unfortunate that he has a small child involved. That child is not your responsibility even though you do love the child. The baby has it's mother right?

LosingMyMind

The struggles we are facing have not been around very long. About a couple of months of things progressively getting worse.

Yes, his child is not my blood but that does not mean that I do not consider him my family.

We have been together less than a year.

LosingMyMind

And yes, his biological mother is still on the scene.

BoxinRotz

Have you asked yourself or her why they are not together? Maybe you should. You may find what you are seeking. You will probably pin down more erratic behavior. You may even find that what you hear will make your decisions easier, whatever that may be.

They are not together for a reason. Ask yourself, why that is?

LosingMyMind

I know exactly why they are not together. It was all on her, nothing to do with him.

BoxinRotz

Says him? Or did you ask her too?

LosingMyMind

I do not have contact with her. It is not something that my man would have any reason to lie about. And I have known since I first met him, before we started dating exactly what the situation was. Yes it is only coming from his mouth but there is no logical reason for why someone would lie about that.

BoxinRotz

If he's hiding an addiction, he's got every reason in the world to lie to you. Alcoholics lie to protect their drink. They will lie about anything to anyone.

m1k3

Hi Losing, glad he made it home from work with no issues. ((((hugs))))

As I was looking over your posts it really hit me how much you post like I did when I first arrived at SR. Everything was us, we and her. I never said I unless it was I want to make her better or I have to help her. The only thing I wanted was for her to get better so we could be us again.

As I have learned over the last several years that was a really unhealthy way of thinking for me. There was no 'me' outside of my relationship. It felt wrong for me to think of me first. I have now come to understand that I can't really love someone else if I don't love me. Sounds really narcissistic doesn't it? But, it's true, without self love and self esteem I had nothing to give, I was hollow.

I can honestly say now that I love me. Thanks to this site, Al-Anon and a whole lot of hard work on myself I can honestly say there is no one I'd rather be than me.

Your friend,

LosingMyMind

And yet this is not the case. It isn't a lie.

m1k3

Alcoholic lie, all of them. My AW would lie about the dumbest stuff no one cared about and really important stuff as well.

Your friend,

Wisconsin

Jumping in here to say that my AH had a similar attitude about HIS ex when we got together. In retrospect, I wish I would have a more realistic attitude about this--very, very few relationships end in a way that is 100% all one person's fault. With very few exceptions, there is ALWAYS plenty of blame to go around, plenty of dysfunction and behavior that undermines and damages the relationship. One person's wrongdoing might be more obvious, or more frowned upon from society's perspective (for example, cheating). But none of us are blameless in our relationships, and the fact that my AH clearly thought he had never done a single thing wrong or contributed in any way to the demise of a 6-year relationship should have been a big red flag for me. He wasn't LYING about anything, he just truly, honestly was (and still is) not capable of seeing his role in things, and where he had attitudes and behaviors that might need changing.

LosingMyMind

Thanks Mike.

I am slowly getting there. It is hard how it affects me. He is right next to me now and I am so calm and happy and feel like we could be one of the lucky ones here.

But I of course have not changed my plans at all to get help for myself. I will need it in days to come I know.

But for now... Now is good.

LosingMyMind

I am not saying it was all her fault, what I am getting at is that in the end, it was her choice, her actions, her wish for things to end.

This is a new problem for my man. Not a pre existing one.

honeypig

If you're wondering when the pain stops, maybe this will help answer your questions. Then again, maybe not. You might not be where you need to be yet. Anyway, here it is.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

m1k3

If he is at this point it is not a new problem. Alcoholics are very good at hiding their drinking, how much they are drinking and lots of the issues that come from their drinking. By the time it falls apart like this they have been drinking excessively for a lot longer than you realize. Based on the fact that you have only been together a year or so I would guess that he had a serious drinking problem long before he met you.

Your friend,

BoxinRotz

Reading your post, I imagine a beautiful garden. (You are the flower) And here he is, the gardener, blowing through ruining everything that you stand for.

He is going to damage you, your sense of worth, what you stand for, your inner peace, everything! He's chomping through your garden and he will leave you in ruins.

LosingMyMind

Well then it's all messed up with no hope and no point in even trying then.

m1k3

Not true. Put the focus on yourself and your recovery, that's what worked for me. By focusing on myself I learned to hope again and better yet see results. Because of this site and Al-Anon I am in a place where I am happy and content.

You can get there as well by focusing on your own recovery. If he ends up working a recovery then that's icing on the cake. But, your recovery, your contentment and your happiness do not depend on him. They depend on you.

Your friend,