OnawaMiniya

I need to talk. My emotions and hormones are all over the place. I can't talk to him.

I will likely ask an admin to remove this thread eventually, I didn't want to post it but I need to talk. I could go to a forum for just that but I have built trust with those here.

I'm sorry if the post title triggered anyone. I didn't know how to put it so it wouldn't.

If you would rather pm me, I get it, it's personal. Like I said I didn't really want to post this but I need help coping.

I just can't turn to him.

Though he's showing signs of evolving and even admitted out of the blue and without prompting he is an alcoholic (!), He's just not...I just can't. God forbid I overwhelm him while he drinks and is a blast for me to deal with. The only time he's sober are at lunch and right after work, and that's not a good time for him. I wouldn't but what am I supposed to do, wait until he's good and drunk and nasty? I'm done turning to him for now.

I know he's upset too. We've talked. It's still all about him and his problems though ultimately, in general everyday life.

If he knew better he'd do better but he doesn't and I'm feeling very alone.

Thanks everyone.

LexieCat

I'm so sorry, Onawa--am I understanding you to say you have just had a miscarriage? I had one the first time I was pregnant. It was VERY upsetting for me, even though I was only a couple of months along.

Seren

I'm really so very sorry, Onawa, to hear about the loss of your precious child. I have never been able to have children, and I can only just imagine how very painful this must be. How are you feeling?

dandylion

Yes, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, and I felt very devastated.

dandylion

SomewhereElse

I am so very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in between my 2nd and 3rd children. It was totally devastating. I understand how you must be feeling right now. Vent away *hugs*

keepingmyjoy1

I am so sorry. I also had a miscarriage...in fact I started hemorrhaging and had to drive myself to the emergency room because he was drunk and passed on the chair. He actually yelled at me to leave him alone when I was trying to find out where the hospital was (we just moved there and he grew up in the area). I had to have emergency surgery--it was an awful time.

I also could not turn to him for any emotional support. It hurts. My heart goes out to you. We are with you. You are not alone. Hugs. I will keep you in my prayers that you find comfort.

OnawaMiniya

Thank you all. So hard to talk about. I think I needed women to understand. I'll try to open up a bit more later. I've been crying and have a headache and I'm so tired. Not really sleeping well.

I feel safe here, I considered posting on a topic specific forum but I feel safe here, plus his alcoholism is just in the background as always.

I felt so bad for him. I'm not trying to hate on him. At all. He took care of me though he did some insanely ridiculous things during. I couldn't be bothered to really engage. It wasn't my priority at the time. But he sobbed on my lap after. I know he's upset too. Mixed feelings here. Hormones aren't helping!

Thanks.

OnawaMiniya

It helps just to have women tell me it's ok. Thank you all.

keepingmyjoy1

You go right ahead and share whatever you need or want to...for me, I needed time to cry and grieve. I didn't sleep well either, and that was even with all the anesthesia in me from the surgery. There are so many mixed feelings that you will have anyway and to have the alcoholic mixed in makes it so much harder. I really was not interested in hearing about his feelings whatsoever after not being there for me. Just remember, it is ok for you to take care of you right now. Gosh, my heart is just so hurting for you. Hugs.

soberlicious

Yes, I had an ectopic pregnancy. They removed my tube. It was emotionally devastating.

People said, "Don't worry...you'll have others." I did and the sadness passed, but I will always remember...

Sadness is an appropriate feeling right now. I'm sorry you are going through this.

LexieCat

I think that, in some ways, the grief of a miscarriage is like grief for loss of the alcoholic. A big part of it is the loss of the happy future we envisioned. Not that we will never be happy again, but that particular dream--that specific one--is gone.

And I know when it happened the first time I was pregnant I was so afraid that I would be one of those women to whom it would happen over and over. I was really superstitious almost, the next time--didn't tell ANYONE for the first trimester.

And nobody who hasn't been through it really gets how much of a loss it is--especially early on.

BoxinRotz

I am so sorry Ona!

I have never lost a pregnancy but I feel, if I ever did, I would be a complete mess over it. Please, accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your pregnancy.

lillamy

I have three children. I've lost three; one of them in the second trimester. Your pain is not only acceptable, it's unavoidable and raw and horrid and it's OK

I'm not saying a man can't understand the pain, but an alcoholic man can't. Mine insisted there was never a child. That it was ridiculous to grieve someone you had never met. (I'm stunned in retrospect that I didn't leave him then.)

When an old relative dies, you grieve because you miss their presence. I think when you lose a child, you grieve the future you had already imagined for them - all the firsts that they will never get to experience.

I'm sorry if this makes you more sad but I wanted to share what I felt like. Talk as much or as little as you want. Just know that anything you're feeling is OK.

And I am so sorry for your loss.

WhiteFeathers

I'm so very sorry .

funkynassau

I had a miscarriage about 10 weeks along and that was hard enough to deal with but after my daughter was born and before my son was born there was a stillborn at 35 weeks along when you think you are home free. You arent home free til the baby is born and is healthy. If you'd like to talk to me, I am here.

My kids are now 25 and 30 and yes you do move on, you do get over it, but it's there in the back of your mind, you dont actually ever forget but you can move on with your life.

AnonK

I lost two pregnancies. Both were very early. One for each of my alcoholic exes.

The first one pretended to have empathy for me. He knew how much having children meant to me. Even though, at this point, I knew that I shouldn't be with him, I was still devastated at the loss of our child. Of my child. If anything, he was relieved that I miscarried; he didn't want any more children (and, of course, he waited until after I miscarried to say this).

The second one was like the first one, except I didn't tell my ex. I didn't tell anyone except for one close confidant. There wasn't any point. I knew he (my second ex) wouldn't care. There was no point in upsetting those around me. So, I confided in my one friend.

To this day, I still wonder why. Why me? Why twice? Sometimes, I feel that it's because my HP doesn't think I'll be a good enough mother. Sometimes, I think it's because my HP was looking out for the best interest of my child(ren). No good would have come out of having a dysfunctional alcoholic father, no matter how good I would have been. Either way, it doesn't hurt any less. This pain is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I hope you take comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

sadielady

I am so so sorry for your loss and heartache Onawa. I haven't lost a child but two of my dearest friends have and I know the heartache and loss is a particularly deep grief that people don't seem to understand. Do come here, we are here for you. I can only imagine how this fits with your struggle with your A is incredibly hard and complicated. Do tend to yourself, be very very good to yourself.

Santa

I had two miscarriages close together. So painful, I'm sorry for you. The doctors told me I needed to wait 6 months to a year before trying again, which we did, but I could not see a pregnant woman or mom and baby during that time without feeling resentful and sad. I did eventually have two beautiful children and the pain becomes a distant memory. Be well.

wicked

I think this is so well said, I just copied it! Thank you Lexie.

I am so very sorry for your loss, and the pain of having a partner who cannot get out
of his own head long enough to know you need some real grieving time.
Even though men can feel the loss, I think it is difficult for them to understand,
especially in the early part of the pregnancy.
I felt like I lost a part of my heart.
It was very painful and I took the blame. And the shame.
(I was drinking at the time, even though with my other pregnancies I could not drink)
I do understand how lonely and alone you feel and I am so glad you have this
place to come to and get some understanding right away.
The best thing about the internet.
Immediate support.
Take care of yourself and keep reaching out.
Not your fault.

Beth

Tryingtoletgo3

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have been through that loss and I understand the hurt you are feeling. My oldest son was my lucky number 7. The 6 pregnancys before him all ended in misscarriage. After lots of genetic testing my doctor started asking about the father. Turns out alcoholism can damage the dna in sperm and can cause misscarriages due to producing fetal abnormalities.

Take the time to grieve your loss. I know how hard that can be when you are also dealing with an alcoholic partner. Sending lots of hugs and comfort your way as you make your way through this loss.