TRIGGER**anyone lose a pregnancy
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I also had a miscarriage which kick started a year long depression.
The doctors tell us how common it is, that it is almost normal and practically predictable. And what a good sign of fertility it is. All that didn't make me feel any better, but my H totally went with it. He was sure we'd have a healthy baby soon, like the doctor said we would (which we did.) Matter solved in his mind.
The men are outside the situation looking in, while we are living it in our minds and our bodies. I think a big part of what makes miscarriages so devastating is the hormonal change. The loss is felt on every level of one's being.
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I'm glad you posted here; we all care about you and want your little blue flower to bloom!
((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
The doctors tell us how common it is, that it is almost normal and practically predictable. And what a good sign of fertility it is. All that didn't make me feel any better, but my H totally went with it. He was sure we'd have a healthy baby soon, like the doctor said we would (which we did.) Matter solved in his mind.
The men are outside the situation looking in, while we are living it in our minds and our bodies. I think a big part of what makes miscarriages so devastating is the hormonal change. The loss is felt on every level of one's being.
I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I'm glad you posted here; we all care about you and want your little blue flower to bloom!
((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Thank you all so much for your compassion.
For those of you who have been there, I am so sorry for your losses. I'm sorry also if this thread took you to a bad place...
To everyone who responded, whether or not they have children (I do not have any children other than loss), thank you so much for reaching out. Certainly nothing against men, but it is very comforting to be surrounded by the care and concern of so many wonderful women. Sometimes, women just need each other.
To the men who reached out to me, thank you so. There is a different comfort in that, one that is also needed and valued by me. Like I said, I know my husband is terribly upset and disturbed over this as well, and I do feel for him. I know he feels for me too, but he's just not "available" if that makes sense. He is to a degree, but well, I know the alcohol is just not helping matters.
I don't want to completely trash him, talking about specifically the things he did during the miscarriage (or things before, and after). But I can't deny that his actions caused me so much stress and pain. Again, he did do certain things to take care of me, and I understand that it is horrific to watch someone go through so much physical pain (it was extremely painful physically, not just emotionally. Sweating, throwing up from pain, restless, moaning, begging, etc) and not be able to really do anything for them. To be afraid for them. I know he was afraid for me.
I know he took care of me the best he could. And he did follow me from room to room with the fan (I couldn't settle down anywhere in any position). He did bring me anything I asked for. He did clean up when I got sick.
I told him I appreciated it. And I meant it.
But honestly, I'll never be able to forget.
Thanks again everyone.
Peace.
For those of you who have been there, I am so sorry for your losses. I'm sorry also if this thread took you to a bad place...
To everyone who responded, whether or not they have children (I do not have any children other than loss), thank you so much for reaching out. Certainly nothing against men, but it is very comforting to be surrounded by the care and concern of so many wonderful women. Sometimes, women just need each other.
To the men who reached out to me, thank you so. There is a different comfort in that, one that is also needed and valued by me. Like I said, I know my husband is terribly upset and disturbed over this as well, and I do feel for him. I know he feels for me too, but he's just not "available" if that makes sense. He is to a degree, but well, I know the alcohol is just not helping matters.
I don't want to completely trash him, talking about specifically the things he did during the miscarriage (or things before, and after). But I can't deny that his actions caused me so much stress and pain. Again, he did do certain things to take care of me, and I understand that it is horrific to watch someone go through so much physical pain (it was extremely painful physically, not just emotionally. Sweating, throwing up from pain, restless, moaning, begging, etc) and not be able to really do anything for them. To be afraid for them. I know he was afraid for me.
I know he took care of me the best he could. And he did follow me from room to room with the fan (I couldn't settle down anywhere in any position). He did bring me anything I asked for. He did clean up when I got sick.
I told him I appreciated it. And I meant it.
But honestly, I'll never be able to forget.
Thanks again everyone.
Peace.
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Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
I really want to reply to this but have been a bit stand offish as I only miscarried last month so didn't know if I was in a position to advise as such as this is about you and I didn't want to bring any of my "stuff" into it. Apologies if my post isn't helpful!
My miscarraige triggered off a big relapse in my partner. Thankfully he's sober again but the whole thing was horrific. Not only are you having to deal with yourself but you're having to deal with how the addict deals with it! If I could give anyone who is with an addict and going through this any advice it would probably be to try your best to put their issues to one side. That's really difficult for us I know but things generally have a habit of always being about them. This really has to be about you. He will do whatever he is going to do and he will deal with it how he wants to. All that has to come 2nd, your, your body, mind and health has to be first.
I'm sorry you are going through this but know that it will be ok and you will get through it. I'm thinking of you.
My miscarraige triggered off a big relapse in my partner. Thankfully he's sober again but the whole thing was horrific. Not only are you having to deal with yourself but you're having to deal with how the addict deals with it! If I could give anyone who is with an addict and going through this any advice it would probably be to try your best to put their issues to one side. That's really difficult for us I know but things generally have a habit of always being about them. This really has to be about you. He will do whatever he is going to do and he will deal with it how he wants to. All that has to come 2nd, your, your body, mind and health has to be first.
I'm sorry you are going through this but know that it will be ok and you will get through it. I'm thinking of you.
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Originally Posted by KKE 
I really want to reply to this but have been a bit stand offish as I only miscarried last month so didn't know if I was in a position to advise as such as this is about you and I didn't want to bring any of my "stuff" into it. Apologies if my post isn't helpful!
My miscarraige triggered off a big relapse in my partner. Thankfully he's sober again but the whole thing was horrific. Not only are you having to deal with yourself but you're having to deal with how the addict deals with it! If I could give anyone who is with an addict and going through this any advice it would probably be to try your best to put their issues to one side. That's really difficult for us I know but things generally have a habit of always being about them. This really has to be about you. He will do whatever he is going to do and he will deal with it how he wants to. All that has to come 2nd, your, your body, mind and health has to be first.
I'm sorry you are going through this but know that it will be ok and you will get through it. I'm thinking of you.
My miscarraige triggered off a big relapse in my partner. Thankfully he's sober again but the whole thing was horrific. Not only are you having to deal with yourself but you're having to deal with how the addict deals with it! If I could give anyone who is with an addict and going through this any advice it would probably be to try your best to put their issues to one side. That's really difficult for us I know but things generally have a habit of always being about them. This really has to be about you. He will do whatever he is going to do and he will deal with it how he wants to. All that has to come 2nd, your, your body, mind and health has to be first.
I'm sorry you are going through this but know that it will be ok and you will get through it. I'm thinking of you.
Thank you for sharing with me such a personal time. I'm sorry you have gone through this, and that it was so recent and raw. Without much time behind it, is still so new and raw. I know. Mine is upping his intake right now, I hear you. I'm glad yours is sober again.
Big hugs to you Hon.
COULD TRIGGER BELOW, VERY REAL DESCRIPTION OF SOME OF THE LOSS FELT/ CHANGES PHYSICALLY. PLEASE DON'T READ ON IF YOU AREN'T FEELING STRONG ENOUGH, ANYONE. WILL DEFINITELY UPSET YOU IF YOU ARE NOT FEELING STRONG AND SECURE. BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY, PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS...
I understand that my husband can't understand first hand some aspects - the hormones, the instincts kicking in (was one of the reasons I suspected I was pregnant, my thought process just "changed", I can't describe it other than instinct) from a maternal side, the physical aspects. The changes in the body that feel....just.....how do I even put it? Changes that happened for nothing. The feeling of suddenly being "empty". For me, feeling fiercely private. Feeling so much at once. Feeling my body start to return to "normal". My breasts don't hurt. My clothes aren't too tight.
I feel bad for him about this because I think he feels...how do I even put it? Left out? Or, at a loss to understand, frustrated that he can only watch me, hear me, etc? Wish I could put that better, that's kind of a poor description. We can share in the emotional pain, even if he's not good at expressing it or coping with it much of the time. Still, we share that.
That being said, that's why I didn't describe some of his behaviors, the ones that were awful for me to go through, because I know he's hurting and while I don't at all appreciate being put through that, while a part of me is so upset that he couldn't cope in a healthier way, is such a personal, unique kind of pain that I felt I should respect him enough to not make a list of his behavior, while still giving myself the right to talk about how his behavior hurt me. I think that's the best compromise I can come to, as far as respecting his experience while also respecting mine.
If I didn't know he cared, regardless of how bad he can be at expressing it and showing it at times, I might not hesitate to get specific here. Some people really don't care. Some people are cruel and they mean it. In this case, I know he tried as hard as he could during the physical process of it to be strong - for me.
Does that make sense? I feel hurt but I also feel for him. I know he is upset too. This being so personal and intimate, I feel I owe him some respect for how hard he tried for me.
This isn't like other every day things where I just feel like, oh man, grow up, this is so stupid.
We have talked and he knows what upset me, and he knows what I am thankful for. I've acknowledged how hard his end of this was. He sobbed in my lap afterwards.
I'm trying to give him some space even though honestly I just want to hold each other. Which we have. He's overwhelmed. I am too. But again I have to remember I am stronger than he is.
I don't really have a point...just trying to express conflicting feelings, trying to be fair over such a deeply personal thing. Fair to the experience we had. I can't speak for anyone else's experiences.
It has helped me to understand from his side, even though much of it has hurt me.
Like you said, put their issues to one side. This is how I did that, for me, anyway
Wishing you peace and comfort.
Peace.
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Ya know, Onawa, one thing to keep in mind when you are dealing with an alcoholic partner at a time like this is that their own emotions are ALWAYS out of whack. Any kind of intense emotion made me immediately want a good stiff drink--several, in fact. I don't doubt that he cares for you--as you said, as best as he can. But he doesn't even REALLY know what he is feeling, himself, because he isn't used to identifying his own emotions or dealing with them properly--much less yours.
Add that together with the fact that men in general CANNOT understand that utterly "empty" feeling that we women have after something like this. They are sad that we are obviously hurting, and they feel their own sense of loss, but they really cannot understand how we feel.
I hope it has helped you to talk about it here. There was a terrific book I had, once upon a time, about coping with loss in pregnancy. I wish I could remember the name or the author, but it was helpful to me at the time. I'll see if I can find it doing a search, and I'll let you know if I find it.
Big hugs, you are SO not alone!
Add that together with the fact that men in general CANNOT understand that utterly "empty" feeling that we women have after something like this. They are sad that we are obviously hurting, and they feel their own sense of loss, but they really cannot understand how we feel.
I hope it has helped you to talk about it here. There was a terrific book I had, once upon a time, about coping with loss in pregnancy. I wish I could remember the name or the author, but it was helpful to me at the time. I'll see if I can find it doing a search, and I'll let you know if I find it.
Big hugs, you are SO not alone!
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Ya know, Onawa, one thing to keep in mind when you are dealing with an alcoholic partner at a time like this is that their own emotions are ALWAYS out of whack. Any kind of intense emotion made me immediately want a good stiff drink--several, in fact. I don't doubt that he cares for you--as you said, as best as he can. But he doesn't even REALLY know what he is feeling, himself, because he isn't used to identifying his own emotions or dealing with them properly--much less yours.
Add that together with the fact that men in general CANNOT understand that utterly "empty" feeling that we women have after something like this. They are sad that we are obviously hurting, and they feel their own sense of loss, but they really cannot understand how we feel.
I hope it has helped you to talk about it here. There was a terrific book I had, once upon a time, about coping with loss in pregnancy. I wish I could remember the name or the author, but it was helpful to me at the time. I'll see if I can find it doing a search, and I'll let you know if I find it.
Big hugs, you are SO not alone!
Add that together with the fact that men in general CANNOT understand that utterly "empty" feeling that we women have after something like this. They are sad that we are obviously hurting, and they feel their own sense of loss, but they really cannot understand how we feel.
I hope it has helped you to talk about it here. There was a terrific book I had, once upon a time, about coping with loss in pregnancy. I wish I could remember the name or the author, but it was helpful to me at the time. I'll see if I can find it doing a search, and I'll let you know if I find it.
Big hugs, you are SO not alone!
That "empty" feeling is very hard to describe to a man. It's so strange. The hormonal influence is also. Just the way it goes, isn't it? It was nice to have women respond to me for this reason, among others. No matter how well I could describe it to a man, no words can really do justice to the sensations.
It has helped very much to talk about it here. Thank you for all you've said...I truly appreciate it. Thank you for sharing your own experience with me. I'm sorry that you know how it feels.
Thanks for the hugs. Hugs back at you
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I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I know how you feel. I too have lost a few pregnancies. I had 3 miscarriages and then 5 years of infertility following them. It is the worst feeling in the world to lose a pregnancy and it feels so isolating. I couldn't talk to my ADH either when I went through it. He was so unsupportive at that time. That was before i knew he was an A but now I see it fits. For me, it got to the point where I couldn't even go down the baby aisles of a store without crying. What worked for me was to take care of myself. Do things that make you happy, immerse yourself with friends. Get a manicure, read a good book. Enjoy a hobby that you like. I also started doing some guided imagery for relaxation. Having someone's talk to about it also helps. Hugs to you because I know the pain you are feeling. Trust in your HP,s plan.
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Originally Posted by unsureoffuture
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I know how you feel. I too have lost a few pregnancies. I had 3 miscarriages and then 5 years of infertility following them. It is the worst feeling in the world to lose a pregnancy and it feels so isolating. I couldn't talk to my ADH either when I went through it. He was so unsupportive at that time. That was before i knew he was an A but now I see it fits. For me, it got to the point where I couldn't even go down the baby aisles of a store without crying. What worked for me was to take care of myself. Do things that make you happy, immerse yourself with friends. Get a manicure, read a good book. Enjoy a hobby that you like. I also started doing some guided imagery for relaxation. Having someone's talk to about it also helps. Hugs to you because I know the pain you are feeling. Trust in your HP,s plan.
I've been doing a little bit to be kind to myself, trying to take care of my body to release this stress especially since I have several things already that cause me physical pain...so I've been getting back into stretching, breathing, some lighter yoga/pilates like stuff, just gently, breathing and thinking and centering myself. It feels good.
Spiritually I've been making some peace as well.
Thank you again, for your kindness and willingness to share.
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Hallo Onawa.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is horrible and yes, I also had a pregnancy loss. Your posts speak to me, I am so thankful for this and other threads you have started, we seem to be thinking and trying to rationalise and trying to understand a number of exactly the same issues. I am so sorry that your husband is an alcoholic and I am so sorry for your loss with the pregnancy. For me the loss is (I think Lexi also said it) the loss of all the dreams, the hope and the future. I was thinking this morning I wish there was a magic wand to erase alcohol from the face of the earth, that all my problems would just magically disappear. I know all the rational stuff: focus on my own healing as a codie, etc, but a girl can dream, hey?
I know that there are no words to comfort your broken heart. Take all the time you need in grieving your loss. For what it might be worth, here's my story. *TRIGGER ALERT* Hubby and I are married for 13 years and only decided to start with a family in January 2012. I turned 41 last week Friday. So time is already a huge factor. Several wise people (again, amongst others, LexiCat) advised strongly against having children under these circumstances. After reading your posts in this thread, I realised in my situation that the whole children-issue might be related to to the whole Alcie-Codie issue: For example, when we decided to have children he decided to drink only weekends. Without any prompting from my side. Like you, I am the stronger emotional one in my marriage. I thought it was a huge step in the right direction as his alcohol use has been bugging me since we met 15 years ago. So I thought that he viewed the responsibility of parenthood as a motivator to adapt his alcohol use. Well, I was wrong. He is still very much in denial and still thinks I am the one with the problem, nothing wrong with his drinking. Sorry, getting of topic: So after we did not fall pregnant, we went to see a fertility specialist and fell pregnant with the first Intra Uterine Insemination in October 2012. December we saw the little heartbeat and the doctor gave us the green light to tell people. We had a lovely Christmas telling all the family and friends: no-one expected it in the least because I have a professional career (breadwinner and all) and after 12 years of marriage everyone thought pregnancy would never happen. So when we came back January 2013 at 10 weeks, the baby's heart stopped beating. I had a D&E on 8 January 2013. Through it all he was, and still is, extremely supportive. Directly after the D&E I had what they call a chemical pregnancy (being pregnant, but baby not attaching properly) and that also just further screwed up my hormones, mind, body, etc. After the chemical pregnancy we had another 2 IUI's, both negative. The next step would be IVF. That's where I am stuck at this stage. IVF is a pretty penny, I will be the one to fund it. I KNOW all the rational stuff: "Why do you want a baby in this marriage? Why not move on? Give him at least a year sober before you have children," I know all this. But, alas, this is my own dilemma and I will work through it. I don't know if I would ever be able to "get over" the miscarriage, I think the best I would be able to do is to learn and live with it.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that you are SO not alone in this. This $ucks big time. Both of our issues: dealing with a failed pregnancy and dealing with an alcoholic husband. To me it kinda feels like I failed as a person: failed pregnancy and fail(ing) marriage. I know its not true, but that doesn't change how I feel. Glad to see you are taking time to take care of yourself: good for you. You are welcome to PM me since these are such sensitive subjects: both the loss and loving an alcoholic. Both just rips out your heart. At this stage I am with you in this raft in the stormy ocean, would probably not be able to advise, but would definitely be here with you. Leaning you a shoulder to cry on and cry with.
Know that you are not alone. Sending you a big hug and all my support.
Take care of yourself,
Grinch
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It is horrible and yes, I also had a pregnancy loss. Your posts speak to me, I am so thankful for this and other threads you have started, we seem to be thinking and trying to rationalise and trying to understand a number of exactly the same issues. I am so sorry that your husband is an alcoholic and I am so sorry for your loss with the pregnancy. For me the loss is (I think Lexi also said it) the loss of all the dreams, the hope and the future. I was thinking this morning I wish there was a magic wand to erase alcohol from the face of the earth, that all my problems would just magically disappear. I know all the rational stuff: focus on my own healing as a codie, etc, but a girl can dream, hey?
I know that there are no words to comfort your broken heart. Take all the time you need in grieving your loss. For what it might be worth, here's my story. *TRIGGER ALERT* Hubby and I are married for 13 years and only decided to start with a family in January 2012. I turned 41 last week Friday. So time is already a huge factor. Several wise people (again, amongst others, LexiCat) advised strongly against having children under these circumstances. After reading your posts in this thread, I realised in my situation that the whole children-issue might be related to to the whole Alcie-Codie issue: For example, when we decided to have children he decided to drink only weekends. Without any prompting from my side. Like you, I am the stronger emotional one in my marriage. I thought it was a huge step in the right direction as his alcohol use has been bugging me since we met 15 years ago. So I thought that he viewed the responsibility of parenthood as a motivator to adapt his alcohol use. Well, I was wrong. He is still very much in denial and still thinks I am the one with the problem, nothing wrong with his drinking. Sorry, getting of topic: So after we did not fall pregnant, we went to see a fertility specialist and fell pregnant with the first Intra Uterine Insemination in October 2012. December we saw the little heartbeat and the doctor gave us the green light to tell people. We had a lovely Christmas telling all the family and friends: no-one expected it in the least because I have a professional career (breadwinner and all) and after 12 years of marriage everyone thought pregnancy would never happen. So when we came back January 2013 at 10 weeks, the baby's heart stopped beating. I had a D&E on 8 January 2013. Through it all he was, and still is, extremely supportive. Directly after the D&E I had what they call a chemical pregnancy (being pregnant, but baby not attaching properly) and that also just further screwed up my hormones, mind, body, etc. After the chemical pregnancy we had another 2 IUI's, both negative. The next step would be IVF. That's where I am stuck at this stage. IVF is a pretty penny, I will be the one to fund it. I KNOW all the rational stuff: "Why do you want a baby in this marriage? Why not move on? Give him at least a year sober before you have children," I know all this. But, alas, this is my own dilemma and I will work through it. I don't know if I would ever be able to "get over" the miscarriage, I think the best I would be able to do is to learn and live with it.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that you are SO not alone in this. This $ucks big time. Both of our issues: dealing with a failed pregnancy and dealing with an alcoholic husband. To me it kinda feels like I failed as a person: failed pregnancy and fail(ing) marriage. I know its not true, but that doesn't change how I feel. Glad to see you are taking time to take care of yourself: good for you. You are welcome to PM me since these are such sensitive subjects: both the loss and loving an alcoholic. Both just rips out your heart. At this stage I am with you in this raft in the stormy ocean, would probably not be able to advise, but would definitely be here with you. Leaning you a shoulder to cry on and cry with.
Know that you are not alone. Sending you a big hug and all my support.
Take care of yourself,
Grinch
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HUGE GIGANTIC (((((((HUGS))))))) TO YOU AN ALL THE WOMEN ON HERE WHO HAVE SHARED THEIR OWN PAINFUL EXPERIENCES. No, as a man I can't understand exactly what you're going through, but I still offer up my shoulder should you need it.
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Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall
HUGE GIGANTIC (((((((HUGS))))))) TO YOU AN ALL THE WOMEN ON HERE WHO HAVE SHARED THEIR OWN PAINFUL EXPERIENCES. No, as a man I can't understand exactly what you're going through, but I still offer up my shoulder should you need it.
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(hug) I too suffered a loss, an early loss in my first pregnancy after years of trying. I completely understand wanting to talk about it when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, because even the male/female differences aside, I know in my situation, it became the situation my alcoholic husband was going through. I needed him, I was an emotional wreck, but somehow it was all about him first. It was a very lonely and emotionally rough place to be.
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Originally Posted by CodeNameGiggles
(hug) I too suffered a loss, an early loss in my first pregnancy after years of trying. I completely understand wanting to talk about it when you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, because even the male/female differences aside, I know in my situation, it became the situation my alcoholic husband was going through. I needed him, I was an emotional wreck, but somehow it was all about him first. It was a very lonely and emotionally rough place to be.
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Thanks again, everyone.
I'm going to likely ask the admins to remove this thread in the next couple of days. I say this in case anyone wanted to keep any part of this thread. A lot of support here. I may copy and paste this thread for myself. I just can't bear to have it here, where I come often. Silly, I know.
Peace.
I'm going to likely ask the admins to remove this thread in the next couple of days. I say this in case anyone wanted to keep any part of this thread. A lot of support here. I may copy and paste this thread for myself. I just can't bear to have it here, where I come often. Silly, I know.
Peace.
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Hugs, Onawa. I understand about thinking you might ask to have it removed. Like KKE, I've been hesitant to read and post.
Before getting pregnant with DS, I'd lost a baby. It was an absolutely horrid time with AXH, from right after finding out I was pregnant in the first place through after I lost the baby. His emotional abuse and drinking really ramped up when I told him I was pregnant, and I know that's a common trigger for abusers. It was fairly early. The doctors acted like it was par for the course, "You didn't do anything wrong, but these things happen sometimes." No resources for counseling or anything like that was offered and looking back, I really think there should have been. Do doctors / hospitals ever offer support resources or was it just the one I was going to that didn't? AXH acted like it was NOTHING.
I really appreciate the support and compassion that has been shown on this thread. Thank you. Hugs to all.
Before getting pregnant with DS, I'd lost a baby. It was an absolutely horrid time with AXH, from right after finding out I was pregnant in the first place through after I lost the baby. His emotional abuse and drinking really ramped up when I told him I was pregnant, and I know that's a common trigger for abusers. It was fairly early. The doctors acted like it was par for the course, "You didn't do anything wrong, but these things happen sometimes." No resources for counseling or anything like that was offered and looking back, I really think there should have been. Do doctors / hospitals ever offer support resources or was it just the one I was going to that didn't? AXH acted like it was NOTHING.
I really appreciate the support and compassion that has been shown on this thread. Thank you. Hugs to all.
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I was triggered in a good way because I have mentioned this a few times, but never posted the story about the loss of my baby directly. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. Very similar to Grinch. No heartbeat at 10 weeks, then had to have a D & C. Then, I had a boy in 2002. He is the light of my life! TRIGGER ALERT: thanks for letting me write this. Sometimes I forget it really happened.
In 2005, I had another beautiful baby boy! No problems, I read another post that said you are never sure until you deliver a healthy baby. Unfortunately, that is not even true. My XAH drank from the time I met him. I thought he would grow out of it. We were 19. I remember looking at my second boy and saying "what kind of life did I bring you into!" When he was not quite 3 months old, I got a frantic call at work from my then husband that my baby wasn't breathing. We found out he had a cyst in his lung and died in his sleep. I had just left him at 7:00 am, nursed him, kissed him, put him in his crib and went to work. XAH woke up at 8:30, with no car mind you because he got trashed the night before, came in at 2 am, but at least didn't drive home.... My baby is gone.
I think the reason my XAH and I made it 5 more years were I was numb to him and just dealt with the grief. I chose to have another baby, fair or not, regardless if my XAH came around because I knew I would take care of him. My third boy was born in 2007.
Grief is hard especially with a alcoholic. You are dealing with your own sadness and essentially trying to take care of a child that is not only grieving, but a ticking time bomb. My ex's addiction definitely became worse, he started taking pills, lost jobs, and feel into a deep depression. He was even diagnosed with PTSD from finding the baby at rehab.
Leaving an alcoholic and dealing withe the death of a loved one is almost identical. The difference for me is the guilt I felt in leaving my XAH.
Time does not heal you, but it does make it easier to deal with your loss. It truly is one day at a time. Some days are second by second. Take care of you. You have to mourn this loss, feel comfortable talking about it, and find out who you are again.
Thanks for giving me a safe place to share.
In 2005, I had another beautiful baby boy! No problems, I read another post that said you are never sure until you deliver a healthy baby. Unfortunately, that is not even true. My XAH drank from the time I met him. I thought he would grow out of it. We were 19. I remember looking at my second boy and saying "what kind of life did I bring you into!" When he was not quite 3 months old, I got a frantic call at work from my then husband that my baby wasn't breathing. We found out he had a cyst in his lung and died in his sleep. I had just left him at 7:00 am, nursed him, kissed him, put him in his crib and went to work. XAH woke up at 8:30, with no car mind you because he got trashed the night before, came in at 2 am, but at least didn't drive home.... My baby is gone.
I think the reason my XAH and I made it 5 more years were I was numb to him and just dealt with the grief. I chose to have another baby, fair or not, regardless if my XAH came around because I knew I would take care of him. My third boy was born in 2007.
Grief is hard especially with a alcoholic. You are dealing with your own sadness and essentially trying to take care of a child that is not only grieving, but a ticking time bomb. My ex's addiction definitely became worse, he started taking pills, lost jobs, and feel into a deep depression. He was even diagnosed with PTSD from finding the baby at rehab.
Leaving an alcoholic and dealing withe the death of a loved one is almost identical. The difference for me is the guilt I felt in leaving my XAH.
Time does not heal you, but it does make it easier to deal with your loss. It truly is one day at a time. Some days are second by second. Take care of you. You have to mourn this loss, feel comfortable talking about it, and find out who you are again.
Thanks for giving me a safe place to share.
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