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~ 2 years later w/ current thoughts

Old 06-26-2013, 02:10 PM
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~ 2 years later w/ current thoughts

I gotta say, I don't really want to be posting here.

That said, it's strange that I found myself back on these boards roughly 1 year since my last 1 year update.

What can I say? Same road, different scenery? Hell, I don't know.

I'm still working on me. The first go around, 2 years ago got me working on a plan. 1 year from that time, I realized that I probably don't like my RAW active or sober. 1 year since then brings us to today and she's back to drinking and my plan is starting to become a reality.

Here's how fast it happens for all of you wondering how fast it can happen.

10 days ago and in her words, she had 2 drinks...5 hours earlier and she's still blasted drunk. Didn't believe it but I kept my mouth shut.

Last night and per her words, she had 1 drink...5 hours earlier and she's still blasted drunk. Didn't believe her and kept my mouth shut.

We're selling our home. The market is crazy and everything is in storage and we moved in with her parents. After she left the table last night, they both looked at me and asked how they could help. I said they couldn't because the AW needed to do the work. I also let them know that I'm not going through this goat rodeo twice. At least this time around, they're seeing it first hand versus hearing about it from me. I don't need validation from people but it sure helped me feel just an ounce better knowing that I didn't have to defend my suspicions. They knew it and they saw it.

Here's the kicker, I feel kinda thankful for the opportunity in front of me. I'm just waiting for her to crash and burn. The house will be sold, the stuffs in storage. Do I dare pray to my HP for things to go south and take advantage of a sold house, file for divorce and cut my losses? What's my fear? What's holding me back? I'm afraid I won't get custody of my son.

We'll see how things shake out. Reckon I'll do a little lurking here.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:21 PM
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Hey man, sorry to see you back for these reasons. Manly ((((hugs))). Take your time and do what's right for you and your son. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Your friend,
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:29 PM
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I laughed at "goat rodeo." It's nice to see you back despite the circumstances.

Refresh me, how old is your son?

The likelihood that you won't have custody of your son if she has a documented history of addiction is very low. You might have to do the visitation thing, she still has rights, but the chances she'll be the #1 parent are slim to none IF you have the documentation on your side. Have you talked to a lawyer recently about potential custody outcomes?
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:42 PM
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Shell! You've been missed, but I am sorry you are back under similar circumstances.

So "kinda thankful" eh? I think that's telling. Is custody the only thing that holds you back?
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:41 PM
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Hi, Shellcrusher. I know this is very difficult, but taking control of your life is necessary...eh?

I can just add that you do not HAVE to wait for her to crash and burn! That puts her disease in control of everyones' life.

Another thought--her parents seem to realize the alcohol issue--you might want to suggest that they visit alanon--I'm sure that they are very distressed to see this situation. This effects the whole family. If you have a working, respectful relationship with them, that is good as they are your son's grandparents.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:44 PM
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I liked goat rodeo, too.

We haven't "met" but your post is a nice bracing voice. Thank you. When most of us come onto the forum in our early days we are usually so floaty-drifty.

Then after some hard knocks upside the head from reality, our tone gradually begins to change......and we, well, we start to sound more like you! (And M1K3, Tuffgirl, Hopeworks, and all the other truth-tellers here who stepped off the cloud).

I'm always so glad when someone comes back with an update. Like someone who walked out of the wilderness.

The best of everything to you and your son as you figure out the next step.
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:10 PM
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Shellcrusher!

So glad to see you but sad (ya know how it go at the goat rodeo).
big hugs for you and your son.
Your son is still pretty young? I need a refresher too.
Hard to believe it has been two years.

Well, I am with dandylion, why wait for the inevitable crash and burn.
Take charge of you and your son's life as soon as possible.

Yeah visitation, but if you have a good relationship with her parents,
all this can be worked out.

I am sorry it has come to this for you.
You have done what you can.

Appreciate you came back to let us know.

thank you,

Beth
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Old 06-27-2013, 10:46 AM
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Hey Shellcrusher,
Its been a long time since youve been around. Sorry for the circumstances, but I am glad your here. Hang in there buddy

grizz
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Old 06-27-2013, 11:26 AM
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Shell,

You've been missed. Sorry you have reason to be back. But it sounds like painful as it is, you're on a constructive trajectory. You sound good I the midst of it all. Keep on truckin'!
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Old 06-27-2013, 12:30 PM
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After reading your post I’m thinking….why do you have to wait until she crashes and burns. Sounds like you already have a good plan in place, sell the house, stuff in storage, cut your losses. And in the mean time go talk to a few attorneys regarding divorce and custody issues and her drinking issue. Attorney’s can direct you on what to start keeping track of as far as your son goes.

Nothing says you have to move forward it’s just good to know some facts instead of worrying about the things we are unfamiliar with.
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Old 06-27-2013, 12:44 PM
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Hmmm. "Preview Post" makes for long responses. I think there's good nuggets in here. Take what you want.

Yep. Lots of familiar faces. It speaks volumes. Some of you, I know went through the super tough stuff and you're still here to help support. That doesn't mean you don't still work on the super tough stuff.

Anyway, thanks for the welcome home...

I'll generalize a few responses to some of your questions.
My boy just turned 4. He's a funny guy. He believes in super heros and he knows that I can beat Hulk in a fight. That'll melt any man. He likes doing Daddy things and loves me and his mommy. All that is good in my books. I'm raising him to the best of my abilities and when the wife is in the wrong, I simply step in and do my part to instruct him better. I try not to instruct him against her. Simply voice my own thoughts on the matter. He's making choices and I can influence him but I'm trying to give him the space to make his own decision. Anyway, that's all a tangent.

Yes, it's the fear of the unknown that keeps me from pulling the trigger on some things. I also know that there's a cycle going on right now and I don't know how long it spins, what I'll put up with, when I'll get off. It's all rather vague. To vague to make a decision of any magnitude. Time will tell and I know that it's all about time with a key focus on me and my boy.

To wait, or not to wait. That is the question, isn't it? I honestly don't have an answer but I'll try to think it out with you guys. Part of me is waiting for her to crash so I have that insurmountable evidence I'll need to help me build a better custody case. Yes, atalose, I have an attorney and I know what my options are. The landscape has changed and needs to be considered. I live in a no fault state. She doesn't have DUIS. She hasn't been arrested. There's really no public record of her drinking. It's all private stuff that only me and a few family members know. Really, all I have this time around is my journal and in 2 years it consists of 2 times of drunkenness. That's not a track record. Then again, my attorney has everything from 2 years ago when I filed. So...who knows.

The other part of my answer is hope. Guys, I still have hope. I'm strong enough to take care of myself and my boy with enough energy left over to hope and I'm good with that. I also don't want to hope forever and that is the double edged sword that I'm working with and I know most of you with some history here understand what I'm talking about. I also accept that some of you are speaking with the 20/20 and trying to save me time and pain and I appreciate that. I'm also that guy that if you tell me not to stick my hand in the fire, I'll just do it so I can own the pain for myself.

EnglishGarden, you made a comment and I don't want to generalize a response but be specific. Thanks for noticing. I too think I can speak with a bracing voice these days. I'm not 100% sure why but I'll take a guess. Time and concentration. We all know or will learn that the single best thing you can do is to do something for yourself and throw that damn drunk to the side. I've been working on that for many years now. I generally always make decisions based on how they will impact me 1st, my son 2nd and that's about where it ends. I honestly don't consider how my decisions would impact my AW. I don't really care. She obviously doesn't care how her choices impact me or the boy so I won't give her much credit. I'll say it in a softer way. I know for a fact that the family impacting decisions that I make will benefit everyone and that I'm right. It's not an ego thing. It's just fact. I handle all the finances. I handle all the health care. I handle the school stuff. I make the lionshare of income. I do the driving. I had another kids Mom at school wish me Happy Mother's Day. I'm good with that. It's not a control issue but you can bet your arse that I am the driver on everything that has to do with the family. The drunk does not have the right to make big decisions for my life simply because she drank those rights down the drain. Her issues are a personal matter and she needs to deal with it. I'm too busy handling the big stuff that affects more than just myself. Guess that wasn't very soft, now was it?

One could say that's a crummy way to live and all I can do right now is say that I agree. Again, it's time and concentration. All this time and focus has done a great job at removing the emotion. Sure, I'm still disappointed with how things are turning out and I'm not okay with how they're going but I know what my plans are and I work them objectively. Anger isn't ruling my decisions anymore and that has paved the way for better decisions. This isn't to say that I lost my emotion. If anything, it's taught me how to love with more strength. It's taught me the difference between conditional and unconditional love. It's not free. The unconditional is reserved for me and my boy. Perhaps this gives me my bracing voice.

None of this is justifiable nor my intent. I'm just sharing my stuff.
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Old 06-27-2013, 01:13 PM
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We haven't 'met'yet...

... but my story is somewhat similar. I came here about a year ago with head a'spinning and no clue what the hell was going on in my life. A year later, I'm doing better, more focused, a little more tired, but more stable.

I have a boy who turned 3 in March, and he's a beauty. I'm basically a single parent who has a roommate who really doesn't keep up their end of rommate-ieness.

Unlike you, I think my hope is gone. Like you, however, my AW doesn't have the DUIs, or trips to the ER - or anything like that. I, on the other hand, have pages and pages of documentation and pictures of bottles, and pictures of her passed out, to serve my purpose in court. (Hopefully). But I want to be SURE I will get as much custody as I possibly can. I do have text messages where she says she never heard him up crying during the night. And, of course, it's all because she "works hard and is really tired." BS, I work hard and am tired too, that's why I go to bed at a decent hour and not stay up half the night and drink. But then again, I'm the rational sober one, not the irrational drunk.

I'm trying VERY hard to ''let go, and let God", but it's hard for me. I have to plan, take care of, and remember so much, that it's hard to let go of some things.

Anyway, it seems you have a good rep around these parts, so I'm glad to have met you.

Take care,
C-OH Dad
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Old 06-27-2013, 01:20 PM
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Shell, it sounds like you have your head on straight! I know all so well that being married to an alcoholic is certainly not for the faint hearted. Take good care of yourself and your son.
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Old 06-27-2013, 01:25 PM
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Shell, a little something to cheer you up.



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Old 06-27-2013, 01:35 PM
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:rotfxko

I've had days where it seems to look just like that! ^^^^^^^^

LMAO! Thanks Mike!

P.S. Shell, you sound very grounded. That's awesome to see. Do you still love her? I know - such a girl question to ask - but at the end of the day, do you love being with her? For me, this was a huge part of letting it all go. I couldn't answer that well. I think I loved who I thought he was; who I wanted him to be. But who he was sober, was not a person I liked nor respected much.
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Old 06-27-2013, 01:47 PM
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I'm wondering which is worse: herding cats or goat rodeos?
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:16 PM
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Holy smokes. We have some jokers in my thread? Love it.

Mike, is that Michelle Obama in the center of that picture? I'll just pretend it is.

Tuffy, that can be a hard question to answer. See, I don't always like to think too hard about everything. Hmm. I guess I take what I want and leave the rest with the AW. There are some days when she just has her act together and I love her. Some days she's dumb and that's just life. Some days she's drunk and those are the days when I don't give 2 ripe farts about her.

Flo, I was in the rodeo growing up. I hate cats so it's not even an option to herd them. Goats? Well, if I was a Montana boy, I'd be a pro at herding them.

C-OH, There was a time when I had that type of documentation just like you. I gave it all to my lawyer. He was completing some heavy duty paperwork to get me full custody and have her pay child support to me. I pulled back for a very specific reason, followed by an intervention. It worked for 2 years. Anyway, back that stuff up and put it on a computer that can't be reached by the AW. Put it on a disc in case your computer crashes. Make a copy and give it to your lawyer in case your copy goes bad. Get my drift? Oh and change your passwords for everything. My AW used to snoop and set traps.
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Old 06-27-2013, 03:15 PM
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Hey there buddy,
If I remeber right, your signature is because you felt you were walking on eggshells. You dont seem like that anymore. You seem much more grounded. I, like Central Ohio Dad, have a story similar to yours. My AW drinking continues to get worse. She was up to 1 1/2 bottles of wine a night before she switched to Vodka because there are too many calories in wine. So now the ritual is one or two glasses of wine before the Vodka. Most nights now are a blackout/pass out night. The only saving graces I have are my kids are out of the house and for a short period between when I get home from work and the first glass, its kinda like it was before the drinking began. I know we are not to give advice here, but if I had a three or four year old and had another 14+ years ahead of me. I would try my damnedest for custody make a break for it.

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Old 06-27-2013, 03:34 PM
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WB, Shell,

Sorry things are crapola at the moment. Glad you're back with us, though.

I have a feeling that things will head south quickly. She's drinking, she's lying. Matter of time.

Take good care of you and the kiddo in the meantime.
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:26 PM
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Hey grizz. You got it. I always felt that way which is how I came up with my handle. I don't feel that way so much.
Hi Lexie. I hope you're wrong but you may be right.
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