Life After Loving an Alcoholic

Old 10-08-2012, 04:55 PM
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Life After Loving an Alcoholic

I wanted to share a poem I wrote to my AH. He left me in April after being together 10 years. Those 10 years were typical alcoholism story... the whole lying, blaming, no helping with bills, no sex, no affection, name calling, screaming, yelling, crying, begging, sad and sick story. I was a fabulous enabler. We stayed separated as much time as we stayed together. Every few months for years... the same steps... separate, miss each other, make promises, get back together, honeymoon, and back to hell. He stayed gone 9 months last year but we stayed in contact. He went to detox for 10 days last August and to AA sometimes twice a day till April. We truly thought 10 days of detox was going to fix 30 years of drinking. He was signed up for rehab but called and took his name off the list. He never made it 30 days sober and attempted suicide 3 times from August to April. He was showing major signs of brain damage (staggering wide gait, memory loss really bad, eye problems, erratic mood swings, irrational behavior etc) and actually told me there was something wrong with his head "other than the drinking" he said. One day he just left, cursing me every breath. Then called me the next day and left a message that said there was something wrong with his head, he needed help and he was sorry he put me thru hell, and that he loved me. I have heard nothing since but for one letter that told me his "counselors and doctors" said he should have no contact with me. I wrote back to him twice but have heard nothing. I had a rough time with that and has taken me 6 months just to not cry every day. Sadly, I know he is still drinking because I saw him 2 weeks ago pulling out of his favorite bar "slow riding" as he called it... all over the road. I simply can not understand why he left or why he cut off communication. I don't believe his counselors told him not to contact me. I I know I should thank God he is gone because our lives were a mess... I go from anger to anguish... not understanding was killing me...but after a doctor's visit, Alanon friends and counseling with my pastor... I can finally see the sun just peeping thru the clouds. wow... and I'm going to survive this ... but anyway, this is the poem I wrote and mailed to him only 2 months ago.

Unseen Plans

Such a long journey, a wondrous affair,
To suddenly arrive, but nothing is there?
We dreamed of castles built in the sky,
Our vision got clouded but what went awry?
Were the visions just daydreams of things unaware
Lord how did we get to this fearful nightmare?
Sadness and dread both at the same time,
That I will awaken at morning to find
The big bed still empty, my heart still alone,
The dreams and the promises all of them gone.
The king of my castle, the lord of my heart
Taken prisoner and bound by the enemy’s dart
And I know there was nothing to possibly do
To untie the chains satan wrapped around you.

But God like a lighthouse shines His great light
Forever a beacon in this stormy dark night
And I stand on the shore with His light up above
Watching and waiting with a heart full of love.
I know that somehow there will come a day
When you’ll see God’s beacon and you’ll find the way
And He will untie you and loose you from chains
And I’ll still be waiting while my life remains.

If I had the strength and the power to find
The place where he holds you a prisoner in mind
I would fight every demon in satan’s domain
And give up my life for your freedom to gain.

But I am just human and God doesn’t need me
To interfere with His promise to set the captives free
And so I can only just wander and wait
And pray for the day when you walk through our gate.

With your head held up high and a smile on your face
A heart full of thanks for the Savior’s embrace
That healed all your wounds and took all your pain
And righted your course and removed every stain.

And THEN God will reveal HIS plan for you
To be strong and be faithful, to be honest and true
To be a lighthouse to others now with God’s light in you
So that those still in darkness can find their way home too.


August 2012
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Old 10-08-2012, 05:01 PM
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I just wanted to say that is a beautiful poem... I'm sure you must have cried a lot while writing it and I'm sure we can all relate to it.

You should be glad he is gone but it still hurts, I know.
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Old 10-09-2012, 04:51 AM
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A beautiful poem, I don't know what to say.

Isn't it sad how destructive this illness/disease/disorder is? Incomprehensible

Thank you for sharing
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:28 AM
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That is a really beautiful and powerful poem. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:36 AM
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Beautiful poem and blessed with such talent.
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Old 10-09-2012, 10:58 AM
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That's beautiful and, as a Christian, I was deeply moved. Thank you for sharing what must have been difficult to write and release to him.
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Old 11-03-2012, 02:47 PM
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I can identify with the feeling in every line of that poem. We must have done something really bad in our past lives to have gotten the pain we got.
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Old 11-03-2012, 03:35 PM
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your love and pain shine through. what a beautiful gift you have and you have given to your husband. my thoughts are with you.
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Old 11-03-2012, 04:07 PM
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Thanks, so much, there are not words, but reading this post made me feel good and hopeful for all the new people who hit this site everyday.

What an incredible story, I'm so glad the light is breaking through. I got light shining through to, it took a long time.

Love Katie and again, thanks.
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Old 11-03-2012, 04:25 PM
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Thanks for sharing.
Bought tears to me eyes.
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Old 11-03-2012, 05:41 PM
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I have heard nothing since but for one letter that told me his "counselors and doctors" said he should have no contact with me.

While it's true that therapists in rehab do say things like this, I don't think they mean it like your BF is interpreting. Obviously many in rehab do have contact with loved ones. However, I think that if the Alcoholic tells them that they have a volatile relationship with X person then they tell him to have no contact (at least for awhile).
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:01 PM
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I think if he was told no contact it was for your well being as it was for anything. Alcoholics seemed to twist words to make them sound the way they want. Beautiful poem and so true. It breaks your heart to watch someone you love be demonized if you will by a parasite such as alcoholism. I pray that you can overcome and live in peace.
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:24 PM
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thankyou for sharing x
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Old 11-03-2012, 09:13 PM
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But God like a lighthouse shines His great light
Forever a beacon in this stormy dark night
And I stand on the shore with His light up above
Watching and waiting with a heart full of love.
I know that somehow there will come a day
When you’ll see God’s beacon and you’ll find the way


I know this. This is a feeling I've lived.

Beautiful, so beautiful!
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Old 02-01-2013, 09:54 AM
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UPDATE from 1tiredchick

Three months since I sent this poem to share or even checked in. It's been 10 months since my AH walked out. I have been thru the many phases we family go thru. Life is leaning toward normal again, the sun is a bit warmer and colors are a bit brighter. I don't cry anymore. I can laugh again, I can sleep again, I can plan a future without him in it... and I can be at peace knowing I did the best I knew how. A clear conscience makes a soft pillow. He is still drinking I've heard from others. I had read here somewhere that they always come back. Sure enough, about 3 weeks ago he called. Left a message on my work phone late one night... exact words "was hoping enough time had gone by that I could call and see how you are doing. If you want to call me that's fine but if not I understand. Bye" After he walked out and turned his back on me with no word for 10 months, suddenly he wants to know how I am? I'm thinking, well, it's tax season, he's on unemployment, and he has no job so he's either broke or drunk or both. I didn't buy it and I didn't call. It didn't upset my newly established apple cart as much as I figured it would... but after 3 weeks of thinking about it, I wrote him a short note and mailed it. I told him not to call me ever again unless he had something very important to say (such as his mother's death) and that I was doing good and hoped he was and that it made no difference how my heart felt, I would not watch him drink himself to death and I would not ever go back to the prison we lived in for 10 years. I said I hoped he would get his life straight one day and I wished him the best but to please not expect to ever be able to contact me unless it's an emergency. I HOPE I did the right thing. I just said the truth. I have not heard from him since then. I haven't dated or anything because I haven't wanted to, but come April I plan to file for divorce. Hoping I will not always be alone but also learning to enjoy my time alone! Things DO get better... and one day you get thru a whole day and realize "hey, I haven't thought about him all day!" and you catch yourself laughing again, relaxing again, and getting to know the REAL lady you used to be, and still are. I'm getting there. Thanks to all of you and God bless you in whatever situation you're in.
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Old 02-01-2013, 10:33 AM
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Thanks for the update - glad to read that you are doing well and getting better every day.

God Bless,
C-OH Dad
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Old 02-01-2013, 10:43 AM
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Thank you for letting everyone know you are doing much better. So many reading your post will be helped by your sharing your own experience and your recovery.

A childhood friend of mine was the son of an alcoholic father. The father walked out on his family and went to live in another country. The son was a teenager when the father left.

He wrote to his father many letters over the years. But they were never answered.

When his father finally died, the son was by then in his 30's.

Under the father's bed--found after the father's death-- was a box containing all the letters his son had written to him. Unopened.

Alcoholics are very good at cutting people off, as your AH has done. I expect the professionals might give explanations for why alcoholics do this.

But in the end, abuse is abuse.

You didn't cause it.

Please continue to take good care of your life.
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Old 02-01-2013, 12:29 PM
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Wonderful poem- thank you for sharing. Stay strong and so glad you are seeing a brighter future ahead of you!
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Old 06-22-2013, 03:52 PM
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help help help... I updated here in February, and have continued to improve and take care of ME, so now, out of the wild blue, I get a call. Looks like my AH hit bottom at last... no job, no car, no money, booze, pills, pot... and suicide looked like the next step. So he's in detox lookin at long term rehab somewhere. I watched when the deputies loaded him in the back of the county car. I stood in the rain, and watched...and didn't even care if I got wet. I watched them leave, and I prayed, and I've been praying for over a year that he would hit his bottom... I never gave up on him... but now, I'm scared. I'm scared of hoping again, I'm scared of the horrible feeling of the specter of relapse and all that goes with it, I'm scared of the pain that's coming, and scared I'll cave and try to "help him". I can't! I almost "helped him to death" for 10 years... world's best enabler that I am. I'm floundering here!!!! Do I hope, do I dare, and if I do, it's gonna hurt like a B... is it? OMG... my prayers are answered... and I just have to do what I've learned from Alanon, and experience... and trust God... HIS plan, and hold on... calm down... love the man, hate the drug... be supportive but not enabling... love him, I love him no matter what, I'll die loving him... whether he drinks or not... but take care of ME, love from a distance, I am a basket case right now. Can I do this? What should I remember, what should I do, what shouldn't I do? One part of me is happy to tears... and one part is scared to death. No more codependent, no more removing barriers, no more screaming and yelling... advice please from someone who knows? Kind words and honest optimism? I'm dug in... I'll give up on him only when I stand beside him laying in a box... until then, how do I get through this part?
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Old 06-22-2013, 04:22 PM
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You already said goodbye to him. Was he the one who called you? Who called the deputies?

You don't have to step back into this relationship. He can get well without your presence. If I heard that my second husband was back in the hospital (he almost died there once), and that he had "hit bottom" (yet again), I would pray for him but that would be it.

Your help isn't needed here.

My suggestion is that you go back to your task of building a peaceful life for YOU.
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