Hmmm. "Preview Post" makes for long responses. I think there's good nuggets in here. Take what you want.
Yep. Lots of familiar faces. It speaks volumes. Some of you, I know went through the super tough stuff and you're still here to help support. That doesn't mean you don't still work on the super tough stuff.
Anyway, thanks for the welcome home...
I'll generalize a few responses to some of your questions.
My boy just turned 4. He's a funny guy. He believes in super heros and he knows that I can beat Hulk in a fight. That'll melt any man. He likes doing Daddy things and loves me and his mommy. All that is good in my books. I'm raising him to the best of my abilities and when the wife is in the wrong, I simply step in and do my part to instruct him better. I try not to instruct him against her. Simply voice my own thoughts on the matter. He's making choices and I can influence him but I'm trying to give him the space to make his own decision. Anyway, that's all a tangent.
Yes, it's the fear of the unknown that keeps me from pulling the trigger on some things. I also know that there's a cycle going on right now and I don't know how long it spins, what I'll put up with, when I'll get off. It's all rather vague. To vague to make a decision of any magnitude. Time will tell and I know that it's all about time with a key focus on me and my boy.
To wait, or not to wait. That is the question, isn't it? I honestly don't have an answer but I'll try to think it out with you guys. Part of me is waiting for her to crash so I have that insurmountable evidence I'll need to help me build a better custody case. Yes, atalose, I have an attorney and I know what my options are. The landscape has changed and needs to be considered. I live in a no fault state. She doesn't have DUIS. She hasn't been arrested. There's really no public record of her drinking. It's all private stuff that only me and a few family members know. Really, all I have this time around is my journal and in 2 years it consists of 2 times of drunkenness. That's not a track record. Then again, my attorney has everything from 2 years ago when I filed. So...who knows.
The other part of my answer is hope. Guys, I still have hope. I'm strong enough to take care of myself and my boy with enough energy left over to hope and I'm good with that. I also don't want to hope forever and that is the double edged sword that I'm working with and I know most of you with some history here understand what I'm talking about. I also accept that some of you are speaking with the 20/20 and trying to save me time and pain and I appreciate that. I'm also that guy that if you tell me not to stick my hand in the fire, I'll just do it so I can own the pain for myself.
EnglishGarden, you made a comment and I don't want to generalize a response but be specific. Thanks for noticing. I too think I can speak with a bracing voice these days. I'm not 100% sure why but I'll take a guess. Time and concentration. We all know or will learn that the single best thing you can do is to do something for yourself and throw that damn drunk to the side. I've been working on that for many years now. I generally always make decisions based on how they will impact me 1st, my son 2nd and that's about where it ends. I honestly don't consider how my decisions would impact my AW. I don't really care. She obviously doesn't care how her choices impact me or the boy so I won't give her much credit. I'll say it in a softer way. I know for a fact that the family impacting decisions that I make will benefit everyone and that I'm right. It's not an ego thing. It's just fact. I handle all the finances. I handle all the health care. I handle the school stuff. I make the lionshare of income. I do the driving. I had another kids Mom at school wish me Happy Mother's Day. I'm good with that. It's not a control issue but you can bet your arse that I am the driver on everything that has to do with the family. The drunk does not have the right to make big decisions for my life simply because she drank those rights down the drain. Her issues are a personal matter and she needs to deal with it. I'm too busy handling the big stuff that affects more than just myself. Guess that wasn't very soft, now was it?
One could say that's a crummy way to live and all I can do right now is say that I agree. Again, it's time and concentration. All this time and focus has done a great job at removing the emotion. Sure, I'm still disappointed with how things are turning out and I'm not okay with how they're going but I know what my plans are and I work them objectively. Anger isn't ruling my decisions anymore and that has paved the way for better decisions. This isn't to say that I lost my emotion. If anything, it's taught me how to love with more strength. It's taught me the difference between conditional and unconditional love. It's not free. The unconditional is reserved for me and my boy. Perhaps this gives me my bracing voice.
None of this is justifiable nor my intent. I'm just sharing my stuff.