Partner relapsed after we were told I am going to miscarry
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 450
Oh KKE so sorry for your loss, I had a miscarriage also at 12 weeks... It is oh so difficult... So sorry you are not getting the support you deserve, he is ill and he does want to get better... This has been a big shock for you both. Please God he will grasp his sobriety again and you can move forward... Perhaps you will come through this together, stronger and happier. Keeping you in my prayers xx
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by KKE 
Hi there
I went for my 12 week scan this week and was unfortunately told that I am now going to have a miscarriage. My partner had been just over three months sober and on the same day went out, drank two bottles of vodka and did crack. He has been drinking all weekend. Last night he came home drunk and tried to pick a fight with our neighbours by parking his car right up close (touching their car) to their car as they had parked outside our house. Granted its annoying as they do it all the time but yesterday wasn't the day to argue about such thing. I had to run out and move his car as he wouldn't do it just to avoid a fight with the neighbours. Just wasn't what I wanted to do when I was laying there with cramping pains.
I'm not angry and I'm not surprised. It was pretty awful seeing and empty sac on the screen and its even worse waiting for your body to miscarry. I suppose I just wanted to tell someone as I feel I can't tell my friends and family that he has relapsed. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself.
I just feel like I haven't got the head space to deal with his problems at the moment but feel like I need to be understanding too. On the upside he has gone back to AA today.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
I went for my 12 week scan this week and was unfortunately told that I am now going to have a miscarriage. My partner had been just over three months sober and on the same day went out, drank two bottles of vodka and did crack. He has been drinking all weekend. Last night he came home drunk and tried to pick a fight with our neighbours by parking his car right up close (touching their car) to their car as they had parked outside our house. Granted its annoying as they do it all the time but yesterday wasn't the day to argue about such thing. I had to run out and move his car as he wouldn't do it just to avoid a fight with the neighbours. Just wasn't what I wanted to do when I was laying there with cramping pains.
I'm not angry and I'm not surprised. It was pretty awful seeing and empty sac on the screen and its even worse waiting for your body to miscarry. I suppose I just wanted to tell someone as I feel I can't tell my friends and family that he has relapsed. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself.
I just feel like I haven't got the head space to deal with his problems at the moment but feel like I need to be understanding too. On the upside he has gone back to AA today.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Im sorry for the loss of your pregnancy and lack of support due to your husbands relapse.
I just found out I am pregnant (feel nauseous like crazy and a bit scared from health problems) and my rah went on a weekend bender after being sober for a month and half after finding out ...he got back on the wagon though and is doing better but it is not fair to us to go through something alone.
I hope your husbands fall off the wagon ends soon and he can be the man you need now . I am glad hes gone back to aa. You need all the love and sobreity he can give you and much needed support.
Sending good wishes and support your way
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
Again, thank you all :-) I just feel so exhausted. My A's sponsor gave him a card and quite a few of his AA friends called him yesterday. I thought that was nice. I'm at home today, still bleeding and tender but nothing like yesterday. Yesterday was like a cross between Friday 13th and Alien... But not as painful as having gallstones. But a lot more upsetting.
Lonely girl, why do you think he drank when he found out you were pregnant (congrats btw :-) )? Was it to "celebrate"? What was his excuse?
Lonely girl, why do you think he drank when he found out you were pregnant (congrats btw :-) )? Was it to "celebrate"? What was his excuse?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by KKE
Again, thank you all :-) I just feel so exhausted. My A's sponsor gave him a card and quite a few of his AA friends called him yesterday. I thought that was nice. I'm at home today, still bleeding and tender but nothing like yesterday. Yesterday was like a cross between Friday 13th and Alien... But not as painful as having gallstones. But a lot more upsetting.
Lonely girl, why do you think he drank when he found out you were pregnant (congrats btw :-) )? Was it to "celebrate"? What was his excuse?
Lonely girl, why do you think he drank when he found out you were pregnant (congrats btw :-) )? Was it to "celebrate"? What was his excuse?
Not the ideal time for a baby but after his drunk spree he sobered and we talked.
Its great your husband is getting back into aa....its the best place for him to be and wonderful hell have them for support. I can only imagine how you must be feeling...its a good sign your able to talk about it though. Sometimes thats all we need to get through something.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
Hi
I have a hospital appointment tomorrow where they have to scan and check everything has gone and confirm I'm definitely not pregnant anymore.
Partner is back in recovery again and doing his AA stuff which is positive. So that just leaves me..... This is going to sound odd but I'm not quite sure how to feel about the last couple of weeks. I really want to move on from it all but I'm concerned that I haven't cried about it since the day we found out in hospital that I was going to miscarry. I know it's a terrible thing to say but if my partner wasn't back in recovery and wasn't back doing the AA stuff I would have someone to be upset about. It's like he had his relapse (and BBQ) and now he's back to being ok so therefore I've got to be ok. I can't be upset because he's ok.
Sorry bit of rambling but I hope that makes some sense to someone!
I have a hospital appointment tomorrow where they have to scan and check everything has gone and confirm I'm definitely not pregnant anymore.
Partner is back in recovery again and doing his AA stuff which is positive. So that just leaves me..... This is going to sound odd but I'm not quite sure how to feel about the last couple of weeks. I really want to move on from it all but I'm concerned that I haven't cried about it since the day we found out in hospital that I was going to miscarry. I know it's a terrible thing to say but if my partner wasn't back in recovery and wasn't back doing the AA stuff I would have someone to be upset about. It's like he had his relapse (and BBQ) and now he's back to being ok so therefore I've got to be ok. I can't be upset because he's ok.
Sorry bit of rambling but I hope that makes some sense to someone!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sure, it makes sense. I get it.
But you have a right to your emotions and your grief, which have to do with losing a baby, not with whether your partner is OK or not. You can be glad he's back on the beam and still grieve the miscarriage--and I would suggest it would be healthiest for you if you do.
Hugs,
But you have a right to your emotions and your grief, which have to do with losing a baby, not with whether your partner is OK or not. You can be glad he's back on the beam and still grieve the miscarriage--and I would suggest it would be healthiest for you if you do.
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
I almost feel like I didn't get my opportunity to grieve. Within a few hours of finding out, my head was thinking about him relapsing and then about him recovering. That's my fault because I was unable to detach.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You probably HAVEN'T had the opportunity to grieve.
I wouldn't say it's your "fault" for not being able to detach--you had an awful lot to cope with at once--losing a baby and then coping with his relapse. Give yourself a break. You did the best you could, and now you need to take care of YOU.
I wouldn't say it's your "fault" for not being able to detach--you had an awful lot to cope with at once--losing a baby and then coping with his relapse. Give yourself a break. You did the best you could, and now you need to take care of YOU.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear KKE, what you are saying does make sense to me---what it tells me is that you have terribly low self-esteem. You h ave lost yourself in this relationship to the extent that you don't know where his identity (and needs) end and yours begins. You don't even feel entitled to your own emotions unless they are fueled or approved by him.
KKE, you need to learn all about alcoholism that you can and allow him to achieve one to two years of uninterrupted sobriety while working a strong program with a sponsor. Until then, it is predictable that you will have a life of heartbreak and chaos. Most likely you will be a single parent to any future children as an active alcoholic will duck and run at the first sign of stress--and, then, blame it on you.
The best thing for YOU would be to work a strong alanon program so that you can finally get to know and VALUE yourself.
Real, mature love does not hurt this m uch!!!!
sincerely, dandylion
KKE, you need to learn all about alcoholism that you can and allow him to achieve one to two years of uninterrupted sobriety while working a strong program with a sponsor. Until then, it is predictable that you will have a life of heartbreak and chaos. Most likely you will be a single parent to any future children as an active alcoholic will duck and run at the first sign of stress--and, then, blame it on you.
The best thing for YOU would be to work a strong alanon program so that you can finally get to know and VALUE yourself.
Real, mature love does not hurt this m uch!!!!
sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
I keep saying to myself "go back to alanon". I went three times last year. I just felt so awkward being there. Don't get me wrong the people are lovely etc but I found it very difficult to the point I wanted to run out. I do want to give it another go though. Give it a proper chance. I just find this forum easier. At the meetings I couldn't speak.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nothing wrong with just listening. It's being around real, live people dealing with the same kind of stuff you are dealing with that helps.
Keep coming around and you will start to smile back at those you recognize. Friendships start with a smile.
Keep coming around and you will start to smile back at those you recognize. Friendships start with a smile.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
KKE are you talking to anyone about the loss of your baby.
I lost a child , I was five months pregnant, it took me a very long time to work through all the feelings about that.
It was the reason I ended up on Klonopin.
Please I urge you to find a safe place to start wading through.
I lost a child , I was five months pregnant, it took me a very long time to work through all the feelings about that.
It was the reason I ended up on Klonopin.
Please I urge you to find a safe place to start wading through.
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