Partner relapsed after we were told I am going to miscarry
Dear KKE, I am soooo sorry to have to say this to you----but, I feel that I must---someone has to for YOUR sake. He will not change as a result of this crisis. You can expect the same thing whenever the next crisis in life occurs. That is how an alcoholic or addict handles all intense emotions. Just when you need them the most--that is when they run to the bottle and feel sorry for themselves.
This forum is replete with tragic stories of those who thought it would get better---until their lives became completely unmanageable and they came here for help.
This miscarriage is (sadly) just a convenient excuse for him to drink---and draw the attention toward himself.
Again, I am sorry to be the buzzkill.....but, hon, you need to know the truth about the reality of alcoholism.
Thinking of you at this difficult time--with much empathy,
dandylion
This forum is replete with tragic stories of those who thought it would get better---until their lives became completely unmanageable and they came here for help.
This miscarriage is (sadly) just a convenient excuse for him to drink---and draw the attention toward himself.
Again, I am sorry to be the buzzkill.....but, hon, you need to know the truth about the reality of alcoholism.
Thinking of you at this difficult time--with much empathy,
dandylion
All I've had to listen to today is him and how he shared at his meeting for the first time today, how he wants to be sober, how he can't deal with his emotions, how he needed to get drunk so he could feel something blah blah. Not once "hey, you must feel awful, is there anything you'd like to do today?".
He can think of nothing else but drunk. It is all he has on his mind.
I am so very sorry KKE.
This is trying to get bread from the hardware store.
Geez, I thought I posted this awhile ago.
Beth
Last edited by wicked; 06-09-2013 at 01:34 PM. Reason: edited did not check before hitting enter.
Do you know what bangers are Beth?
LOL
AH hated when I would get sick or need to rest for any reason. He took the miscarriage as an occasion to complain about me and drink more.
dammit.
Also, this is when I came to a realization too, I was on my own emotionally.
But, since I was used to it and drinking myself to make it go away, it did not hurt right away, sort of a slow simmer, until I got sober and had to deal with it.
Be good to yourself KKE.
I had to take a few minutes this afternoon, some peace and quiet with a yogurt and my dog.
It helps alot.
And, of course all my friends here.
Beth
How are you feeling now KKE?
Yeah, I'm ok. Just reflecting on what people are saying and their personal stories. I appreciate the honesty and openness.
Just thinking...... If alcoholics are always alcoholics, at what point can we be happy with them? What do they have to do? Is it possible to be happy with a recovering alcoholic? Just questions coming into my head.
Just thinking...... If alcoholics are always alcoholics, at what point can we be happy with them? What do they have to do? Is it possible to be happy with a recovering alcoholic? Just questions coming into my head.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
I'm sorry you are miscarrying.
Mine used to do this every Saturday and Sunday - he would go to the supermarket at probably 1.00pm and get home at 4-5pm. Sometimes he'd return with food, sometimes he didn't. He'd always return off his face drunk.
..... Anyway this of course means he can go to the supermarket. He's been gone for well over an hour now. What I hate is having part of my mind thinking "will he be back? I'd he getting a sneaky drink in?" Etc. I'm guessing when you are with someone who isn't an alcoholic and your going through this it's just a given that they will be back ASAP.
I hope there is something here that is hopeful or useful
The alcoholic I was married to did not stop drinking for more than two weeks after six weeks in-patient treatment.
I have been in recovery since August 18 1996, I would say I have been working on getting "better" in many ways since that day. I started very early, age 16, so I was 36 years old with the maturity of an emotionally stunted teenager.
I think I would be a good partner, make someone happy, partly because of the journey I have been on, but I would not wish on anyone.
I wonder if the partner I have in the future will be in recovery and if he were what would my requirements be?
I think many years sober. Enough to grow up at least. Not all the way, having fun is good, and I did not have any fun as a teen or young adult.
How would I make someone happy? Staying in recovery, learning every day about my partner and trying to make him smile as he tries to make me smile.
Being a good friend.
Someone I could trust with a secret and trust they will not hurt me with it.
I read that somewhere and paraphrased, but I love that.
Love and trust. Together.
I could never be happy with someone who actively used drugs and/or alcohol.
I would not necessarily go back to drinking, but I am sure the bad old behaviors would come back.
So, could I be happy with someone who is in recovery from alcohol?
Most certainly yes, if he is solid in recovery (my decision and guidelines) and wants to be good friends.
A plus if he can cook on the grill and enjoys the outdoors.
Did you get dinner yet KKE?
Feeling okay?
I have been thinking about you today!
(no cook out though, could not convince my son to go to the store)
Beth
PS I just realized that I probably did not answer the question you asked about being happy with a recovering alcoholic.
wow, so much damage was done in my first marriage, and we were both so immature and broken, I do not think we would have been happy together. We met each other in a bar. There ya go.
He would have to do a lot of the hard work of recovery, and I would be there for that. As long as he is sober I would work with that, but for me, I would not waste one minute on another relapser.
It is a certain heartbreak, and I am done with certain heartbreak.
I want solid, dependable, reliable.
Active addicts are incapable of loving others, I was one. I convinced myself I hurt no one but myself, and I had children.
That is how blind and drunk I was.
Hurting no one. Good god.
If you have any more questions to me the alcoholic (I do not mind, it is a part of who I am, but not all of me) I will be honest with you.
Part of my work to get better.
I have been in recovery since August 18 1996, I would say I have been working on getting "better" in many ways since that day. I started very early, age 16, so I was 36 years old with the maturity of an emotionally stunted teenager.
I think I would be a good partner, make someone happy, partly because of the journey I have been on, but I would not wish on anyone.
I wonder if the partner I have in the future will be in recovery and if he were what would my requirements be?
I think many years sober. Enough to grow up at least. Not all the way, having fun is good, and I did not have any fun as a teen or young adult.
How would I make someone happy? Staying in recovery, learning every day about my partner and trying to make him smile as he tries to make me smile.
Being a good friend.
Someone I could trust with a secret and trust they will not hurt me with it.
I read that somewhere and paraphrased, but I love that.
Love and trust. Together.
I could never be happy with someone who actively used drugs and/or alcohol.
I would not necessarily go back to drinking, but I am sure the bad old behaviors would come back.
So, could I be happy with someone who is in recovery from alcohol?
Most certainly yes, if he is solid in recovery (my decision and guidelines) and wants to be good friends.
A plus if he can cook on the grill and enjoys the outdoors.
Did you get dinner yet KKE?
Feeling okay?
I have been thinking about you today!
(no cook out though, could not convince my son to go to the store)
Beth
PS I just realized that I probably did not answer the question you asked about being happy with a recovering alcoholic.
wow, so much damage was done in my first marriage, and we were both so immature and broken, I do not think we would have been happy together. We met each other in a bar. There ya go.
He would have to do a lot of the hard work of recovery, and I would be there for that. As long as he is sober I would work with that, but for me, I would not waste one minute on another relapser.
It is a certain heartbreak, and I am done with certain heartbreak.
I want solid, dependable, reliable.
Active addicts are incapable of loving others, I was one. I convinced myself I hurt no one but myself, and I had children.
That is how blind and drunk I was.
Hurting no one. Good god.
If you have any more questions to me the alcoholic (I do not mind, it is a part of who I am, but not all of me) I will be honest with you.
Part of my work to get better.
Hi KKE, I am new to this arena. I want to thank you for sharing what has been happening in your world lately. I am also very sorry to hear about your baby. I cannot imagine how hard this news was and then having the additional challenges of your guy. You have lots of support here KKE!
Late in coming to this thread-- -heartbroken for you and so sorry that at this difficult and sad time for you, your AH has made it entirely about him and made it even harder....
Sending love your way...
Sending love your way...
Thanks for all your posts. Means a lot.
Physically, I thought something might happen tonight but it keeps stopping and starting...... Always thought a miscarraige at 12 weeks would a bit more, I dunno, dramatic?
Emotionally I feel exhausted. So so tired but can't sleep. My partner apologised to me today for being selfish. Always nice to hear an apology I guess. Don't know what apologies are worth but hey.
You know what? I could actually do with a drink right now, maybe ten!
Physically, I thought something might happen tonight but it keeps stopping and starting...... Always thought a miscarraige at 12 weeks would a bit more, I dunno, dramatic?
Emotionally I feel exhausted. So so tired but can't sleep. My partner apologised to me today for being selfish. Always nice to hear an apology I guess. Don't know what apologies are worth but hey.
You know what? I could actually do with a drink right now, maybe ten!
Physically, I thought something might happen tonight but it keeps stopping and starting...... Always thought a miscarraige at 12 weeks would a bit more, I dunno, dramatic?
I hope your boyfriend is staying sober as long as he is apologetic.
I am giving just cyber hugs and huge cuppas from over here,
but I am giving it all I got.
(((((KKE)))))
Warmly and praying for you,
Beth
Hello KKE, Thinking of you and hoping for an easy as possible recovery.
5 Lessons from Hitting Rock Bottom
(Ha! the link did work! marvelous!)
I was just skimming my email account and came across this post (in the link above) about being rock bottom emotionally.
This post was amazing in its hopeful outlook on how terrible things can change us for the better.
It says it so much better than I can.
It starts with a quote from Viktor Frankl (a true hero, a survivor)
“When we can no longer change a situation,
we are challenged to change ourselves.”
~ Viktor Frankl
I hope you get something from this article on rising from the ashes.
Beth
5 Lessons from Hitting Rock Bottom
(Ha! the link did work! marvelous!)
I was just skimming my email account and came across this post (in the link above) about being rock bottom emotionally.
This post was amazing in its hopeful outlook on how terrible things can change us for the better.
It says it so much better than I can.
It starts with a quote from Viktor Frankl (a true hero, a survivor)
“When we can no longer change a situation,
we are challenged to change ourselves.”
~ Viktor Frankl
I hope you get something from this article on rising from the ashes.
Beth
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