Looking for others dating a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Looking for others dating a recovering alcoholic
Hi
I'm on here looking for others who are with alcoholic partners who are currently sober. I've been to alanon but I find it focuses on people who are living with people who are still drinking.
Although my partner has been sober for 18months and we are happy, we have only been together 7 months and I am still learning about addiction and everything that comes with it. I am trying to find friends I can talk to about this who understand and don't judge...
Anyone out there?
I'm on here looking for others who are with alcoholic partners who are currently sober. I've been to alanon but I find it focuses on people who are living with people who are still drinking.
Although my partner has been sober for 18months and we are happy, we have only been together 7 months and I am still learning about addiction and everything that comes with it. I am trying to find friends I can talk to about this who understand and don't judge...
Anyone out there?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome, Lee. I think it is great that you are doing some research to learn about what your partner has & is experiencing. We should have our eyes wide open in any relationship, but especially in a relationship with an A. Wish I'd had your foresight about ten or so years ago...
Yes, you do belong in Al-Anon. Even though your partner is in recovery, Al-Anon is for you. It may/will help you understand the importance of taking care of yourself and making sure that your needs are met in the relationship. You should read more here, especially the stickies at the top of the page.
Congratulations to your partner on 18 months of sobriety! You didn't say what kind of recovery program your RA is working...that may be helpful for others to share their Experience, Strength & Hope with you. Please continue to read & post, this is an excellent opportunity for your to educate yourself about life with an A or RA.
Yes, you do belong in Al-Anon. Even though your partner is in recovery, Al-Anon is for you. It may/will help you understand the importance of taking care of yourself and making sure that your needs are met in the relationship. You should read more here, especially the stickies at the top of the page.
Congratulations to your partner on 18 months of sobriety! You didn't say what kind of recovery program your RA is working...that may be helpful for others to share their Experience, Strength & Hope with you. Please continue to read & post, this is an excellent opportunity for your to educate yourself about life with an A or RA.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 11
Thanks heaps, maybe I will try alanon again..
My partner went to rehab for about 6 months and has been out for almost a year ... He had stayed sober by using what they taught him in rehab and I think mainly because he is extremely stubborn! Haha
He has other friends that are recovering addicts and they all help each other get through rough times. He also sees a counsellor from his rehab whenever he needs. He doesn't go to AA as he said it doesn't work for him.
The things I find the hardest are:
-Dealing with him when he is "triggered". This is getting better as I can at least recognise this now however I need help with how to support him through this.
- not being able to socialise with him and my friends together much as a lot of the things they do involve some form of alcohol which he still finds too difficult to be around. I can go on my own but it's just not the same without my partner there. Finding a balance between healthy pushing towards him doing things outside his comfort zone and pushing him too much where it will in any way jeapordise his recovery.
- I would like to find other couples who want to do things socially without alcohol... Finding it hard to meet people.
Thanks! Alicia
My partner went to rehab for about 6 months and has been out for almost a year ... He had stayed sober by using what they taught him in rehab and I think mainly because he is extremely stubborn! Haha
He has other friends that are recovering addicts and they all help each other get through rough times. He also sees a counsellor from his rehab whenever he needs. He doesn't go to AA as he said it doesn't work for him.
The things I find the hardest are:
-Dealing with him when he is "triggered". This is getting better as I can at least recognise this now however I need help with how to support him through this.
- not being able to socialise with him and my friends together much as a lot of the things they do involve some form of alcohol which he still finds too difficult to be around. I can go on my own but it's just not the same without my partner there. Finding a balance between healthy pushing towards him doing things outside his comfort zone and pushing him too much where it will in any way jeapordise his recovery.
- I would like to find other couples who want to do things socially without alcohol... Finding it hard to meet people.
Thanks! Alicia
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by leesheet 
I've been to alanon but I find it focuses on people who are living with people who are still drinking.
I would encourage you to be smarter than I was. Listen to the stories. Even though your partner isn't drinking, if you remain in a relationship with them, then you will be someone whose life is affected by this disease.
I wish you luck on your journey.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 70
Unfortunately not, but we had 13 years of living with him sober. Every story is different though.
I will say that when they get more time away from the drinking it doesn't bother them to be around it. But that is only something I have seen with people who are working a program. Stubbornness will only get a person so far, in my experience.
I will say that when they get more time away from the drinking it doesn't bother them to be around it. But that is only something I have seen with people who are working a program. Stubbornness will only get a person so far, in my experience.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 11
He says that AA just makes him want to drink more and frustrates him cause everyone just relives drinking stories which he doesn't like. He has been a lot as it was part of rehab. Do you suggest any other program's?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest that if all he is doing is sitting in meetings, he isn't working the AA program at all. The meetings are the Fellowship part of AA, and even though it's important, it isn't as important as the Step work (usually done with a sponsor).
And as far as Al-Anon is concerned, YES you belong there. I think you should maybe check out some other meetings because I went to several where many members had partners with long-term sobriety. I think there is a tendency for many people to stop going once their partners have recovered. I did, and I now wish I hadn't. My first husband is now sober 33 years (15 when we divorced), and I wound up married to another alcoholic before my own drinking spiraled out of control and I wound up in AA, myself. I often think that maybe if I had stayed active in Al-Anon it might have spared me some of the dumb things I did later. Water under the bridge now. But Al-Anon is a way of living that can improve your life in so many ways, regardless of whether your partner is drinking or not.
And as far as Al-Anon is concerned, YES you belong there. I think you should maybe check out some other meetings because I went to several where many members had partners with long-term sobriety. I think there is a tendency for many people to stop going once their partners have recovered. I did, and I now wish I hadn't. My first husband is now sober 33 years (15 when we divorced), and I wound up married to another alcoholic before my own drinking spiraled out of control and I wound up in AA, myself. I often think that maybe if I had stayed active in Al-Anon it might have spared me some of the dumb things I did later. Water under the bridge now. But Al-Anon is a way of living that can improve your life in so many ways, regardless of whether your partner is drinking or not.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
18 months may sound like a long time to you but it’s NOT. The deep down root issues of his drinking are not being addressed. If he’s just sitting in meetings building resentment about being there relapse for him is just a matter of time.
So that being said, YES you need to get involved with Al-anon and begin to prepare yourself and learn as much as you can about addiction/alcoholism and most importantly all the things YOU CAN NOT DO TO FIX OR REPAIR HIM because it’s truly out of your hands.
So that being said, YES you need to get involved with Al-anon and begin to prepare yourself and learn as much as you can about addiction/alcoholism and most importantly all the things YOU CAN NOT DO TO FIX OR REPAIR HIM because it’s truly out of your hands.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
My RAH is almost 2 years sober & attends AA.
I understand your frustrations with Al-Anon, I find it tends to focus more on living with active alcoholism & sometimes lacks in guidance for the exact types of issues that we deal with in a recovery situation. Not completely though - there is still a lot that can be gained from what is shared there & here.
When my RAH finally admitted he had a problem & sought recovery, I was pretty much in the dark about his secret drinking & had missed a lot of clues that I wasn't looking for. I had some knowledge of alcoholism having been raised with an alcoholic father, but as a wife my experience was entirely different. I learned TONS about the disease, the similarities & differences between addicts. Actually, I'm STILL learning, rarely a day passes that I don't learn at least one new, small nugget of info from the members (both codies & RA's) here at SR. Sometimes it provides me one of the famous AHA moments & all of a sudden something from the past makes more sense. It's also just plain smart of me to understand what a potential relapse is all about by listening to what others share. In my situation I have a DD to protect as well, so forewarned is forearmed. I feel clear & strong about what my boundaries are if that situation were to happen & that will keep me (hopefully, lol) from spending time spinning my wheels & wringing my hands in confusion not knowing what next steps to take.
One thing I know for sure is that if my RAH relapses & starts drinking I now have a whole bunch of personal tools at my disposal that I didn't have before!
I understand your frustrations with Al-Anon, I find it tends to focus more on living with active alcoholism & sometimes lacks in guidance for the exact types of issues that we deal with in a recovery situation. Not completely though - there is still a lot that can be gained from what is shared there & here.
When my RAH finally admitted he had a problem & sought recovery, I was pretty much in the dark about his secret drinking & had missed a lot of clues that I wasn't looking for. I had some knowledge of alcoholism having been raised with an alcoholic father, but as a wife my experience was entirely different. I learned TONS about the disease, the similarities & differences between addicts. Actually, I'm STILL learning, rarely a day passes that I don't learn at least one new, small nugget of info from the members (both codies & RA's) here at SR. Sometimes it provides me one of the famous AHA moments & all of a sudden something from the past makes more sense. It's also just plain smart of me to understand what a potential relapse is all about by listening to what others share. In my situation I have a DD to protect as well, so forewarned is forearmed. I feel clear & strong about what my boundaries are if that situation were to happen & that will keep me (hopefully, lol) from spending time spinning my wheels & wringing my hands in confusion not knowing what next steps to take.
One thing I know for sure is that if my RAH relapses & starts drinking I now have a whole bunch of personal tools at my disposal that I didn't have before!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by leesheet
The things I find the hardest are:
-Dealing with him when he is "triggered". This is getting better as I can at least recognise this now however I need help with how to support him through this.
- not being able to socialise with him and my friends together much as a lot of the things they do involve some form of alcohol which he still finds too difficult to be around. I can go on my own but it's just not the same without my partner there. Finding a balance between healthy pushing towards him doing things outside his comfort zone and pushing him too much where it will in any way jeapordise his recovery.
- I would like to find other couples who want to do things socially without alcohol... Finding it hard to meet people.
Thanks! Alicia
-Dealing with him when he is "triggered". This is getting better as I can at least recognise this now however I need help with how to support him through this.
- not being able to socialise with him and my friends together much as a lot of the things they do involve some form of alcohol which he still finds too difficult to be around. I can go on my own but it's just not the same without my partner there. Finding a balance between healthy pushing towards him doing things outside his comfort zone and pushing him too much where it will in any way jeapordise his recovery.
- I would like to find other couples who want to do things socially without alcohol... Finding it hard to meet people.
Thanks! Alicia
You may need to find new social things to do with him that do not involve drinking, and learn to be comfortable spending time separately when drinking is involved, at least for now. This may come off harsh...if the second part is something you do not want in your relationship (which is completely normal!) then you may have to re-evaluate the relationship.
I think finding new social things not involving alcohol may lead you to other couples that socialize without it. Also, my RAH & I tried a Couples Communication AA/Al-Anon group (follows the AA/Al-Anon principles but not listed on either site because no mixed groups are included), and a few couples said a lot of their social relationships evolved from those meetings.
My RAH was dry when we met and married. He was dry for 17 years, no program. Throughout our relationship, he has been able to be around alcohol, but there are certainly social events he preferred to avoid, mainly bars (I had NO problem with this). There were no negative or traumatic events in our life that could be called his trigger to drink again; he says he just let his guard down. My life is completely upside down as a result. I'm starting my own recovery. You have the opportunity to learn about this disease & how to take care of yourself when loving someone affected by it now, so please listen to the ES&H you are receiving here, it tends to be helpful in all areas of our lives anyway. Please keep reading & posting.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi leesheet,
I would suggest trying some other AlAnon meetings. Try to find one where the focus is on recovery and not just . Besides, you are living with an alcoholic even if he isn't drinking.
The recovery lessons there about the illusion of control, detachment and the 3 A's (awareness, acceptance, action) have been useful to me in all parts of my life. I didn't start attending Al-Anon until I was separated from my AW.
Each meeting has it's own flavor so see if you can find one that speaks to you.
Your friend,
I would suggest trying some other AlAnon meetings. Try to find one where the focus is on recovery and not just
focuses on people who are living with people who are still drinking
The recovery lessons there about the illusion of control, detachment and the 3 A's (awareness, acceptance, action) have been useful to me in all parts of my life. I didn't start attending Al-Anon until I was separated from my AW.
Each meeting has it's own flavor so see if you can find one that speaks to you.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I have been with my BF 10 years, he has been sober 7 months. He works a real recovery program every day, not just sobriety, and is doing well. I would agree that it may be you need to find another AlAnon group that fits you better. The group I attend has a mix of those still living with active alcoholism, and those who are living with recovered A's. I learn a tremendous amount about the disease, and I learn how to "stay on my side of the street" when it comes to their recovery. It's usually advised that you attend 6 different meetings before deciding if it's for you or not.
I also hear from your post that your BF is sober, but not in a recovery program. 18 months is early in this process. Lexie hit it on the nail. Attending meetings is not recovery. He has to engage in the process, work with a sponsor, really address the issues through working the steps. I always worry when an A complains about AA. My BF did that for years, I now know it's because he wasn't ready to face the real issues. He could "not drink" but that isn't recovery.
We had to change our way of doing things when he got sober. I don't drink around him, there is no alcohol in the house. Our friends have been great, and realize we can get together and socialize without alcohol. That's been a big help to him. You do have to learn to find new activities, but that only helps the relationship IMO. If he makes friends through AA, and you make friends through AlAnon, you will meet other sober couples.
This is not an easy journey, but it can be done. Good Luck to you.
I also hear from your post that your BF is sober, but not in a recovery program. 18 months is early in this process. Lexie hit it on the nail. Attending meetings is not recovery. He has to engage in the process, work with a sponsor, really address the issues through working the steps. I always worry when an A complains about AA. My BF did that for years, I now know it's because he wasn't ready to face the real issues. He could "not drink" but that isn't recovery.
We had to change our way of doing things when he got sober. I don't drink around him, there is no alcohol in the house. Our friends have been great, and realize we can get together and socialize without alcohol. That's been a big help to him. You do have to learn to find new activities, but that only helps the relationship IMO. If he makes friends through AA, and you make friends through AlAnon, you will meet other sober couples.
This is not an easy journey, but it can be done. Good Luck to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 11
When I say "dealing with him when he is triggered" - I mean learning how to deal with how his moods affect me. I don't want to "fix" him or "change" him however it's not just up to him cause the way he changes affects my moods and makes me feel distant etc. sounds like alanon would help this so I am going to try again to go.
Thanks everyone.
Thanks everyone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thanks guys. Don't get me wrong, we do socialise without alcohol. I hardly drink and I never drink in front of him. My friends aren't big drinkers and I'm not talking pubs or big **** ups that I want him to come to. It's more just events where someone might have one or 2 beers. He says he wants to attend these events, I was just asking for help as to how to go about supporting him through this as its still really hard for him.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Hi Lee
I am currently with a RABF, sober for almost 6 months.
Very early days in his sobriety.
I was with him for approx. 3 years as an active alcoholic.
I broke up with him because I made a choice that I didn't want to be with an active alcoholic.
We had roughly 3 months apart & he decided on his own he wanted to be sober.
It's important to focus on our own recoveries & let them do the work they need to remain sober.
I know there is a risk of relapse & that is something that I will face if it happens but I try not to live in fear of it.
One day at a time.
I am currently with a RABF, sober for almost 6 months.
Very early days in his sobriety.
I was with him for approx. 3 years as an active alcoholic.
I broke up with him because I made a choice that I didn't want to be with an active alcoholic.
We had roughly 3 months apart & he decided on his own he wanted to be sober.
It's important to focus on our own recoveries & let them do the work they need to remain sober.
I know there is a risk of relapse & that is something that I will face if it happens but I try not to live in fear of it.
One day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 11
Thanks Rosie. I have to say I am a very positive person and I believe in supporting my partner and don't think that has to mean jeopardising my own needs. I am finding a lot of people's post on here very negative and focused on the fact that my partner WILL relapse. I don't like to think this way. I know it's a possibility hence why I am trying to educate myself however none of you know that this will definitely happen. I think, stay positive and educated but not negative. Thinking the worst is not going to help anyone. Good luck Rosie xx
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Lee, I just told you about my first husband, now sober 33 years. We divorced because I was no longer "into" the marriage, not because of his alcoholism. He worked a terrific recovery program, was a great husband to me, a great dad to our kids, and is a great husband to his second wife. We are still good friends, still talk on the phone every week or so just because we enjoy talking (kiddos now grown).
So yeah, it can all have a positive outcome, although I think it's a lot of work and many marriages (maybe most) DON'T make it--even if there are no relapses. My concern is that it doesn't sound like your husband is on real solid ground with his recovery. But regardless of what he does, Al-Anon recovery can help you feel much more balanced and at ease in your own life.
So yeah, it can all have a positive outcome, although I think it's a lot of work and many marriages (maybe most) DON'T make it--even if there are no relapses. My concern is that it doesn't sound like your husband is on real solid ground with his recovery. But regardless of what he does, Al-Anon recovery can help you feel much more balanced and at ease in your own life.
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