Partner relapsed after we were told I am going to miscarry
 

Hi there

I went for my 12 week scan this week and was unfortunately told that I am now going to have a miscarriage. My partner had been just over three months sober and on the same day went out, drank two bottles of vodka and did crack. He has been drinking all weekend. Last night he came home drunk and tried to pick a fight with our neighbours by parking his car right up close (touching their car) to their car as they had parked outside our house. Granted its annoying as they do it all the time but yesterday wasn't the day to argue about such thing. I had to run out and move his car as he wouldn't do it just to avoid a fight with the neighbours. Just wasn't what I wanted to do when I was laying there with cramping pains.

I'm not angry and I'm not surprised. It was pretty awful seeing and empty sac on the screen and its even worse waiting for your body to miscarry. I suppose I just wanted to tell someone as I feel I can't tell my friends and family that he has relapsed. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I just feel like I haven't got the head space to deal with his problems at the moment but feel like I need to be understanding too. On the upside he has gone back to AA today.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

So, so sorry KKE. For both of you right now.

Wow, I just posted a long whiny rant and then I get a huge dose of perspective. I'm so very sorry for the things you are going through. I'm new here but my heart goes out to you. Sending you much love and courage.

Thank you

Everything in life is relative (IMO) so your situation is just as painful for you and you've got every right to feel sad about it.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Oh, KKE, I'm so very sorry to hear about this!

KKE - I am so sorry for your loss. Right now, the little girl sleeping next to me would not be here if I had not gone through the pain you are going through right now. At 13 weeks of pregnancy, I was given the same message you were - they could see no heartbeat, no baby, just an empty sac.

I know the pain. I know all the hopes and dreams you are grieving right now. And I am so very sorry your husband chose to relapse instead of being there for you when you needed him the most. It's a very lonely feeling. I know it doesn't help right now, I know you are grieving the baby you had in your mind already held in your arms. Just know there is life after the pain of losing a baby. There is possibility of babies in your future. Even if it right now feels like the pain is too big for you to ever want to try again.

The only advice I have (and please mods don't smack me for giving advice) is that it sounds like you opted for going home and waiting instead of having an immediate D&C. Please, if you feel strange or physically weak once the miscarriage starts, if the bleeding is very heavy, call 911 and get to the hospital. As wives of alcoholics, we are prone to minimizing our own physical pain and symptoms and in a situation like yours, you can't afford that. You need medical help if your bleeding is excessive - I misjudged "excessive" and while it ended up OK, it was close. I too had a husband who chose to get drunk instead of supporting me. I drove myself to my doctor's office and got to ride an ambulance to the ER. They couldn't believe I was functioning with all the blood I had lost.

Also, please find help to deal with your loss. Especially with a husband who now will be completely busy trying to get back on the wagon (I hope & pray), you cannot count on him for support. Please don't underestimate your own need for support at this time. Please don't prioritize worrying about his relapse. You are in pain and you have every right to feel and deal with your loss. The alcoholic doesn't get to be the center if attention here.

The little girl sleeping next to me was the baby I had after my miscarriage. She is a wonderful young woman and I cannot imagine life without her. Sometimes the reward we get after a painful loss makes the loss easier to bear. Even if it takes time.

Lots of hugs for you tonight. Please take good care of yourself and know you have every right to your grief and your pain.

So very sorry this is happening to you, and that you are not getting the support you need. Hugs to you.

Whilst I do understand that he's finding it hard to cope, it just adds to the strain of things. It's like one minute I was looking forward to having a baby with my partner who was sober, really getting into AA and positive about the future. The next minute I'm about to miscarry and my partner is f##ked out of his face on drink and drugs.

At least there is a positive and he has gone back to AA today. It just feels like I'm not allowed to just feel sorry and rubbish for myself. His stuff has to get in there too.

Yes, I have chosen to go home and wait it out.

I'm sorry KKE. :hug:

I'm so sorry, KKE. I lit a candle for you and your little one...

May you find comfort physically, mentally and emotionally...

Gentle hugs,
posie

protect them and guide them
 

I am so sorry KKE.
I have had a miscarriage.
It has been years past, but I do remember the pain of my alcoholic ex not being there for support or comfort.
Can't put it any better than Amy did. Do not minimize your pain or bleeding, get help right away, and have a plan.

I am sorry.

Beth

Very sorry for your loss KKE. Take care of yourself.

I totally get you.
Even when it should be mostly about you, it has to be about him.
He has to add to the drama, as if it not enough already.

Your strong.
You will get through this.
My advice is to look after yourself, both physically and mentally.
Wrap yourself in a duvet and don't move.
Leave him to it.

I am going to be thinking of you all day today and will be saying prayers for you.
Please, please keep coming here.

I also agree, any symptoms that are worrying you go straight to A&E, don't call NHS direct or 111. Just go.

I wish I could hold your hand through this.

Big love to you
xxxx

Thank you all for your kind words.

So sorry for your loss and I can relate so well. I have a 10 year old now, but several months before I got pregnant with her, I also miscarried after years of trying to get pregnant. My husband, the functioning alcoholic, has never been on the wagon 'per say" and drinks more some days then others, but did decide to use that as an excuse to leave me home to deal and go cry on his friends shoulder and get profusely drunk. I was scheduled for a d&c the following Monday (we found no heartbeat on a Friday) and I started miscarrying Saturday morning. The pain and bleeding was almost unbearable, but I made it until Monday and still had the d&c. God blessed with a perfect pregnancy just two months later. Prayers your way and if the bleeding and pain get too bad, get in and see a doctor and possibly get that d&c!!

When things get tough some people are stayers and some people are runners.

Stayers stand there and participate in life, even when it is hard.

Runners drink. They avoid life, especially when it is hard.

The toxic part for the stayer is when they participate in the runners life more than their own. It is like drowning.


KKE - Right now your husband is running. Don't get caught up in his life/running. You need all your attention right now. Care for yourself. :hug:

Wow, Thumper, you are an amazing poster.
You can make a point, but do it so well, with such a minimum of words.

Exactly right KKE.

I also forgot to say that less than a year and a half later I had a perfectly healthy huge baby boy. I had to have a D&C too. The bleeding was bad after the miscarriage, please keep a watch on you. Do you have a girlfriend or relative who will come and watch you? Or keep an eye on you?

Beth

Oh he runs away from anything that causes him stress/anxiety. Always finds a great excuse too. A couple of hours ago or so ago when he got back from AA he announced he wanted to have a BBQ..... Weird..... Anyway this of course means he can go to the supermarket. He's been gone for well over an hour now. What I hate is having part of my mind thinking "will he be back? I'd he getting a sneaky drink in?" Etc. I'm guessing when you are with someone who isn't an alcoholic and your going through this it's just a given that they will be back ASAP.

Today though I'm laying under my blanket on the sofa, reading people's posts and my cat is allowing me to play with his feet which he usually hates. So let him have his bloody BBQ! Lol!