Betrayed and Stupidly Surprised
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
All I am experiencing is the feeling that I am unloveable and unworthy, the feeling I seem to always go back to because it was imprinted on my psyche as a child by my cold and unloving father.
The three C’s come to mind –you didn’t Cause it, you Can’t cure it and you Can’t control it and neither can anyone else you might bring into the mix like his brother.
I think it is a blessing that things played out the way it did – kind of out of your CONTROL and as you said “I could never seem to find a way out for myself” .
All those emotions you are feeling, anger and all the rest are normal. It’s part of the grieving process and it’s often something we codies attempt to stop at all costs because it’s just to painful and we are not real great at just allowing things to happen naturally.
The “mirror” we see them as manipulative, using our own feelings against us when they wanted or needed something…….YET we often don’t see ourselves as manipulative or controlling because we do those things out of “love”.
In the beginning of any new relationship everyone is on their best behavior, they sell themselves as IDEAL mates. We codies JUMP on board with all we have, fall fast and hard madly in love and that’s usually in the first few weeks or months. We don’t know or understand what the red flags are with people. We don’t allow ourselves the opportunity of time to get to truly know someone and spend quality time with them before we FEEL madly in love with them.
Moving forward you have the opportunity of KNOWLEDGE - about yourself and about WHAT YOU DO NOT WANT in a partner.
Keep reading, keep moving ahead with an open mind and happiness is with in you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Beth, You are right. Alcoholics are nothing like kids and pets! I guess I was thinking about the times I got sick, or was upset about something, and he was never there for me as a source of strength because he had the emotional maturity of a moody, irrational teenager. The difference is that kids are immature because they are kids which is developmentally appropriate, and alcoholics are immature because they are sick.
You brought up a very interesting point about narcissists using the word love to punish people. I think you are onto something there and it's given me a lot to think about.
You brought up a very interesting point about narcissists using the word love to punish people. I think you are onto something there and it's given me a lot to think about.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Atalose, You certainly pinpointed the way I jump into relationships. The guys present themselves as the ideal mate, and then I idealize them even more. I'm not sure I've ever actually seen a man for who he was at the moment; I've always just seen who he could be after I transformed him with my love. What a joke. 
If I consider what I DO NOT want in a partner, all that comes to mind is the fact that I DO NOT want a partner at all. I have never been single a day in my life since I was 13 years old--I am 40 now. This last relationship with my exabf really did me in. How can I ever fully recover from the effects of his betrayal? I know I can find happiness and peace alone, but how can I ever trust myself in a relationship again?
I have my kids and I'm a good mother, albeit a little codie and overprotective at times. I'm also a good friend. But I suck at relationships, and all they have ever been for me is a constant source of pain. Why bother with them anymore?
Anyway, thank you for your kind words.
If I consider what I DO NOT want in a partner, all that comes to mind is the fact that I DO NOT want a partner at all. I have never been single a day in my life since I was 13 years old--I am 40 now. This last relationship with my exabf really did me in. How can I ever fully recover from the effects of his betrayal? I know I can find happiness and peace alone, but how can I ever trust myself in a relationship again?
I have my kids and I'm a good mother, albeit a little codie and overprotective at times. I'm also a good friend. But I suck at relationships, and all they have ever been for me is a constant source of pain. Why bother with them anymore?
Anyway, thank you for your kind words.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You brought up a very interesting point about narcissists using the word love to punish people. I think you are onto something there and it's given me a lot to think about.
wow! my signature line (thanks Lexie!) explains how my last relationship went.
I want intimacy (I say) then I push it away by becoming a therapist!
40 is way too young to think you will not have a relationship ever.
I am not giving up. I am going to continue to work on me (54 years old), and I now believe I will be okay no matter what happens.
Oh you did say that. that you would be okay alone. Why don't we both just let it go?
Just for today.
I have more thinking to do. Much much more. Being punished for loving or trusting.
Yes.
Beth
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Alcohol is an alcoholic's trigger.
Drugs are a drug addict's trigger.
And relationships are a codependent's trigger.
Codies are relationship junkies but the difference with alcoholics and addicts is that they MUST give up their substances in order to live a clean and healthy life……giving up relationships is not a healthy choice, but learning how to have healthy ones is.
Relationships are suppose to enhance our lives, people are suppose to come into our lives to share our happiness………….not become our soul source of happiness.
Learning to be happy and content alone is a must for codies before they can venture into any kind of a relationships and expect therm to last.
Take this time to find YOU, discover what makes YOU HAPPY, take some class’s, travel, do LIFE alone for a while and see where that takes you…………..
Drugs are a drug addict's trigger.
And relationships are a codependent's trigger.
Codies are relationship junkies but the difference with alcoholics and addicts is that they MUST give up their substances in order to live a clean and healthy life……giving up relationships is not a healthy choice, but learning how to have healthy ones is.
Relationships are suppose to enhance our lives, people are suppose to come into our lives to share our happiness………….not become our soul source of happiness.
Learning to be happy and content alone is a must for codies before they can venture into any kind of a relationships and expect therm to last.
Take this time to find YOU, discover what makes YOU HAPPY, take some class’s, travel, do LIFE alone for a while and see where that takes you…………..
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
The problem with CLINGING to an unhealthy relationship, whether a father, lover, or other, is that we have given them the power of DEFINING who WE ARE.
Do you want your dad to define you forever?
Your exbf?
WHO do you want to define who you are?
Go outside. Sit down, and listen to the birds. It is just you and the world around you. No exbf is there, no father. Just you. Who are you?
That's why we have to let it go. Otherwise, others define us forever.
Take your power of definition of yourself back. How?
Stop letting others rent space in your head for free. Consciously, tell yourself, I will not think about him right now. I will not think about him today.
Eventually...I will not think about him this week. When you catch yourself, change the subject!!! IN YOUR HEAD.
Another way to get the focus back on yourself is to journal. One rule though--no talking about dad or xbf in the journal. Only talk about yourself, things you are interested in, things your learned today, people you met, songs you heard, sights you saw, anything but THEM. It's an exercise in YOU, about you, for you.
Do you want your dad to define you forever?
Your exbf?
WHO do you want to define who you are?
Go outside. Sit down, and listen to the birds. It is just you and the world around you. No exbf is there, no father. Just you. Who are you?
That's why we have to let it go. Otherwise, others define us forever.
Take your power of definition of yourself back. How?
Stop letting others rent space in your head for free. Consciously, tell yourself, I will not think about him right now. I will not think about him today.
Eventually...I will not think about him this week. When you catch yourself, change the subject!!! IN YOUR HEAD.
Another way to get the focus back on yourself is to journal. One rule though--no talking about dad or xbf in the journal. Only talk about yourself, things you are interested in, things your learned today, people you met, songs you heard, sights you saw, anything but THEM. It's an exercise in YOU, about you, for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 
The problem with CLINGING to an unhealthy relationship, whether a father, lover, or other, is that we have given them the power of DEFINING who WE ARE.
Do you want your dad to define you forever?
Your exbf?
WHO do you want to define who you are?
Go outside. Sit down, and listen to the birds. It is just you and the world around you. No exbf is there, no father. Just you. Who are you?
That's why we have to let it go. Otherwise, others define us forever.
Take your power of definition of yourself back. How?
Stop letting others rent space in your head for free. Consciously, tell yourself, I will not think about him right now. I will not think about him today.
Eventually...I will not think about him this week. When you catch yourself, change the subject!!! IN YOUR HEAD.
Another way to get the focus back on yourself is to journal. One rule though--no talking about dad or xbf in the journal. Only talk about yourself, things you are interested in, things your learned today, people you met, songs you heard, sights you saw, anything but THEM. It's an exercise in YOU, about you, for you.
Do you want your dad to define you forever?
Your exbf?
WHO do you want to define who you are?
Go outside. Sit down, and listen to the birds. It is just you and the world around you. No exbf is there, no father. Just you. Who are you?
That's why we have to let it go. Otherwise, others define us forever.
Take your power of definition of yourself back. How?
Stop letting others rent space in your head for free. Consciously, tell yourself, I will not think about him right now. I will not think about him today.
Eventually...I will not think about him this week. When you catch yourself, change the subject!!! IN YOUR HEAD.
Another way to get the focus back on yourself is to journal. One rule though--no talking about dad or xbf in the journal. Only talk about yourself, things you are interested in, things your learned today, people you met, songs you heard, sights you saw, anything but THEM. It's an exercise in YOU, about you, for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity
Atalose, You certainly pinpointed the way I jump into relationships. The guys present themselves as the ideal mate, and then I idealize them even more. I'm not sure I've ever actually seen a man for who he was at the moment; I've always just seen who he could be after I transformed him with my love. What a joke.
If I consider what I DO NOT want in a partner, all that comes to mind is the fact that I DO NOT want a partner at all. I have never been single a day in my life since I was 13 years old--I am 40 now. This last relationship with my exabf really did me in. How can I ever fully recover from the effects of his betrayal? I know I can find happiness and peace alone, but how can I ever trust myself in a relationship again?
I have my kids and I'm a good mother, albeit a little codie and overprotective at times. I'm also a good friend. But I suck at relationships, and all they have ever been for me is a constant source of pain. Why bother with them anymore?
Anyway, thank you for your kind words.
If I consider what I DO NOT want in a partner, all that comes to mind is the fact that I DO NOT want a partner at all. I have never been single a day in my life since I was 13 years old--I am 40 now. This last relationship with my exabf really did me in. How can I ever fully recover from the effects of his betrayal? I know I can find happiness and peace alone, but how can I ever trust myself in a relationship again?
I have my kids and I'm a good mother, albeit a little codie and overprotective at times. I'm also a good friend. But I suck at relationships, and all they have ever been for me is a constant source of pain. Why bother with them anymore?
Anyway, thank you for your kind words.
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