..... hurt beyond words!!

Old 12-12-2012, 02:53 PM
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..... hurt beyond words!!

Hi There-

I am new here and started reading what others have posted and I realized I am where I am supposed to be!!

A brief history Ė I am 25 and my ex is almost 30. We have dated for 6 years and lived together for 3 1/2. I knew when I met him he was a drinker. I thought it was fun. I was 20 and getting into the best bars. It was great. I assumed that he only did it on the weekends when we would go out (because thatís how I was). It never occurred to me that he did this 4 nights a week.

Then we moved in together. It should have been a sign when the first thing in our fridge was a case of beer! Anyways, so the drinking continued and I started noticing when at the bar he would disappear. Turns out he was doing coke. I had never in my life seen in or done it and I wouldnít tolerate it. EVER! So, I thought I made that clear to him. A year passed and his drinking was an issue. A major issue. He would sneak out, hide alcohol. He would take our dog for a walk and drink while he was.. the entire time telling me he was sober and that he quit drinking.

One day, he disappeared for an entire day. Told me he was going to get a movie and never came home. He came stumbling in telling me how he lied and he didnít really quite drinking but he was ready now. Again, I believed him. He came clean about the drug use and alcohol. I was shocked!! Then he got sober. For a year and three months. It was the best. He was great. I did suggest that he should go to AA because he would be around other people that are going through the same thing as him but he wouldnít. (said they preached and he didnít believe in God). After over a year he said he could just drink beer. YEAH RIGHT!! Like a fool, I believed him again.
For about 2 years now, we have constantly fought over the drinking. He went from getting loud when he was drunk to throwing things to eventually hitting. I finally broke down one day and said I wasnít happy. He didnít care.

I moved out the beginning of the month. We were still together just living separately. I care about him, I love him. But I needed to get myself back and he needed to do the same. He has been drunk and going to the bars every single night. Then he calls drunk and tells me about women he met at the bar and what hes done with them. It truly makes me sick thinking about it. Last Friday night I went over to get a few things and as I pull up he is stumbling out of his car, opening the door for not 1 but 2 women who are even drunker than him. I am pretty sure he slept with them. (ok, 150% positive something happened). When I confronted him about it, he laughed. He told me that he didnít sleep with them because by me showing up I ruined his chances. How can someone say these things and do these things after all I have done for him.

The worst partÖ. I still care about him!!!! He has played with my head so bad that I donít know what to do. I moved out, I try not to answer. But I do. I want him to change and I donít know how to get him to see that. He is better than this. He Is!! I know him.. the real him. I told him my biggest fear was that he would do something that is unforgivable.. and this is it!! Is this him or the alcohol??

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 12-12-2012, 02:58 PM
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Hi, Meg. Welcome to SR. So glad you found us, but so sorry for the reason why.

The number one thing to know about alcoholism are the 3 C's:

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You won't Cure it

I think you probably already know the first C, because he was a drinker when you got together, but it sounds like you're struggling with the second one. You can want him to change until the cows come home, but until he wants that for himself, he never will.

Please hang around and read all you can stand, especially the Stickies at the top of the F&F forum; they contain incredible information about alcoholism and experiences of those who love alcoholics.

As for what you should do right now, my only suggestion is educate yourself about alcoholism so you can understand what it is that both you and he are up against.

Sending strength and courage your way.
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Old 12-12-2012, 03:06 PM
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Thank You so much!! I am just struggling with do I stay away or should I be here more for him now?? Thats the hardest part. I feel like he is pushing me away but also begging for me to help!!
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Old 12-12-2012, 03:32 PM
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"Thank You so much!! I am just struggling with do I stay away or should I be here more for him now??"

If your being there would have had a positive impact on him, he would be clean and sober and working a strong recovery program...he is makes no difference if you are with him or not. It is all up to him. he has a disease that has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean/sober and working a recovery program for life or not...that's it.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this and all the Family & Friends Forums and cynical one's blogs.

Many times alcohol and coke go hand in hand, they get drunk and then do crack/coke, would watch his actions from afar and go from there.
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Old 12-12-2012, 03:43 PM
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the question is meg...why do you think you dont deserve more than this man is giving you? he has lied to you, cheated, manipulated, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused you. he sounds like a real catch.

everyone here who has tried to be there for a loved one has wanted to cure their disease with love and support. read other peoples stories and your heart will be saddened with the sheer number of lives that addiction takes with them.

i take it you have no kids with your partner. which is a good thing. let him live his life the way he chooses. you are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHOICES HE MAKES. read books about codependency and all the stickies in here. you are half way to freedom, in the fact that you are not living with him. it shows that you have strength. good for you. you deserve more, but whats that saying, better the devil you know maybe?

good luck and hope you find the answers you seek.
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Old 12-12-2012, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by meg597 View Post
Thank You so much!! I am just struggling with do I stay away or should I be here more for him now?? Thats the hardest part. I feel like he is pushing me away but also begging for me to help!!
I'm not really seeing the begging for help part in what you've described...calling to tell you about the women he's hooked up with at bars sounds a lot more like pushing you away. Also the hitting and the fighting and the broken promises...I guess I wonder what positive results being there for him has had so far?

When they tell you what to do in case of a problem in an airplane, they tell you that you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else with theirs. This is true with alcoholism as well. There's a reason that you are not letting go despite all you've been through, and until you work out what that is, nothing will change for you.

You've made a tremendous step in reaching out here for help. There are a lot of people who understand what it's like. You're not alone or unique in this struggle. I hope you stick around as you navigate this next part of your journey.
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:28 PM
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Maybe you think he's better than that but actually he's not.
Maybe it's just that you believe he's better than that.
I've just learnt a valuable truth & I now know my ex alcoholic really isn't better than that although I thought he was.
SR is a great place for support, advice & information on alcoholism.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Going no contact as hard as it can be may be beneficial to you.
Hugs, we're here for you.
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Old 12-12-2012, 06:06 PM
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Whether it's the alcohol or it's him ...his behavior with these women and flaunting that in your face is revolting and unacceptable.

You are young enough to have children ... Do your want your sons acting like this?
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Old 12-12-2012, 10:29 PM
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"Is this him or the alcohol??" (meg597)

What difference does it matter? Unacceptable is unacceptable. You moved out for a reason. Keep reminding yourself of that.

He is showing you who he is...... believe him.

For years, I was committed to an active alkie. Each day, I struggled with " He is such a wonderful person when he is sober." Well, the sober guy was becoming more of a memory,........the reality, I was with an out of control alcoholic, he was emotional unavailable, turned my life into a living hell.

I can only suggest you take your life back, honestly there is NO future with an addict. Going no contact is for your wellbeing, perhaps you could consider it. I understand that you are hurting. Please know we are here to support you. Wishing you peace.
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Old 12-13-2012, 06:37 AM
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be patient with yourself....i was once in your shoes too...

i am glad you do feel worth it to MOVE OUT...that is huge...and you did it! congrats...

THINGS DONT CHANGE UNLESS THINGS CHANGE....meaning you can change things..boundaries is one(and sticking with them!)....only you can decide how to deal with your life...with or without him..

caring about him is good, its called compassion for him and his disease...
read the stickies...maybe Melody Beatties books...and perhaps a 12 step program...
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Old 12-13-2012, 07:29 AM
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Good morning meg597,

Thank you for sharing. Your words remind me of exactly where I used to be. When I was with my XABF for a little over 3 years, whenever we broke up he went out and did similar things as you have described. I used to believe that I knew who he really was too. I wanted to believe that the man who cried to me many nights saying he wished he could get his life together was the real him. I really believed that no one knew him like I did and then I got to a point where I said to myself that he is all of these people--he is the drunk, he is the one who wants to change, he is the liar, the manipulator, he is all of these people. I continually wanted to control him to be that one image that I saw of him, the man who wanted to change, and I ignored everything else. I believed his WORDS of wanting to change, but I ignored his ACTIONS of drinking, stealing, lying, etc.

Really and truly, I could have and should have left. I was not happy and whenever I was happy was when I was able to control him, i.e., whenever he was sober, responsible, not hanging with his drinking buddies, being thoughtful and romantic, and hanging with me. I reached a point where I had to come to terms with my controlling nature AND my low self-esteem. There was something about feeling like I could change him and make him a better man that made me feel better about myself. When he did sober up for a few months, I took a lot of pride in being the one by his side and when people attributed his success to having a supporter such as myself around. When I came to terms with who I am and how I contributed to my own unhappiness and situation, it became harder to stay knowing that I could never be happy with him unless I could control him. I truly wanted to seek a man who I didn't have to change, didn't have to tell him how to dress, how to behave, how much to drink. Trying to change, control, or strongly encourage someone to stop drinking and behave accordingly is exhausting and honestly, NOT my job. I spent so much time making it my mission, but it is not.

Now, I'm focusing on myself, trying to change myself, better myself and no one else and hopefully someday I can find someone who I can be happy with and not have the urge to fix him. I learned that whether or not he wants to drink is his choice. If he was able to be sober for 6 months, surely he can keep going. It's a matter of choice and my choice ultimately was to focus on me and find someone who does not have a drinking problem.

Take care and keep coming back!
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