Good morning meg597,
Thank you for sharing. Your words remind me of exactly where I used to be. When I was with my XABF for a little over 3 years, whenever we broke up he went out and did similar things as you have described. I used to believe that I knew who he really was too. I wanted to believe that the man who cried to me many nights saying he wished he could get his life together was the real him. I really believed that no one knew him like I did and then I got to a point where I said to myself that he is all of these people--he is the drunk, he is the one who wants to change, he is the liar, the manipulator, he is all of these people. I continually wanted to control him to be that one image that I saw of him, the man who wanted to change, and I ignored everything else. I believed his WORDS of wanting to change, but I ignored his ACTIONS of drinking, stealing, lying, etc.
Really and truly, I could have and should have left. I was not happy and whenever I was happy was when I was able to control him, i.e., whenever he was sober, responsible, not hanging with his drinking buddies, being thoughtful and romantic, and hanging with me. I reached a point where I had to come to terms with my controlling nature AND my low self-esteem. There was something about feeling like I could change him and make him a better man that made me feel better about myself. When he did sober up for a few months, I took a lot of pride in being the one by his side and when people attributed his success to having a supporter such as myself around. When I came to terms with who I am and how I contributed to my own unhappiness and situation, it became harder to stay knowing that I could never be happy with him unless I could control him. I truly wanted to seek a man who I didn't have to change, didn't have to tell him how to dress, how to behave, how much to drink. Trying to change, control, or strongly encourage someone to stop drinking and behave accordingly is exhausting and honestly, NOT my job. I spent so much time making it my mission, but it is not.
Now, I'm focusing on myself, trying to change myself, better myself and no one else and hopefully someday I can find someone who I can be happy with and not have the urge to fix him. I learned that whether or not he wants to drink is his choice. If he was able to be sober for 6 months, surely he can keep going. It's a matter of choice and my choice ultimately was to focus on me and find someone who does not have a drinking problem.
Take care and keep coming back!