What do YOU want in a partner/relationship/etc
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
P.S. to #39: I do think that the word "same" in the second REALITY above is not accurate.
Alcoholics and addicts have:
Alcoholics and addicts have:
1. higher rates of alcoholism and addiction in their birth families (with all the additional problems that flow from that too, which other families don't suffer at the same rates); as well as
2. higher rates of dual diagnoses (i..e., concurrent other mental health issues).
2. higher rates of dual diagnoses (i..e., concurrent other mental health issues).
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
My List
My List:
Doesn't get ticked off at everything
Can laugh, a lot
Doesn't get caught up in everyones' emotions/troubles - realizes that you can have empathy without taking on their pain
Has a more positive attitude and outlook
Does what they say they are going to do - stops making excuses for things not getting done
Doesn't blame everything on everyone else in the world
Doesn't get ticked off at everything
Can laugh, a lot
Doesn't get caught up in everyones' emotions/troubles - realizes that you can have empathy without taking on their pain
Has a more positive attitude and outlook
Does what they say they are going to do - stops making excuses for things not getting done
Doesn't blame everything on everyone else in the world
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
While I am reading down the long list of what everybody wants in a relationship---I started to feel so sad. There are so many common denominators--like respect. One can just "feel" what so many people are living without.
We are born with the capacity for love and peace and joy--it is our birthright. This is necessary for us to thrive and reach our potential. We all deserve to have an environment that allows for these experiences in this life.
Anything less just seems to be against basic humanity.
I just want to cry for every soul that does not have this.
dandylion
We are born with the capacity for love and peace and joy--it is our birthright. This is necessary for us to thrive and reach our potential. We all deserve to have an environment that allows for these experiences in this life.
Anything less just seems to be against basic humanity.
I just want to cry for every soul that does not have this.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
My List:
Doesn't get ticked off at everything
Can laugh, a lot
Doesn't get caught up in everyones' emotions/troubles - realizes that you can have empathy without taking on their pain
Has a more positive attitude and outlook
Does what they say they are going to do - stops making excuses for things not getting done
Doesn't blame everything on everyone else in the world
Doesn't get ticked off at everything
Can laugh, a lot
Doesn't get caught up in everyones' emotions/troubles - realizes that you can have empathy without taking on their pain
Has a more positive attitude and outlook
Does what they say they are going to do - stops making excuses for things not getting done
Doesn't blame everything on everyone else in the world
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
It is funny you ask this now. I started counceling again, and I think I am just now realizing how little respect and love I had been living with. A group of men that I work with for about a week at a time during the year came in last week. We have all gotten to know each other pretty well over the last few years. They are all handsome, respectful and very, very funny. They are all amazed by the work I do with them and never have anything but compliments to pay to me.
I went to a counceling session Wednesday, at lunch break, last week and then came back to the office. I was joking around with them and asking about their families. They always ask about my boys and we talk about halloween coming up. They noticed new things and quotes I hang up in my office since the last time, they were here.
I went to the copy room and could not stop crying. There are still nice men out there. I cannot believe it takes such a little amount of kindness to bring me to tears. I have lived with such anger for so many years, that I think my system went into shock after having some nice attention turned my way. Embarrassing and sad really....
But I realized what types of things I will look for when I am ready. I do know that now, in a future relationship I will insist on someone:
Present (physically and emotionally)
Funny (Nothing is sexier to me.)
Kind
Notices me daily
Enjoys that I like to try new things, not see it as flaky
Respectful, I will never be belittled again.
Someone who will go to the grocery store or other lame day to day chores with me. (It dawned on me this weekend that my ex had not gone to the store with me in about 12 years)
Will share in the emotional burden of dealing with the financial issues.
Someone I would be proud to be with at work functions or family functions.
Someone who does not need there ego stroked constantly.
I know now that looks will always be near the bottom, but a bonus of course. I have always gone for the man who looks great, and everything looks good on paper. But I don't think I ever really look under the hood and that has gotten me in trouble everytime.
Liz, I have followed your story for a long time now. And I really hope you can find the answers you are looking for. Finding out what you want and deserve in life is not an easy road, but it is a good one.
I went to a counceling session Wednesday, at lunch break, last week and then came back to the office. I was joking around with them and asking about their families. They always ask about my boys and we talk about halloween coming up. They noticed new things and quotes I hang up in my office since the last time, they were here.
I went to the copy room and could not stop crying. There are still nice men out there. I cannot believe it takes such a little amount of kindness to bring me to tears. I have lived with such anger for so many years, that I think my system went into shock after having some nice attention turned my way. Embarrassing and sad really....
But I realized what types of things I will look for when I am ready. I do know that now, in a future relationship I will insist on someone:
Present (physically and emotionally)
Funny (Nothing is sexier to me.)
Kind
Notices me daily
Enjoys that I like to try new things, not see it as flaky
Respectful, I will never be belittled again.
Someone who will go to the grocery store or other lame day to day chores with me. (It dawned on me this weekend that my ex had not gone to the store with me in about 12 years)
Will share in the emotional burden of dealing with the financial issues.
Someone I would be proud to be with at work functions or family functions.
Someone who does not need there ego stroked constantly.
I know now that looks will always be near the bottom, but a bonus of course. I have always gone for the man who looks great, and everything looks good on paper. But I don't think I ever really look under the hood and that has gotten me in trouble everytime.
Liz, I have followed your story for a long time now. And I really hope you can find the answers you are looking for. Finding out what you want and deserve in life is not an easy road, but it is a good one.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Ain't no one humping my leg
and those comment's are really make me sick...
Heard those "male" comments for to many years from a drunk!
Sorry but thats how I feel about that!
Wrong place and too many woman in this place to be throwing
out, sexual fantasy thoughts...
Sorry but thats how I feel about that!
and those comment's are really make me sick...
Heard those "male" comments for to many years from a drunk!
Sorry but thats how I feel about that!
Wrong place and too many woman in this place to be throwing
out, sexual fantasy thoughts...
Sorry but thats how I feel about that!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Honesty.
Respect.
Peace.
Partnership.
That has to be the foundation that the love is built on.
I only have one child old enough to date, but what I tell all my kids is to marry their best friend. Because companionship, compatibility, and respect don't go away. Looks, money, position, six-pack abs, cute hair, it can all go away in a heartbeat.
I do know that if someone had asked me in a room with my AXH, I would have been dumbfounded, because it wouldn't have been an even playing field. If I had said "honesty" he would have said "when have I EVER been dishonest with you?" and if I couldn't prove in writing that he had lied, he would have declared himself the WINNER and told me I was the one being dishonest because clearly, he had ALWAYS been honest with me. The same down the list.
Which sort of gets me back to the point someone else made: Until the alcoholism is dealt with, all other healing is impossible. And seriously, is there anyone here who's been in a relationship with an alcoholic who doesn't have the deep-rooted feeling that any weakness or flaw you admitted would only be held against you and rubbed in your face the next time s/he flew off the handle???
I'm not perfect. I wasn't perfect in that marriage. But the problems of that marriage were rooted in alcoholism. I'd take on anyone blaming me for his drinking in a fist fight, and I can guarantee you my anger would be such that I'd win.
Respect.
Peace.
Partnership.
That has to be the foundation that the love is built on.
I only have one child old enough to date, but what I tell all my kids is to marry their best friend. Because companionship, compatibility, and respect don't go away. Looks, money, position, six-pack abs, cute hair, it can all go away in a heartbeat.
I do know that if someone had asked me in a room with my AXH, I would have been dumbfounded, because it wouldn't have been an even playing field. If I had said "honesty" he would have said "when have I EVER been dishonest with you?" and if I couldn't prove in writing that he had lied, he would have declared himself the WINNER and told me I was the one being dishonest because clearly, he had ALWAYS been honest with me. The same down the list.
Which sort of gets me back to the point someone else made: Until the alcoholism is dealt with, all other healing is impossible. And seriously, is there anyone here who's been in a relationship with an alcoholic who doesn't have the deep-rooted feeling that any weakness or flaw you admitted would only be held against you and rubbed in your face the next time s/he flew off the handle???
I'm not perfect. I wasn't perfect in that marriage. But the problems of that marriage were rooted in alcoholism. I'd take on anyone blaming me for his drinking in a fist fight, and I can guarantee you my anger would be such that I'd win.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
When my counselor asked me to make a list of what I needed from a husband, or from my soon to be ex - I had no idea what to put on it. The struggle I had to make that list was a wake up call to me. It spoke to how utterly lost and consumed I had become in this family disease.
For my soon to be ex - sober/recovery was on the top of the list. Today, my list is not about him, and so non-alcoholic with limited social drinking is how that looks.
Working full time and financially responsible.
Security. Financial and emotional. For me the opposite of security is fear and I spent many many many years being afraid. I'd rather be alone than afraid ever again.
Dependable. Do what you say.
Accountability - be there for us, even when it is hard, especially when it is hard.
Trustworthy. I want to trust that I am the priority. I want to know, in my heart, that we are important - we are the priority not because of what I can give to you - but because of what we are together. I need to believe your words and trust will get me there (I think).
Sense of doing for others. Giving back to the community or world in some way is a value of mine. I didn't realize how important that value was until I did this. Despite the fact that he was in general a nice guy my ex wouldn't so much as pick up a stick on the neighbors lawn even if that neighbor had recently broke both legs.
Step up the parenting. Be a co-parent in a true sense of the word.
Respect me. I imagine this looks different for different people. To me this means that you do not take advantage of me with regards to chores, care taking, etc. Speak nicely to me and about me. See me as a person of my own. I have thoughts and they are mine and to be validated. I have boundaries. Respect them right off the bat. I no longer plan to fail to protect my boundaries but I also have no desire to have to fight to protect them within a personal relationship either.
Be a solid, good, role-model and co-parent.
Towards the end of my marriage especially any kind of love my ex expressed seemed like something he was taking away from me - not giving me. I felt like I had to protect myself from it and I did not - and I plan to never ever go down that path again.
For my soon to be ex - sober/recovery was on the top of the list. Today, my list is not about him, and so non-alcoholic with limited social drinking is how that looks.
Working full time and financially responsible.
Security. Financial and emotional. For me the opposite of security is fear and I spent many many many years being afraid. I'd rather be alone than afraid ever again.
Dependable. Do what you say.
Accountability - be there for us, even when it is hard, especially when it is hard.
Trustworthy. I want to trust that I am the priority. I want to know, in my heart, that we are important - we are the priority not because of what I can give to you - but because of what we are together. I need to believe your words and trust will get me there (I think).
Sense of doing for others. Giving back to the community or world in some way is a value of mine. I didn't realize how important that value was until I did this. Despite the fact that he was in general a nice guy my ex wouldn't so much as pick up a stick on the neighbors lawn even if that neighbor had recently broke both legs.
Step up the parenting. Be a co-parent in a true sense of the word.
Respect me. I imagine this looks different for different people. To me this means that you do not take advantage of me with regards to chores, care taking, etc. Speak nicely to me and about me. See me as a person of my own. I have thoughts and they are mine and to be validated. I have boundaries. Respect them right off the bat. I no longer plan to fail to protect my boundaries but I also have no desire to have to fight to protect them within a personal relationship either.
Be a solid, good, role-model and co-parent.
Towards the end of my marriage especially any kind of love my ex expressed seemed like something he was taking away from me - not giving me. I felt like I had to protect myself from it and I did not - and I plan to never ever go down that path again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I only have one child old enough to date, but what I tell all my kids is to marry their best friend. Because companionship, compatibility, and respect don't go away. Looks, money, position, six-pack abs, cute hair, it can all go away in a heartbeat.
My ex and I were great companions. We were compatible, got along, were great friends. I divorced basically the same man I married. Being best friends was not enough for me to build a life. I found I needed a lot of other stuff that my ex doesn't really have, alcoholism or not.
Which sort of gets me back to the point someone else made: Until the alcoholism is dealt with, all other healing is impossible.
I'm not perfect. I wasn't perfect in that marriage. But the problems of that marriage were rooted in alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have been thinking about this post the last few days.
I want someone in my life who is as willing to work on their LifeRecovery as I am.
It does not have to look exactly the same as mine or even resemble it closely, but the intention and the action needs to be there.
One of the pieces that has been so hard for me to let go of is that it is my fault (and only mine) about the problems in our relationship. I have come to realize that just because I was willing to work on my problems from the get go does not mean that they were all mine.
I want someone in my life who is as willing to work on their LifeRecovery as I am.
It does not have to look exactly the same as mine or even resemble it closely, but the intention and the action needs to be there.
One of the pieces that has been so hard for me to let go of is that it is my fault (and only mine) about the problems in our relationship. I have come to realize that just because I was willing to work on my problems from the get go does not mean that they were all mine.
Lot Of Love Out There, Man.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by choublak
False.
You've got a lot of learning to do.
You've got a lot of learning to do.
Now this is nice to know. A bitchy, nagging, bitter, resentful, sex withholding, belittling, constant doom and gloom spouse cannot trigger drinking or using in their alcoholic/addict. So, what are the triggers, please tell me more?
)Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by lillamy
Thumper, I think no addiction has to be point one. With addiction, everything else goes away. Including compatibility and friendship...
Just below, Chris asked what the triggers are and I'm confused. Is he calling us bitchy, nagging, sex withholding, belittling, etc? Because, if so, I think that's lumping a whole lot of people into one category.
Am I bitchy? Nope, and my AH has never accused me of it either.
Do I nag? Nope, I work really hard to NOT nag. Again, it's something my AH compliments me on.
Sex withholding? YEP, you betcha. Who wants to have sex with someone who lies to you, breaks promises, blames you for their problems, and the takes your sexual pain from your past and turns it against you to make him look like the victim? Honestly, I physically have reactions to just being near my AH if it gets too close because he has hurt me so deeply. I physically feel that 'fight or flight' adrenaline response and get sick to my stomach. It sucks and I need to work through it, but the pain is deep and I just have no desire to be intimate with anyone at this point. Put some hot actor in front of me and I'd just sit there. I'd get nothing out of it.
Belittling? Nope, that's not my style. My dad belittled the crap out of me. I may complain, I may criticize, but I don't belittle.
Maybe I took his post wrong, though, so you guys can enlighten me!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I wasn't sure how to read the post either. I think trying to define whether an unhappy marriage triggers drinking is a chicken-and-the-egg kind of argument that will just get a lot of people frustrated.
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