When my counselor asked me to make a list of what I needed from a husband, or from my soon to be ex - I had no idea what to put on it. The struggle I had to make that list was a wake up call to me. It spoke to how utterly lost and consumed I had become in this family disease.
For my soon to be ex - sober/recovery was on the top of the list. Today, my list is not about him, and so non-alcoholic with limited social drinking is how that looks.
Working full time and financially responsible.
Security. Financial and emotional. For me the opposite of security is fear and I spent many many many years being afraid. I'd rather be alone than afraid ever again.
Dependable. Do what you say.
Accountability - be there for us, even when it is hard, especially when it is hard.
Trustworthy. I want to trust that I am the priority. I want to know, in my heart, that we are important - we are the priority not because of what I can give to you - but because of what we are together. I need to believe your words and trust will get me there (I think).
Sense of doing for others. Giving back to the community or world in some way is a value of mine. I didn't realize how important that value was until I did this. Despite the fact that he was in general a nice guy my ex wouldn't so much as pick up a stick on the neighbors lawn even if that neighbor had recently broke both legs.
Step up the parenting. Be a co-parent in a true sense of the word.
Respect me. I imagine this looks different for different people. To me this means that you do not take advantage of me with regards to chores, care taking, etc. Speak nicely to me and about me. See me as a person of my own. I have thoughts and they are mine and to be validated. I have boundaries. Respect them right off the bat. I no longer plan to fail to protect my boundaries but I also have no desire to have to fight to protect them within a personal relationship either.
Be a solid, good, role-model and co-parent.
Towards the end of my marriage especially any kind of love my ex expressed seemed like something he was taking away from me - not giving me. I felt like I had to protect myself from it and I did not - and I plan to never ever go down that path again.