Blogs


Notices

What do YOU want in a partner/relationship/etc

Old 10-21-2012, 08:18 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
What do YOU want in a partner/relationship/etc

Our marriage therapist asked me what I wanted in our marriage and what I wanted from AH. Quite frankly, I couldn't even come up with a reply. I didn't even know where to start or how to phrase it properly. Things always get so heated during counseling and I get so overwhelmed that I can't think clearly. I was hoping to write some stuff down but I've got major writer's block. What would YOU say if a therapist asked this question of you.
lizatola is offline  
Old 10-21-2012, 08:30 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 30,004
Honesty
Good communication
Treats me with respect
Can make me laugh
Similar goals
Willing to compromise

That's just off the top of my head.
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
BlueSkies1 (10-21-2012), keepingmyjoy1 (10-22-2012), rainiee (10-21-2012), TakingCharge999 (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 08:40 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Blog Entries: 6
Peace
Katiekate is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Katiekate For This Useful Post:
ZiggyB (10-21-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 08:42 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,827
Blog Entries: 8
Kind and Loving
Straight Forward
No Games
fluffyflea is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to fluffyflea For This Useful Post:
BlueSkies1 (10-21-2012), keepingmyjoy1 (10-22-2012), TakingCharge999 (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 08:49 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,179
Someone who not only loves and accepts me for who I am, but who loves and accepts themselves the same way.

I am pretty lucky, because that's what I have now. I wouldn't trade a day of the past that it took to get here though. It was all worth it.
SparkleKitty is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to SparkleKitty For This Useful Post:
BlueSkies1 (10-21-2012), fluffyflea (10-21-2012), keepingmyjoy1 (10-22-2012), rainiee (10-21-2012), RollTide (10-21-2012), TakingCharge999 (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 09:05 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
I have this list on a sticky note in my wallet: To feel comfortable, safe, respected, valued and cared for. I got it from somewhere, but can't give credit because I don't remember where.

Writing it down is a good idea. It's hard to think clearly when emotions run so high.
Sueski is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Sueski For This Useful Post:
BlueSkies1 (10-21-2012), keepingmyjoy1 (10-22-2012), PaperDolls (10-22-2012), TakingCharge999 (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 09:12 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Someone who not only loves and accepts me for who I am, but who loves and accepts themselves the same way.

I am pretty lucky, because that's what I have now. I wouldn't trade a day of the past that it took to get here though. It was all worth it.
So glad that you found happiness, SparkleKitty. I thought I found that, too, but that was in between his anger, anxiety, and depression and realizing that I got lost in the mess that we were creating together.

I wrote him a letter(yes, again) to bring to therapy about what I want and here's some of what I shared:

Trust:Someone who will back up his words with actions, someone I can feel free to open up to without fearing that my feelings or thoughts will be criticized or used against me.

Loyalty: That my feelings and experiences will be treated with respect. That I will not be shamed or guilted just because I interpret things differently. That he will be loyal to me in all ways and value my loyalty to him.

Maturity: That he will act like a 45 year old man and set the right example for his son and wife. That he will strive to be a positive male role model and will have integrity in the decisions he makes in his life.

Hmmm, maybe I'm asking too much? Honestly, I don't think I am. Many of my friends are married to men who meet this criteria and then some. Why does it seem like I have to minimize what I'm looking for and dance around what I'm really looking for? UGH!
lizatola is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to lizatola For This Useful Post:
FedUpWith2Brats (10-21-2012), keepingmyjoy1 (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 09:13 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Respect.
Kindness.
Respect.
Humor.
Respect.
Generosity.
Did I mention respect? LOL

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
Confetti (10-21-2012), desertgirl (10-21-2012), PaperDolls (10-22-2012), rainiee (10-21-2012), Serenity47 (11-02-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 09:27 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,179
You aren't asking too much for you. I can't say whether you are asking too much of him. But if you don't ask for what you want you will definitely never get it.
SparkleKitty is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to SparkleKitty For This Useful Post:
FedUpWith2Brats (10-21-2012), StarCat (10-22-2012), TakingCharge999 (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 10:47 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Confetti's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Good sense of self
Kindness
Respect
Similar Values and Morals
Loving
Gentle
Great Sense of Humour
Good listener and Good Communication skills
Confetti is offline  
Old 10-21-2012, 10:48 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 522
To be me and to be happy being me - which should mean that he is happy being him, with me.
Vall is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Vall For This Useful Post:
dandylion (10-21-2012), lillamy (10-22-2012), Serenity47 (11-02-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 12:18 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lizatola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Respect.
Kindness.
Respect.
Humor.
Respect.
Generosity.
Did I mention respect? LOL

L
Did you? I didn't notice, LOL!

Yes, respect is huge. Every time I bring up respect my AH says, "Define that." He wants me to be specific as to how he's disrespected me. Seriously? Like I really want to bring stuff up so that he can defend his crappy actions again. I know his game and it drives me crazy and I work very hard to NOT get sucked in over and over again.
lizatola is offline  
Old 10-21-2012, 12:25 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
My exgf disrespected me often. I played the doormat for a while, then I decided I deserve better. I'm still single, the bar will be high for the next one
Thepatman is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Thepatman For This Useful Post:
rdlesstraveled (10-22-2012), TakingCharge999 (10-22-2012), ZiggyB (10-21-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 01:00 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,247
Never to be around an active alcoholic again.
Honesty
Respect (it goes both ways)
NYCDoglvr is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to NYCDoglvr For This Useful Post:
dandylion (10-21-2012), rsk (10-21-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 01:07 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Iceberg Ahead!
 
Titanic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Sex. With me.

That's it.

P.S. I'm a guy, just in case you were wondering!
Titanic is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Titanic For This Useful Post:
rdlesstraveled (10-22-2012), Vall (10-21-2012), WishingWell (10-21-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 01:08 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Rosiepetal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Honesty
Respect
Sense of |Humour
Rosiepetal is offline  
Old 10-21-2012, 01:14 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
After my extremely painful relationship ended with my AGF I was asked this question.
So after giving it a few moments of thought I replied:
"You know what I want? It is fairly simple.
I want a woman who treats me just as well as I treat her."
soexhausted is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to soexhausted For This Useful Post:
keepingmyjoy1 (10-22-2012), rsk (10-21-2012), SilentScout (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 01:23 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
You know what I would say and DO say in my marriage therapy?

"Things always get so heated during counseling and I get so overwhelmed that I can't think clearly."

Stop the spinning. Tell the therapist that you need it to slow down so that you can be heard and your thoughts can be clear. Take a breath. If you feel that you are overwhelmed at that moment, with such an important question - your therapist needs to pause and let you gather your thoughts.

You're paying them for this service - get the help you need and get your statements out! The time there is too valuable to waste if you're not being helped too!
WishingWell is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to WishingWell For This Useful Post:
lillamy (10-22-2012), TakingCharge999 (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 01:28 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Can ask you something?

Are you seeing what it is that you are doing that is causing difficulty in your marriage? Are you seeing the part you play in the problems he has with this marriage? Beyond alcohol?

I wonder sometimes with all the finger pointing - are we seeing OUR stuff? What they need and aren't getting from us? If it was only and all the alcohol, when they quit life would be perfect. It doesn't work that way, with an over 50% divorce rate in this country - the issues go much deeper. We all have our faults and therapy is not just to go in there and prove that we're right and they're the bad guy. It's to take a clear look at our own flaws as much as to look at the marriage in general.
WishingWell is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to WishingWell For This Useful Post:
sugarbear1 (10-22-2012)
Old 10-21-2012, 02:21 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Lot Of Love Out There, Man.
 
Chris1000101's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 137
This brings back memories. Shortly after my divorce, I had someone ask me, ďIf and when the time comes what do you want in a relationship?Ē I felt like a deer in headlights, I had no interest in a relationship and never even thought about it. I donít have much interest in a relationship today but in thinking about the question, I have had to look at it to help myself in making healthy choices about the people I do want in my life today. I found myself stuck a couple of times and so I had to work it backwards. By asking myself what I knew I didnít want I could narrow down what I did want and prioritize what were the deal breakers for me.
Chris1000101 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Chris1000101 For This Useful Post:
FedUpWith2Brats (10-21-2012), Sueski (10-21-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:56 PM.