What do YOU want in a partner/relationship/etc
 

Our marriage therapist asked me what I wanted in our marriage and what I wanted from AH. Quite frankly, I couldn't even come up with a reply. I didn't even know where to start or how to phrase it properly. Things always get so heated during counseling and I get so overwhelmed that I can't think clearly. I was hoping to write some stuff down but I've got major writer's block. What would YOU say if a therapist asked this question of you.

Honesty
Good communication
Treats me with respect
Can make me laugh
Similar goals
Willing to compromise

That's just off the top of my head.

Peace

Kind and Loving
Straight Forward
No Games

Someone who not only loves and accepts me for who I am, but who loves and accepts themselves the same way.

I am pretty lucky, because that's what I have now. I wouldn't trade a day of the past that it took to get here though. It was all worth it.

I have this list on a sticky note in my wallet: To feel comfortable, safe, respected, valued and cared for. I got it from somewhere, but can't give credit because I don't remember where.

Writing it down is a good idea. It's hard to think clearly when emotions run so high.

So glad that you found happiness, SparkleKitty. I thought I found that, too, but that was in between his anger, anxiety, and depression and realizing that I got lost in the mess that we were creating together.

I wrote him a letter(yes, again) to bring to therapy about what I want and here's some of what I shared:

Trust:Someone who will back up his words with actions, someone I can feel free to open up to without fearing that my feelings or thoughts will be criticized or used against me.

Loyalty: That my feelings and experiences will be treated with respect. That I will not be shamed or guilted just because I interpret things differently. That he will be loyal to me in all ways and value my loyalty to him.

Maturity: That he will act like a 45 year old man and set the right example for his son and wife. That he will strive to be a positive male role model and will have integrity in the decisions he makes in his life.

Hmmm, maybe I'm asking too much? Honestly, I don't think I am. Many of my friends are married to men who meet this criteria and then some. Why does it seem like I have to minimize what I'm looking for and dance around what I'm really looking for? UGH!

Respect.
Kindness.
Respect.
Humor.
Respect.
Generosity.
Did I mention respect? LOL

L

You aren't asking too much for you. I can't say whether you are asking too much of him. But if you don't ask for what you want you will definitely never get it.

Good sense of self
Kindness
Respect
Similar Values and Morals
Loving
Gentle
Great Sense of Humour
Good listener and Good Communication skills

To be me and to be happy being me - which should mean that he is happy being him, with me.

Did you? I didn't notice, LOL!

Yes, respect is huge. Every time I bring up respect my AH says, "Define that." He wants me to be specific as to how he's disrespected me. Seriously? Like I really want to bring stuff up so that he can defend his crappy actions again. I know his game and it drives me crazy and I work very hard to NOT get sucked in over and over again.

My exgf disrespected me often. I played the doormat for a while, then I decided I deserve better. I'm still single, the bar will be high for the next one

Never to be around an active alcoholic again.
Honesty
Respect (it goes both ways)

Sex. With me.

That's it. ;)

P.S. I'm a guy, just in case you were wondering!

Honesty
Respect
Sense of |Humour

After my extremely painful relationship ended with my AGF I was asked this question.
So after giving it a few moments of thought I replied:
"You know what I want? It is fairly simple.
I want a woman who treats me just as well as I treat her."

You know what I would say and DO say in my marriage therapy?

"Things always get so heated during counseling and I get so overwhelmed that I can't think clearly."

Stop the spinning. Tell the therapist that you need it to slow down so that you can be heard and your thoughts can be clear. Take a breath. If you feel that you are overwhelmed at that moment, with such an important question - your therapist needs to pause and let you gather your thoughts.

You're paying them for this service - get the help you need and get your statements out! The time there is too valuable to waste if you're not being helped too!

Can ask you something?

Are you seeing what it is that you are doing that is causing difficulty in your marriage? Are you seeing the part you play in the problems he has with this marriage? Beyond alcohol?

I wonder sometimes with all the finger pointing - are we seeing OUR stuff? What they need and aren't getting from us? If it was only and all the alcohol, when they quit life would be perfect. It doesn't work that way, with an over 50% divorce rate in this country - the issues go much deeper. We all have our faults and therapy is not just to go in there and prove that we're right and they're the bad guy. It's to take a clear look at our own flaws as much as to look at the marriage in general.

This brings back memories. Shortly after my divorce, I had someone ask me, “If and when the time comes what do you want in a relationship?” I felt like a deer in headlights, I had no interest in a relationship and never even thought about it. I don’t have much interest in a relationship today but in thinking about the question, I have had to look at it to help myself in making healthy choices about the people I do want in my life today. I found myself stuck a couple of times and so I had to work it backwards. By asking myself what I knew I didn’t want I could narrow down what I did want and prioritize what were the deal breakers for me.