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Old 10-03-2012, 08:07 AM
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rough

I've been separated from AH now for almost 5 months. I'm pushing through the sleeplessness, pain, etc...I have days where I give in and we exchange, sometimes positive sometimes negative. I don't beat myself up anymore and realize I will finally go NC when I am capable. NC is hard with a 4 year old and he has her daily after he gets off but before I got out of work.

He is awful to me and his defense, he hasn't proclaimed to be making any changes so its my stupidity for continuing to deal with him! I have gotten noteworthy suggestions on this site as to how we can coparent with minimal interaction but the Pollyanna in me believes we can be happy co-parents. The truth is, if he had ability to compromise and think rationally, we wouldn't be separated. My expectations are unrealistic.

Life is just rolling along and I don't feel back to normal yet. The one thing I do thank God for is my health and my children everyday. If nothing else, I have that and that will sustain me. I just need some support SR....tell me I am going to be ok.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:11 AM
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I have gotten noteworthy suggestions on this site as to how we can coparent with minimal interaction but the Pollyanna in me believes we can be happy co-parents. The truth is, if he had ability to compromise and think rationally, we wouldn't be separated. My expectations are unrealistic.
IME, this is the acceptance part of recovery. It took me years to accept that my co-parent was not interested in assisting my son at anything, or assisting me in any way, or cooperating for anyone's best interest but his own. Whatever is going on in his mind, I had to let go of it. We communicate much more peacefully when I expect NOTHING from him and when I am not bitter about the Nothing I get.

I had to let go of the fantasy.
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:21 AM
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I had to let go of the fantasy too. That's when I realized I am going to be ok. Now, some days I don't feel ok, and that's ok because this is a very painful thing to go through. Allowing yourself to feel without giving into the need to immediately fix those feelings with something unhealthy is also a sign of strong recovery.

You are going to be ok. And chances are, an even better version of yourself then you were before. Stay strong!
~T
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:32 AM
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Sweetee,
I understand the Pollyanna in you that wants to believe you can co-parent. I'm willing to bet that you are a generally optimistic, positive and grateful person who also happens to be a great mom. Those are wonderful things that make you the wonderful person you are. But, as I'm learning, that optimism makes acceptance of reality a bit harder when in a situation like this. But you will get there. You are on your way. And you won't lose those wonderful parts that make you you.
To be going through what you are going through and still express your gratitude for your health and your babies shows how strong and terrific you are.
You will be okay. And you deserve to be okay.

I'll share a story about what's been going on with me lately in another thread that you may relate to from one Pollyanna to another.

Hugs, MamaKit
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Old 10-03-2012, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
IME, this is the acceptance part of recovery. It took me years to accept that my co-parent was not interested in assisting my son at anything, or assisting me in any way, or cooperating for anyone's best interest but his own. Whatever is going on in his mind, I had to let go of it. We communicate much more peacefully when I expect NOTHING from him and when I am not bitter about the Nothing I get.

I had to let go of the fantasy.
Wow Florence - this is what I am trying to do a the moment as my co-parent is totally useless. I have allowed myself to get annoyed that I have to "carry the can all alone"...but its getting easier to accept that this is the wasy it is going to be
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Old 10-03-2012, 05:20 PM
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Sweetteewalls, you have learned to Accept and Let Go. NO SMALL LESSON! Congratulations!

Active alcoholics, as they progress into the disease, pretty much do whatever they want regardless of the consequences to others. The kids and I even were called "collateral damage." Collateral - not front and center - merely a sideline to the A. That's it. It's all about the A. It's their "stinking thinking" as they say in AA, and not just the drinking.

Have you gone to Al-Anon meetings (some even have free babysitting available)?

Peace.
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:25 PM
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Yes I go to therapy and Alanon regularly. I know we are going to be ok...today for the first time I did not engage when he baited me! Woohoo...I know it will get better...just sucks going through it.
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Old 10-03-2012, 07:23 PM
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Hi. My daughter's dad and I broke up months ago, but he still lives here (he sleeps on the couch) until he gets a job. I have realized that the less I expect from him the easier my life is because I just assume I must do everything. I don't think it's fair. But it makes my life easier than being angry all the time. I do get angry when he pulls a "i had to spend my meter money on cigarettes" when he reeks of booze and I just want to call him out, like "cigarettes AAAANNNNDDD...????" And it upsets me as I have repeatedly requested that he not drink in the house, which he has apparently taken quite literally to mean, Oh, please, do drink on the porch. :x And then he gets all weird and emotional, like 8 drinks emotional and angry, not violent or anything, just angry and paranoid about everything, so I just go to my room with dd. I'm excited to not live with him but nervous at the same time.
You are brave and awesome. Hugs to you.
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Old 10-03-2012, 07:32 PM
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your words "it is my own stupidity for still dealing with him" that pretty much nails it for me.

My A could care less what I do. It was my own stupidity also. But, you will get to a place that you can finally find the strength you need and walk away from it.

I can tell from your writing that you know what is going on....now just find the strength!!!
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Old 10-03-2012, 08:40 PM
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Wooooohoooooohoooooo Sweetteewalls!
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