The Fourth Stage Alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
The Fourth Stage Alcoholic.
I've done some research on this (internet) and by all accounts, my soon to be ex, is definitley smack in the middle of this nonsense. These are some of the signs and symptoms.
1. Finances out of control/and a mess. My ex had just lost a recently purchased home. My ex had been unemployed for roughly 5-6 months. My ex had drained all of her 3 bank accounts, and sold or given away 65% of her worldly possessions. My ex was paranoid that the finance company who financed her car had GPS on it, so when the time came, there was no hiding the car. As of now, her and the finance company own the car, she has clothes, shoes, a dresser, her kid's clothes and a few toys. Boxes of assorted junk and photos. This is after 23 years of working in the medical field and making damned good $$$.....most of it up her nose, or blown at the liquor store. Basically destitute, trying to figure out illegal ways to gain $$$.
2. Legal Messes. 2 seperate warrants for her arrest in 2 different counties. She is a bundle of nerves about police/hair is falling out in clumps and she is getting acne at 41 yrs old. Currently was on probation and ruined that, she is more paranoid that the court will view her as a habitual and give her over a year in the can. 3X ex felon, has a hard time getting hired now regardless of competency/experience.
3. Physical symptoms. The malnourishment from a lack of anything resembling a sound diet causes the stomach to extend, the muscles in the arms and legs have atrophied to bone, and again, the hair loss. Skin is clammy and pale. Eyes continually bloodshot. Tremors begin each AM. Bruises easily. Gastrointestinal problems are bad, daily am nausea, bad heartburn wayyy beyond a teaspoonful of baking soda in water like normal folks, probably some sort of ulcer in the stomach or esophagus from the daily intake of 8-12 drinks daily mon-thurs, more on the weekends. Drinking begins upon awakening at 11am and continues through the day sporadically until the nightly drinks at 5-6 until bedtime. Canno function without daily intake of alcohol. Needs incresaing amounts, and turns to vodka to supplement "buzz"
4. Mental Symptoms. Not thinking straight, decided to get married on a whim, hated it and wanted out a little over 2 weeks later, uses her 8 year old to blow in her vehicles breathalyzer so she can cruise buzzed, turns bitterly angry when highly intoxicated. Violent tendencies with the 8 year old, wants to beat him but cannot catch him inebriated. COMPLETE Lack of respect for any semblance of law and order, and despises police, judicial system, ect. Unjustifiable anger towards anyone questioning the drinking habits. Symptoms of major depressive disorder, and possibly borderline personality.
How any of you can stomach this for years, is beyond me, you have my astonished respect.
1. Finances out of control/and a mess. My ex had just lost a recently purchased home. My ex had been unemployed for roughly 5-6 months. My ex had drained all of her 3 bank accounts, and sold or given away 65% of her worldly possessions. My ex was paranoid that the finance company who financed her car had GPS on it, so when the time came, there was no hiding the car. As of now, her and the finance company own the car, she has clothes, shoes, a dresser, her kid's clothes and a few toys. Boxes of assorted junk and photos. This is after 23 years of working in the medical field and making damned good $$$.....most of it up her nose, or blown at the liquor store. Basically destitute, trying to figure out illegal ways to gain $$$.
2. Legal Messes. 2 seperate warrants for her arrest in 2 different counties. She is a bundle of nerves about police/hair is falling out in clumps and she is getting acne at 41 yrs old. Currently was on probation and ruined that, she is more paranoid that the court will view her as a habitual and give her over a year in the can. 3X ex felon, has a hard time getting hired now regardless of competency/experience.
3. Physical symptoms. The malnourishment from a lack of anything resembling a sound diet causes the stomach to extend, the muscles in the arms and legs have atrophied to bone, and again, the hair loss. Skin is clammy and pale. Eyes continually bloodshot. Tremors begin each AM. Bruises easily. Gastrointestinal problems are bad, daily am nausea, bad heartburn wayyy beyond a teaspoonful of baking soda in water like normal folks, probably some sort of ulcer in the stomach or esophagus from the daily intake of 8-12 drinks daily mon-thurs, more on the weekends. Drinking begins upon awakening at 11am and continues through the day sporadically until the nightly drinks at 5-6 until bedtime. Canno function without daily intake of alcohol. Needs incresaing amounts, and turns to vodka to supplement "buzz"
4. Mental Symptoms. Not thinking straight, decided to get married on a whim, hated it and wanted out a little over 2 weeks later, uses her 8 year old to blow in her vehicles breathalyzer so she can cruise buzzed, turns bitterly angry when highly intoxicated. Violent tendencies with the 8 year old, wants to beat him but cannot catch him inebriated. COMPLETE Lack of respect for any semblance of law and order, and despises police, judicial system, ect. Unjustifiable anger towards anyone questioning the drinking habits. Symptoms of major depressive disorder, and possibly borderline personality.
How any of you can stomach this for years, is beyond me, you have my astonished respect.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You know... there's a lot of anger in your posts. Understandably. I wanted my ex to die a horrible painful death after I left him. (Well, to be honest, before I left him, too.)
The thing is... learning about the disease is only helpful if it helps you let go and move on with your own life.
She's a mess. Obviously.
But what are you doing for yourself? For you to heal? Anger is great because it keeps you focused and keeps you from going back. But it doesn't help you get healthy and let go and move on. What my Al-Anon friends kept saying when I brought up AXH's antics was, "You've left him and divorced him -- why are you letting him live rent-free in your head?"
The thing is... learning about the disease is only helpful if it helps you let go and move on with your own life.
She's a mess. Obviously.
But what are you doing for yourself? For you to heal? Anger is great because it keeps you focused and keeps you from going back. But it doesn't help you get healthy and let go and move on. What my Al-Anon friends kept saying when I brought up AXH's antics was, "You've left him and divorced him -- why are you letting him live rent-free in your head?"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by lillamy 
You know... there's a lot of anger in your posts. Understandably. I wanted my ex to die a horrible painful death after I left him. (Well, to be honest, before I left him, too.)
The thing is... learning about the disease is only helpful if it helps you let go and move on with your own life.
She's a mess. Obviously.
But what are you doing for yourself? For you to heal? Anger is great because it keeps you focused and keeps you from going back. But it doesn't help you get healthy and let go and move on. What my Al-Anon friends kept saying when I brought up AXH's antics was, "You've left him and divorced him -- why are you letting him live rent-free in your head?"
The thing is... learning about the disease is only helpful if it helps you let go and move on with your own life.
She's a mess. Obviously.
But what are you doing for yourself? For you to heal? Anger is great because it keeps you focused and keeps you from going back. But it doesn't help you get healthy and let go and move on. What my Al-Anon friends kept saying when I brought up AXH's antics was, "You've left him and divorced him -- why are you letting him live rent-free in your head?"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
All Alanon groups are different. Try several. Mine never talks about dealing with the alcoholic. We focus on ourselves.
She may be out of the picture. But, you need to look at how / why you felt such an attraction that you married her and in just a short time afterwards can now clearly see the alcoholism that was there before the wedding.
You don't want to find another mate full of "isms".
If not Alanon, there is a lot of good reading material out there. And of course, SR.
All the best.
She may be out of the picture. But, you need to look at how / why you felt such an attraction that you married her and in just a short time afterwards can now clearly see the alcoholism that was there before the wedding.
You don't want to find another mate full of "isms".
If not Alanon, there is a lot of good reading material out there. And of course, SR.
All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by wellnowwhat
All Alanon groups are different. Try several. Mine never talks about dealing with the alcoholic. We focus on ourselves.
She may be out of the picture. But, you need to look at how / why you felt such an attraction that you married her and in just a short time afterwards can now clearly see the alcoholism that was there before the wedding.
You don't want to find another mate full of "isms".
If not Alanon, there is a lot of good reading material out there. And of course, SR.
All the best.
She may be out of the picture. But, you need to look at how / why you felt such an attraction that you married her and in just a short time afterwards can now clearly see the alcoholism that was there before the wedding.
You don't want to find another mate full of "isms".
If not Alanon, there is a lot of good reading material out there. And of course, SR.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
On re-reading my posts I wish to apologize for the "you shoulds" etc. Some first-rate codie control there!
Too many "you's" and not enough "I's" to be a healthy share of E, S & H.
(Must be the xxxxx heat & humidity. I hear it's cooler in Cairo today!)
Too many "you's" and not enough "I's" to be a healthy share of E, S & H.
(Must be the xxxxx heat & humidity. I hear it's cooler in Cairo today!)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Alucard,
My husband's drinking didn't spiral out of control until after we had been married several years and had a child together. I'm glad you found out early on in your marriage and were able to break free without alot of legal wrangling over accumulated assets and child custody issues to work through. Count your blessings.
My experience with al anon is different than yours. We don't discuss the alcoholic. We focus on US...what our part in the disfunction was...what we can do to heal and recover and grow stronger. No one in al anon has EVER suggested to me whether I should or should not divorce the alcoholic. And quite honestly, when you characterize people as you're being very judgmental. You shouldn't be so quick to dismiss people's pain and judge them until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
Alcoholics aren't monsters. They're sick. Alcoholism is a disease. I still love my exah and have compassion for him even though I had to divorce him in order to raise our son in a healthy environment. I had to save myself too. I used to be really angry too. But I had to find a way to let go of the anger...for my own well being. Anger becomes toxic at some point. It nearly destroyed me early on in the process.
My husband's drinking didn't spiral out of control until after we had been married several years and had a child together. I'm glad you found out early on in your marriage and were able to break free without alot of legal wrangling over accumulated assets and child custody issues to work through. Count your blessings.
My experience with al anon is different than yours. We don't discuss the alcoholic. We focus on US...what our part in the disfunction was...what we can do to heal and recover and grow stronger. No one in al anon has EVER suggested to me whether I should or should not divorce the alcoholic. And quite honestly, when you characterize people as
vigorously excited to be dealing with the out of control antics of alcoholic spouses
Alcoholics aren't monsters. They're sick. Alcoholism is a disease. I still love my exah and have compassion for him even though I had to divorce him in order to raise our son in a healthy environment. I had to save myself too. I used to be really angry too. But I had to find a way to let go of the anger...for my own well being. Anger becomes toxic at some point. It nearly destroyed me early on in the process.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Thank you outonalimb. I do not like to think of myself as a monster, or even my alcoholic father. He just did what he knew. I had to forgive him in order to forgive myself.
Because he was a part of me. I could not hate a part of me, or consider myself a monster in order to survive the recovery.
Now, I look for peace and serenity. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I had the pain, now I am dropping the suffering. It is better.
Beth
Because he was a part of me. I could not hate a part of me, or consider myself a monster in order to survive the recovery.
Now, I look for peace and serenity. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I had the pain, now I am dropping the suffering. It is better.
Beth
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I didn't marry someone with warrants, jobless, homeless, and in jeopardy of loss of transportation due to repo.
I married a man with a good job, a charming personality, a vehicle and bought a better one for me, a nice place to live, all his bills paid, current on his child suppport, and cash in the bank.
Years, and years went by as his alcoholism progressed. I was like a frog in a pot of water and unaware of how progressive the heat of addiction was until the boiling point.
I married a man with a good job, a charming personality, a vehicle and bought a better one for me, a nice place to live, all his bills paid, current on his child suppport, and cash in the bank.
Years, and years went by as his alcoholism progressed. I was like a frog in a pot of water and unaware of how progressive the heat of addiction was until the boiling point.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Personally,
I don't understand the point of the initial post. Is it to batter those of us who stayed too long or are still in current relationships with A's? Is it to say, nah, nah, nah, I got out and you OTHER people are too weak.
It took me five painful long years of living with an A before I realized that I had to get out to save myself. I thank God that I did what needed to be done for my son and myself so I can show him a life without alcohol involved. I respect the ES&H offered here because personally it has kept me focused and partially sane. I have had a lot of tough love, but it has helped me know I am not alone
I don't hate my XA. I hope to get over the pity soon, because I still do feel sorry for him, but I still realize its his dang choices that got him into this mess and I am finally making him accountable. No more threats. No more broken promises, only life awaits me. He is sick. I hope he heals for the sake of our son. I hope losing the daily interaction with our son wakes him the heck up. If it doesn't, that's on him.
To call people out, and basically ridicule them for staying too long and putting up with the bad behavior, in my opinion is rude. And I don't even understand the point of posting.
I don't understand the point of the initial post. Is it to batter those of us who stayed too long or are still in current relationships with A's? Is it to say, nah, nah, nah, I got out and you OTHER people are too weak.
It took me five painful long years of living with an A before I realized that I had to get out to save myself. I thank God that I did what needed to be done for my son and myself so I can show him a life without alcohol involved. I respect the ES&H offered here because personally it has kept me focused and partially sane. I have had a lot of tough love, but it has helped me know I am not alone
I don't hate my XA. I hope to get over the pity soon, because I still do feel sorry for him, but I still realize its his dang choices that got him into this mess and I am finally making him accountable. No more threats. No more broken promises, only life awaits me. He is sick. I hope he heals for the sake of our son. I hope losing the daily interaction with our son wakes him the heck up. If it doesn't, that's on him.
To call people out, and basically ridicule them for staying too long and putting up with the bad behavior, in my opinion is rude. And I don't even understand the point of posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My xah was probably a two on that scale for years. A three the last couple of years and slid into the fourth stage after our divorce and from there checked himself into a long term treatment program. I didn't marry him with all those problems (although he surely had problems) but the biggest problem was me - because I was the one that said yes to it all.
How any of you can stomach this for years, is beyond me, you have my astonished respect. It doesn't sound or feel much like respect and besides - you were the one that married her, not us. 
Perhaps you should turn that anger into energy you can use to figure out how you missed so many red flags and how to not miss them in the future.
Warmest thoughts and I don't mean to say it isn't OK to be angry. It is natural and normal and I posted here when I was angry too so I'm cool with that.
Originally Posted by Alucard
How any of you can stomach this for years, is beyond me, you have my astonished respect.
Perhaps you should turn that anger into energy you can use to figure out how you missed so many red flags and how to not miss them in the future.Warmest thoughts and I don't mean to say it isn't OK to be angry. It is natural and normal and I posted here when I was angry too so I'm cool with that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Alucard
I am glad to hear you are ending your relationship with this woman and moving on with your life.
What I want to know is what is going to happen with the 8 year old? If she is everything you shared with us, she is not capable of caring for this innocent child. Something must be done to protect the child.
I am glad to hear you are ending your relationship with this woman and moving on with your life.
What I want to know is what is going to happen with the 8 year old? If she is everything you shared with us, she is not capable of caring for this innocent child. Something must be done to protect the child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by outonalimb
Alucard,
My husband's drinking didn't spiral out of control until after we had been married several years and had a child together. I'm glad you found out early on in your marriage and were able to break free without alot of legal wrangling over accumulated assets and child custody issues to work through. Count your blessings.
My experience with al anon is different than yours. We don't discuss the alcoholic. We focus on US...what our part in the disfunction was...what we can do to heal and recover and grow stronger. No one in al anon has EVER suggested to me whether I should or should not divorce the alcoholic. And quite honestly, when you characterize people as you're being very judgmental. You shouldn't be so quick to dismiss people's pain and judge them until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
Alcoholics aren't monsters. They're sick. Alcoholism is a disease. I still love my exah and have compassion for him even though I had to divorce him in order to raise our son in a healthy environment. I had to save myself too. I used to be really angry too. But I had to find a way to let go of the anger...for my own well being. Anger becomes toxic at some point. It nearly destroyed me early on in the process.
My husband's drinking didn't spiral out of control until after we had been married several years and had a child together. I'm glad you found out early on in your marriage and were able to break free without alot of legal wrangling over accumulated assets and child custody issues to work through. Count your blessings.
My experience with al anon is different than yours. We don't discuss the alcoholic. We focus on US...what our part in the disfunction was...what we can do to heal and recover and grow stronger. No one in al anon has EVER suggested to me whether I should or should not divorce the alcoholic. And quite honestly, when you characterize people as you're being very judgmental. You shouldn't be so quick to dismiss people's pain and judge them until you've walked a mile in their shoes.
Alcoholics aren't monsters. They're sick. Alcoholism is a disease. I still love my exah and have compassion for him even though I had to divorce him in order to raise our son in a healthy environment. I had to save myself too. I used to be really angry too. But I had to find a way to let go of the anger...for my own well being. Anger becomes toxic at some point. It nearly destroyed me early on in the process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Pelican
I didn't marry someone with warrants, jobless, homeless, and in jeopardy of loss of transportation due to repo.
I married a man with a good job, a charming personality, a vehicle and bought a better one for me, a nice place to live, all his bills paid, current on his child suppport, and cash in the bank.
Years, and years went by as his alcoholism progressed. I was like a frog in a pot of water and unaware of how progressive the heat of addiction was until the boiling point.
I married a man with a good job, a charming personality, a vehicle and bought a better one for me, a nice place to live, all his bills paid, current on his child suppport, and cash in the bank.
Years, and years went by as his alcoholism progressed. I was like a frog in a pot of water and unaware of how progressive the heat of addiction was until the boiling point.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Alucard
The reason for the attraction was an affair with it 12 years ago. It ended abruptly. There was a reconnection and a chance at a reconciliation. But I went WAYYYYYY too fast, without really getting to know what it had become. 12 years of a revolving door of prisons and halfway houses, and an abusive relationship had created this thing that I didnt know 12 years ago.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
So in a way, you stayed in the relationship for 12 years. Maybe not physically, but in a fantasy in your head. If you think about that, it's really not so different as those of us who stayed physically. We were all in denial.
L
L
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
