Originally Posted by FireSprite

Yes, I had this thought last night when I thought back over this thread. I had a lot of anger at myself for a long time for missing the red flags I should have seen waving everywhere. (ESPECIALLY as an ACoA!!!)

And then I was extremely embarrassed (maybe mortified) for a long time too.... there's a roller coaster of emotions that I've been through personally & I'm guessing I'm no where near done. (and I know I'm not alone here)

Alucard - I'm not sure how much time you spent reading these boards before you joined & started posting, but I spent close to 8 months lurking. I read, I cried, I avoided some thoughts only to circle back to them, I saw similarities & differences & I learned so, so, SO much about something I thought I knew a LOT about. I weep openly at times when I hear of the children being affected by this terrible disease. I read a lot of posts from active A's that helped me see an entire dimension that sometimes tapped into my compassion but more often gave me knowledge. I started taking a personal inventory in ways I hadn't thought to do before, from a new perspective. I started to see how different solutions work for different relationships based on circumstances & emotions.

For instance - when alcoholism became apparant in my marriage we had been together for about 15 years & had spent 13 of them blissfully, off-the-charts happy. He was able to seek therapy & will be 1 full yr sober next weekend. We are slowly, but steadily rebuilding our lives & while it is difficult at times I feel stronger than before in some ways. I believe that is significantly different than your experience of being married very briefly to an alcoholic that is much further progressed & with whom you have no long-term recent relationship. Your point of view & attitude toward investing more into your relationship is going to be significantly different than mine based on our experiences to date. And that's OK, you just have to remember that not EVERY member here is dealing with a Stage 4 addict & many have families, children & financial considerations that you don't have to deal with as well. We all share common threads, but the pattern in our fabrics is not always identical.

I wish you well in your various stages of recovery.

Originally Posted by Alucard

This is true, and to counter your point, not everyone feels this blissful love and undying devotion to the alcoholic. I had no patience for it. Or at least 3 weeks worth.

Originally Posted by Florence

Just an observation, but you seem like you're hurting that someone who was this deep in disease rejected you. It sounds like you wanted to save her, but you're mad that she didn't want to be saved.

That's okay, not all folks want or need to be saved. I'm of the mind that we should all have the dignity to ruin, build, and rebuild our own lives. If she wanted to self-destruct, that's her bag to carry. If you want to be consumed by bitterness, that's yours.

Originally Posted by FireSprite

You've got it wrong, I felt blissfully happy for years with my HUSBAND. I have no tolerance at all for the ALCOHOLIC or dealing with the active disease. But we can agree to disagree!

Originally Posted by wellnowwhat

The train has reached my station. I'm off.

Good luck to you.

Originally Posted by painfully

I wish you well in your own recovery.

I hope that you find true happiness and are able to let go of anger you are feeling toward yourself.

I will say a prayer for you, for her and for her child.

Originally Posted by Florence

The only thing that gives me pause here is your eagerness to intentionally dehumanize someone that you clearly care(d) about. That says nothing about her, and a lot about you and where you are emotionally. The compassion is not for her, necessarily, but for yourself. This "it" thing is just a defense mechanism for you to feel like you were "tricked" and that this person is beneath you. It is okay to say, "I was really disappointed," or, "That didn't turn out the way I wanted."

And frankly, showing a lack of compassion to others is triggering because it's part and parcel with the abuse that many of us have suffered at the hands of addicts, parents, and trusted loved ones. They dehumanized us, called us "its" and denied our human dignity to make it easier to **** on us. So again, the amazement is yours.

Originally Posted by shawty80

i'm kinda just wondering why everyone is still fueling the flames...

this is clearly a post that triggers many strong emotions, mine included. seems to me that we would be better off stepping off of THIS crazy ride and focusing on our own personal healing.

after all, there is NO winner in this game.

Originally Posted by m1k3

Dude, Alanon is not about the alcoholic, its not about staying or leaving. Its about you and me. It's about dealing with the issues that are associated with living or having lived with an alcoholic. For me it was about refinding myself, healing and becoming a more sane and serene person. The lessons I have learned there and here go well beyond dealing with an alcoholic and apply quite well to my entire life.

What you may not understand is that a lot of us are here to support each other in this recovery process. What I am sharing with you is my experience and wisdom from having been married to an alcoholic for a long time.

I don't like giving my opinion but I will make an exception in this case. IMO you are showing a lot of the symptoms that I had when I first separated from my AW. I was full of rage and that was mixed with a cold indifference. My indifference was a shield that I was using to protect myself from the strong emotions that were buried inside me. Feelings of resentment, rage, shame and hate. I was a complete mess. I could be wrong but your posts remind me of where I was a year ago.

I hope I am wrong but if I'm not and at some point in the future you want to deal with these issues you won't find a better place to do it than here and at Alanon.

Good luck and best wishes for your continued life's journey.

Your friend,