wicked

You are in a stage of recovery. A various stage. Hmmm

You are not enamored of the alcoholic or feel compassion. I think that a lot of humans find this disturbing, not just this recovering female.

When I read your latest posts, I get the feeling you are furious with yourself for being "misled" by a fourth stage alcoholic.
You are not detached from this at all, unless you have a different meaning for detached.
Detached would not involve all this fury, and reducing a woman to an inanimate object.
Yes, you were fooled by a fourth stage alcoholic, but you got away unscathed, right?
What insight are you sharing? Because I am not getting it. Maybe one of those weird woman reasons.
What have you learned that you can share with those that are still suffering?
I have missed all the support you have given too.

Take the focus off of her. Turn it on yourself. Forgive yourself.

Beth

wicked

Thank you so very much spes.
Yes, exactly what spes says.

:ghug3

Beth

RevivingOphelia

Thanks for expressing what I was feeling, too.

wicked

I am sorry. It does suck.
:ghug3

Beth

Alucard

What fury is everyone talking about? I simply feel no compassion for it anymore and everyone is up in arms...I got away unscathed, but my time was wasted. I have dealt with alcoholics before and I feel no pity or love for them. Again, HAD I KNOWN I wouldnt have bothered, period. The focus is on myself. Insight? The best I can share is support for those who choose to dump them.

Alucard

But I do repect and admire those alcoholics who choose to at least try. The ones I have no tolerance for are the drunks and thats what it was, and I still feel no compassion for it.

LaTeeDa

It's an individual choice what to use this board for. And, for that matter, what you get out of the experience of loving an alcoholic. Some just want to vent and complain about the alcoholic. Fine, if that's what you're here for, have at it.

Some of us wish to use the resources here for self-discovery and healing. To dig deep into our own psyche to find what drew us to that individual in the first place, and what changes we might want to make in our view of the world and other people that could create better outcomes in our lives.

To each his own.....

L

Learn2Live

It's OK to be angry. Hell, if I weren't so damn sad about AXBF, I'd be angry too. I just haven't gotten there yet. But Beth makes a good point about the true nature of Detachment.

LaTeeDa

It's more than okay to be angry. I actually think it's necessary. It's where you go from there that really matters. If you just stay angry, you might as well stay with the alcoholic, because you're not getting anywhere. Anger is one of the stages of grief. In my experience, growth could not begin until I got to the acceptance stage.

L

Alucard

"Negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full"....3&1/2 weeks in I saw the misery of a hopeless Stage 4 Alcoholic/drunk....My stress levels and nerves were a mess, as I envisioned a future dealing with the BS of a stage 4. All my hopes everything I want to do in the future, would be destroyed by this thing, and after consulting with my Uncle, I made the decision to basically get the abcess tooth removed. It was quick and there is no looking back. I still feel no compassion for it, nor will I in the future, and I'm ok with that!!!

OhBoy

It's fantastic that you realized after only 4 weeks that your wife was an alcoholic & you got out. If I had met my AW in the state SHE is in now, I would probably run like hell! But I wasn't lucky, I met a wonderful lady who over the course of MANY years SLOWLY became consumed by alcoholism.

There were fights along the way, but what married couple doesn't fight? At the time it wasn't about HER drinking, it was about all the OTHER things that MADE HER drink. Then after after about 15 years the disease was in plain sight & I couldn't deny IT anymore. IT had taken control of HER. SHE doesn't want IT to control HER anymore than I want IT to. I hate this horrible disease, IT stole my wife. My wife is still there & maybe SHE'LL find recovery & I'll see HER again. Maybe SHE won't & I'll leave. I didn't have the good fortune of skipping all the stepping stones that it took HER to get where SHE is now.

SHE didn't choose IT to take over HER life, IT chose HER. Sure at any point SHE could have gotten of the ride, but if it was that easy, the statistics for successful recovery wouldn't be as frightening as they are. So the long & short of it is, I married a wonderful woman who SLOWLY, I repeat SLOWLY had a disease take over HER body & mind. I woke up one day to find myself married to a DISEASE that took my wife. I HATE the DISEASE, I love my wife. So I am envious that you didn't have to witness the SLOW & PAINFUL take over of your wife. But I won't consider it "basically get the abcess tooth removed" when I face the hard decision to say good bye to someone I love.

I empathize with your stress & nerves being frazzled, mine became slowly numb over the years. But as the DISEASE progressed, new ones were exposed & I got to experience them all over, again & again. Luckily Alanon has helped with telling my nerves to not react to the DISEASES actions. Sorry it hasn't worked for you, but it has helped ME deal with HER DISEASE.

Best of luck to you my friend. Keep it shiny side up!

wellnowwhat

It seems to me that people are saying "you (Alucard) are angry" and you are replying "I don't feel compassion for it". The conversation is like two trains on separate tracks, close but not connecting.

Yes, you were decisive and ended it. I'll give you that. But....your posts drip with venom, and that hurts you. The replies on SR are hoping you can deal with all the anger of being deceived (by her and by your own blinders - she was 4th stage before and after the wedding - why you didn't see it, there must have been red flags everywhere).

You say you are o.k. You had married full of hope and now your dreams from that day have been wiped out and your marriage is over. Granted it was quick, but if, as you say, you are not feeling a bundle of emotions over what isn't and never will be, then why aren't you?



Wishing you the best.

Hypatia

I get the angriest when I am frustrated and upset with myself.

kudzujean

"Take the focus off of her. Turn it on yourself. Forgive yourself."

Yes..."Forgive yourself." In my experience, often that is the hardest thing to do.

In Al Anon I am learning to forgive myself. Instead of thinking, "I was such a fool!" or "Why did I do such a stupid thing?" , I'm learning to think instead, "I was doing the best I could." "I didn't have the resources then that I have now."

Alucard

Venom? This is subjective. The bottom line fact is that I feel no compassion for it, and this for some reason triggers many, many people on this site....I dont and that wont change. She was 4th stage, but hid it well, for the first 10 days or so. It was 2 weeks in that the ugliness came out and thats when I knew it wouldnt work, ever. I am feeling only a cold indiffernce towards it. And no compassion.

Hypatia

I talk and write the most about things I feel very strongly about. If I am indifferent about something, then it doesn't matter and has no effect on my life so I hardly ever mention anything about it.

Alucard

No....it (al anon) didnt work for me. This was my philosophy towards it. The alcoholic was as a limb, with gangrene. I could live with the disease, and love the limb, and probably land up losing everything, or I could get it surgically removed. I chose to get it surgically removed. I had absolutley ZERO interest in even dealing with a stage 4, and for that reason, and I reiterate again, I feel no compassion for it. I wanted then, and still do now, a sober person to go through life with, so we can do normal things together. Period.

Alucard

I did the best I could, I essentially got a homeless person off the street, and offered it a chance, an honest shot at a life together, with the resources I had. We had a decent shot. BUT I acted wayyyy too fast, and my mistake was in not learning more about it's actual situation. It had changed, in 12 years, from someone I had once been very, very close to, to this strange, ugly, demented facsimile that after 3 weeks I wanted little to do with. The thing it had become was something I had no use for or interest in. I made moves to ensure I wouldnt ever deal with it again.

FireSprite

Yes, I had this thought last night when I thought back over this thread. I had a lot of anger at myself for a long time for missing the red flags I should have seen waving everywhere. (ESPECIALLY as an ACoA!!!)

And then I was extremely embarrassed (maybe mortified) for a long time too.... there's a roller coaster of emotions that I've been through personally & I'm guessing I'm no where near done. (and I know I'm not alone here)

Alucard - I'm not sure how much time you spent reading these boards before you joined & started posting, but I spent close to 8 months lurking. I read, I cried, I avoided some thoughts only to circle back to them, I saw similarities & differences & I learned so, so, SO much about something I thought I knew a LOT about. I weep openly at times when I hear of the children being affected by this terrible disease. I read a lot of posts from active A's that helped me see an entire dimension that sometimes tapped into my compassion but more often gave me knowledge. I started taking a personal inventory in ways I hadn't thought to do before, from a new perspective. I started to see how different solutions work for different relationships based on circumstances & emotions.

For instance - when alcoholism became apparant in my marriage we had been together for about 15 years & had spent 13 of them blissfully, off-the-charts happy. He was able to seek therapy & will be 1 full yr sober next weekend. We are slowly, but steadily rebuilding our lives & while it is difficult at times I feel stronger than before in some ways. I believe that is significantly different than your experience of being married very briefly to an alcoholic that is much further progressed & with whom you have no long-term recent relationship. Your point of view & attitude toward investing more into your relationship is going to be significantly different than mine based on our experiences to date. And that's OK, you just have to remember that not EVERY member here is dealing with a Stage 4 addict & many have families, children & financial considerations that you don't have to deal with as well. We all share common threads, but the pattern in our fabrics is not always identical.

I wish you well in your various stages of recovery.

Alucard

That is how you do things. I am indifferent to it, but it did make me see my mistake, and I have no problems writing about it. Because I wont ever repeat that mistake.