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UGH, forgot about our Costa Rica trip....

Old 07-10-2012, 02:26 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
Well... sounds like you don't either, honestly. Why not just face the truth and tell him? Life is WAY to short to walk around on eggshells trying to avoid the elephant in the room.

I avoided so many uncomfortable conversations because I didn't want to be The Bad Guy. All it did was make me miserable and trapped. The sooner I started speaking up for myself... the sooner life started to be happy again.

I know for me... I tip-toed around the issue because I was still in denial. Still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't an alcoholic, and maybe just maybe... this whole situation would magically resolve itself. Facing the truth hurt like hell. It meant stirring up all sorts of emotions - fear, anger, sadness, guilt, shame - and DEALING with them. ACk. But going THROUGH them was the ONLY path that leads to happiness.... that's for certain.

(Sorry if this came off as punchy... I'm particulary sadden today when I see people stuck in the pain I was stuck in for so long. My only purpose was to help you see what took me FOREVER to see.)

Own your power Lizatola. Take control of your life.
Well, darn, this whole thing rang so true for me. Denial, fear, hope.....and not being willing to take the reins. Maybe I'm just not ready to go through them, as you shared. And, I can totally relate to NOT wanting to be the bad guy! It's one of my big character flaws, not rocking the boat and keeping my mouth shut, LOL! Thank you for sharing!
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Old 07-10-2012, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
the next time I go... it will be on my own dime, with no strings attached.
This! Everything in life has a price. Though this trip may be on his company's expense account, it comes at your expense too. You didn't have a great experience last year. It sounds like you anticipate things will be similar this time around as well. Please don't underestimate the value of your emotional health!

Can you schedule your own trip? Something that's all your own, with your friends/siblings/neighbors/cousins? Maybe you could make it a girls weekend: get pedicures, lay around by a pool, go see Magic Mike ... A good weekend with drama-free loved ones could be something to look forward to, tons of fun, and as cheap or expensive as you want to make it!
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Old 07-10-2012, 05:09 PM
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I'm tired of giving up my serenity just to help him save face on a work trip that he hates going on anyway.
This is great. Giving up my serenity. Thank you.
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:34 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
This is great. Giving up my serenity. Thank you.
You're welcome, because that's just what I do!

Also, I woke up this AM thinking about last year's trip and I realize that he was harboring some serious resentment and anger against me, that I didn't know about. Yet, he went about that trip and the few months that followed like everything was hunky dory with us and with him. He was angry at me because I called his psychiatrist after he had driven drunk one night and acted strangely and I wanted to let his doc know that he's mixing major amounts of alcohol with paxil and trazadone. He didn't take that very well even though the doctor explained why what I did was caring and selfless and had the best intentions.

So, he gets lots of s*x, has a great looking wife, and a new house that we had moved into and acts like everything is better than normal in our lives. He went around retaliating by drinking more in hiding and then finally(after he gets popped for the DUI) admits to his anger and resentment.

On the flip side, I(yes, I) am resentful and angry now. But, I certainly don't go around acting like everything is fine and dandy. I don't fake it, I am making efforts at being communicative and making efforts at being generally pleasant but I'm certainly not walking around whistling and singing and having s*x with him, LOL. Seriously, I think he has too many screws loose. How did he do that? If you all had seen how sweet and normal he was and how kind he was and easy to get along with for those months, you'd be shocked to know that he was really angry with me. UGH, just makes me more mad and that's not what I need while on vacation. Thank goodness I'm calling my sponsor tonight~
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Old 07-11-2012, 05:42 AM
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honestly - going sounds like a nightmare, I wouldn't (well I wouldn't now, but I probably would have done in the past and regretted nearly all of it) - but it's not my decision

it's nearly 4 months away and you're stressing about whether to go, whilst away on your peaceful break. i know thinking about these things can sometimes help to crystalise our thoughts and feelings about bigger matters, but do you have to decide now?

When I was with (now x)AH I would often worry myself silly about things that seemed tiny or simple to people not living in my situation, I would play out all possible scenarios and the consequences that would have, how he would behave, how I would feel. I was trying to make a decisiona bout a small thing but my decision making procedure was being buffetted and overwhelmed by all the big problems that impacted on this little decision but that I was avoiding.
Objectively whether or not you go on a 4 day trip is not a big decision:

taking into account everything you know about how it will be based on past experience, will you be able to fully enjoy yourself, or will you be dissapointed/angry/upset/uncomfortable and end up with more resentments?

Nor in most relationships would it have major ramifications, the fact that it feels like a big decision, and you worry it will have big consequences, probably tells you lots of things about the bigger picture things that are going on.

which is a lot to deal with, so,

IF he brings it up, you could always say you haven't decided ('cos you haven't) until it becomes clearer for you?
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:05 AM
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Liz, thank you for your description of this favorite tactic/behavior by A's-- harboring resentment so they can justify drinking.

AH blames me for everything, but has been passive aggressive for 17 years. His list is so long, I really bought into it until I SAW other husbands being supportive to their wives and realized that sort of dynamic exists. Growing up in an alcoholic, abusive household, I had nothing to compare my life to that was healthy.

Since I stopped interacting with him, he's become outright hostile and aggressive with me. He seems baffled by his own hostility level and told me it's getting worse.

No ****.

I am SO glad his problems are no longer my problems, that I don't buy into his anger towards me AT ALL anymore. I spent so long feeling like crap, defending myself, trying to get him to see things my way, trying to get others to see things my way. Why?? Because I was afraid of him leaving? Are you kidding me? Because I needed to change him?? And couldn't accept that I can only change myself??

It's cunning, baffling and powerful that's for sure. I'm sure I've got years of therapy ahead of me, trying to sort out why I stayed in this miserable mess for so long..
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:35 AM
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Jen, his company usually needs to know by the end of July because of hotel and plane reservations. I'm pretty sure I'd have to decide soon. Of course, he may have already decided for us, lol, which I'm fine with.

Transform, yes the justified drinking was ridiculous. He did finally admit that I wasn't the one who bent his elbow. Unfortunately, I felt his admittance and apology was a bit late. The damage had already been done. I have been working on forgiveness mostly for my own benefit. Absolute. Insanity, that's what this is!
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Old 07-11-2012, 12:42 PM
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So, he gets lots of s*x, has a great looking wife, and a new house that we had moved into and acts like everything is better than normal in our lives. He went around retaliating by drinking more in hiding and then finally(after he gets popped for the DUI) admits to his anger and resentment.
That is exactly the life I walked away from. I was playing the role of a stepford wife in what I now classify as a horror film.

Everyone used to tell us how amazing we were as a family. Two beautiful kids, both successful careers, golden retriever, brand new house in a prestigious neighborhood. OH, it looked great from the outside... just don't open the front door.

And that's just what I did... but I didn't just open it... I kicked the MFer right in! And bared all for everyone. I was sick and tired of hiding, lying, and keeping up appearances!!

And for the record... 6-7 months later... house is sold - we're divorced... and I don't miss any of it one bit. I love my small little rental house, in my cozy, quaint family neighborhood. It's peaceful, affordable, and MINE.... all MINE.
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