lizatola

Hi guys! I am enjoying my vacation in FL. Turns out I'm going to be going from FL straight to Dallas at the end of the month so I will be absent from AH's presence for over a month now! WOW! Funny thing is, he's totally normal. There have been no conflicts, no weird conversations, he hasn't been drunk on the phone with me(not saying he hasn't been drinking, just that I haven't heard it), and we're actually getting along. Of course, we only talk for about 10 minutes a day and send a few texts here and there.

So, here's my question. AH qualifies for a business rewards trip with his company every year. It's scheduled at the end of October and this year it's going to be in Costa Rica. My dilemma is that I want to go because I've always wanted to zipline in Costa Rica, but I really don't want to go this year WITH HIM. I'm just not feeling ready to spend 4 days with him, traveling with him, sleeping with him knowing he'll probably expect s*x, etc and that I'll have to put on a show of the devoted wife in front of his boss and co-workers. Also, I love all the other wives, we've known each other for 10 years and we sit on the beach and chat about the kids and our lives, etc and I really enjoy their company. Yet, I can't seem to get past the fact that I have to go with 'him', LOL. So, what would you do? Just go and suck it up and enjoy what you can for you? Or, skip the trip this year knowing there will be other trips in the future(whether they be with him or someone else, etc)?

Oh, and I think he already got the reservation request forms from corporate and he hasn't sent me the email yet to schedule everything, which tells me that he knows I'm probably sitting on the fence about whether I'm going or not. Usually, he gets the reservation forms around the end of June or early July and he forwards the email to me so that I can book the flights and pick our restaurants for our meals. He hasn't brought it up, and I'm quite grateful for that!

Thelma

Book a room with two beds or two rooms connecting. At least with two rooms you wont have to sleep with him. Plan out your days maybe with the other ladies and only get together with him for meals, etc. Is any of this an option?

GettingBy

For me, it would go back to the bigger picture... what do I want out of this relationship? I played along in my marriage for years because I wasn't ready to let go of the "perks". I wanted all the benefits of my marriage (dual incomes, fancy house, caribbean vacations, etc)... yet at the same time, I didn't want to deal with all the garbage of alcoholism. Life doesn't work that way - your husband is a package deal.

Turns out what I really value in life has nothing to do with "stuff"... it's a peaceful, respectful home for me, my children, and dog. It's quality time spent together doing all sorts of fun stuff.

Sure, the trips to St. Lucia and Jamaica were nice... and I'd love to go again... but the next time I go... it will be on my own dime, with no strings attached.

lizatola

I can't book my own room as this is a planned event with his company, they only have a certain number of rooms set aside for us. They stay at Ritz Carlton's which are VERY pricey and I couldn't afford a room to myself. I would have to do dinners with the company president and his wife, I'd have to attend the final awards banquet on the last night, etc. Really, for the most part AH and I probably spend about 80% of our time together when on the trip and some trips in the past have been awful. Last year I was in tears having long drawn out conversations about our marriage and crap from the past and I really didn't have a great time. The setting was beautiful but it was hard to enjoy it while with him. He doesn't like to do much except play tennis so I would go for walks alone, I'd sit by the pool alone or with other groups of work people, etc.

I remember the trip 3 years ago when I swore I wouldn't go with him. He was being AWFUL and so depressed and angry in the months leading up to the trip. My mother comes to stay with my son and she flies in from the east coast. My AH made a huge deal about how my mom didn't want to drive us to the airport because she was uncomfortable in a new city and how she would like us to drive ourselves or find a ride. My AH ranted and raved about my mother and how much of a pain in the *ss she was being because she wouldn't suck it up and drive us since the airport isn't that big of a deal, etc, etc. My mom was taking time away from her own life to come out and help us and his ingratitude was just about the breaking point for me. Anyway, my mom told me that year that she was extremely uncomfortable around AH and that she felt he was seething with anger(this was before he started drinking again, too). Once we were on the trip, though, he mellowed out and we had a good time. I think we went to St Thomas that year. Anyway, I just never know how he's going to be. Some years he's sweet as pie, others he's mean and downright no fun at all. He is usually stressed out about spending time around company big whigs and making sure he doesn't say something out of turn, etc. I mean, as nice as these trips are, many of the wives say their husbands don't enjoy them because they know that the company brass is sitting by the pool right next to them, etc.

transformyself

For me, there is not getting back the hours, days, months and years I spent trying to figure out if I really wanted to be married to AH.

Of course, I had to do all that stuff in order to be absolutely sure I want a divorce. I was afraid I'd "miss out" so I stayed. Now I feel as if I missed out on years of taking better care of myself and my kids. Filling my life with healthy folks who respect me and teach me great things.

I just wish I had heeded red flags years ago, followed through on my gut instinct.

You'll sort it out. Go or not, but listen to your inner wisdom.

transformyself

Ah- here it is

So what's compelling you to go now?

When I make decisions that are not based on fear, amazing things happen.

lizatola

LOL! Yes, many years I swore I wouldn't go with him. My mom would be flying out and I'd say to myself, "Why doesn't he just go without me? I can stay home with my son and my mom and enjoy some quiet time. No listening to him rant about the government. No passive aggressive behavior on his part. Just peace." And, that's what's been missing from my life for so long. Peace, serenity, the ability to ignore someone else's bad behavior and give them the dignity to live the way they need to live and then give myself the dignity to choose whether I want to live around that anymore. Some trips have been better than others. Last year, while on the trip, I got the call that my dad was in the hospital and very close to death. I was finally coming to terms with his illness and with my AH's issues and I had a tough time while there because I wanted to 'talk it all out with him'. Well, I did a lot of talking but really didn't get him to 'see' things the way I felt would bring about some change. A week before the trip last year was when my AH went on a really bad binge, nearly fell into our pool, and drove around drunk at 1 in the morning to go buy more beer(of which he opened and drank while driving, of course, LOL). So, I was NOT in a good place last year either. I hadn't eaten anything in days, my anxiety was sky high. And, what did I do on the trip? I opened up to him, I poured out my heart, and he got to sit there and do nothing. Nothing changed, he kept drinking and hiding it, and all the while I sat there thinking we were getting closer. I'm so tired of the sham of it all, and that's one of the reasons I may not go. Any conversations we have will probably not yield any positive results anyway. Al Anon has taught me so much in the few months I've been going. My Higher Power knows what's best for me so I guess it's time I give it up to him. Thanks everyone for the feedback. I guess I just needed to vent.

dandylion

Dear Liz, I am just spitballing here, but does it just come down to the fact that you are afraid to tell him that you don't want to go?

A thing I notice from your posts is that seperation from his presence seems to do you good. Less conflict---thanks to 10min./day talking. You talk about fun you are having and seem generally happy on the trip. You haven't mentioned once about missing him, etc... Hmmm......

Dandylion

Kiana

I opted out of all trips together, whether they were across town or across the nation. No place was worth the stress to me, and trying to put up a front in front of friends or family was just too draining and made me feel like I wasn't being true to myself above all else.

Last time when nothing was mentioned about me going (as it would normally have been mentioned) it was because he planned on going alone to have more freedom to do what he wanted.

Learn2Live

From what you describe, nope, I wouldn't go. I do NOT hang out with drinkers, drunks, stoners, addicts, or otherwise dysfunctional people. Sick people make ME sick. No amount of fun, sun, or nice stuff is worth my peace and serenity.

outonalimb

My best friend had a pre-paid vacation to an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic a couple of years ago. She couldn't go at the last minute because her dad became ill and had to have heart surgery. So she gave the trip to me. Here was this beautiful trip -to a beautiful place - completely paid for - and I really struggled over whether or not I should go because things were just that bad between my exah and I.

I ended up going because I felt like I really needed a vacation. I also felt like my son deserved a nice vacation too. I took exah along because it seemed like the 'right thing' to do even though I didn't want to be anywhere near him at that point. I was just ssssoooo sick of the drinking, the fighting, the misery.

Even though the resort was beautiful (breathtaking, actually), it was the lonliest, sadest, most miserable vacation ever. I tried to make the most of this time with my son and it was nice to see him having fun in the pool with other kids during the day. It could have been such a lovely, romantic trip but it wasn't becasue by that time I was simply 'done' with my marriage and dealing with my exah. It was incredibly lonley and painful to be in such a beautiful, romantic place with someone I didn't love. It was hard to 'fake it' for the sake of our son. I came home feeling very stressed out and exhausted. If I could go back again, I wouldn't ahve gone at all or I would have just taken our son and left my exah at home.

I guess it just depends where you are in the marraige right now. I was done. I knew I was done. It made for a very miserable trip overall.

NYCDoglvr

I wouldn't go. You'll be expected to be with him all the time when you definitely don't want that. Because he can manage short phone conversations doesn't mean he'll be bearable. A beautiful place can be hell if you're there with the wrong person.

lizatola

I'm not afraid to tell him that I don't want to go. I just don't feel like defending myself and I know that he'll want reasons and just saying, "Because I don't want to" probably won't cut the mustard with him. I just know it may take more strength than I have right now. Of course, that may change after the next few weeks or so. I really do have so much peace right now, it's wonderful!

Adventure

Hold that thought in your head. That peace is so important. You have that peace because you are away from your AH. Try not to let the fact that you are getting along with him for 10 minutes a day on the phone draw you back in to hoping things can be that good all the time.

It has been said above, Costa Rica is going nowhere - you will have plenty of chances to spoil yourself in the future. Do you want to jeopardise your serenity for a 4 day trip with a man who makes you unhappy? Money can't buy the peace and serenity you will have at home while he is gone.

Adventure

feelingalone43

Liz,

So what if "I just don't want to go" won't cut the mustard with him? Has his recent behavior cut the mustard with you? You do not have to defend your decision to him or anyone else. Do what's right for you and your son.

My son tells me that people who are on the fence about a decision should flip a coin. If you feel a sinking feeling in your stomach at the results of the flip, you already had your mind made up. Heads you go, tails you don't. If heads turn up and you are bummed out about that, you really don't want to go, and shouldn't.

wicked

My ex husband was stationed in Vicenza Italy (about 40 min by train to Venice). I was drinking heavily and miserably at the time. There was a group trip for his Combat Support company. It was in Asiago Italy. The Alps!
Wow, what a beautiful, glorious picture perfect place. The views really did take my breath away.
But, we were miserable, both of us, either drunk or hungover.
I would never waste another minute of my life, no matter where it was, unless I could dump the drunk (and I am one).
Please save yourself some misery, and take a zipline in Costa Rica when you can do it your way, not the company's way, with a drunk on the side.

Beth

gerryP

just tell him you would rather eat broken pop bottles than be in Costa Rica with him.

transformyself

Or try this one,

Sorry, can't make it, I have a garage door opening to attend.

Or how about

I have to get my plants neutered.

lizatola

LOL! I've never heard that one before!!!

The more I think about it, he probably won't even have the b*lls to bring it up. He's been very good at avoiding all topics that might start a real conversation between us so he'll probably just avoid it until I get around to asking about it. And, then I'll be the bad guy because I stated that I don't want to go at this point. Too many unresolved issues, too much tension between us, too much 'stuff' that needs to be worked out(if it can at all at this point), and one 4 day trip isn't going to solve anything. If anything, it might make things more muddled for me. I mean, would he really not get it anyway? It will be interesting to see what happens. I'm tired of giving up my serenity just to help him save face on a work trip that he hates going on anyway. He'll probably ditch the trip if I don't go and make up some lame excuse to his company, too. Or, he'll go and lie about why I'm not there. Doesn't matter to me. If he does decide to not go and stays home, I may take a trip with my son and go visit my mom. AH won't go visit my mom because he's allergic to her horses and cats!

GettingBy

Well... sounds like you don't either, honestly. Why not just face the truth and tell him? Life is WAY to short to walk around on eggshells trying to avoid the elephant in the room.

I avoided so many uncomfortable conversations because I didn't want to be The Bad Guy. All it did was make me miserable and trapped. The sooner I started speaking up for myself... the sooner life started to be happy again.

I know for me... I tip-toed around the issue because I was still in denial. Still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't an alcoholic, and maybe just maybe... this whole situation would magically resolve itself. Facing the truth hurt like hell. It meant stirring up all sorts of emotions - fear, anger, sadness, guilt, shame - and DEALING with them. ACk. But going THROUGH them was the ONLY path that leads to happiness.... that's for certain.

(Sorry if this came off as punchy... I'm particulary sadden today when I see people stuck in the pain I was stuck in for so long. My only purpose was to help you see what took me FOREVER to see.)

Own your power Lizatola. Take control of your life.