GettingBy

ugh, where to start!??! My AH is living a dual life - the one in the outside world, where he plays a happy, successful business man, who is happily married to a wife he adores, and two beautiful children. He has a family that he loves spending time with and would do anything for their happiness... and he's got his drinking under control. And then there's the home life - where he is down right miserable, self-loathing man who can't stand his wife - the very thought of having a conversation with her make him want to vomit. Two kids that if he has to, he'll take care of them - but if somebody's around that he can dump them on... done. As for the things they need/want? Yeah, he'll get to them if and when he feels like it - his needs/wants always come first. And the drinking - he's a damn pringles commercial - once you pop, you can't stop!

The reason for this little vomit of mine... I"m so sick and tired of the BS crap he's telling everyone else. I'm getting crappy comments like, "OH how is marriage counseling going?" "I hear you two are working on the marriage, that's so great!" "You guys are golfing together - how wonderful!!"

I want to yell out ******** everytime that crap comes up. I have told him that I wish he would shut his trap - but yeah, I got no control over him, what he says/does... or even what he thinks. Maybe he says those things, because he really believes it? I don't have a clue.

Anywho...

He called me this morning. To see if I wanted to go out of town to a family camp on a lake 4 hrs from here. "It would be such a great vacation for us and the kids!" I said, "I don't want to go." The thought of being stuck at his family's camp - with the MIL, the SFIL, aunts, uncles... where he could put on the "show" of his "happy family"... **** NO. Besides the obvious fact that EVERY time we have been there - he dissappears off some place to get drunk while I am busy keeping the kids from drowning. SO, a vacation for him - not for me. He was pissed. Kept asking me for an explanation. Again, "I don't want to go." I don't need to defend myself anymore. I did tell him that he was more than welcome to pack up the kids and the 3 of them could go! (HA - now that would be a vacation for me!!!)


I am starting to "see" more clearly each and every day. He's building his case - "See all these things I tried to do to save our marraige! But, Shannon... oh evil Shannon, she just didn't want to work with me!" He doesn't get it - he offers up all sorts of stuff that he wants - not what would be good for both of us. Why the hell would I agree to go trap myself with his family for a long weekend?!?!

Ugh, but to think - there was a time when my guilt would have had me agreeing to go - just to keep the peace.

Thanks for letting me rant! I really can't wait for my home meeting tomorrow morning!
-Shannon

Programmatic

Why don't you set the record straight? Based on what you posted it sounds like you are contributing to keeping up appearances.
Apologies if that is not the case.

Jazzman

I thought you guys were splitting up? I miss a post?!?!?

GettingBy

Programmatic... thanks...

I have a feeling that's the issue... by keeping my mouth shut... I am playing a role in keeping up appearances. Ugh. I have to own my part... and I guess I knew that by posting here... I was inevitably going to "out" my part.

To my friends/family - I'm clear that I'm done. The message is consistent.

What happened.... he threw out the "marriage counseling" a month and a half ago. Asked me to not sell the house just yet. I agreed. I'm still living in the guest room and doing my own thing. I did go to his sister's house for her birthday this weekend. That was stupid. I shouldn't have gone. It contributed to the keeping up appearances. My "message" around him - and his family is... inconsistent with how I feel.



Here's where it's at for me. I'm having a relapse. I'm getting sucked into my denial. Still holding out some internal thought that maybe he will actually change - maybe he will go to marriage counseling and quit drinking.


I don't want a divorce. I really don't. So, like I have said before - I have slowed the whole separation process down. I haven't stopped the divorce (the initial papers were filed and we are in "negotiations" right now) but I have been dragging my feet to give him the time he asked for. And in the interim - I have been diving head first into my recovery.

So... that's it. Thanks for calling ME on my ********. I too am keeping up appearances

bruingirl

That's okay gettingby, remember that two steps forward and one step back is STILL one step forward! Take your time and don't be too hard on yourself. This is clearly a difficult time for you and you just need to let it all play out. Keep focusing on your recovery!

GettingBy

I'll be honest... and lay it all out there....


I KNOW that divorce is the right thing to do. I KNOW that him sobering up would not solve all our problems. I KNOW that I have a part in dysfunction-junction. I KNOW that I need to work on my recovery to my addiction to him..

But... what I feel....

I feel SAD that I have to end my marriage. I HATE the thought of being "divorced". I HATE the thought of having to share the kids with my AH. I HATE the fact that I have no control over him and that he's so lazy and won't put work into saving "us".


I have this god-awful internal war going on ... on a daily basis... and the only reprieve from it is when I bury my nose into my daily literature and my meetings. There are some moments where I feel so clear and strong... and then others that I am so GD confused and weak. I don't trust myself to make decisions - I worry that I'm reacting. I know I am getting better - there was a time when I would have never been able to face my "stuff" so honestly.

I'm grateful for this place.... but tomorrow, I'm going to get a new sponsor (I found an old Al-anon Vet with 20+ yrs of recovery)... I think I need someone to kick my ass around a little harder. I need to work the steps better...

vujade

GB - it is easy to slip into complacency. It takes courage to recognize a relapse and shift your mindset.

Divorce was very hard for me, too. I didn't want to admit publicly that I had failed. SO many people gasped and said "I thought you guys always had a fairy tale marriage!" Why? Because we kept up appearances. I kept our household functioning and our finances as together as I could. Our kids are gorgeous. We were little league and soccer parents. We went to parties and had people over. We kissed and laughed around our family and friends. For me, divorce was like standing naked in front of everyone. But I realize now it was because I thought that maybe reality would follow in the steps of appearance. If he was telling people that he was committed to his family, maybe he had every intention. And truthfully, maybe he DID have the intention...but he never had the actions that make intention matter. I was in denial.

Divorce was not what I wanted. I wanted our children to grow up with both parents in their house. I wanted a whole album of our traditional Christmas morning picture in front of the tree. I wanted to be cramped up in the same hotel room when we traveled for baseball tournaments. I wanted to sit next to each other when our sons get married. I wanted to play with our grandchildren together. I wanted to hold his hand when we were 80 and have people sigh and say "Aren't they cute?" (Sheesh...I'm making me cry. LOL)

It was so hard to let go of what I THOUGHT I had. But once I accepted the difference between illusion and reality, it made it easier. Not easy...but easier.

Be kind to yourself. You'll know when to take the next step.

Jazzman

When Mel moved out I still held out hope she would get sober. Even though I filed it didn't mean I could not stop the process within the next year. She didn't get sober and we were divorced, but even then it didn't mean all hope was lost. We actually dated for a short time two years after we split up because she was sober. You know how that ended, but the point I'm trying to make is life is not black or white, all or nothing.

That's probably the most important lesson I learned from my experience. I tend to think in absolutes, all or nothing, black or white, the Engineers mind set *wink* (duh). But there is only one finality and life is too short, gets shorter every day.

LaTeeDa

It's okay to not want a divorce. I didn't want one either. In fact, I can't think of a single person ever who WANTED a divorce. Sometimes the choices we have available to us all suck. That's when you have to pick the best of what is available. That's where the rigorous self-honesty comes in. I had to face the reality that the choice I WANTED didn't exist. Then I had to make a choice from those that actually did exist. It was the hardest thing I ever did--ever. I couldn't do it just because I knew it was right. I couldn't do it because it made logical sense. I had to be brought to my knees and get to the point where there was NO OTHER WAY.

I have an aunt who is in her seventies and has been told she needs knee replacement surgery. She doesn't want to do it. She is in pain whenever she walks. She's dealing with it by walking as little as possible and her health is suffering. She told me about a conversation she had with a friend who is of similar age who had the surgery done. Her friend told her "that's okay, it obviously doesn't hurt ENOUGH yet. When it does, you will have the surgery."

L

Tuffgirl

GB, I have sitting right in front of me a sticky that says "The first few times we make the choice to be peaceful rather than right, it feels like denial. But with practice it will become the preferred choice."

I don't think you are contributing to his quacking and keeping up the appearances at all. I think you are wisely choosing your battles. It is your choice whether or not to care about what he tells other people. You know what is your truth already.

Right below this sticky is another quote, "what other people think of me is none of my business."

Love that one!

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I am where you are and it sucks at times. We will both get through this and time will heal us. I am still living with him because the house has not sold. He is trying so hard to manipulate the situation but THIS TIME I know the deal. Unfortunately, he is not going to stop drinking and I know that. Sure he can stop for a few months but I am sure in time it will get shorter and shorter as the disease takes over. He still thinks he can control it. I have made it clear that I have not changed my mind even though we are getting along a little better this week.

This whole process is an up and down, rollercoaster of emotions type of thing. What a ride but I will still take this ride over the never ending one of living forever with an A. I know it is going to be even harder when we finally do split and have our own places. What gets me through is telling myself that I need to keep it in the day and listen to guidance as it coems along. So far my guidance is telling me to not backslide and continue with the split and eventual divorce. I jsut feel that the house has got to sell at some point and eventually this will be all over. Hopefully in less than 6 months or even a year. It is still better than living another 20+ years with the ups and downs of a active A slowly killing themselves. So 1 year or so of chaos oppose to 20+ years in CRAZYLAND.

I feel for ya and here is a big :ghug3:ghug3

GettingBy

Thanks everybody!

Jazz - That might be it - maybe I'm seeing this as an absolute... black & white... and that's what is keeping me stuck.

LTD - I like your analogy. For me, I feel like the pain has gotten so bad, I've made the doctor's appointment - identified that I need surgery... schedule the surgery but keep delaying it - thinking that maybe just maybe the knee will somehow magically heal itself. I *know* it won't but my FEAR keeps me wishing that it would.

This is all my fear. Not the fear of the life on the other side - again, I *know* that divorce will bring me peace - and separation from the insanity of living day to day with alcoholism... but my fear of the pain of walking _through_ the divorce process. If only there was a short-cut - some way to circumvent the hard work!

And if that ain't stinkin' thinking, I don't know what is!!!


Fire away folks!!

GettingBy

AWWW... JRG... I love you!! You get it. So perfectly and so clearly. I *know* that I have to get the house on the market... that's the next right thing for me. I put it off for him - and it didn't work for me.

Tuffgirl... you're the best

dollydo

I was wondering the same thing, were you backsliding? Appears that you are. If you want to spend the rest of your life sleeping in another bedroom, that is your choice.
Alot of old people here in Florida live like that, they are companions, it works for them.

Me, I really don't understand all the hoopla about divorce, if the children are in a toxic home, and the parents are playing "Lets Pretend", then what is the point of staying married? Must just be me, as I read this quandry here very often, a combination of guilt and fantasy, the old what if and maybe something will change deal.

I too, hope that this all works out for you, sounds like Alanon is helping you.

Take care,

LaTeeDa

That's exactly it. My aunt knows a new knee will be a good thing. She knows it will improve her quality of life. She also knows she will have at least three months of surgery/PT/rehab before she gets there. When her pain becomes greater than her fear she will do it. So will you.

L

skippernlilg

Awwww, Getting By! Big (((HUGS))):ghug3

You know? You really do have to buckle down and focus on your next right thing. All these other pesky things are distracting you from the prize--your peace and tranquility.

I remember people asking me questions about my and exABF's relationship after he'd moved out, moved in, moved out (the revolving door story for awhile), and I know I'm not the Good Guy with some of these people, but I personally thought none of it was any of their business. I would smile and say, "Why do you ask?" And they'd always know to back off and leave it alone.

I know that exABF told all sorts of stories to family and friends. His instability and varied stories were obvious to me, but when people would approach me with something like, "I heard you were playing golf together." Or something that was way off base , like in your case, I would have smiled and said, "We what?"

stella27

that sounds like a really hard way to live, and honestly, why shouldn't he expect you or ask you to go with him on the trips and the outings? I don't understand why you are so irritated with him.

Freedom1990

This was my line of thinking too.

It's exhausting enough as it is dealing with an impending separation or divorce, let alone trying to "straighten" people out who've gotten the story from the mouth of the duck!

LexieCat

GB,

You are getting GREAT feedback, here. I agree that it isn't your job to set other people straight about the state of your marriage. I am proud of you for saying "no" to the family vaca.

In 99 percent of the situations I have dreaded, and postponed because I dreaded them, the reality was far less painful than the agony I had built up in my own mind, and prolonged by procrastinating. And, actually, the process of the divorce should, in your case, be less agonizing than in many relationships. It sounds as if you can both behave in a relatively civil manner--it doesn't sound like anyone is declaring "war" on the other. Those are where the process gets VERY ugly.

I'd be willing to bet, that once the process does get going, you will find it is just take care of step a, then step b, then step c. Heck, you're an engineer, you can do flow charts.

I'm sorry you're still letting those old stereotypes about divorce being some kind of massive FAIL hold space in your head.

When I was in college, there was a very popular pop philosopher named Hugh Prather, who wrote a few books that had a lot of mostly sappy (IMO) little sayings. But I remember one that I copied down, and I still live by it today. "If the situation is killing you... GET THE HELL OUT."

Latte

It's your story too. It's your life too. You don't have to hide a thing.

I hid stuff about my Dad for years, and I still don't talk to some people about it, but I found someone recently who knew my Father before the drinking got bad. It was nice to talk to him about how it all turned out. By talking about it it helped me to shed the rest of the resentment I felt about it.