Dating a Recovering Alcoholic: Seeking Advice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I may be just a little bit biased here, but I tend to think that if someone still feels it necessary to burden others with their past drinking history even after two years of not drinking, they probably have not moved on and left that life behind them.
Some recovering alcoholics are definitely screwed up but others are reasonably health. One thing to keep in mind is that relationships are particularly stressful because intimate feelings are involved and one may get rejected.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I don't think him being an RA is a red ticket saying that this particular relationship is going to be toxic, but I believe it would be wise to research alcoholism and codependency before becoming too committed. There are plenty of wonderful recovering alcoholics, and former alcoholics that can be great companions. I think the reason why I went so deep into the alcoholism forest with my AH, who is now recovering, is not only because I went into the relationship blindfolded by hope and love, but also because I went into it very naive. My lack of education on alcoholism and its effects prevented me from recognizing the red flags along the way as it took its toll claiming my AH, and then codependency began to emerge.
Al-Anon will also be useful to you, in addition to the research, to help you stay emotionally healthy regardless or not you decide to engage in this relationship. The studies that are taught in Al-Anon can be applied to many aspects of life. Its teachings will help you keep healthy boundaries for yourself, and to keep you independently strong and happy.
Al-Anon will also be useful to you, in addition to the research, to help you stay emotionally healthy regardless or not you decide to engage in this relationship. The studies that are taught in Al-Anon can be applied to many aspects of life. Its teachings will help you keep healthy boundaries for yourself, and to keep you independently strong and happy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
If someone is entertaining a potentially intimate relationship it's a way of clearing the air, behing honest, and being upfront with who you are. I think it shows trust.
1. It's still too early for the info-dump. A few weeks!
2. There's a *huge* difference between just "being honest" and "forcing your drama onto someone."
Exhibit A, Being Honest: "You might notice I don't drink. I used to have problems with alcoholism. It was kind of rough there for a while. I still go to AA, actually. But I've got a good support system in place, so [insert seamless segue into topic of mutual interest, future goals, etc.]
Exhibit B, Forcing of the Drama: "Yeah, enough about you, I'M AN ALCOHOLIC! You're not one of those judgemental people are you? IT'S SO VERY DRAMATIC BEING AN ALCOHOLIC YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY MEETINGS HELP ME HELP ME."
This guy is doing more of the latter.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by akrasia
Exhibit A, Being Honest: "You might notice I don't drink. I used to have problems with alcoholism. It was kind of rough there for a while. I still go to AA, actually. But I've got a good support system in place, so [insert seamless segue into topic of mutual interest, future goals, etc.]
Exhibit B, Forcing of the Drama: "Yeah, enough about you, I'M AN ALCOHOLIC! You're not one of those judgemental people are you? IT'S SO VERY DRAMATIC BEING AN ALCOHOLIC YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY MEETINGS HELP ME HELP ME."
Exhibit B, Forcing of the Drama: "Yeah, enough about you, I'M AN ALCOHOLIC! You're not one of those judgemental people are you? IT'S SO VERY DRAMATIC BEING AN ALCOHOLIC YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY MEETINGS HELP ME HELP ME."
That's basically what I was getting at.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by cjacobs
.
I would want to support him in any way I possibly could. If attending meetings with him would help him, I'd do it, platonic or not. I know that his disease, his addiction, whatever you want to call it, it's something he'll have to deal with forever. I also know that even after two years, he's not out of the dark, and he may never be.
I feel like I have to try, you know? I feel like it's cruel to judge him based solely on his past and things he's done since then. I really do believe that he's making real progress. I can't walk away from someone who's working so hard to be normal and still be able to sleep at night.
I would want to support him in any way I possibly could. If attending meetings with him would help him, I'd do it, platonic or not. I know that his disease, his addiction, whatever you want to call it, it's something he'll have to deal with forever. I also know that even after two years, he's not out of the dark, and he may never be.
I feel like I have to try, you know? I feel like it's cruel to judge him based solely on his past and things he's done since then. I really do believe that he's making real progress. I can't walk away from someone who's working so hard to be normal and still be able to sleep at night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by asmart
All you talk is about him, are you in the picture? already a codependent?
Originally Posted by akrasia
Exhibit A, Being Honest: "You might notice I don't drink. I used to have problems with alcoholism. It was kind of rough there for a while. I still go to AA, actually. But I've got a good support system in place, so [insert seamless segue into topic of mutual interest, future goals, etc.]
Exhibit B, Forcing of the Drama: "Yeah, enough about you, I'M AN ALCOHOLIC! You're not one of those judgemental people are you? IT'S SO VERY DRAMATIC BEING AN ALCOHOLIC YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY MEETINGS HELP ME HELP ME."
Exhibit A, Being Honest: "You might notice I don't drink. I used to have problems with alcoholism. It was kind of rough there for a while. I still go to AA, actually. But I've got a good support system in place, so [insert seamless segue into topic of mutual interest, future goals, etc.]
Exhibit B, Forcing of the Drama: "Yeah, enough about you, I'M AN ALCOHOLIC! You're not one of those judgemental people are you? IT'S SO VERY DRAMATIC BEING AN ALCOHOLIC YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY MEETINGS HELP ME HELP ME."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by akrasia
But he asked you to go to his meetings. That's weird.
I think it's a great way for a non-alcoholic to learn more about what recovery is for a recovering alcoholic.
I know many Alanons who attend open meetings of AA.
The OP's friend seems to be a genuine sincere young man in recovery.
Just my two cents. Take it or leave it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Asking someone to 1. be his girlfriend and 2. come to AA meetings in that role, after only a few weeks of acquaintance, is weird.
Forgive me for being blunt, but it's what I'd say to a sister or friend who told me the same story. Maybe he's not a predatory manipulator, maybe he's just a little clueless. Either way, no.
What do your girlfriends say about him, cjaobs? Has he had a chance to meet any of your family? Does he get along with your other friends/have you met any of his friends? Is there someone close you could talk to about all this?
Forgive me for being blunt, but it's what I'd say to a sister or friend who told me the same story. Maybe he's not a predatory manipulator, maybe he's just a little clueless. Either way, no.
What do your girlfriends say about him, cjaobs? Has he had a chance to meet any of your family? Does he get along with your other friends/have you met any of his friends? Is there someone close you could talk to about all this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
I mean, if you had some kind of chronic condition (diabetes, a mental health thing, whatever), and then you were crushing on a guy and wanted to ask him out, can you imagine saying, "Now you have to know all about my diabetes, and you need to come to my next doctor's appointment, you have to know all about my course of treatment so that you can be closely involved in it."
What? No. You might mention it in passing, but you would handle your own stuff.
Can't he just take you to a movie instead?
What? No. You might mention it in passing, but you would handle your own stuff.
Can't he just take you to a movie instead?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Me personally - I've been round the dance floor with alcoholism once and I'm all done. No more alcoholics for me, recovering or not. Easy for me to say since I'm not dancing anywhere right now
My advice to anyone considering a more involved relationship with someone in recovery is to actively work on yourself. No matter how together you are, no matter how smart and independent you are, we are ALL susceptible to falling down the rabbit hole of enabling and co-dependent behaviors when we love someone. The alcoholic partner can certainly create chaos and heartache but for me, it was my own co-dependency that created all the true pain and confusion. I would have never figured that 20 years ago. I felt very independent (and was in many many ways) and did not understand women like the one I became. I'm still independent in many ways but I stayed on that dance floor beyond all good reason. My codependency is what kept me dancing, not his alcoholism.
I hear whispers of myself in some of the words you've typed in this thread so I'm trying to be very sincere and honest.
People in a relationship with others with alcoholism (or even other serious issues) need to be super self aware, self loving, rock solid in making sure they are looking out for their own best interests - before the interests of others. They need skills and tools to make decisions in their best interests, even when it is difficult to do. This is wasted time btw - it is good for anyone in any relationship. Things I would suggest you could do in regards to that.
* Attend al-anon meetings - perhaps when he goes to AA. Definitely find your own meeting that he does not attend - and I think he should have one of his own that you do not attend - even if you do decide to attend some open meetings together.
* Read 'Co-Dependent No More' by Melody Beattie
* Work on your boundaries. Know what boundaries are, what yours are, how you will protect them, etc. etc. Boundaries are ways in which we protect ourselves (emotionally, spiritually, financially, all of it). Despite how independent I was (and actually quite rigid in not allowing intimacy etc.) I discovered that I basically had no boundaries at all. You can learn about them searching this site, al-anon, reading the above book and if you struggle don't hesitate to do some short term work with a therapist to really hammer them out.
* Don't leave us. There is tons of good stickies and info to read through here
FWIW - I've been told that focusing on ourselves like this is really the best way we can support our loved ones in recovery.
i also completely agree with those that said actions are everything. Words not so much. If they do not match, believe the actions not the words!
My advice to anyone considering a more involved relationship with someone in recovery is to actively work on yourself. No matter how together you are, no matter how smart and independent you are, we are ALL susceptible to falling down the rabbit hole of enabling and co-dependent behaviors when we love someone. The alcoholic partner can certainly create chaos and heartache but for me, it was my own co-dependency that created all the true pain and confusion. I would have never figured that 20 years ago. I felt very independent (and was in many many ways) and did not understand women like the one I became. I'm still independent in many ways but I stayed on that dance floor beyond all good reason. My codependency is what kept me dancing, not his alcoholism.
I hear whispers of myself in some of the words you've typed in this thread so I'm trying to be very sincere and honest.
People in a relationship with others with alcoholism (or even other serious issues) need to be super self aware, self loving, rock solid in making sure they are looking out for their own best interests - before the interests of others. They need skills and tools to make decisions in their best interests, even when it is difficult to do. This is wasted time btw - it is good for anyone in any relationship. Things I would suggest you could do in regards to that.
* Attend al-anon meetings - perhaps when he goes to AA. Definitely find your own meeting that he does not attend - and I think he should have one of his own that you do not attend - even if you do decide to attend some open meetings together.
* Read 'Co-Dependent No More' by Melody Beattie
* Work on your boundaries. Know what boundaries are, what yours are, how you will protect them, etc. etc. Boundaries are ways in which we protect ourselves (emotionally, spiritually, financially, all of it). Despite how independent I was (and actually quite rigid in not allowing intimacy etc.) I discovered that I basically had no boundaries at all. You can learn about them searching this site, al-anon, reading the above book and if you struggle don't hesitate to do some short term work with a therapist to really hammer them out.
* Don't leave us. There is tons of good stickies and info to read through here
FWIW - I've been told that focusing on ourselves like this is really the best way we can support our loved ones in recovery.
i also completely agree with those that said actions are everything. Words not so much. If they do not match, believe the actions not the words!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alcoholics come in all shapes and sizes. Some are kind, honest and generous while others are a-sholes, full of b.s. and grandiosity. It simply takes time to get to know someone. First of all I wouldn't worry about getting in the way of his recovery ... that's his responsibility. I think the most important thing in a new relationship is to really listen to what the other person says. No expectations, just listen. If red flags go up, pay attention.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I don't believe alcoholics are bad people. Some just get addicted, and beyond that one character defect, they are normal. It happened to me. I would never date someone in recovery, however. Forget it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
However, that said, with 20 years of sobriety I've decided not to date other recovering alcoholics. After two relationships with people with significant amount of time in recovery I've decided to not date an alcoholic again. Everyone has problems, it just seems that alcoholics have more than most. Relationships are hard enough with someone healthy, why pick someone damaged?
Boy, is this codependent! It's one thing if he asks if you want to check one out, but it is important for alcoholics to work on their own program.
If attending meetings with him would help him, I'd do it, platonic or not.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
cjacobs,
There is a lot of great advice here. There are other posts that you can read also. Listen to the people that are dating an RA and the ones that lived with them for many years. There is a huge difference between our experiences.
I am going to leave you with some thoughts from a book a read a while ago
and some advice. that's all I can do.
Please listen not just read.
Choosing a relationship partner is one of the biggest challenges any of us ever face. Some people make wise partner choices early in adulthood. They know what they want and trust their instincts enough to form partnerships with people they believe will provide stability friendship and love. They also know that the quality of their significant relationships is a precursor to a happy life.
My advice:
1. Love yourself first
2. Celebrate who you are and feel proud of what you are
3. You are as important as anyone else who will ever enter your life. If you forget that fact you will struggle living life in a way that is best for you.
4. Sacrificing who you are for the sake of another person isn’t a healthy choice.
5. Be careful who you let into your life and who you decide to trust.
6. Always move toward a healthy way of life for yourself. As a result, you will benefit as will all of those people in your life now and the ones yet to come.
7. Trust your instincts, you know what is best for you and only you can make your dreams come true
I wish you all the best in life.
There is a lot of great advice here. There are other posts that you can read also. Listen to the people that are dating an RA and the ones that lived with them for many years. There is a huge difference between our experiences.
I am going to leave you with some thoughts from a book a read a while ago
and some advice. that's all I can do.
Please listen not just read.
Choosing a relationship partner is one of the biggest challenges any of us ever face. Some people make wise partner choices early in adulthood. They know what they want and trust their instincts enough to form partnerships with people they believe will provide stability friendship and love. They also know that the quality of their significant relationships is a precursor to a happy life.
My advice:
1. Love yourself first
2. Celebrate who you are and feel proud of what you are
3. You are as important as anyone else who will ever enter your life. If you forget that fact you will struggle living life in a way that is best for you.
4. Sacrificing who you are for the sake of another person isn’t a healthy choice.
5. Be careful who you let into your life and who you decide to trust.
6. Always move toward a healthy way of life for yourself. As a result, you will benefit as will all of those people in your life now and the ones yet to come.
7. Trust your instincts, you know what is best for you and only you can make your dreams come true
I wish you all the best in life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by choublak
"If attending meetings with him would help him"
Isn't that what the meetings are for? To help him? The meetings themselves are supposed to help him; he shouldn't need extra help from his new girlfriend.
Isn't that what the meetings are for? To help him? The meetings themselves are supposed to help him; he shouldn't need extra help from his new girlfriend.
...what are his parents like?
What do your girlfriends say about him, cjaobs? Has he had a chance to meet any of your family? Does he get along with your other friends/have you met any of his friends? Is there someone close you could talk to about all this?
I'm not really sure who I can talk to about it, though. He didn't swear me to secrecy or anything, but I don't really want to tell his business to everyone, for fear of ruining his reputation or something worse.
There is a lot of great advice here. Thank you all so much for your help.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
