Dating a Recovering Alcoholic: Seeking Advice

Old 09-21-2011, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by megan09 View Post
This still doesn't answer my question as to why it is acceptable to give advice to go to open AA meetings, but is a red flag to actually go with someone you may want to start a relationship with? What is the difference? A meeting is a meeting.
An AA meeting is not a first date.
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Old 09-21-2011, 02:39 PM
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And I would prefer someone who is honest and upfront about their previous drinking history, not one who hides it...................
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Old 09-21-2011, 02:41 PM
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Megan - We all have lists of what we need and want in a partner, what our values are etc. My list used to have, quite literally, about two things on it. I can look back and see how dysfunctional that was. A big goal I have for myself is to have enough self awareness and self respect to have a list. A fleshed out list that represents me. It has been shockingly hard work and I'm not done. I also need the tools to both make decisions about who I get involved with and then also let people go if they don't fit my list. To look out for and respect myself enough to ensure that my most important needs, wants, and values are protected. I don't date and have no intentions of dating because I don't trust myself at all yet in that regard.

My list is not a reflection of other people. It is a reflection of *me*. I have never dated a short man because I am very tall and I would feel ugly, awkward, inferior, and self conscious. There are no doubt some super fabulous catches out there that are 5'2". It isn't a statement about the short man. It is a reflection of me, my feelings, my needs. That is one that was always on the list btw. I will not date a present or former addict because I would feel exhausted, afraid, and wary all the time. I would second guess everything. Why would I sign up for that? There are plenty of men out there. I can honor my list. I also need a man with a full time job, his own things, no debt, volunteers, and a whole bunch of other stuff that never appeared on my list before. All based on my values and past experiences that shape me into who I am today. Of course half the country has debt and that doesn't make them bad people or unworthy of a relationship. It just trashes my security so it isn't a good fit for me.

Terminally Unique - I would not expect someone should have to tell me all their past if we were casually dating. I certainly don't do that. If I was in a serious relationship and someone withheld or skirted around the issue of past addictions and I found out my trust would likely be obliterated and to be very honest - I'd see it as more con games and half truths, which I'm all to familiar with. Also, there is nothing on this planet that could guarantee me a person with a past addiction would never drink again. I might have faith, based on current behavior and some significant history, that they would not but I would never be 100% certain/guaranteed.

Perhaps the 'guarantee' issue is why addiction is on my list. I can't get there. It is a risk I am unwilling to take and perhaps that is because I do not trust that i am strong enough to walk away rather then start dancing like a mad woman again. Once again, it all about self - not the other person - at least for me.
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Old 09-21-2011, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by megan09 View Post
And I would prefer someone who is honest and upfront about their previous drinking history, not one who hides it...................
Unless someone intends to drink again under certain nebulous conditions, their previous drinking history is irrelevant to a future relationship. If they have actually left that behind them for good, then it will never cause any more problems, will it?
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Old 09-21-2011, 02:50 PM
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Thumper - thanks for that post. I am a 'double winner' as it is known, and I stayed in a relationship with my ex partner after I entered recovery and suffered the consequences, so I too, have a 'red flag' list! Each of us must take responsibility for the people we choose to enter into unions with, and boundaries and standards are essential to this. I completely understand some people's reluctance to ever get involved with an addict again, recovering or otherwise, but we are not here to project our negativity onto others surely? (This is not a remark aimed at you personally, just this thread in general). We do not know this man or indeed the poster, and although we can share experiences, we are surely not entitled to say things like 'run, run, run' etc. He could well be genuine, and as Freedom pointed out earlier, there are many, many good and decent people found in the rooms of AA. Let us not judge every alcoholic as being a serial relapser/emotional abuser - there are many who aren't. Thanks.
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Old 09-21-2011, 02:56 PM
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Terminally Unique - it may well be irrelevant to you, but it may not be irrelevant to the other person.
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Old 09-21-2011, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Terminally Unique View Post
Unless someone intends to drink again under certain nebulous conditions, their previous drinking history is irrelevant to a future relationship. If they have actually left that behind them for good, then it will never cause any more problems, will it?
That's your opinion to which you are entitled.

I am always honest about my past. My past is my greatest asset in sharing with the newcomer.

It's been interesting to read the OP's original post and see the wide variety of responses and reactions.
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Old 09-21-2011, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Terminally Unique - I would not expect someone should have to tell me all their past if we were casually dating. I certainly don't do that. If I was in a serious relationship and someone withheld or skirted around the issue of past addictions and I found out my trust would likely be obliterated and to be very honest - I'd see it as more con games and half truths, which I'm all to familiar with. Also, there is nothing on this planet that could guarantee me a person with a past addiction would never drink again. I might have faith, based on current behavior and some significant history, that they would not but I would never be 100% certain/guaranteed.
I appreciate your candor, but it only reinforces my belief to never disclose my previous struggle with alcohol unless absolutely necessary. As for a guarantee, though, for me to drink again would just be plain wrong, a crime against myself, my family, and society. I can guarantee that I will never drink again just as I can guarantee that I will never rape women. It will never happen.
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Old 09-21-2011, 03:06 PM
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I agree! I had to go back and re-read my first post to this thread to see if I agreed then too or if I posted something quite different, lol. I did. Whew.

I also want to be clear to all my cyber 'friends' on this board that I don't turn the corner when I see someone coming out of an AA room. I respect so many of you here and a few IRL people I know and am glad to have 'met' you and the IRL peeps too. I don't think addiction in and of itself makes anyone a bad person. I just no longer plan to take them home and marry them Yes of course I took them home because 'having a home' was never on my list - so they didn't - not even a hovel, lmao.
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Old 09-21-2011, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Terminally Unique View Post
I appreciate your candor, but it only reinforces my belief to never disclose my previous struggle with alcohol unless absolutely necessary. As for a guarantee, though, for me to drink again would just be plain wrong, a crime against myself, my family, and society. I can guarantee that I will never drink again just as I can guarantee that I will never rape women. It will never happen.
I think guaranteeing something to yourself is different then to another person. Maybe not. I'm quite sure we are neither going to change our minds on this topic though. A serial rapist wouldn't have a hope or a prayer of guaranteeing me he'd never rape a women again either.

The first part (about the disclosure) is a more interesting to me. I'm turning that one over in my mind. I'm going to be thinking about that one tonight.
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Old 09-21-2011, 03:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I think guaranteeing something to yourself is different then to another person. Maybe not.
My word of honor is all I have. If I can't trust myself, why should anyone else? More importantly, if someone can't trust my word of honor, why should I trust theirs?

Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
The first part (about the disclosure) is a more interesting to me. I'm turning that one over in my mind. I'm going to be thinking about that one tonight.
I would probably disclose it in a relationship if someone flat out asked me if I ever had a problem with alcohol, but unless someone had a very good reason for asking, I would have to question why a normal drinker or never-drinker would be so interested in something as banal as past drunken misbehavior.
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Old 09-21-2011, 03:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I am always honest about my past. My past is my greatest asset in sharing with the newcomer.
This would not apply to a normal drinker or teetotaler, however.
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Old 09-21-2011, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by megan09 View Post
And I would prefer someone who is honest and upfront about their previous drinking history, not one who hides it...................
He could be honest without asking you to go to his meetings with him...
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Old 09-21-2011, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Terminally Unique View Post
This would not apply to a normal drinker or teetotaler, however.
Of which I am neither.
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Old 09-21-2011, 04:12 PM
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I like so many of the others here highly suggest you move slow and with extreme caution. Alcoholics are very needy people with a lot of codependency issues just like your AA person. First he lays it all out on the table and now it's off to the meetings next lets jump in the bed, etc. Hope you can see so far it is all about him! What about you and your feelings? Every relationship has to be open and honest with extreme consideration for each other, something many alcoholics are incapable of.

If you want to do some research go to you-tube and look for videos of Bill W. / Dr. Bob or Louis Wilson or any other videos pertaining to AA - NA - Al-anon. you may find the helpful. If are not sure Bill W. and Dr. Bob are the founders of AA and the principle of one alcoholic helping another alcoholic to help maintain their own sobriety. Louis Wilson is Bill W's wife and the founder of Al-anon. This is one lady that endured tremendous pain and sacrifice because of her alcoholic husband. You may also want to watch the movie Bill W. it's about his life and the beginning of AA.

Look at was has already become an obsession of your life since you met this guy and he spilled his gut's. All of a sudden your consumed with alcoholic anonymous and what it is all about and your life is becoming a victim of an Alcoholic. As they say take it one day at a time and be prepared to leave at a moments intuition's urge.
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Old 09-21-2011, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by blwninthewind View Post

and yes my husband is in recovery and have to say it's still not "all better" just because he doesn't drink.
Well if the relationship had problems besides the drinking, just stopping the drinking obviously won't solve all the other problems.
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Old 09-21-2011, 04:14 PM
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Well this is the poster's decision to make and not ours. He asked that she accompany him to ONE meeting, not all of them. Open AA meetings are for those who wish to learn about addiction, and I think that is a healthy thing if considering romance with an ex drinker. If the poster is happy to go, then who are we to tell her it is wrong? From the point of view of an RA, I would rather someone who understood this illness than condemned me for it with no prior knowledge; research and understanding of any kind is therefore a good thing for a prospective partner. I just can't see what the big deal with this is..........
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Old 09-21-2011, 04:15 PM
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Since no one can see into the future, no one can guarantee that they'll never drink again. You can shout it from the rooftops and believe it 100%, but that's still no guarantee. I would want to know if someone I was dating had a problem with alcohol in the past. It's only fair that I be the one to choose whether or not to continue the relationship under those circumstances. To keep something so important from me is not only totally unfair, but it allows the other person to make my choices for me. If they cannot be completely honest, then they aren't relationship material, IMO.
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Old 09-21-2011, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Since no one can see into the future, no one can guarantee that they'll never drink again. You can shout it from the rooftops and believe it 100%, but that's still no guarantee.
You may not be able to, which is unfortunate for you and anyone who depends on you, but I can certainly guarantee that of myself. I may not know what I will be doing in the future, or even tomorrow, for that matter, but I certainly know what I won't be doing: drinking. It would take a Sophie's Choice scenario, perhaps someone putting a gun to my mother's head and saying "drink this whiskey or she gets a bullet" for that to happen.

There is a higher probability of being struck by lightning.
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Old 09-21-2011, 05:02 PM
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