I have betrayed my child's sense of security
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
That's pretty mature of your son to be able to see that the ABF's word is just that- a word. Not matched by actions. I put my AH before our kids (not consciously and intentionally but I did it nonetheless) for too long and no matter what he tells me now, I'm not allowing him to return bc my kids well being matters too much to me. Maybe your son leaving is your "bottom"? and I hope that you will believe that you deserve more than to live with the rollercoaster of your ABF. If he wants help he can get it and get sober without living with you. You can always find another BF. You can't replace your son. I'm glad that your son's Dad is a stable place for him to go bc if he had no choice but to stay with ABF in your home that wouldn't be good.
I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry for the hurt and confusion your son must be feeling. I felt betrayed by my parents promises over and over as a kid and that's left a lasting legacy of problems with me.
I'm sorry you're hurting and I'm sorry for the hurt and confusion your son must be feeling. I felt betrayed by my parents promises over and over as a kid and that's left a lasting legacy of problems with me.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I was thinking about this thread today and it brought back memories of when my youngest was 15, ran away with a 24-year-old, and the state ended up taking custody of her for almost two years.
She was in a juvenile lock down facility 180 miles from home, and then to a foster home 120 miles from home. I was devastated to not have her in my home for that period. It was extremely painful.
She was almost 17 when she was released back to my care.
That was time lost for both of us. They grow up so quickly!
We have a good relationship today, and I credit that to growth in both of us.
She was in a juvenile lock down facility 180 miles from home, and then to a foster home 120 miles from home. I was devastated to not have her in my home for that period. It was extremely painful.
She was almost 17 when she was released back to my care.
That was time lost for both of us. They grow up so quickly!
We have a good relationship today, and I credit that to growth in both of us.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by masuhanley 
He is going to start detox tomorrow with Librium, supposedly.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
This post makes me feel very sad.
As an ACA, I think it demonstrates how dysfunction can be passed down for generations. When I was 15-years-old, I didn’t want to live with a violent alcoholic. When I was 15-years-old, I didn’t want to choose between my father and a chaotic home environment. When I was 15-years-old, I didn’t want to think about giving harmful people multiple opportunities to abuse me.
When I was 15-years-old, I wanted to think about fun stuff: school, activities, boys, and friends. I wish I could have been planning what I wanted my life to be like; I wish I was surrounded by people who were able to SUPPORT ME. I wish I didn’t think it was my job to support my alcoholic father.
I’d too admire a 15-year-old who is capable of walking away from this situation. It’s something that I didn’t learn to do until I was well into my thirties. However, my heart is breaking for another child who is being forced to grow up too soon. Guess it’s good that he has a safe place to go; many children don’t have a safe place.
I think it’s interesting how similar addictions can be. There are loved ones of alcoholics wondering why the alcoholic is choosing alcohol over them. Then there are loved ones of “codies” wondering why the codie is choosing the alcoholic over them. It’s a bad game of musical chairs.
This post, this forum, and Al-Anon however give me hope. I’m hopeful that there are some parents who can see how they are contributing to the dysfunction and get help before more harm is done to their children. There are some parents who will succeed in breaking this awful cycle and this brings me joy!
I so understand how this happens because I’ve lived it! Over the years, I have had my share of dysfunctional relationships and still have many ACA traits. My kids are younger (8 & 11) and one of my biggest worries is that I’m not getting “healthy” quickly enough and I’m going to still pass down my family’s dysfunction to them.
Just gotta keep on doing the best that I can each day and take it one day at a time! That's all we can do.
Thank you for sharing your story and for letting me share.
Please keep coming back!
db
As an ACA, I think it demonstrates how dysfunction can be passed down for generations. When I was 15-years-old, I didn’t want to live with a violent alcoholic. When I was 15-years-old, I didn’t want to choose between my father and a chaotic home environment. When I was 15-years-old, I didn’t want to think about giving harmful people multiple opportunities to abuse me.
When I was 15-years-old, I wanted to think about fun stuff: school, activities, boys, and friends. I wish I could have been planning what I wanted my life to be like; I wish I was surrounded by people who were able to SUPPORT ME. I wish I didn’t think it was my job to support my alcoholic father.
I’d too admire a 15-year-old who is capable of walking away from this situation. It’s something that I didn’t learn to do until I was well into my thirties. However, my heart is breaking for another child who is being forced to grow up too soon. Guess it’s good that he has a safe place to go; many children don’t have a safe place.
I think it’s interesting how similar addictions can be. There are loved ones of alcoholics wondering why the alcoholic is choosing alcohol over them. Then there are loved ones of “codies” wondering why the codie is choosing the alcoholic over them. It’s a bad game of musical chairs.
This post, this forum, and Al-Anon however give me hope. I’m hopeful that there are some parents who can see how they are contributing to the dysfunction and get help before more harm is done to their children. There are some parents who will succeed in breaking this awful cycle and this brings me joy!
I so understand how this happens because I’ve lived it! Over the years, I have had my share of dysfunctional relationships and still have many ACA traits. My kids are younger (8 & 11) and one of my biggest worries is that I’m not getting “healthy” quickly enough and I’m going to still pass down my family’s dysfunction to them.
Just gotta keep on doing the best that I can each day and take it one day at a time! That's all we can do.
Thank you for sharing your story and for letting me share.
Please keep coming back!
db
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
OK - I was all ready to reply in anger but I've taken a deep breath and have regrouped. I have an absolutely sick feeling in my stomach for your child...but it is your choice to determine the kind of relationship you have with him (and I often say this about my XAH). I can only speak for myself and say that, as the mother of two young boys, it didn't take me long to decide to get my head out of my a$$ and put their health and well-being above that of any addict in my life.
I really appreciate Anvil's response and encourage you to ponder on it. What is going on inside your heart and head that, as a mother, have made you choose the needs of an alcoholic over your own child? When we devalue ourselves to the point where we put our needs below an A's, there is a problem. When we knowingly make decisions that tell our children "you have less value to me than the person who has abused you"...we need to dig WAY down to answer that.
I hope you find some answers for yourself and I hope that your son is going to a place of peace and comfort. He must be a well-balanced and healthy 15-year-old to make a difficult decision that is truly in his best interest. I'm sure you are proud of him.
I really appreciate Anvil's response and encourage you to ponder on it. What is going on inside your heart and head that, as a mother, have made you choose the needs of an alcoholic over your own child? When we devalue ourselves to the point where we put our needs below an A's, there is a problem. When we knowingly make decisions that tell our children "you have less value to me than the person who has abused you"...we need to dig WAY down to answer that.
I hope you find some answers for yourself and I hope that your son is going to a place of peace and comfort. He must be a well-balanced and healthy 15-year-old to make a difficult decision that is truly in his best interest. I'm sure you are proud of him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Okay, this post and the responses, actually got me very emotional.
Why? Because it really hit home that I have been raising my 19 month old son in a sick environment with the hope of 'change' that isn't coming. It made me realize I have to stick to my decision to leave this Alcoholic SOB and leave as fast as I can. Nothing changes with alcoholics, and if it does, it is a LONG, WINDY, PAINFUL ROAD. Not willing to go there with my son and teach him that it is okay for a man to verbally and mentally abuse a woman, to treat her like garbage, to teach him that drinking away his problems and stumbling around the house in a vulgar, repulsive manner is NORMAL.
I have to say that I am proud of your son and sad for him. Proud because he has obviously learned to set the boundaries that you haven't. I don't mean to sound mean, but this is your SON, your child. To ask him to accept abuse from an alcoholic man is sad and just wrong. Although you have asked him to give your bf another chance, you have to know in your heart it won't change.
I read a statement on a blog today that said, "If you are strong enough to take the abuse from an alcoholic on a daily basis THEN you are strong enough to leave"
Why? Because it really hit home that I have been raising my 19 month old son in a sick environment with the hope of 'change' that isn't coming. It made me realize I have to stick to my decision to leave this Alcoholic SOB and leave as fast as I can. Nothing changes with alcoholics, and if it does, it is a LONG, WINDY, PAINFUL ROAD. Not willing to go there with my son and teach him that it is okay for a man to verbally and mentally abuse a woman, to treat her like garbage, to teach him that drinking away his problems and stumbling around the house in a vulgar, repulsive manner is NORMAL.
I have to say that I am proud of your son and sad for him. Proud because he has obviously learned to set the boundaries that you haven't. I don't mean to sound mean, but this is your SON, your child. To ask him to accept abuse from an alcoholic man is sad and just wrong. Although you have asked him to give your bf another chance, you have to know in your heart it won't change.
I read a statement on a blog today that said, "If you are strong enough to take the abuse from an alcoholic on a daily basis THEN you are strong enough to leave"
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I read a statement on a blog today that said, "If you are strong enough to take the abuse from an alcoholic on a daily basis THEN you are strong enough to leave."
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How true, thanks for posting this.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++
How true, thanks for posting this.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
vujade made a very simple statement of common sense. I hope you do wake up tomorrow and read what you wrote...and get yourself into reality.
Maybe it is best to let your son's father raise him for the next few years, don't jerk this poor kid back and forth with kick the BF out/make declarations to your son/ retract/ bring the BF back in/talk about his librium recovery treatment/lather/rinse/repeat.
Another simple thought....would your son treat you this way? The old do unto others saying....I'm sure he must feel bad that you chose your ABF over him, especially after he confided in you how bad it was before.
Maybe it is best to let your son's father raise him for the next few years, don't jerk this poor kid back and forth with kick the BF out/make declarations to your son/ retract/ bring the BF back in/talk about his librium recovery treatment/lather/rinse/repeat.
Another simple thought....would your son treat you this way? The old do unto others saying....I'm sure he must feel bad that you chose your ABF over him, especially after he confided in you how bad it was before.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
asking your son to give your bf another chance to put up with his abusive behavior?, he can always come back if this man does ever get help and you are still with him I mean real help I mean 10 years down the road he has been sober, not oh tommorow or next week or even next month, to even ask such a thing of your son when he so clearly needs to get away from that awful situation is horrible, everyone has choices so im learning dont put your choices down someone elses throat, be happy he has a safe place to even go to dont mean to offend just saying whats on my mind
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 37
Again, I thank each and every one of you for your posts. As I read and re-read them over the course of a couple of days I finally realized that I HAD hit my rock-bottom. This was the lowest I had ever felt over any of my bad decisions regarding my ABF. It was the last straw. I am proud to say that I got off the roller-coaster for the last time three days ago.
My son and I went school-clothes shopping and had lunch today. We talked for a very long time. He came back over to my house and played with the dogs in the back yard while I sat on the patio and watched. I felt such a relief that he trusts me enough to believe that I have done the right thing this time.
I am so thankful that I made that post last week. You all truly helped me see the light.
Peace.
Maureen
My son and I went school-clothes shopping and had lunch today. We talked for a very long time. He came back over to my house and played with the dogs in the back yard while I sat on the patio and watched. I felt such a relief that he trusts me enough to believe that I have done the right thing this time.
I am so thankful that I made that post last week. You all truly helped me see the light.
Peace.
Maureen
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Alcoholism is a terrible disease, and takes a lot of hostages.
I am very happy to hear that you won't allow yourself or your son to remain in that list of hostages.
It's difficult, both dealing with an alcoholic and removing ourselves from that relationship.
You are a strong person, and I am happy for you.
It's difficult now, I know...
It does get better. <3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: ontario
Posts: 78
When I was a teenager my alcoholic father jokingly told me he was going to send me to live with the nuns. I said, o.k. He was so mad. lol It's pure hell for a kid in an alcoholic home. Unlike the spouse they're trapped. I'm really impressed with your son.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by masuhanley
Again, I thank each and every one of you for your posts. As I read and re-read them over the course of a couple of days I finally realized that I HAD hit my rock-bottom. This was the lowest I had ever felt over any of my bad decisions regarding my ABF. It was the last straw. I am proud to say that I got off the roller-coaster for the last time three days ago.
My son and I went school-clothes shopping and had lunch today. We talked for a very long time. He came back over to my house and played with the dogs in the back yard while I sat on the patio and watched. I felt such a relief that he trusts me enough to believe that I have done the right thing this time.
I am so thankful that I made that post last week. You all truly helped me see the light.
Peace.
Maureen
My son and I went school-clothes shopping and had lunch today. We talked for a very long time. He came back over to my house and played with the dogs in the back yard while I sat on the patio and watched. I felt such a relief that he trusts me enough to believe that I have done the right thing this time.
I am so thankful that I made that post last week. You all truly helped me see the light.
Peace.
Maureen
You go girl!!
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